Authors: Parents' Guide to the Middle School Years
Joe Bruzzese (5 page)
COACHING TIP
Talk with your child about responsible cell phone use
before
the school year begins. Agree to a set of expectations that you both can live with. Talking about the consequences before a problem arises can save you hours of frustration and needless arguments
.
Speaking of texting, most middle schoolers now spend more time sending text messages on their cell phones than making actual phone calls. If your family doesn't have a monthly cell phone plan with unlimited messaging, the first monthly bill after your child enters middle school can give you a shock. Avoid this unwelcome surprise by reviewing your family's monthly call plan. Most cell phone plans come with a limited number of text messages as part of the monthly fee. Sending more messages than what's included in your plan incurs extra fees that can add up quickly. If you suspect your child's flurry of messages will send
the monthly bill skyrocketing, take a few minutes to review your expectations for the cell phone's use, as well as the consequences for acting irresponsibly. Sketch out a plan that seems reasonable for both you and your child. You may require that your child contribute the added expense for unlimited messaging or pay for any overage minutes, particularly in cases of repeated overuse.
As addicting as text messaging can appear to be, the long-term effects of an overactive cell phone pale in comparison to the far more serious and certainly more addictive behavior that drugs and alcohol can create. Among the challenges that kids and parents face in the middle school years, exposure to drugs and alcohol ranks at the top of the list. Although some children will have their first experience with either one during elementary school, middle school can mark the beginning of a behavior pattern leading toward addiction. With greater numbers of students on campus and a mix of older adolescents with younger ones, the opportunity for experimentation and exploration increases.
Although it may be hard for parents to imagine a twelve-year-old child drinking or using drugs on a weekly basis, the latest statistics tell a different story. Consider the following five facts (statistics provided by the Marin Institute,
www.marininstitute.org
):
1.
Every day, on average, 11,318 American youth (ages twelve to twenty) try alcohol for the first time; 6,488 try marijuana, 2,786 try cocaine, and 386 try heroin.
2.
Alcohol is by far the most used and abused drug among America's teenagers. According to a national survey, nearly one third (31.5 percent) of all high school students reported hazardous drinking (more than five drinks in one setting) during the thirty days preceding the survey.
3.
Children who are drinking alcohol by seventh grade are more likely to report academic problems, substance use, and delinquent behavior in both middle school and high school. By young adulthood, early alcohol use is associated with employment problems, other substance abuse, and criminal and other violent behavior.
4.
Young people who begin drinking before age fifteen are four times more likely to develop alcoholism than those who begin drinking at twenty-one.
5.
Alcohol is a leading cause of death among youth, particularly teenagers. It contributes substantially to adolescent motor vehicle crashes, other traumatic injuries, suicide, date rape, and family and school problems.
Despite the seriousness of these statistics, don't panicâby reading this book, you're already taking steps toward ensuring that your child avoids drinking and drugs. Implementing the following three actions will support your child in pursuing a drug-free life.
Supervise after-school activities
. Parents can minimize the potential for alcohol and drug abuse through close supervision of after-school and weekend activities. A quick phone call to a friend's parents can often confirm the supervision of another trusted adult and prevent an encounter with drugs or alcohol. However, it requires a certain degree of trust to rely on the integrity of fellow parents to remain present and responsible for your child's welfare. Sharing a cup of coffee with parents who are new to your child's social circle can raise your trust level and lower your anxiety about after-school gatherings. You can make sure your child's activities, whether at home or in public, are supervised, without becoming overly intrusive. Your presence nearby, although not necessarily in the same room, is enough to give most adolescents
a sense of accountability. If your concern or curiosity reaches its limit, don't hesitate to ask about after-school outings. Most kids won't be very forthcoming with the details of their social gatherings, but it doesn't hurt to express your interest by asking, “How's it going?” or “What are you up to?”
Show you care
. Regularly letting your child know “I'm here if you need me” without bombarding him with constant questioning both shows him you care and encourages him to open up on his own.
“I struggled to maintain a relationship with my son Alex during his middle school years. His resolve to gain independence was unrelenting. He'd say things like, âYou can trust me, Mom,' so I gave him almost unlimited freedom. Later, I'd find out he'd been at a friend's house, unsupervised for hours and into all kinds of trouble.”
â
Caitlin, high school parent, Jasper, WY
Establish expectations
. Before the school year begins, share your expectations for after-school and weekend activity participation. Are weekends open for an unlimited number of outings with friends? Or does your vision for the year include family time every week? What's your policy on your child hanging out with friends after school? Is it OK for your child to have friends over without supervision? What about a trip to the mall or the moviesâwill these types of group activities require a chaperone? Having a clear set of expectations in place will alleviate the need for continued debates throughout the year.
Most elementary schools now educate kids about the effects of alcohol and drugs in the primary grades (kindergarten through third grades). Drug awareness education typically continues each year, gradually increasing in depth and complexity. Children
across all grade levels generally observe Red Ribbon Week, an annual effort in the campaign to expand drug and alcohol awareness.
Build on this foundation by talking with your child about the four serious side effects of alcohol and drug use below before the school year begins. Discussing substance use and abuse with your child sends a clear message:
I care about you and recognize there may be tough times ahead
. During this same discussion, it's important to talk about the difference between
use
and
abuse
. Without this distinction, a parent's occasional glass of wine with dinner could be perceived as alcohol abuse. Tackling these challenging issues during the adolescent years strengthens the connection between parent and childâthe strong bond you both may need to get you through some of life's most challenging moments.
COACHING TIP
Before sharing your personal thoughts about how use and abuse differ, ask your child to share her thoughts; you may find that she's already fairly clear on the difference. You may need only to clarify small misunderstandings
.
There are four serious side effects of drinking and drugs:
1. Impaired physical and mental function.
A brain affected by alcohol or drugs has difficulty making wise decisions and sending signals to the right muscles needed for talking, walking, and most seriously, driving.
2. Overwhelming fatigue.
Alcohol and drugs sap the body's energy, making you feel exhausted.
3. Emotional changes.
The parts of the brain that control emotion are affected as well, making you feel anger, sadness, and depression.
4. Life-threatening side effects.
Vomiting, difficulty breathing, and death can result from consuming large amounts of alcohol or drugs in a short period of time.
As if all the aforementioned topics weren't enough for your middle schooler to deal with, stress-driven depression can also set in around this time, as he tries to cope with the many social, emotional, and physical changes he's experiencing. Transitional times can trigger increased anxiety in today's middle schoolers. The uncertainty of a new school year, coupled with the potential for academic overload, is enough to frazzle an adolescent mind. The end of long breaks like the winter holiday and spring break have potential for trouble as well: returning to the routine of early morning wake-ups and full nights of homework can make your child feel overwhelmedâa precursor of stress-driven depression. You'll be able to tell the difference between the occasional mood swing and truly stressful times by watching out for the following five warning signs:
1. The fun is gone.
When hanging out with friends or going to practice isn't fun anymore, your child is probably stressed about something.
2. Missing school.
Occasionally staying home from school because of illness is OK, but missing a lot of school mainly because your child just doesn't feel like getting out of bed may be a sign of too much stress.
3. Lack of energy.
Feeling tired at the end of the day or as she rolls out of bed in the morning is normal. Falling asleep in the middle of the day could mean her body is feeling the effects of stress.
“Andrew had a bit of a meltdown after a recent game, but I'm actually surprised it didn't happen sooner. It was due to a combination of school expectations, soccer, and other activities. We worked through his breakdown by focusing on the right nowâthat minuteâand then moving on. Later, when he'd had a chance to calm down, we figured out a plan for how he'd achieve his objectives over the next three to four days. He was extremely relieved.”
â
Carol, middle school mom, San Antonio, TX
4. Changes in eating habits.
Eating more often than normal or constantly feeling hungry are two common signs of stress. Eating a lot less than normal or completely losing the appetite are also signs of stress.
5. Changes in sleep patterns.
Middle schoolers need approximately nine hours of sleep a night. Sleeping for twelve or more hours may be a response to a series of stress-filled days.
When adolescents experience these changes, the last thing they may want to do is to be around other peopleâespecially parents. However, because prolonged stress often leads to depression, you'll want to alleviate the stress through proactive strategies. Here are ten tips for how you can help your child reduce stress in his life:
1. Have regularly scheduled family dinners.
At dinner time, ask everyone to talk about what happened during the dayâincluding at least one good thing. This can be small (“I didn't have to wait for the busâit came right away”) or major (“I got a B on my science test”).
2. Be health-minded.
Encourage the whole family to take care of the three basicsâeating well, sleeping enough, and exercising regularly.
3. Make laughter a priority.
Watch funny TV shows and movies together. When you hear a joke that you like, remember it to share at home.
4. Let go of negative feelings.
When conflicts or bad moods seem to get out of hand, call for a time-out. Any argument can benefit from a walk around the block to cool off.
5. Create quiet times.
No TV, no music, no computerâjust make an environment conducive to meditation, reflection, reading, or rest. You may need to negotiate this with a child who's used to practically round-the-clock sound.