Johnny Hangtime (9 page)

I
tossed and turned all night. At first, when I woke up in the morning, I thought it had all been a dream. Dad wasn't really alive. I hadn't met him on the observation deck.

But then, when Mom woke up and asked me how I managed to go to bed in pajamas and wake up in my clothes, I knew it was no dream.

“I went out for one last look at the falls,” I explained. At least I was being honest, even if I didn't tell her the whole story.

“I don't suppose there's any point in begging you not to do the gag?” Mom asked hopefully.

“No, there isn't.”

In fact, I was pumped. There's a feeling I always get when I'm about to do a big gag. It's a little bit nervousness, yes. But it's also a feeling of exhilaration. While millions of regular kids all over the world are playing video games and walking their dogs and taking piano lessons, I'm about to do something remarkable and amazing.
Something that no kid in the world has ever done. I like that feeling.

I would be putting myself in danger, but I had complete confidence in Roland. He had mapped it out. Every detail had been attended to. Except for my sprained ankle, I had never been hurt while working on one of Roland's movies. In fact,
nobody
had ever been seriously hurt while working on one of Roland's movies.

 

While Mom was in the shower, I went out to the parking lot to grab some breakfast from the food truck. Most of the
Two Birds, One Stone
cast and crew was already out there. I didn't see Augusta Wind or Ricky Corvette.

Everybody looked more serious than they usually do. A bit of tension hung in the air, it seemed to me. It's the tension that comes before something very dangerous is about to take place.

I had a feeling Dad might show up again and try to talk me out of doing the stunt. Sure enough, he hobbled over as I was munching a bagel.

“I just wanted to wish you good luck,” he said.

“Thanks.”

I didn't feel like being all buddy-buddy with him. A guy who abandons his family shouldn't be able to just stroll back in and expect his son to act like nothing happened.

“When did you get to be so big?” Dad asked, marveling at the reality that I was nearly as tall as he was.

“Must have been during the three years you were dead,” I cracked.

I looked around to see if there was a way to get out of talking with Dad. That's when I noticed Mom about ten yards away, looking at us.

Oh no.

I would have thought Mom would faint or scream or something, seeing Dad alive after all that time. But she didn't. She just stood there, frozen, her mouth slightly open.

“Meredith!” Dad exclaimed, limping over to her. “You're as beautiful as ever.” He went to kiss her, but she pulled her head back and folded her arms in front of her.

“And you're as…alive as ever, I see,” Mom said coolly.

“You don't look very surprised to see me, Meredith.”

“I'm not,” Mom replied. “I always suspected you survived. Everybody always said you were indestructable, Joe.”

“I'll take that as a compliment.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I hoped to talk John out of doing this gag.”

“It's useless,” Mom said sadly. “He's as stubborn as you are.”

I didn't know what to say. It was really weird and awkward seeing my mom and dad together again. Mom obviously didn't like it one bit. Dad looked like he was happy to see her, but clearly that wasn't the reason he had shown up.

“John,” he said to me seriously, “I know I can't talk you out of doing this gag. But I want you to know something. I've been thinking about why it's so important to you to do it.”

“Why?

“Because I
couldn't
do it,” he replied. “Remember that game we used to play when you were little? You would jump off the curb and I would jump off a chair, and then you would jump off the car and I would jump off something higher?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, the game is over. You won, John. While I was gone these
past three years, you accomplished more than I did in my entire career. You grew up to be a man. You don't have to prove that to me anymore.”

His words rang in my ear like a bell. People always wondered why I did the crazy things I did.
I
always wondered why I did the crazy things I did. I never knew until that very instant. Suddenly it was all clear to me. I did what I did because I was trying to top my father.

At that moment, Roland strode over. “Ready to rock and roll, Johnny?” he asked excitedly.

“Roland Rivers, I want to introduce you to someone,” I said. “This is Joe Thyme. My dad.”

“Joe Thyme?! You're alive?” Roland said, trembling as he shook Dad's hand like he was meeting the Pope or something. “I—I've memorized all your films frame by frame. You have been my inspiration.”

“Great,” Dad said, unimpressed. “Look, Roland. The scene you're about to shoot is
not
going to work. This river moves thirty-seven, maybe thirty-nine miles an hour at the edge of the falls. There's no margin for error. If your helicopter is six inches too high, too far to the left or right, it will miss John. You obviously can't use a safety net in this scene. If John goes over the falls, there's a good chance his parachute will get tangled up in the rocks before it fully opens. It's too dangerous, and I know a thing or two about danger. I'm asking you as a professional—and as John's father—to call off the stunt.”

Mom put her hand on Dad's shoulder in silent agreement.

Roland looked at my parents without saying anything. I could imagine what was going through his mind. My dad was probably the most daring stuntman in history. If
he
thinks a gag is too risky, it must be too risky. To send a thirteen-year-old boy into a situation like
that—with the kid's parents standing there telling him not to—would be crazy.

On the other hand,
Two Birds, One Stone
was Roland's dream film. If he canceled the gag right now—after Paramount put so many millions of dollars into it—he would probably never get the chance to make a movie like this again. In fact, if Paramount was angry enough, Roland might not get the chance to make
any
movie again.

“You present me with a dilemma, Mr. Thyme.”

Roland rubbed his beard and walked around in circles, as he always did when he had a tough choice to make. Finally, he whispered something into Dad's ear and picked up his bullhorn.

“Attention everyone!” Roland boomed over the parking lot. “Listen up.”

Everybody in the cast and crew straggled over. Roland waited until the whole group had settled around him in a semicircle. He was about to speak when there was a commotion at the back of the crowd. I squinted my eyes to see what was going on.

Ricky Corvette was making his way up to the front.

“Ricky's gonna talk! Ricky's gonna talk! Ricky's gonna talk!” everybody buzzed.

Ricky whispered something to Roland, who nodded and handed him the bullhorn. Everybody leaned forward and hushed up quickly. Ricky hardly ever talks to
anybody
, unless they're very rich, very famous, or can help his career in some way.

“I have a short announcement to make,” Ricky said. “I've given this a lot of thought, and I decided that I'm going to do the Niagara Falls gag
myself
.”

Everybody laughed. Clearly, Ricky was trying to loosen us up a little. Break the tension. It was a classy move, I thought. Very un-Rickylike.

“No,” he said a little more loudly. “I
mean
it.
I'm
going to do the gag.”

He
meant
it! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This might have been the biggest news to hit Niagara Falls since the Ice Age.

For a moment there was stunned silence. When everybody realized Ricky wasn't kidding and they got past the shock, the crowd started buzzing. It was as if it had just been announced that Christmas would be in July this year.

Roland was the first to get to Ricky. The Paramount lawyers were right behind, pulling out their cell phones and dialing frantically. The rest of the crew just sat there, shaking their heads in wonder.

My dad breathed a sigh of relief. Mom put her fists up over her head and looked up in the sky with her eyes closed, as if her prayers had been answered.

Ricky's mom let out a shriek, and then fainted. Somebody caught her before she hit the ground.

“My decision is final,” Ricky said calmly. “So let's shoot the scene, shall we?”

“You're crazy!” Roland shouted at Ricky, gesturing wildly. “You have no experience doing this! You've had no training! It's suicide!”

“I know how to paddle a canoe,” Ricky said. “I can do a chin-up on a bar. It doesn't look so tough.”

“I refuse to be responsible for your safety,” Roland said.

“
I'll
be responsible for my safety,” Ricky replied.

“It's way too risky,” one of the Paramount lawyers moaned. “This is a two-hundred-million dollar picture. We can't risk you getting hurt. The insurance company won't cover it. I won't allow it.”

“Fine,” Ricky said, getting up to leave. “Then get yourself another movie star. Either I do the stunt myself, or you can take my name off the credits.”

“Wait!” the other Paramount lawyer cried. “You mean you want to sit in the canoe, right? Then they pluck you out of the water and Johnny will do the helicopter part, right?”

“Wrong,” Ricky insisted. “I'm doing the whole gag from start to finish.”

Ricky had a determined look on his face. There seemed to be no talking him out of doing the gag himself. Nobody could do anything about it. Paramount had invested too much money in the film to shut the whole production down. Ricky, the star that he was, had the power to do whatever he wanted to do.

But nobody ever thought he would do
this
. Up until now, Ricky had always been content to have me replace him in any scene that didn't call for a close-up.

The Paramount lawyers did some frenetic cell-phoning to their bosses. They made Ricky sign a piece of paper saying Paramount wouldn't be responsible if he got hurt. When they were done jawing, they went over and talked to Roland. He shook his head a few times, and then picked up his bullhorn.

“Okay, people!” Roland announced, waiting for everyone to quiet down. “Money talks, I guess. Instead of Mr. Hangtime being the stunt double for Mr. Corvette, Mr. Corvette will do his own stunt. Let's set up for the shot.”

Everybody started moving their gear toward their places around the Horseshoe Falls. The camera guys set up on the observation deck, on Goat Island, at the base of the falls, and on the Rainbow Bridge. There would also be a camera in the helicopter that would be scooping Ricky up just before the canoe went over the falls.

The emergency crew took up stations all over. There were two ambulances, doctors, nurses, a full medical staff. Boats got in position downstream from the falls in case they had to pull Ricky out.
Everyone looked grim, nervous, serious.

I wasn't sure what to do with myself. Usually, I spend the minutes before a gag thinking it over in my head. Running it through one last time to make sure I don't mess up.

As I watched everyone getting ready, it occurred to me that I felt a certain amount of relief in knowing I would not be going to the brink of the falls. It was the first time in memory that I wasn't itching to get out there and do a gag. I didn't have to top my dad anymore.

At the same time, an unpleasant thought came to me. If something happened to Ricky Corvette doing the gag, it would be partly
my
fault. If I hadn't told Ricky off when he told me to get him a Mountain Dew, he probably wouldn't have decided to do this.

I ran over and caught up with Ricky as he was walking toward the helicopter that would take him upstream to begin the gag.

“Ricky!” I shouted. “Look, I'm sorry about what I said yesterday. I was just mouthing off. It was stupid.”

“Forget it,” Ricky said, without breaking stride. “This isn't about you. I've been thinking about it for a long time.”

“Let me do the gag for you this time,” I suggested. “Then maybe on the next movie you could do some car gags. Jumps. Falls. You know, get used to doing your own stunts.”

“If I don't do this
now
,” he insisted, “there may
be
no next movie.”

“You don't have to do this, Ricky. You don't have to prove how tough you are.”

“Yes, I
do
.”

Ricky stopped and looked at me. It may have been the first time he ever spoke to me man to man.

“I'm so envious of you,” he said. “Everybody knows you've done
all the hard stuff for me. People think I'm a fraud, and they're right. I could always smile for the camera and look cute. But I can't get away with that now. I'm not a kid anymore. If I don't do this, my career is over.”

“If you
do
it, your
life
may be over,” I said.

“My career
is
my life.”

Despite everything that happened between me and Ricky, I actually felt sorry for him. We walked in silence the rest of the way to the helicopter. When we got there, Dad was helping the pilot and cameraman load equipment into the chopper.

“Get in!” Dad yelled over the roar of the rotors.

Ricky put on his helmet and strapped on the life vest. It was a specially designed vest that had a parachute in the back. The chute didn't even have a cord to pull. There's a computer chip in it that can sense downward acceleration. If the person wearing it suddenly drops ten feet, the chute opens automatically.

The chopper took all of us two miles upstream, where the canoe was waiting. A guy was tinkering with a tiny video camera that had been mounted on the front of the canoe. The camera would be destroyed, of course, when the canoe tumbled over the falls. But it would shoot some incredible video first, and beam it over to a truck in the parking lot.