Jenna Petersen - [Lady Spies] (22 page)

Emily nodded. “He told me.”

Lady M smiled. “Which proves what I am saying, my dear. I see you watch him with that fierce protectiveness, that light you once reserved only for Ana and Meredith, but it is multiplied now. You will stand beside him through anything. I know that about you.”

Vision blurring with shock and intense emotion, Emily somehow managed to stumble to her feet. She backed away from the shocking words from Lady M’s mouth. The ones that pinpointed all her secret hopes. All her hidden dreams and feelings.

But she couldn’t have them. For the one reason Lady M didn’t know. For the one fact that had destroyed her first marriage.

Lady M tilted her head. “But that is not why you came here, is it? And from the wild look in your eyes that I see now, the same one you always get right before you run, you won’t discuss my son with me any further.”

Emily’s mouth dropped open. Dear God, this woman did know her so very well.

“And I don’t think you came here tonight to verify my identity either. You realized who I was a week ago when you were brought here after you were injured. You may not have wanted to admit it, but you knew in your heart.” Lady M pushed to her feet and interlaced her fingers in front of her. “So tell me, my dearest Emily, what is it that you did come here for? What do you need that you wouldn’t obtain with Charlie as a go-between?”

Emily swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry. She was nearly dizzy from all the confusion and emotion that flowed through her. But she settled her nerves.

“I—I want to leave London.”

Lady M’s smile faded. “Oh, Emily. Running away never solved anything.”

“I’m not running,” Emily insisted, though the denial was empty even to her own ears. “Despite what you think, I have nothing to run from.”

“My dear, you have been running your whole life.”

Emily flinched at that assessment, which was so true. She’d run from pain, run from the past, run from her fear. Only when she met Ana and Meredith and took on her role as spy had she felt like she belonged. But that had changed now, too.

Ana and Meredith had their husbands, brand new lives. And she was empty. Alone.

She shook away her self-pity. “And what about you? You’re lying to your own son, even though he deserves to hear the truth. Isn’t that running?”

Lady M pressed a finger to her lips and was silent long enough that Emily feared she had gone too far over the line. She hadn’t wanted to anger her superior, just make her understand that sometimes one did what one had to do. Emily didn’t agree with Lady M’s choices and Lady M might not understand hers.

“Perhaps you are correct in that, Emily.” Lady M shrugged. “Perhaps keeping my secret from my son
is
a way to hide. To protect myself from his reaction, even as I say I am protecting him. What say we strike a bargain?”

Emily looked at the other woman with caution. She wasn’t sure she liked the glint in Lady M’s eyes.

“A bargain?” she repeated slowly. “What kind of bargain?”

“I shall tell my son the truth about my identity…if you give him a chance. Look deep inside yourself, see your true feelings, and tell him what they are.”

Emily took a harsh breath and stared at Lady M with wide eyes.

“Love should be embraced, not feared, Emily.” The other woman shook her head. “Life is fleeting and I would not like to see you with regrets.”

With a sigh, Emily dipped her gaze away. Sometimes all she had were regrets. The idea that Grant could love her despite all her shortcomings was a bewitching one, but they had gone over and over the facts in the past. There were too many obstacles.

But if she agreed, Grant would have the truth about his mother. Which he deserved. She could leave with a clean conscience and the knowledge that she had given him that final gift.

“If I speak to him, will you give me cases outside of London?”

Lady M frowned. “If, after you talk to him, you still wish to leave, I will consider it.”

Emily pursed her lips. It wasn’t much of a bargain for her part. But finally, she nodded.

“Very well,” she whispered as she turned for the door. “I will make that bargain with you. Thank you for your advice. And I promise you I will take all of it into account.”

Lady M reached for her, took her hand, and squeezed gently. “Very good, my dear,” she said softly before she let her go. “Farewell.”

G
rant surged to his feet as Emily stormed into her parlor. Though he was standing in the middle of the room, she seemed not to notice him. He took the rare opportunity to examine her expression without the protective mask she always kept in place to keep those around her at arm’s length.

Her face was open and her emotions were reflected freely over every feature. And she was upset. Her frown pulled down with such anger and sadness and confusion that it tugged at him. It was even clearer in her jerky movements as she tossed her gloves onto the poor boy and poured herself a brimming tumbler of the best whiskey in her collection.

“Emily?”

She froze with the glass halfway to her lips, then turned to face him with almost painful slowness.

“Grant.” She breathed his name like she could hardly believe it. “What are you doing here?”

He tilted his head to the side. “Didn’t Benson tell you?”

She shook her head as a blush tinged her cheeks dark red. “No, I…er…didn’t allow him to get that far.” She looked at the tumbler. “Drink?”

He shook his head. “No.”

She set the glass aside and took a hesitant step toward him, almost like she was afraid to get too close. “Did
she
send you?”

“She?” Grant stared at her. “I have no idea who you mean.”

Relief crossed her features. “It’s nothing. Wh—Why are you here?”

He cleared his throat. He’d prepared a speech to recite to her when she came home, but seeing her so undone, so emotional, threw him off his plan. Now he wasn’t sure how to say what he felt. How to make her understand.

“Emily,” he began. “I know we said we would end our affair when our case ended. We vowed we wouldn’t allow emotion into the equation because there were too many things between us.”

She nodded and a flicker of sadness touched her expression. “Yes.”

He moved toward her another step, unable to resist. “But you can’t predict the heart. It isn’t possible. As much as I tried to fight it, to pretend it wasn’t happening, to shut it off…I fell in love with you.”

Her lips parted and a strangled sound of both pain and joy escaped her mouth. Emily covered her lips with her hand and stared at him without answering.

“I am in love with you, Emily,” he repeated, because he wasn’t certain she understood. Somehow he had thought she’d be in his arms by now.

“But all those things that kept you from wanting me,” she whispered. “They still exist.”

He shook his head. “I feared for your safety and believed I couldn’t bear it if I lost you. And I admit that I will always be nervous about the risks you take in the field, but I’ve seen so much evidence of your strength since we first formed this partnership. And I realize that part of loving you is trusting you. With your own life, as much as with mine. And I do.”

She turned away. “Please, Grant. You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I do.” He caught her elbow and turned her to face him. “I love you. And I want to marry you.”

A single, silent tear trickled down her cheek as Emily stared up at him blankly. Then she extracted her arms from his and paced away.

“I—I’m sorry,” she whispered, her voice breaking. “I can’t.”

Grant asking her to be his wife should not have brought her such intense pleasure, and doing what was right and refusing his offer should not have brought her so much pain. It was inevitable. Yet Emily could have gone to her knees and howled, the refusal hurt so deeply.

She wanted to be his wife, with everything in her being. After all her denials to everyone who confronted her with the truth, she could finally admit it, if only to herself. She loved this man. With everything in her, with all she wanted to be, but couldn’t. She loved him.

Pain rocketed through her and it was impossible to tamp it down as she had in the past. Everything related to her feelings for Grant was so intense and had been from the very start.

“No?” he repeated, his voice strangely empty. “Why Emily?”

She panted out a breath. “There are so many reasons.”

He pursed his lips. “Give me one.”

She nodded. Yes, he deserved the truth. If he had it, he wouldn’t torment himself over losing her affection. He would probably thank his luck that he had.

“You asked me once about my marriage,” she said softly. “And I wouldn’t give you an answer. Perhaps if I explain that to you now, you’ll understand.”

He nodded, tension coursing through every fiber of his being. She motioned for the settee beside the fire and sat down in one of the chairs. Grant took his place and leaned forward, his stare focused on her with intensity.

She drew in a long breath and readied herself to tell the story she had never revealed to anyone.

“I’m certain when you began your investigation of me, you must have learned something about Seth in your research.”

He frowned. “Yes. He flaunted his affairs.”

She nodded even as hot blood rushed to her cheeks. His blunt statement made her want to run away, but she remained where she sat.

“He enjoyed causing me pain by letting me know exactly who he had in his bed. Where. When. And how, when he thought it would hurt me.”

She turned away. Even though it had been so long, the memories still brought her pain and humiliation. Just as Seth had wanted them to.

“He was a bastard,” Grant growled.

She held her breath. That was the perfect opening, wasn’t it? The perfect place to tell him the one thing she’d never told a living soul. Even Meredith and Ana.

Their eyes locked and she let the confession spill from her lips. “No.
I
was the bastard.”

Grant drew back, his brow wrinkling with confusion. “I don’t understand.”

She tilted her chin downward. “My childhood was a hell I rarely speak of. My mother delighted in many affairs, but only one produced a child. I was a late-coming and very unwelcome surprise that only reminded her husband of her faithless nature.”

She thought of her father and all his moods with a shiver.

“He couldn’t deny me in public or he would have to admit that she cuckolded him regularly. His pride refused to allow that. So he showed me every advantage a child of his name could have…and treated me like the lowest form of life whenever there were no outsiders to see his cruelty. The children who were truly of his blood took their cues from him and treated me just as badly.”

She stared off into nothingness as memories assaulted her. “Every day I wished I was someone else. Wished I could put on a costume and become another girl with another life.”

“That is why the idea of disguise came so naturally to you,” Grant said quietly. “Why you took to it so easily.”

She nodded, surprised at how freeing it was to confess this dark secret. It was almost a relief to finally tell someone about her past, even though she knew full well what the result would be.

“When I came of age, my ‘father’ couldn’t wait to get me out of the house. He made an advantageous match with Seth Redgrave, who would ultimately become Earl of Allington. I thought certain my life with him couldn’t be any worse than my existence at home. I entered the marriage with the hopes any bride has in her heart.”

She winced as she recalled her naivete. Her wide-eyed innocence when it came to dreams of the happily-ever-after of a fairy tale. “Seth was young, he was handsome, I hoped in time he might come to care for me and that we would have children that I could love and give the childhood I was denied.”

“But what happened?” Grant asked, his deep voice soothing her.

She sighed. “My father was great friends with Seth’s father. That was how the match was made. One night they were deep in their cups and my father confessed the truth he had kept secret for so many years. He told Lord Allington that I was a bastard.”

Grant flinched. “Old Allington was well known for his views on aristocratic blood and purity.”

She gave a brittle smile. Oh, how she knew that.

“Yes, he was. He was enraged that a bastard had come into his family. He wanted to shoot my father, he was so angry. He wanted to have the marriage declared illegal, but to do so would have been very complicated and would have ended up dragging the spotless Allington name through the mud. Instead, he told Seth the truth and made him promise never to let me get with child. He told him that he’d have to allow the title to pass to one of his younger brothers or one of their children rather than have it come to a son he bore with me.”

Grant reached for her hand and held it loosely. His eyes held hers, drew her in. All his emotions were plain there. His anger at her father and her husband for their treatment, his empathy for the pain she had endured, and his wish to ease that pain.

“How could he allow that?” he whispered.

She laughed. “Quite easily, apparently. Poor Seth was never one to stand up to his father. Even after the old man died, he was too afraid not to live by the rules Allington outlined. So instead, he vented his rage at me. In his eyes, it became
my
fault that he wouldn’t fulfill his destiny and pass the title to a son. He continued to take his husbandly rights, but he gave up all pretense of my pleasure. And he began to cuckold me publicly in order to prove that he was virile, that it was me who was the cause of our lack of children.”

Grant hissed out a dark curse.

She winced. “It was very painful, an empty existence. Which is why, when my husband died, I was so open to Charlie’s offer of joining the Society. Why I love being a spy so much. All the control I didn’t have with my father, with Seth, I have taken in the life I lead now.”

Grant nodded. “I understand that. And as I said, I would never require that you give that up. But I don’t understand why what you’ve told me should come between us. If anything, hearing about your past and seeing what kind of strong woman you have become, has made me love you more.”

Her mouth gaped open. “Do you not understand? I’m a
bastard
. And you once told me, quite vehemently, that you would never accept illegitimacy. Every time we made love, your actions reinforced your words. No matter how intense the passion became, you were never so swept away that you poured your seed into my body.”

Grant shook his head, but Emily plowed forward.

“My blood is tainted. I can only be a man of your rank’s lover, not his wife.”

“That isn’t true—” he began.

She barked out a laugh. “I lived it, I know it is true. Your family line is so fine and respected. If anyone found out you were married to a woman with my history, it could hurt you. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for such a thing. And I couldn’t bear it if you grew to resent me for that fact. So I can’t marry you, Grant. I can’t take the risk.”

He moved for her. “Emily—”

“Don’t, please don’t,” she cried, finally allowing her emotions to bubble over. “Just go!”

Before he could reply, the parlor door opened and Benson stood in the entryway. “I apologize, my lady, but you have a guest.”

Emily let out her breath in a gust of frustration. “I’m in the middle of something, Benson.”

“I realize that, my lady, but the woman said you were expecting her. It is Lady Westfield.”

Emily spun on her butler in disbelief. Lady M was here, at this very moment? Oh God, their “bargain.” She had promised to reveal the truth about her identity to Grant if Emily admitted her feelings for him. If her spymaster had been informed of Grant’s arrival at Emily’s home, Lady M might have come to collect on that bargain.

Emily stared at Grant. He hadn’t moved, even when the servant interrupted. He was still just a few paces away, but now he was staring from her to Benson and back again with an expression of utter surprise.

“Why is my mother here, Emily?” he asked softly so that the butler wouldn’t hear.

She shook her head. “Benson, allow her ladyship in.”

The servant bowed away, leaving the door open. Emily could hear him speaking to Lady Westfield in the hallway. They only had a few seconds before they would be interrupted.

“Grant,” she murmured, searching his eyes. In a few moments, he would have the biggest shock of his life. And despite her declarations that they couldn’t be together, she hated to think that he would be hurt. “I hope you’ll understand.”

He drew back. “Understand what?”

“Good evening, Grant,” Lady Westfield said as she swept into the room.