Jase (12 page)

Brad walked me to my car and smiled, “I am going to kiss you goodnight, don’t return it.”

Before I could object, his hand was on the back of my head and his lips were on mine, I know I should have pulled away, I really should have, but it was sweet an innocent. No tongue, no rush, no strings.

“Goodnight Carly,” he stepped back as I got in the car and he watched as I drove away.

~

When I got home I told Mom what had
happened and she smiled, “He’s a great guy. Thomas likes him a lot. And he’s willing to wait for you.”

“No
… that’s not what he said Mom, and it’s not what I want.”

“Okay
.”

I called Jase and when he answered I could tell I woke him. I told him about what had happened. All of it except tha
t I kind of liked it. I wouldn’t let it happen again, I couldn’t. I loved Jase Steel. And Jase Steel loved me.

Over the next month Brad and I worked
diligently on the project. I didn’t go to dinner with him when he asked, and he treated me no differently than before. He was truly amazing.

I had even begu
n to meet a few friends. Janet was fun, she and I had a few classes together and she was interested in the same books as I was, (yeah, THOSE books). Brad was hanging out more with his swim team which was good, yes it was good. I missed him a little, but still not like Jase, not even close.

~

“You in bed, baby?”

“Yeah, very tired. How is…”

“Little Bell is great, she’s loving her new school, and even has a few new friends. Her birthday is the weekend before I see you so get this shit: I’m hosting a pajama party for five, five and six year olds. I mean seriously these parents are out of their minds letting some pierced, tattooed, single Dad keep their kid’s overnight. What the fuck is wrong with people?”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “I’
m sure they can see through the piercings, and you only have a couple tattoos. It’s not like you look like Cyrus or Zandor.”

“Yeah
, but what will they think when they drop their kids off and they’re here?”

“Well, w
ho cares, right?”

“Never did before,” he chuckled, “But it matters now.”

“Okay, look… give me your brother’s numbers. All of them I will deal with them.”

“I got it
, Baby,” he laughed, “Mom and Charlotte will be here and I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“I want to help, it’s a big deal.”

“That’s very sweet but I have it covered,” Jase yawned.

“Did you do decorations?”

“What?”

“
Like a theme, what is the theme?”

“It’s a six year old
girl’s birthday party, a sleep over.”

“Okay good, I’
m going to….” I grabbed my laptop and Googled party themes.

“What are you going to do?”

“Give me your address,” I was excited.

“Why?”

“Party supplies, of course.”

“You don’t have to
…”

“Jase
, come on. Let me do something, please, please, please?”

“You could
have been,” Jase stopped, “I’ll text you the address.”

“I could have been what Jase?”
I have no idea why I asked, I knew what he was going to say.

“Nothing, it’s just hard to juggle two different
lives. Look, I appreciate that you want to help and I shouldn’t have said anything. Shit just changes, you know.”

“I know,” I also knew I was going to cry. I felt the heat in my eyes, stupid heat!

“Alright I am going to head to bed. School in the morning, no more sleeping in for me or Bella,” he forced a small laugh.

“
Goodnight Jase,” I did the same.

“Goodnight
, Carly.”

His life was changing and I felt this twinge of
jealousy which made me sick to my stomach. I would not ever be that person, jealous over someone’s child. It was sick and I wouldn’t do it. I know it’s not jealousy, I just want it to be perfect for her, and for Jase.

So here I go down the dark path I never thought I would travel. A world only
desperate women traveled. I grabbed my purse and dug out my wallet. I opened my laptop and took a deep breath before I headed down this dark road, emotional shopping boulevard here I come.

I l
oaded up the cart, streamers balloons, cute little hats, noise makers, and anything I could find that had anything to do with sleepovers and birthdays.
Man did it feel good
! Next I went on a birthday present rampage. I couldn’t believe how much fun this was! When I finished, I did a happy dance and then grabbed my phone to text Jase. I looked at the clock and decided it could wait for the morning.

~

I woke and looked at my phone, no ‘good morning’ text from Jase. Come to think about it, he hadn’t sent a text saying goodnight nor did he say
I love you Baby
at the end of our conversation. Well he was tired, and overwhelmed. Forgiven.

-Good morning…C

My phone rang immediately, “Hey, sorry,” he whispered into the phone.

“Don’t be sorry, and why are you
whispering,” I whispered back.

He didn’t answer right away I heard a door shut, “Baby
, do you know how much a five year old can vomit?” he asked sarcastically.

“Aw,
is she sick?”

“Yeah,” he laughed, “Poor kid woke up right after I got off the phone with you and I heard her cry. I walked
into a scene from the damn Exorcist, projectile vomiting all over the place.”

“Is she okay?”

“Yeah she’s finally asleep. I cleaned up puke for hours, her room was all fucked up. I have the windows open now, hoping to kill the germs in there. She’s all snuggled up in my bed. No fever, no more throwing up… she’ll sleep it off.”

“It’s not a hangover,” I laughed.

“I know, much worse: she cried, Baby.”

“I am sorry Jase. What did you do?”

“I didn’t cry,” he chuckled.

“Did you?” I giggled.

“No, I gave her a bubble bath, cleaned all the puke smell off of her and put her in bed, read a book and she passed out.”

“Good job
, Daddy.”

“Thanks.”

“Well while you were knee deep in vomit I went online shopping. You should be getting a package in a few days,” I was so excited.

“Okay, but you shouldn’t have,” Jase was rolling his eyes, I could hear it in his voice.

“It’s a party in a box, and presents for your little Bell.”

“Did you just clap at yourself?”

“Yes, it’s very exciting.” His laugh was interrupted by a yawn. “Go to sleep, I am going to shower and get ready for class, and maybe touch myself while I shower.”

“What the hell did you just say?”

“I was thinking about staring at your picture while I did but my phone is not waterproof,” I laughed.

“It will be if you promise to …hmmm. One week and three days,”
Jase groaned, “You really going to…”

“No, I just wanted to get you going.”

“You will regret that next week Baby.”

“The hell I will,” I laughed.

“I love you.”

“Glad to hear it, I love you, go to sleep. Call me when you wake up?”

“I might be busy, who the hell knows what more she has brewing in there.”

“I really wish I could be there to help.”

“You do?”

“Of course I do. Jase I want to know her, I just—It’s hard enough sayi
ng goodbye to you, your little Bell would wrap me around her little finger in two seconds.”

“You’
ve talked to her once.”

“And I am already breaking self-
governed rules,” I groaned.

“Like what?”

“Online shopping, the thrift shop queen went online shopping. Wait until Mimi finds out.”

“You shop at thrift stores?” Jase sounded shocked.

“Yeah--- do you know how expensive it is to live here? Mom and I wandered into a shop once and saw clothing with tags still on them, addicted immediately,” I laughed.

“That’s pretty cool.”

“Rockin’ tags.”

“What?” Jase laughed.

“A song… never mind. Go to sleep hot stuff, I am going to go shower,” I whispered the last part.

“You are not going to be able to walk for a week after I get
a hold of you Baby,” Jase threatened.

“Looking forward to it, love you.” I hung up, very proud of my naughty self.

For the next three days, I spoke to Bella every night before she went to bed on speaker, with her and Jase. I was already in love with the little Bell. She would say prayers, something I had not done in years, and then either Jase or I would read a story. Two out of three nights she got us both to, I of course picked long stories about independent princesses and Jase read from a ratty old book that had stories about fathers and daughters. I later found out that her grandmother Charlotte had read out of that book since Bella was born. Charlotte never wanted to keep Bella away from Jase, but Lee insisted. He went into a deep depression after Charlee had died and Charlotte stood beside him regardless of how wrong she knew it was. Jase held little resentment… he’d only wished his father could have known his daughter and that she knew him. Jase was just happy he had Bella now and wouldn’t let something beyond his control mess with his mind.

Every
day I saw less of the bad ass, pushy, sarcastic, and very naughty guy I’d met at the beach, and more of a man who I knew I would never want to be without. He was amazing, unbelievable in every way.

Jase and I decided we would test out face
-time, he insisted he had no dirty intentions, I knew better (or hoped I did).

“Hello
, Bella,” I smiled into the screen.

“Carly?” she smiled brightly and she had the same dimple as he had.

“Yes, and you are even more beautiful than I imagined Bella.”

“You look like pictures of my Mommy.”

“I do?”

“Same hair color
, little Bell,” Jase looked nervous.

“And eyes Daddy,” Bella smiled.

“I bet you have the same eye color as her too, huh Bella?” I hoped it would make Jase feel less anxious, “You have your Daddy’s dimple right there,” I touched the screen and she laughed, “Did you feel that?”

“No, do it again,” Bella pushed her face against the screen and it made me laugh.

“Did you that time?”

“I
think so,” she clapped and I laughed and clapped too.

“Oh wow,” Jase laughed, “You two are going to have so much fun together
, someday.”

“When? Are you coming to my party?” she clapped again and my heart nearly broke.

“No, I have school and live very far away, but we have a break in March, maybe I can visit then?”

She smiled and shook her head yes, “Are you Daddy’s girlfriend?”

I smiled and said ‘his friend’ at the same time Jase said ‘yes’.

“Well which is it?”

“Well Bella, it’s a crazy situation.” I looked at Jase who sat back and crossed his arms over his chest, raised his eyebrow and smirked
, smart ass
I thought and I was so glad it didn’t pop out of my mouth. “You guys live there, I live here and well….Jase you got anything?”

“Yes Little Bell, she is my girlfriend she has a year
and a half left of school, and then when she finishes college…”

“Graduates,” Bella corrected him and he laughed.

“Yes, when she graduates we will figure it all out.”

“But for now, we can talk this way, it’s pretty cool huh?”

“Yeah and you can come to my birthday party just like this.”

I laughed, “That’
ll probably not work ladies.”

“Why not?” we asked at the same time and he laughed.

“Because I said so,” he winked at me.

When she had fallen asleep he explained that he just felt like it would be to
o much and I completely understood.

My phone
chimed as Mom and I were walking in the house after two hours at the gym. I looked down and saw Jase’s picture and face time request.

I grabbed a bandana off the co
unter and quickly covered my sweat drenched hair before answering.

“Hi Carly,” Bella whispered.

“Hey birthday girl, what are you doing?”

“Dad said no
, but I think it’s rude that you can’t see how pretty everything looks,” her smile did me in.

“Well that’s very thoughtful. Okay do a quick tour and then we can talk later,” I loved that she wanted to include me, so sweet. There was no way Jase could be upset about this.

While Bella began the tour Mom leaned over my shoulder and watched with me. Bella showed me the hot pink and lavender streamers and balloons, “I am glad the banner says Bella and not Little Bell, I am six now you know,” she smiled into the phone and my Mom laughed. She continued and showed the cake and table coverings, “Daddy wouldn’t let me open the presents, he said they were goody bags to share with my guests and that if Carly went through all that trouble it should be a surprise. I like surprises but this is killing me,” she crossed her eyes and smiled.

I heard someone say hello to her and she smiled, “Hello
, Aunt Pam.” She hugged her and I saw blonde hair and then I heard the voice, rabid dog Pam.

I felt my face burning and then Bella scooted under the table, “There are lots of people here.”

“I’m glad I could sort of be there too,” I forced a giant smile on my face.

Cyrus peeked
under the table, “Little Bell you have friends here, what are ya hiding from?”

“I snuck Carly in, but don’t tell Daddy.”

Cyrus grabbed the phone, “Well hello, Carly.”

“Hey Bella, have a great time Happy Birthday.”

“Get out there birthday girl,” Cyrus smiled at Bella and then looked at the phone, “I thought Jase said no to this.”

“He did --
oh, now I get it.”

“No you don’t, he has a lot of shit going on
, Carly. It’s not about you. You should have left it alone,” Cyrus gave me a dirty look.

“Go fuck yourself, she called me. Have a nice day
, asshole.”

“Feeling pretty badass huh? You
’re going to ruin his…”

“I don’t want him to know. I want that little girl to have the best
birthday ever,” my voice broke. “Goodbye.”

I hung up the phone and looked over at my Mom, “Bella is beautiful.”

“Yeah, I know,” Mom hugged me and I cried, “What the hell was I thinking?”

“You love him. Our hearts
want what they want Carly. You just need to step back, take a break, and wait very patiently for your head to catch up to your heart.”

“Mom I spent way t
oo much money for Bella’s birthday,” she started to interrupt and I put my hand up stopping her. “I realize I know better and I’m disappointed in myself. I’m so confused and unfocused. Thank God it’s not an election year, next thing you know I’m going to wake up a fucking Republican!” Mom laughed out loud and so did I, “Whatever happens I don’t want Brad to know.”

“Okay, I think that’s a good idea, especially if you
think you may give him a shot someday. He deserves a clear headed Carly.”

~

I woke up on my bed hearing my phone vibrate, “Hello.”

“Hey Baby
, you sleeping already?”

“Yeah.”

“We should talk,” Jase’s voice was not tense, he seemed fine.

“How is the party going?”

“Well six little girls are asleep on my living room floor wearing the most adorable matching pajamas and sleep masks. Thanks for that, and everything else you did for Bella today.”

“It wasn’t a big deal, it was fun picking everything out,” I was starting to wake up and my ears had built up
a resistance to the seductive sound of Jase’s voice, I swear he was like the Pied Piper of pootie

“It was great. I really appreciated it, so did she, but you know this already
, huh?”

“Yes,” it came out as a whisper.

“Baby...”

“Jase, I’
m really tired and think I have a fever, I don’t want to talk about it right now okay?”

“
Bella would like to say goodnight, is that alright?”

“Yeah.”

Jase turned it to face time and his jaw dropped, “Baby you should probably put a shirt on.”

I looked down and realized I was still wrapped in a towel, well part of me was wrapped. I jumped up and flew out of bed and grabbed a tee shirt.

“One week is too long to see you again. As unintentional as that was I need to remind myself every day how fucking beautiful you are.”

“Yeah I’m a prize,” I rolled my eyes.

“Your perfect,” Jase smiled and it was a sad smile, “Hey Little Bell, Carly is here.”

“
Thank you for the pajama’s and sleepy masks, everyone loved them,” Bella yawned. “And the music, and disco ball, and the books. I love you, Carly.”

“Oh Bella, you deserve even more,” I swallowed hard, “I love you
, too.”

Jas
e closed his eyes tight and opened them and he smiled when Bella looked back at him, “I’m tired Daddy.”

“Okay hop down,” Jase
would normally have ended the call and called me back, but he didn’t.

I watched as he tucked her into a sleeping bag next to one of her little friends, as he kissed her little cheek goodnight, and as he told her
he loved her.

He walked q
uickly out of the room and then looked at me as if he was thinking of what to say.

“I shouldn’t have said it back but I couldn’t help it,” I started to cry and he didn’t say anything for a long time.

“Did you say it because she did?” there was a hidden question in that statement.

“No Jase, I do lo
ve her. How could you not, she’s…”

“I know what she is, I know exactly what she is
, Carly,” he was agitated.

“You are mad at me?” I wiped my face.

“I have no fucking clue…”

“Jase you have six little girls…”

“I don’t need fucking parenting advice from you,” he hissed at me.

“What is that
supposed to mean?”

“I had two parents Carly, who loved me. They loved
each other, and would never have chosen another over their family. I’m very capable…” Jase looked at the screen and stopped talking.

“As I said before, I don’t feel well, goo
dnight Jase,” I hung up the phone and cried.

My phone chimed

-Baby I’m sorry, going to sleep, falling apart…J

I did not have it in me to text back, so I didn’t. Instead I fell asleep…already shattered.

My phone woke me at five in the morning, it was a face-time request. I knew it was Little Bell.

“Good morning,” I croaked wiping my sleepy eyes.

“Do you feel better?”

“No
t yet, it’ll probably be a few days,” I did my best to smile.

“Okay
-- Daddy doesn’t know I’m calling, but we all wanted to say thank you,” she held the phone out so I could see everyone. They were all wearing their pajamas and had their sleep masks on their head, one little girl had hers on, it made me laugh. “Okay one, two, three,” they all screamed when Jase opened the door to what must have been the pantry.

“Holy fu…Cow,” he jumped and held his hand to his chest, they all laughed and so did I. “What the—what are you all doing in here?” he started laughing.

“Nothing,” Bella must have hidden the phone behind her back because it went dark but I could still hear them talking.

“Truth? One of you is going to give me the TRUTH,” I heard them all scream and then the phone dropped on the floor.

Jase and Bella were laughing when he noticed the phone, “Bella, did you,” he picked up the phone and saw me, I smiled and waved.

“Good morning Baby, Bella do you know
it’s five o’clock in the morning where Carly is,” he scolded her.

“No, you s
hould have told me that Daddy, maybe I wouldn’t have called if you didn’t say
because I said so
,” she was mocking him and it made me laugh bringing his attention back to the phone. “Alright you-- to the table, breakfast is on it, go. Hey Carly,” I gave him the biggest smile I could and let me tell you I am sure it wasn’t warm and fuzzy, “About Pam…”

“I don’t want to talk about it,
” I rolled my eyes when I felt them burning. “This is so stupid.”

“Pam w
as Charlee’s best friend, she’s been in Bella’s life since her birth, she was there when Charlee died. I won’t take her away from Bella,” Jase waited for me to respond when I didn’t he continued, “Their mothers are best friends, Carly. I was going to talk with you about this in Denver.”

“And then what J
ase?” I wiped the tears from my face, “Forget it, go be a good Daddy, I’m going back to sleep.”

“What the hell is that suppose
d to mean?”

“Nothing rude Jase, it’s her birthday,” I needed to get the hell off the phone, I was confused and angry
, that I was confused and angry.

“Just remember you told her you loved her, don’t fuck her up Carly,” Jase ended the call.

How do you rebound from something like that? Freak out and say
she said it first
? She was six, of course she did, but what was I supposed to do, not say it back? That would be rude and would hurt her feelings. Was I supposed to be mad at Jase for defending her? No way in hell would I ever be upset about that. What the hell did I just do?

I sat and cried, because now I’
m
that girl
. Some stupid girl who feels like the world just stopped spinning

~

It was two days before I heard from Jase, what I got was a text.

-Bella is under the impression you are sick. You and I need to discuss a few things before Denver,
if that is even something you’re still interested in. Let me know where your head is…Jase

- How is she?...C

-Fine, she’ll be fine…Jase

-Well, this is really awkward, texting you instead of talking. Is there a reason for it
?…C

-Easier…Jase

-Where is your head Jase?…C

- If you
can’t trust me, what is there Carly. You have school for another year and a half. I have a child, a job, a lot of responsibility…Jase

-How can I trust you if you don’t tell me things? You knew all of this before you saw me in Jersey
, Jase. I’m sorry I’m confused, angry, tired, hurt, and scared that every time I turn around, something new pops up. Every time I think we can work, something happens and every time you know I’m upset, you push me so hard it literally knocks the wind out of me…C

-A bit theatrical don’t you think?...Jase

-I don’t know Jase, this is all new to me, remember? But you’re pushing buttons again and I don’t know how to respond. Sometimes I see everything so clearly with you and my heart tells me that you’re everything I never knew I wanted, and then there are times when I see you as a tormentor, and I remember how Pam acted last summer and I get it. I get SO angry at you. You need to understand that if that’s what you need, if that’s what you thrive on, that’s not who I was and not who I want to be…C

He didn’
t reply. It was two days before I was supposed to meet him and he couldn’t even respond.

The entire next day
I heard nothing from Jase Steel. I cried again. I had used all my stupid self-allotted time to heal from the pain of the second time I had lost him, so this time I cried for Bella.