Junie B. Jones and the Mushy Gushy Valentime (4 page)

I saw Paulie Allen Puffer, that’s who! And he is always teasing me! And so
maybe
he
is my secret admirer!

I zoomed to his table speedy fast.

“Wink, wink, Paulie Allen Puffer,” I said. “Wink, wink, wink.”

“What’s wrong with your eye?” he said.

I puckered up my lips. And I blowed that guy a kiss.

“Thank you for the beautiful valentime, Paul,” I said.

Paulie Allen Puffer looked strange at me.

“Paul? Who’s Paul? What beautiful valentine? My valentine was the one with the oozy slime monster on the front,” he said. “Don’t you remember it?”

Just then, I made a face. ’Cause I remembered it, of course.

I hurried up back to my seat again.

That’s when I saw a boy named Ham. And Ham hardly even
knows
me. And so
he was worth a try, I think.

I quick went to his table.

“Okay, Ham. I’m running out of patience here. So listen very careful.”

I faced my eyeball at him.

“Wink, wink, okay? Now are you my secret admirer or not? And please tell me the truth. Or you will be sorry.”

Ham sticked out his tongue at me.

Also he put his thumbs in his ears. And he flapped his hands up and down.

“All rightie,” I said. “I’m going to take that as a no.”

After that, I went back to my table. And I sat down real fusstrated.

I put my head in my hands very glum.

’Cause guess what?

Finding a secret admirer is not as easy as it sounds.

Pretty soon, the bell rang for recess.

I hurried over to my friend Grace. ’Cause maybe
she
would help me find my secret admirer.

Both of us skipped outside to the playground.

Then all of a sudden, I stopped real fast! ’Cause I accidentally left my beautiful valentime on the table! And I didn’t want anyone to take that lovely thing!

“Wait, Grace! Wait right here! I will be back in a jiffy!” I said.

After that, I ran my fastest back to Room Nine.

And guess what?

I spied that Meanie Jim at my table!

And he was picking up my beautiful card!

“HEY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, MISTER?” I yelled real loud.

Then I zoomed to my table zippedy quick. And I yanked that card right out of his mitts!

After that, I started running to the door. But Meanie Jim springed in front of me. And he held up his hand.

“Stop!” he yelled. “Don’t take that valentine outside! If you take it outside, you’ll get it dirty.”

I made squinty eyes at that boy.

“No, I will not get it dirty,” I said back.
“And anyway, this is not your beeswax, Jim.”

Jim stamped his foot.

“Yes, it too my beeswax, Looney B. Jones!” he yelled. “That card costed me a whole month’s allowance! And I don’t want you to get dirt on it!”

As soon as he said it, he quick put his hands over his mouth.

But I already heard his words.

I did a gasp.

“
You,
Jim? You are the one who bought this card?” I asked. “Why? How come? Is this some kind of meanie boy joke?”

Jim started sputtering a real lot.

“Yes. I mean, no. Uh, I mean, I didn’t buy that card. It just
looks
like it costed a lot of money, that’s all. And whoever bought it spent his whole allowance, I bet.”

I kept on staring at that boy. ’Cause something smelled like fish here, that’s why.

“But if you’re not the one who gave me that valentime, then how come you’re acting so funny, Jim?” I asked. “And how come your words are sputtery and nervous? And how come your face is reddish and blotchish?”

Just then, Jim clunked himself in the head.

“Darn it! I
knew
I’d ruin it! I always ruin everything! Now everybody in Room Nine will know that I like you! And I wanted it to stay a secret!” he said.

All of a sudden, my whole face felt happy.

“You like me, Jim? You really, really like me? ’Cause you never acted like you like me. And so since when did you like me? That’s
what I would like to know.”

Jim’s face got a silly look on it.

“I’ve always liked you,” he said real quiet. “I just
act
like I don’t like you, so nobody will know I like you.”

I looked confused at him.

“But if you
like
me, how come you always call me names?” I asked.

Jim shrugged his shoulders.

“Because you call
me
names,” he said.

I did a big breath.

“Yes, Jim. I
know
I call you names. But that’s because you started it first,” I explained.

“No, I did not,” he said. “
You
started it first.”

I shook my head.

“No, Jim. You did,” I said.

“No, Junie B. You did,” he said back.

“No,
you
did.”

“No,
you
did.”

“No,
you!
”

All of a sudden, Jim raised his hand in the air. And he waved it all around.

I called on him.

“Jim?” I said.

“Maybe we
both
started it, Junie B.,” he said. “Maybe we both started calling each other names on the very same day.”

Just then, I started to smile. ’Cause that would be fair of us, I think!

After that, I skipped around him in a happy circle. On account of this was a nice development.

I grabbed his hand.

“Hey, Jim. Let’s go tell Mrs. that we’re friends. Want to? ’Cause she will get a kick out of this, probably,” I said.

But all of a sudden, Jim plopped down on the floor. And he wouldn’t even budge.

I stared and stared at the top of his head.

“Okay…this doesn’t actually seem like that good of a start for us, Jim,” I said.

He looked up at me.

“I know,” he said. “But I
can’t
tell the teacher that I like you. I can’t tell anyone. If I tell people, it will ruin everything.”

I wrinkled my eyebrows.

“Everything like what?” I said.

“Like all my friends will know I like girls. And that will be embarrassing,” he said. “Plus Room Nine won’t ever be the same again.”

I didn’t understand.

“Why, Jim? Why won’t it be the same?” I asked.

“Because it will be dull and boring, that’s
why,” he said. “Because if you and I like each other, then I won’t tease you anymore. And if I don’t tease you, then you won’t tease me back. And that means you won’t shout silly, funny stuff at me that makes people laugh.”

He rocked back and forth on his feet very bashful.

“You make Room Nine
sparky,
” he said kind of quiet.

After that, he smiled very cute. And he poked my arm with his finger. And he made a sparky sound.

“Z
zzzt!
” he said. “Z
zzzt!
Z
zzzt!
”

I laughed very loud. And I sparked him right back.

“Z
zzzt!
Z
zzzt!
” I said.

And so guess what? Then me and that silly guy started chasing each other all over
Room Nine. And we kept poking and sparking! And it was the funnest game I ever even heard of!

Only too bad for us. Because all of a sudden, we heard a noise at the door.

Oh no!

It was Mrs.

She caught us in the room!

“Hey! What’s going on in here?” she said. “You two are supposed to be on the playground.”

Me and Jim stopped very fast.

Then Jim looked nervous at me. ’Cause he was afraid I would tell his secret, I think.

All of a sudden, I pointed to him kind of mad.

“It’s
his
fault, Mrs.,” I said. “’Cause Jim poked me and made a sparky sound. And
then I had to poke him back and make a sparky sound, too. Only he couldn’t let that be the end of it. And so pretty soon we were chasing and sparking, and chasing and sparking. Only just now you came in the door. And so the chasing and sparking are over, apparently. And so we will just be on our way to the playground, I believe.”

I tapped on her.

“Pardon me while I get by,” I said very polite.

Mrs. rolled her eyes way back in her head.

“Honestly, you two. It’s Valentine’s Day,” she said. “Can’t you get along for just one day?”

After that, she took us by our hands. And she marched us outside.

We waited for her to leave.

Then he looked at me kind of shy.

“You did good,” he said. “Thank you for not telling my secret.”

I smiled at that nice boy.

“That’s okay. Thank you for my mushy gushy valentime,” I said back.

After that, I faced my eyeball at him.

“Wink, wink, Jim,” I said. “Wink, wink, wink.”

And guess what?

Jim pointed his eyeball right back at me. And he winked very perfect!

After that, we runned off to play with our friends. Or else people might think we liked each other. And that would ruin everything!

That is how come I never ever told anybody about Jim’s secret. Not even my bestest friends, Lucille and Grace.

’Cause Meanie Jim is the bestest secret admirer I ever had.

And guess what else?

Room Nine is still staying sparky!

Z
zzzt!