Authors: Parents' Guide to the Middle School Years
Copyright Â© 2009 by Joe Bruzzese
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Celestial Arts, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
Celestial Arts and the Celestial Arts colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Â Â Â Â Â A parents' guide to the middle school years / Joe Bruzzese.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â p. cm.
Â Â Â Â Â Summary: “A handbook for parents navigating the challenges and opportunities that arise when their children attend middle school”âProvided by publisher.
Â Â Â Â Â
. Middle school educationâParent participationâUnited StatesâHandbooks, manuals, etc. 2. Parent-teacher relationshipsâUnited StatesâHandbooks, manuals, etc. 3. Home and schoolâUnited StatesâHandbooks, manuals, etc. I. Title.
Â Â Â Â Â LB1623.B78 2009
Â Â Â Â Â 373.23'6âdc22
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 2008055113
This book brings together more than twenty years of amazing moments with countless families who shaped my life through their kindness and generosity.
Moving forward wouldn't feel right without acknowledging a handful of people who stun me with their brilliance. Thank you to my wife, Kimberly. Your determination and sheer willpower to achieve leave me as breathless as your beauty. To my two children, Jordyn and Tristan, I couldn't imagine a world without you. Your courage inspires me. You are my heroes.
Thanks, Mom and Dad. Without your encouragement and confidence, I would not be the father I am today.
To my brother Dom, seeing you grow from a feisty young kid into a loving father moves me beyond words.
I owe special thanks to my sister Stephanie. Your gift for crafting diamonds from lumps of coal brought my dream to life.
I also want to acknowledge Jason Womack. Through a stroke of good fortune or perhaps fate, you changed my perception about what life could be, and for that I am eternally grateful.
Thank you, Paul Lee, for teaching me one of life's greatest lessons. Happiness can be found in a fortune cookie or a pot of boiling water.
Thanks to Larry Chambers for demystifying the publishing process.
Finally, to my team at Celestial Arts/Ten Speed Press, thank you for believing in me. A special thanks to my editor, Sara Golski. You possess the rare ability to inspire passionate writing while gently prodding a writer forward.
Of the eight million children attending middle schools this coming year, the experience of only one of themâyour own childâwill truly change your life. Guiding your child's transition into adolescence takes time, patience, and a significant step forward in personal parenting knowledge. Mention the term
among a group of high school parents and you can see the sly smile sweep across their faces, a subtle sign that seems to suggest their happiness at having made it through
days. “What is it that they know?” you wonder.
The road through the middle school years can be smooth at times. Your child's grin as she talks about her wonderful new friends will send your spirits flying high. Positive progress reports can bolster your belief that your child will thrive. Indeed, the rise of positive emotions from exciting new changes can keep you and your child sailing across a sea of tranquility. But beware: the journey through middle school can also take you through turbulent waters.
How will you handle the inevitable adolescent crisis that leaves your child feeling frustrated, sad, or depressed? Changing your perception of what constitutes a crisis is one of the many adjustments required for understanding your child's frequent emotional shifts. A crisis could mean something as simple as a missing shoe or as serious as chronic bullying and drug abuse. Balancing a child's growing need for independence with genuine concern for his physical or emotional safety can become a never-ending exercise in patience for the parent who is accustomed to routinely “saving the day.” True, at times you will be called on to
advocate for your child when her physical or emotional safety is at risk. But although bullying and drug abuse call for strong parent support and presence, the occasional spat between friends or a challenging homework assignment rarely do. Instead, you should view many of these situations as valuable opportunities for your child to figure things out on his ownâand grow in the process. You will likely find this oscillation between being an adamant advocate and a silent partner is an acquired skill that requires new levels of parenting savvy and self-confidence.
The emotional instability that often characterizes a middle schooler's move into adolescence can be exaggerated by the stress of a full academic load and a long list of extracurricular responsibilities. Although you may instinctively want to bring quick resolution to a series of scheduling snafus, I encourage you to stand down and hand over the reins of responsibility to your child for the management of her everyday schedules and routines. Shifting your parenting role from ever-present manager to supportive coach allows your child to gradually accept greater responsibility while benefiting from your continued guidance.
Great coaches inspire, teach, and celebrate achievement. Yet coaching your child through the middle school years will likely be a dramatic change from your earlier role as a teacher and manager in which you assumed responsibility for all of the decisions that impacted your child's day. Remember, middle school marks the beginning of the transition into adolescence and the development of increased independence. As a coach, you will still provide ample opportunities for your child to practice the skills you have taught him. But unlike in your previous roles as teacher and manager, you won't be called on to monitor your child's moment to moment progress. This news may come as a welcome relief to those parents who are ready to move forward toward a new and equally fulfilling relationship with their child. However, I also anticipate that a fair number of parents will struggle and resist letting go of their previous role and adopting what appears to be the more relaxed role of coach. If you are among them, I urge
you in particular to take advantage of the insights, stories, and, in some places, step-by-step strategies I'll share that can ease your transition into the new and engaging role of coach.
Coaches need support too. Success is rarely achieved without encouragement and commitment from a team of valued individuals. You and your family may need to rely on the guidance and support of close friends to pull you through some of middle school's tougher moments. A team of people who care deeply about your child's success is a priceless resource to acquire. Teachers, coaches, mentors, and extended family members form a supportive team that will guide both you and your child through the gauntlet of challenges that lies ahead. If your recent attempts at sharing worldly wisdom with your child have already begun to go unheard, then the team-building ideas presented in the coming chapters may be of special interest to you. Taking on the responsibility for answering all your child's questions and providing solutions to all of life's challenges is an impossible task for parents alone to accomplish. You will strengthen your position as a parent by relying on a team of trusted individuals who know and support your child. Parenting today's middle schooler has truly become a team sport, filled with enough action to keep everyone engaged.
The need to rely on an extended leadership team throughout middle school is in keeping with the significant change in the traditional definition of
. Today, single-parent homes and families with dual wage earners nearly outnumber the traditional mom-stays-home-and-dad-goes-to-work households that many of the parents reading this book (and even more of
parents) knew as children. Families today can rarely find time to sit down and share a conversation, let alone a meal. The range of meetings, practices, and work-related commitments leaves many families hard-pressed to share one meal a week together. It may seem extreme to actually schedule a time to talk, but with the busy schedules many families navigate each week, time well spent together can be fleeting unless it is planned and thus becomes firmly rooted as a family priority.
I've written this book to inspire hope in the relationship parents and children share as they move through the middle school years. As I'll describe next, three themes run through the chapters:
building confidence, maintaining a connection
. Families who thrive during the middle school years actively pursue each of these themes. Although the journey through middle school will not be free of frustration for any family, with an understanding of the three themes, your family is certain to grow in a positive way.
The following summaries offer a glimpse of the highlights from each chapter.
In a sea of new faces, middle schoolers face the challenge of creating new friendships while maintaining friendships from elementary school.
looks at the issues surrounding the day-to-day life of peer relationships, including how to approach new people, handle bullies and cliques, and keep in touch with buddies from before. Jockeying for a spot in the collage of social groups can leave some kids feeling like they're standing on the outside looking in while their peers climb the social ladder. Although friends won't help your child over every bump in the road, a positive peer group certainly adds a boost of confidence for conquering the emotional peaks and valleys of the middle school years.
Establishing a strong team of teachers (that may also include coaches, counselors, and other mentors) sets the stage for a rewarding academic experience.
provides a guide to building a solid team, helping parents learn the best times and ways to approach teachers and how to decipher teacher expectations. You will gain four tips for productive parent-teacher relationships and identify four steps to getting a smooth start to the new school year.
Although some children benefit from the rigor of advanced or honors classes, the vast majority of kids fail to thrive if the level of challenge overwhelms their current academic ability. It can be hard to find the ideal setting that provides just the right amount of challenge. What's the answer?
presents a plan for how kids can thrive in the face of challenge, without becoming overwhelmedâstarting by studying smarter, not harder. From five steps to buying the right supplies, to four ways for finishing homework in half the time, this chapter will guide you in the fine art of finding the right balance in your child's academic undertakings.
Your child's extracurricular commitments can lead to late nights and mounting anxiety about how to excel academically while managing it all.
shows you how to help your child bring balance and organization to her extracurricular life. Learning how to guide your child toward a challenging, yet realistic set of goals remains one of parenting's most daunting tasks. With the plethora of opportunities available both before and after the school day, children and parents can quickly become sucked into an overloaded schedule. You can ensure a smooth start to the school year by identifying and committing to a few interests outside of the school dayâsettings in which kids can experience success in having met their academic responsibilities while simultaneously engaging in activities they truly enjoy. You and your child shouldn't require advanced time management skills to find time for both. With a proactive attitudeâbased on the creation of a vision for the coming yearâyour child will be well on the way to enjoying the best that both environments have to offer.