Just One More Breath (8 page)

It had been two years since Zena started dating Mason and he still couldn’t seem to
give her the full commitment that she deserved. Everyone around her saw it, but it was up to Zena to realize that she was selling herself short. If the countless times he let her down weren’t enough to open her eyes, I really didn’t know what would do it. And as Zena said many times when I confronted her about Mason,
“The heart wants what the heart wants.”

In an attempt
to salvage the night, I gave Zena something that she knew would cheer her up - a little bit of gossip.

"So
, Shawn came over last night," I said nonchalantly.

Zena's head snapped up and her ears opened. "Really?" Zena said dramatically, then she placed her elbow onto the table, slid her chin into the palm of her hand
, and listened intently. "So what happened?"

I thought for a second
. I wasn't even sure what happened. I suddenly became unsure if what I was about to say was even worth repeating. But Zena needed a distraction, and I knew this would be a good one, so I walked over to my wine fridge and grabbed a bottle of peach Moscato. Grabbing two wine glasses, I walked back over to the kitchen island. After both glasses were filled, I sat down and started giving Zena details.

"He came over for us to discuss th
e details of my divorce." I tried to sound casual as I spoke about that part, shrugging one shoulder.

Zena's eyebrow rose, but she didn
’t reply. She simply gave me a small nod as if asking me to go on. "So we talked about it, and then I got really upset."

Zena took a long gulp of her drink
. She had no idea where the conversation was headed and wanted to be completely mellow for whatever I was about to say next.

I
paused, giving Zena a chance to respond or ask a question. But Zena kept quiet so I kept talking. "I mean really upset, hysterical actually, and Shawn tried to calm me down."

Zen
a silently slid closer to me and finally unsealed her lips to ask one simple question. "So what happened after that?"

I
took a deep breath. "It might sound like nothing."

Zena cut me
off. “Oh, it’s something. Tell me.”

I
took another sip of my truth juice and took a deep breath. "So as I’m freaking out, he took my hand and placed it on his chest. Almost like he was trying to emotionally ground me. Does that even make sense?” I asked.

Zena nod
ded and made a “hurry up” kind of hand gesture.

“Then he starts telling me that he doesn’t want me to worry and that he's going to take care of me. I don't know exactly what he meant by that, but it sure
felt good to hear it." My eyes looked to Zena’s for answers, but Zena remained silent.

"So anyway, once I calmed down he released my hand. Instead of pulling away like a normal person my hand started sliding down his body."

Zena's head tilted to the side, with an eyebrow so high up it looked like it would touch her hairline.

I
fought the urge to laugh. "So as my hand moved down my pinky accidentally touched his nipple." I covered my eyes with my hands, afraid to see what crazy look Zena's face had morphed into.

Zena dragged her hands away. "Don't get shy on me now
. I am totally sucked into this conversation and I need more."

I drained the rest of my
wine. "That simple, harmless contact opened floodgates of sexual tension. Everything around us felt even more intense almost like it was electrically charged. And then, just when he was about to kiss me, my remote control hit the floor and effectively ended the moment."

Zena looked like she was about to fall over
. I wondered if I had looked as flushed then, as Zena looked now. It had been extremely hot nearly kissing Shawn, so had the retelling of the event.

"Wow
. That was HOT
,
" Zena said while fanning herself.

I shook my
head and agreed. "Yes, it was."

Zena refilled our
glasses. "So what now?"

Her question confused me
. "Nothing, I don't know what that was and I'm pretty sure I'm not ready to find out. So we continue being friends and hanging out."

"What if something like this happens again?"
Zena asked.

"Well, I kind of spent the night
at his place last night.” I tried to sound as casual as possible.

Zena spit wine all over the counter top. “Oh my God
. Did you sleep with him?”

I
shook my head quickly, while dodging the projectile wine. “No, of course not. We had a few drinks but I stopped it before things got hot and heavy. I’m not even sure what’s going on there, and Shawn is a player, so even if I was ready for something with him, I know it would never ever be serious. I’m sure he brings this kind of reaction out of tons of women. I’m no one special,” I said, trying to hide the bitterness in my voice.

"I doubt it,
because from what you just described, that encounter sounds pretty damn special. You don’t have that type of chemistry with just anyone, Nicole," Zena said with a hint on envy.

I
shrugged off the conversation. refused to think any further into what happened with Shawn.

Zena checked her cell phone one final time and I saw her body sag when she realized Mason still hadn’
t attempted to make contact. I watched, thoroughly pissed off as she finally came to terms with the fact that he wasn’t coming.

“How about we change into our pajamas, crack open another bottle of wine and watch some
Real Housewives
?” I suggested.

“I’d love to
,” she replied, with a smile that didn’t quite make it to her eyes.

~*~*~*~*~*~

We woke up Monday morning feeling energized and ready to go. The push to open The A.R.T Center daycare was moving full steam ahead. We had young mothers who were enrolled in college waiting outside the closed door. Someone told me that the line had actually wrapped around the block. I wanted to personally oversee the interview process because I intended to pick mothers who were very serious about getting a higher education. I didn’t want this opportunity to be seen as a free babysitter to some mothers, so there was an extensive amount of paperwork and a few written assignments that needed to be completed before an application could be considered.

The day crept on and I
met with more and more young mothers. To my delight, most of the girls were really motivated and we were finding it difficult to turn down any applicants. Midway through the process we decided to start a waiting list for the babies that we couldn’t immediately accept and I asked my assistant to reach our contact to find more volunteers. I believed all of these ladies deserved a chance. I was in the middle of a discussion with one of my staff members when a beautiful baby boy caught my eye. I actually had to do a double take because at first glance, he looked just like Jax did at nine months. I was shocked and caught completely off guard by the striking resemblance.

The baby was hooked onto his mother’s side contentl
y sucking his thumb while I continued to stare in amazement. When his mother turned around to speak with a counselor I saw his little hand gliding through her long lock of curly hair…the exact same way Jax had. My heart came to a screeching halt, and my chest felt like it had a gaping hole. The buttons of my shirt felt as if they were choking me. I let out an unidentifiable noise and scampered off to my office. When my office door slammed behind me, I popped my shirt open in a desperate attempt to catch my breath.

Eventually the strangul
ation became so intense that I screamed an ear-piercing scream and tears cascaded down my face. Someone must have alerted Zena to my odd behavior because she came barreling into my office.

“Nic, are you ok
ay?” she asked, concern imprinted in her face.

“No.”
My voice came out in a choked and strangled sob. “Did you see that little boy out there?” I asked Zena in a voice lower than a whisper. “He looks just like Jax.”

Zena frowned
, and her eyes filled up as well. Most days I forgot that losing Jax affected Zena as well. She was Jax’s honorary auntie and couldn’t have loved him any more if he was her blood relative.

“I know and I’m sorry
, baby.”

We
embraced and cried into each other’s shoulders. When we finally composed ourselves, we pulled apart. I still felt uneasy. “I can’t be here today…I need to go home.”

Zena shook her head and agreed.

“Okay, I understand. Text me when you get home and call me if you need me.”

After murmuring
my thanks, I hightailed out of the center and slipped into autopilot as I drove home. The farther away from the center I got, the easier it became for me to breathe. I remembered Shawn saying something about having a day off, so I drove in the direction of his house. I made a mental note to text him, but as I was in such a hurry, I made it all the way to his apartment without ever sending the message.

I
pulled down my visor and took a look at myself in the mirror. My eyes were almost swollen shut and my face was red and blotchy. I looked like shit, but I knew Shawn would accept me as I was, and hold me through this rough patch, and that was exactly what I needed. I fished my sunglasses out of my purse and used them to cover my eyes, then moved to unclick my seatbelt.

As I reached for my
door handle, I heard Shawn’s all-too familiar voice, and my head shot up as I prepared to call out to him. When my eyes found him all of the air left my chest. He was locked in an embrace with a tall woman with long legs, a nice round ass, and a full head of just-fucked hair. If I wondered who this woman could be, my question was answered when I saw Shawn’s hand slide down her hips and around to her ass. Soon after, his lips fell onto hers. I inwardly cursed myself. Why would I think it was okay to show up at his house uninvited? And why would I think I could depend on Shawn like this? Because I was desperate. That was why. Because I needed someone and he made me feel like I could depend on him. And it
had
felt good. But it was short-lived.
I’m a fool when it comes to men. Some things never change. I knew who Shawn was, and yet, I had hoped that he was actually attracted to me. Idiot
. A whole new set of tears started, as well as a painful ache in my chest. I snapped my seatbelt back into place and drove off, determined to never depend on anyone else again.

When I got home I started walking toward my
bedroom, but stopped short in Jax’s. I went in and locked the door. Then I climbed into his bed and hugged his pillow needing to feel close to him. Tears streamed out of my eyes and soaked his pillow until I fell into a miserable sleep. When my eyes reopened it was dark outside. I rolled over in Jax’s bed and raised my hand to the charm around my neck. I ran my finger over the print and turned my face into Jax’s pillow to get a whiff of his scent. My eyes shot open and I went into a panic when I realized that the pillow no longer smelled like my baby boy. I closed my eyes, willing myself to remember his scent but it didn’t work.

My
heart started pounding in my chest. It rattled against my sternum as if it were desperate to escape so it could go find the scent on its own. I walked over to Jax’s closet and started grabbing random items and smelling them. I hoped that something in there would give me what I desperately needed. I needed to feel close to Jax and finding something that smelled like him would give me the closeness my entire body was craving. After I turned his entire room upside down, I came to the nauseating realization that the presence of my baby boy had slowly but surely faded out of his room.

I
screamed.

And screamed.

And screamed.

Agony. Excruciation agony. The same pain
I felt the day he died.

I screamed louder than I
’d ever screamed before. Then I fell to my knees feeling completely defeated. With that last little piece of my son gone, I realized that I had nothing left to keep me going, and ultimately, nothing left to live for.

Shawn

Five days later, I settled the big case I had been working on, and I decided to take two weeks of vacation. I was excited about the time off and planned on dedicating a good portion of my free time to sorting out Nicole’s divorce. The only problem was, that when I had reached out to Nicole a few times over the last week, I’d never got a reply. She didn’t reply to text messages about our lunch dates and she didn’t reply to emails and voice messages about her pending divorce. I thought we had solid plans to meet up at Chance for dinner two days and although she never confirmed, I still showed. Nicole didn’t. I even reached out to Zena for information on Nicole, but only ever received notice that she was “occupied with something” before abruptly hanging up on me.

I
tried to play it cool, assuming that work was keeping her busy, but deep down inside, I was a little hurt and a whole lot worried. I often used Brooke as a consolation prize. Okay, consolation prize was a mean word to use because Brooke always made sure I enjoyed our time together. However, it didn’t prevent me from missing Nicole. I even considered staking out in front of Nicole’s job or house but I didn’t want to seem like a stalker.

By six thirty on day six
of no word from Nicole, I was seriously trying to figure out a discreet way of tracking her down. My plans were brought to a halt when I received a text message from Brooke:

Brooke:
Are you free tonight? I was hoping we could drink some alcohol and then I could drink some of you.

My cock jerked in my pants. I loved how blunt Brooke was. I quickly typed up a response.

Shawn
: Sure. Just name the time and the place.

Brooke:
Chance at eight tonight?

The thought of meeting Brooke at a bar that I frequented with Nicole made me feel a smidge guilty. But I had no real reason to protest, so I agreed, and started getting dressed. Before I walked out of the door to meet Brooke, I made one more attempt to call Nicole. My mouth fell open when a generic voice spoke slowly in my ear.

“The number you have dialed has been disconnected. Please check the number and try again.
”

I was completely floored.
She just changed her number without telling me
? Not only was she supposed to be a good friend of mine, but I was also her damn divorce attorney; I needed to be able to reach her. I decided that no matter how crazy I might come across, I was showing up at her place tomorrow for some answers. When I pulled up at Chance, my phone vibrated with another text from Brooke.

Brooke
: Running late, be there in ten minutes.

I didn’t bother replying, I knew this girl well enough to know that ten minutes actually meant thirty minutes. When I stepped into Chance my heart sputtered a few times. I shook my head; just being in a place associated with Nicole gave me that involuntary reaction. I tried to shake it off by ordering a shot of Patron, and brought my eyes up to the basketball game showing on the mounted flat-screen television. The New York Knicks playing against the Miami Heat pulled me in and I temporarily forgot about Nicole and the ridiculously late Brooke. Eventually I felt a tap on my shoulder, looked up, and noticed Brooke standing beside me.

I
gave her quick hug and kissed her on the cheek. She stepped back and gave me a very thorough once over with her eyes. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and let it out slowly. “Shawn Burns, the things you do to a suit should be illegal. But seriously, you are just as hot, if not hotter, in those jeans and that white bandana tied around your head.”

I
winked at her but chose not to acknowledge her sex-filled compliment, because if I did, I would’ve had her out of there and flat on her back in ten minutes. However, having started watching, I really wanted to have a few drinks and enjoy the rest of the game.

I
tried getting the bartender’s attention to order a drink for Brooke, but before I could get the words out, the waitress stood beside me and started talking to the bartender.

“Dude, there is a lady in the corner getting shit
-faced drunk. She wants another shot of Hennessey. But after this one I’m cutting her off.”

The bartender’s eyebrows rose, "Is she here alone?"

The waitress shrugged. "I don't know, but she won't slow down." The bartender reluctantly poured another shot. "Well, keep an eye on her. Let me know if we need to take her keys."

When the waitress walked away
, Brooke ordered her drink and I turned my attention back to the game. The Knicks were down by twelve last I looked, but they had now brought the game to within three points in the fourth quarter. Then Carmelo Anthony stole the ball, ran it back down the court, and knocked in another three pointer. Everyone is the bar erupted, high fiving each other and yelling, "Melo! Melo!"

Brooke looked terribly
bored and uncomfortable so I leaned in and promised her that we would leave right after SportsCenter. I was a sucker for highlights. When the noise faded I saw the waitress back up at the bar dangling a set of car keys at the bartender. There was a woman standing behind the waitress.

From the stagger in her walk
, I could tell she was really drunk, so I assumed she was the owner of said car keys. Although the voice was slurred, slow and pleading, I instantly recognized it when she spoke.

“Ma’am, please
. Can I have my keys back? I’m having a really shitty day and I just want to leave.”

It was Nicole
. I turned around to get a better look at her and my heart dropped. She looked horrible. She was a whole lot thinner than when I saw her just over a week ago. Her hair was a curly matted mess, and her eyes were sunken in with a thick, dark circles all the way around them.

The waitress walked away from her. "Ma’am, I’m sorry. I can't do that; you're too drunk to drive.”

Instead of responding, Nicole burst into tears, begged for her keys, and said she had one last thing she needed to do.

At that point I
got up and decided to intervene. "Hey, Nicole." I walked over to her and placed my hand on her shoulder.

At first she was confuse
d, but when she recognized me she looked embarrassed. "Hi, Shawn."

"I got her. I only had one drink
, so I will make sure she gets home safely," I told the waitress, stretching my hand out for Nicole’s car keys.

I
looked back at Brooke whose face looked unpleased. When she saw me approaching her with Nicole’s car keys in my hand, she shot me her death glare, then rolled her eyes and pouted her lips.

“I’m assuming that you’re coming over here to let me know that you’re taking the pathetic drunk girl home. And since you’re taking her home, that means I’m going home alone
. Right?” Her voice came out like a whip

Wow,
talk about selfish
. I couldn’t believe that Brooke would get so upset at me for helping out a friend.

“Actually, I was coming over here to tell you that I was taking my good friend
, Nicole, home. And that I would take a cab back to your house once I knew she was safe. But since you’re behaving like a selfish child instead, I think I’ll just say, Good night, Brooke. Get home safely.” I walked away before she could reply, completely turned off. 

Nicole
stared at Brooke for a minute as if she recognized her, then she briefly glanced at me but didn’t fully make eye contact. "Thanks for the save, Shawn." She staggered a bit and then stretched her hand out for her keys.

I
was appalled.
Was she serious?
"There is no way in hell I’m letting you drive this drunk, Nicole. You can’t even walk straight," I half-yelled.

"Shawn
, I’m having a bad day and I just want to be left to alone." She sighed and I saw tears gathering in her eyes again.

I felt bad for her, I really did. But I
also felt pissed at her for disappearing on me the way she had. As much as I wanted to let her have it, I knew this wasn’t the time nor place. "I will leave you alone once I drop you home safely. I promise. Where is your car?"

She turned swiftly to point in the direction of her car. The momentum of her spin cause
d her to lose her footing. I grabbed her around the waist and led her up the block. We stopped in front of Nicole’s red Nissan Maxima, unlocked the doors, and assisted her as she tried to coordinate lifting her leg and lowering herself into the vehicle. When she was buckled in safely, I closed her door and made my way to the driver’s side.

I pulled out and made my
way to Nicole’s house as she sat quietly in the passenger seat looking out of the window. The only sound she made was a sniffle every few minutes. The minute I put the car in park, Nicole reached over again for her keys. I knew she was drunk and not in the best state for the conversation we needed to have, but something told me that I shouldn’t just send her on her way. I also couldn’t trust her not to drive the car again tonight, so instead I got out of the car and walked up to her doorstep. I decided to hide her keys somewhere in the house. Then, I would contact her tomorrow when she sobered up and tell her where they were.

Nicole shot me
a questioning look when she saw me standing at her front door. "Where are you going?"

I
was able to conjure up something believable in that instant. "I, uh. Need to use the bathroom."
Good one Burns. Way to think on your feet.
 

She didn’
t question it; she just gave me a simple, "Oh," and reached into her pocketbook to fish out her house keys. Once inside, Nicole walked straight into the living room and plopped herself down on the couch. She pointed and mumbled into a pillow, “You know where the bathroom is.”

I
walked briskly up the steps and started searching for a good place to stash the keys. Quietly, I started pushing random doors open as I looked for the least obvious hiding spot. The first two doors were closets, which wouldn’t work because there wasn’t much space and I figured they would be the first places Nicole would check. I continued looking and then fourth door I opened stopped me in my tracks.

The room was completely trashed. Clothes were thrown wildly everywhere; there was an overturned chest of drawers
, and children's toys thrown all around.
Holy shit, what the fuck happened in here?
For weeks, I fooled myself into believing that Nicole was being strong and dealing well, but the state of this room showed me that she was clearly still going through it. Guilt panged at my chest; I had failed my friend. I hid the keys amongst the mess and made my way out. A gust of wind blew and shook a piece of paper that was folded in half and taped to the inside of the door. My curiosity got the best of me and I grabbed it off the door and opened it. Inside Nicole’s handwriting scribbled a few simple words.

I’m sorry
. I just can't do this anymore.... It's simply too hard. I need to be with Jax.

Right then and there everything fell into place. Her disappearance, her
defeated appearance, the drinking, and the things she said to the waitress, and her desperate need to drive. This was Nicole’s suicide note.

Fuck
, Fuck. FUCK!

I felt pressure rise from my
chest straight up to my ears. I gripped the side of the door to steady myself. Nicole planned to kill herself? I had to suppress my pressing urge to vomit. I stumbled into her bathroom and splashed some water over my face, hoping that the shock of cold water would give him some clarity. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew that I had to do something. Before she’d disappeared, Nicole and I had begun rebuilding our friendship, and although she’d never admitted it, I knew that she had begun to rely on me.
How the fuck did that change?

I would never forgive my
self if something happened to Nicole, especially armed with the knowledge of her intentions of self-harm. I decided to speak to Zena and Nicole’s family to see if they could somehow come up with a game plan. When my heart rate and blood pressure returned to normal I went downstairs to Nicole. She was lying on the couch on her stomach, staring off into space. I approached her with caution, then kneeled so that we were at eye level. "Hey, how are you feeling? Do you want some water?" I asked, as I brushed stray wisps of hair out of her face.

She gave me a slight nod and I went to the kitchen. When I opened her fridge I
was horrified. It was completely empty. There was nothing but a carton of baking soda sitting all the way in the back.
How the hell was this woman surviving in a house with no food?
Well, she had lost a bit of weight since I’d last seen her, so clearly she just wasn’t eating.
Fuck.
I opened her freezer to get some ice and that was practically empty too, other than a random package of bacon in the door. I caught some tap water in a glass and took it over to Nicole. She sat up in her chair when she saw me coming and slowly reached for the glass. Seeing her look so defeated and completely broken made huge, irreparable cracks in my heart. I felt desolate.