Joe Bruzzese (15 page)

What is the club's philosophy? Does the club exist to develop the social and emotional sides of a child in addition to their athletic ability? As you look through the club's bylaws, scan for words like
citizenship, character
, and
academic standards
. Most club programs now seek to develop the whole child by requiring a basic level of academic achievement and a commitment to community service.

How are players selected? Although clubs hold tryouts throughout the year, many kids earn their positions through private invitation from a coach. Ask about the selection process so there are no misunderstandings.

How long is the season? Depending on the climate in your area, club sports can be limited to the traditional three-month season or run virtually year round, like soccer in the more temperate climate of California. Ask the coach or team parent for a calendar from the prior year so you will have a better understanding of just what type of commitment awaits your family in the coming year. In addition, inquire about the team's tentative list of commitments for the coming year, which should include competitions and tournaments both during and outside the traditional season calendar.

What costs are involved? The biggest shock for most parents new to the club experience is the ongoing expense. Recreational sports typically ask for a one-time registration fee that covers uniforms, supplemental insurance costs, and field maintenance fees. In contrast, when it comes to the fees you can expect to pay during your child's tenure on a club team, uniform costs are just the tip of the iceberg. Clubs choose to structure their fees and payment schedules in a variety of ways, ranging from the one-time outlay—which can be equivalent to a down payment on your next car!—to monthly installment plans covering costs in the immediate future. Fees go to fund new uniforms (two to three sets, including warm-ups), referees, league registration, tournaments (travel expenses not included), new equipment, and the coaching staff.
Ask current club parents about the tally of expenses to get a more detailed outlay of what you can expect.

Who is coaching the team? Ask about the coach's credentials, and in particular his or her experience working with kids. A coach with a professional playing career on his resume sounds great, but often these gifted athletes developed their talent without the assistance of coaching at a younger age. They simply had the ability to do what most of us must learn through the teaching process. At the younger ages and through middle school, children are still developing a mastery of basic techniques that require the expertise of a coach who can break down complex skills into smaller, easy-to-follow steps. Before you commit your child's participation to the team, attend a few practice sessions to get a clearer picture of the person who will affect your child's life on a weekly basis.

Programs with a long history and tradition of competition have a coaching hierarchy that begins with a head coach or lead trainer who oversees a cast of supporting team coaches. Team coaches in larger club programs typically shoulder the responsibility of training multiple teams. Speaking from my experience as a former soccer head coach, there were years when I trained three teams while overseeing the training regimen for the club's ten additional teams. The challenge to be present at multiple match locations on a single day often meant one team wouldn't see me. Given the possibility that your team may be left without a coach at times, it's important to inquire about the percentage of practices and competitions your coach is expected to attend and the club's policy for providing a substitute in his absence. On many occasions I stood across the field from frustrated kids and parents as they struggled to compete without a club-appointed coach. Of course, the occasional illness can interrupt a coach's full-time attendance, but you should endeavor to ensure a solid commitment from the club that a coach will be present at all competitions—your child is sacrificing a lot and deserves the same level of commitment from his coach.

In my twenty-year tenure as a club soccer coach I had the pleasure of guiding some of the nation's most gifted athletes between the ages of eight and eighteen. Among these highly talented, passionate children were many kids who would have benefited far more from the less competitive recreational environment, in which equal play time for all participants guarantees growth for the greatest number of players. As a coach my charge was to select, through tryout or personal invitation, the most gifted soccer athletes I could find within the immediate geographic area. This often meant attending local recreational matches and pitching the benefits of club soccer to parents on a weekly basis. Kids as young as eight were asked to try out for the club's youngest team—the under nine group. You might think that with a start this young these soccer prodigies were all but assured a spot on the college soccer team. In reality, many of these kids lost interest in soccer by the start of their high school years. In stark contrast to most countries, where kids play in the street or for their school teams until nearly the teen years, in the United States we have pushed our youth program to the point of fatigue for many kids. Gathering information through informal conversations with parents and direct inquiries with club members will help you decide whether a club program is the best fit for your child and your family.

Are you having trouble encouraging your child's participation in extracurricular activities? Kids may shy away from joining clubs and onsite school activities for a variety of different reasons, ranging from shyness to anxiety over their perceived inability to succeed. Although participation in an activity you choose may not inspire a sudden desire to leave the house, requiring your child to take part in some type of organized activity two to three times a week promotes the healthy development of social skills and access to a new peer group.

Connecting the introverted child with a mentor-minded adult or organization creates a safe bridge between your home and the outside world. Joining an active group of peers can often be overwhelming for the child who prefers the company of one friend or a caring adult. Libraries, youth groups, and summer camp programs are staffed by adults who enjoy working with kids. During the after-school hours and summer months, middle school kids can volunteer in a variety of capacities while under the direct supervision of an adult mentor. Identifying adult mentors who relate to your child takes time and a keen eye for special people who share your values and ideals and also are able to connect with adolescents (a truly rare and valuable trait). Begin your search for mentors by connecting with teachers or the principal at your child's elementary school. Often schools partner with mentoring organizations as part of their ongoing connection with the community. Adding mentors creates a vital link in the support your child can receive during the middle school years. Counselor-in-training programs actively recruit middle school kids to staff their medley of summer camp activities. Community- and church-based youth groups also have a need for kids who would like to guide younger elementary age kids through after-school and summer programs. Assuming a leadership or supervisory role among a group of younger children removes the anxiety that many kids feel with their own peer group, and it may be just the experience your child needs to bring him out of his personal shell.

Introverted children aren't the only ones avoiding participation in after-school activities. A growing number of our nation's most active kids are losing interest in sports, the arts, and their schoolwork as they enter the middle school years. Taking a closer look at the increased activity load that many kids have continued to maintain throughout their elementary school years, we begin to see the cause of the burnout. Take, for example, Julia, whose avid
participation in soccer and the school band keeps her busy until 8:00
P.M
. on weeknights, often with overlapping practices that require a quick change of clothes and dinner on the go as Mom traverses the cross-town commute to the next activity. She arrives home with little room for rest or anything resembling meaningful conversation with other family members. The push to complete homework and study for weekly tests consumes the next three hours of Julia's evening, leaving her a few minutes of down time to IM (instant message) friends and say goodnight to Mom and Dad. How many adults do you know who could withstand the rigor of a weekly schedule like Julia's?

Julia's life is characteristic of many overscheduled kids arriving in middle school today. The onslaught of activities didn't happen as a result of starting middle school. It grew steadily in response to years of continually adding more and more until the child finally reaches a point of overload. Without the skills or experience needed to manage multiple expectations, many kids find themselves exhausted from a daily routine that most adults couldn't maintain.

Where did the expanding list of opportunities come from, and why do we, as parents, feel compelled to have our children participate? One reason for the recent onslaught of activity is simply the availability of opportunities. A generation ago, organized programs for sports and specialized arts were the exception rather than the norm. In the last few decades our idyllic vision of kids playing stickball in the park has been transformed into squads of kindergartners playing sixty-game schedules of year-round baseball. From the early elementary school years, many children now have the opportunity to participate in a full menu of activities from basketball to ballet.

The myth of a potential college scholarship seems to justify the added expense and travel time many parents invest. The reality, with respect to college scholarships and professional athletics, is that less than 5 percent of high school age children receive college scholarships for either the arts or athletics. Less than 1 percent
of children will achieve a professional level in either discipline. Nevertheless, competition for participation in top programs and professional coaching has driven parents to seek out and sign up for programs miles away. But for many children (and parents), the time spent engaging in these activities is time away from friends and family. Childhood, for today's generation of kids, has been redefined as a time for structured activity rather than free play.

Shifting your perception away from participation as a necessity, to participation based on your child's enthusiasm, can help bring balance to your child's extracurricular life. But moving away from what society has come to accept as the norm brings its share of challenges. Friends, both yours and your child's, may wonder why you are not as overscheduled as they appear to be. Focus on your child's enthusiasm (or lack thereof) to guide the activities on her after-school schedule.

To spot a child's dwindling enthusiasm, you may need a trained eye or the help of a trusted friend who knows your child. The day-to-day routine most families maintain keeps them from seeing the subtle changes that eventually lead to huge shifts in their children's behavior. It's easy to overlook your child's grumpy attitude for a few days or her flippant comment about quitting the team after a tough practice. Many parents attribute these subtle shifts in attitude to the normal emotional changes of a moody middle schooler; when confronted with the reality that their child is burned out, they respond with disbelief and denial.

Without turning your parenting role into that of a guard imposing a series of emotional checkpoints, designate a time every two to three days when you will consciously take stock of your child's emotional state. The brief stretches of “down time”—on the drive to school, after returning home from an evening activity, or just before bedtime—often reveal a child's location along the emotional spectrum. Although occasional reluctance to attend an
after-school practice isn't cause for alarm, if your child steadily refuses to participate, it is a strong signal that burnout is approaching. If he makes explicit statements like “I don't like doing this anymore” or “This isn't fun for me,” you should acknowledge these with your attention and commitment to inquire further about the cause behind these feelings of discontent. Another more subtle indicator of burnout is the sudden disappearance of equipment or materials required for participation in after-school endeavors. The habitually missing baseball glove or band instrument can be attributed to something greater than a lack of responsibility. Children who are passionate about their extracurricular pursuits find the motivation to keep their gear close and prepared for their next outing. Finally, when practices or commitments fall by the wayside or your child expresses ambivalence in having missed the event, you should acknowledge the signal for a break. By checking in with your child, either through observation or conversation, you can minimize the chance of burnout while maximizing ongoing enthusiasm for thriving in the years ahead.