Jacob Two-Two and the Dinosaur (6 page)

The most fun of all was camping together at night under the stars. Jacob Two-Two would set up his tent, gather wood for a fire, and prepare his dinner. Sometimes he would fry a freshly caught fish. Other times he would shop for his food in a neighboring village and then toast hot dogs and marshmallows over the fire until his stomach ached.

Late at night, however, Jacob Two-Two sometimes felt lonely and blue. Happily, it turned out that good old Dippy could sing as fine a baritone as any member of the glee club. Dippy’s favorite song, and Jacob Two-Two’s, too, was “A Bicycle Built for Two.”

As darkness fell, Dippy would wind his huge bulk around the tent to protect it from the wind as well as to keep it warm. Then he would curl his long neck so that he could set his head down alongside the fire. Together they would harmonize, belting out:

Dippy’s voice in full flow was very, very loud. When he hit and held a high note, he shattered farm windows three miles away from their camp.

Jacob Two-Two didn’t want to complain, but Dippy, in some respects, was an awkward traveling companion. If he was happy and wagged his tail, he could knock down a stand of trees quicker than a team of lumberjacks. If he sneezed, telephone poles would be blown over one mile out of camp. Once, when they had settled down less than a mile outside of Saskatoon, Dippy farted. “Pardon me,” he said. But the fact is, he created such a thundering in town that storm warnings went up.

There was an even bigger problem: satisfying Dippy’s ten-ton appetite.

For the first few weeks Dippy was content to eat once a day, after dark, chewing his way through a two-acre potato field or an acre of sweet corn. When they moved farther west he would munch through a field of wheat or barley faster than any harvesting machine
yet devised by man. He also acquired a taste for apple trees, branches and all, fields of unripe pumpkins, and above all, acres of onions.

As for Jacob Two-Two, he could always slip into a village and buy fresh supplies for himself in a store, but once he found out about the wanted posters, he realized that he had to be careful. Very careful. Jacob Two-Two first saw the posters pinned to a wall in a convenience store that also served as a post office. When nobody was looking, he pulled the posters free and then took them back to camp to show Dippy.

“What are we going to do now?” Jacob Two-Two asked, frightened.

“Don’t ask a prehistoric dunce like me,” Dippy said. “You’re the brains of this outfit.”

Poor outfit, Jacob Two-Two thought.

The truth is, Canada’s
MOST DANGEROUS DESPERADO AND VICIOUS, VILE DRAGON AT LARGE
were being hotly pursued.

At least once a day a locator airplane wheeled and dipped overhead or a helicopter swooped low over the fields. As soon as they heard an engine in the sky,
however, Dippy would lie down, hide Jacob Two-Two under his curling neck, and look for all the world like a huge boulder covered in green moss – or so the most wanted boy and beast in Canada hoped.

CHAPTER 12

eanwhile, there was trouble in the Dragon-Slayer’s camp.

“You promised me I was going to be a hero,” Perry Pleaser whined.

“Don’t worry. They’ll be putting up statues in your honor once we catch them,” Wacko said.

Yes, said the yes men, and yes, said the yes women, too.

“But what if they escape?” Perry Pleaser asked.

“They can’t escape. We’re hot on their trail. All we have to do is follow the ruined fields of potatoes and
wheat and onions and we’re bound to catch up with them. Maybe tomorrow.”

But the next morning there was another problem.

“I’ve been reading up on Saint George,” Perry Pleaser said. “If he had a sword, why can’t I have one?”

“Attacking as large a dragon as Dippy with a crummy old sword would be about as effective as pricking your finger with a pin,” Wacko replied.

Perry Pleaser leaped back from him. “Don’t you dare try it, you bully. I have very sensitive skin. And besides, I still think I deserve a sword. So there!”

“Look, Pleaser, Saint George would have given his right arm for the kind of dragon-slaying force you command. Tanks and helicopters and heat-seeking missiles and cannons and bombers. We’re going to blast that dippy
Diplodocus
to kingdom come!”

“What if we kill Jacob Two-Two in the attack?”

“Then we’ll give him a military funeral. All the trimmings. You’ll look just great weeping over him on TV.”

Yes, said the yes men, and yes, said the yes women, too.

“Couldn’t it make me … unpopular?”

“Think again, Pleaser. Do kids have a vote?”

“No, but their parents do. Why, I have two kids myself.”

“Yeah, and what good are they? Tell me, Pleaser, if you come home from an exhausting trip, what is the first thing they ask you?”

“Did I bring them a present.”

“And if you bundle them into all their winter clothing and boots and scarves, because they just
have
to play in the snow, what happens five minutes later?”

“They want to come in for a pee.”

“Let’s face it, Pleaser, kids aren’t like you or me. They’re childish. Why, you put two of them in a room and before you know it they’re biting and pinching and scratching each other.”

“Weren’t you ever a child, Wacko?”

“Yes, but things were different then. I was perfect.” “So was I.”

“But I was more perfect than you were,” Wacko said, kicking Perry Pleaser in the shin.

“No, you weren’t,” Pleaser said, kicking him back harder.

“Oh, yes I was too,” Wacko said, pinching him.

“Oh, no you weren’t,” Pleaser insisted, spitting at him.

In an instant they were rolling over and over in the dirt, pinching and scratching and biting. Two generals had to separate them.

“Who started this?” one of the generals asked.

“He did,” Perry Pleaser whined between sobs.

“Liar! You did!”

“Sez who, shorty?”

“Sez me, mutton-head!”

“This has got to stop,” the general pleaded. “You are setting a bad example for the troops. Save your fire for the dragon, gentlemen.”

“Yes,” Wacko said. “And that dreadful Jacob Two-Two, too. Because this is war and he will just have to take his chances.”

CHAPTER 13

our weeks into their hike to the Rocky Mountains of B.C. there was suddenly no more joy for Jacob Two-Two in eating enough toasted hot dogs and marshmallows to make him feel sick to his stomach. What he really longed for now was his mother’s marvelous chili, her incomparable roast chicken, and, he had to admit, her hugs, her kisses, and the stories she read to him before he went to sleep. He also missed horsing around with his father and even the teasing of his two stinky older brothers and two stinky older sisters. His longing led him to take a big risk. He slipped into a small town,
found an all-night pizza parlor, and ordered a king-size L’Abbondanza made with tomato sauce, garlic sausage, green peppers, olives, and cheese. Then he took it back to camp to eat. It was too much. He couldn’t finish it. So he offered the other half to Dippy, who gobbled it up, smacking his lips. “Hey,” he said, “this is terrific stuff! How about fetching me some?”

In spite of the danger, Jacob Two-Two returned to the all-night pizza parlor. “Do you deliver?” he asked.

“Sure, kid, what do you want?”

“Fifty king-size L’Abbondanzas.”

“Holy cow! That will come to three hundred and fifty dollars. You’ll have to pay cash.”

Jacob Two-Two counted out the money and an hour later was out on the road with the delivery man. “Just another mile down the highway,” Jacob Two-Two said. “You see that big green boulder? We stop right there.”

“Funny,” the delivery man said, pulling up, “I’ve come this way maybe a thousand times, but I’ve never seen that green boulder before.”

“It’s always been here,” Jacob Two-Two said, alarmed. “It’s always been here.”

The delivery man unloaded the pizzas. He glanced at the green boulder again and suddenly his hair was standing on end. “My God!” he shouted. “It’s moving! That boulder has red eyes! Out of my way, kid!” And he leaped into his truck, made a quick U-turn, and sped away.

“Dippy,” Jacob Two-Two said, “you were supposed to sit absolutely still, with your head tucked in.”

“I know, I know, but the smell was driving me bananas. I thought he’d never get those pizza pies unloaded.”

“Let’s get out of here,” Jacob Two-Two said.

So they galloped back to camp before Dippy sat down to his feast. “Oh boy, oh boy,” he said. “Yum, yum.”

One minute there were fifty pizzas on tin-foil plates stacked in rows of ten and the next minute – gobble, gobble, gulp, gulp – there were none. “Say,” Dippy said, smacking his lips, “that was great for starters. Now what’s for the main course?”