Jacob Two-Two and the Dinosaur (5 page)

They pelted him with tomatoes in beautiful downtown Edmonton. They hissed him in Toronto. They heckled him in Montreal, where a man stood up and shouted, “If you’re so clever, Perry Pleaser, tell us how long was the Seven Years War?”

“I do not respond to trick questions.”

The people hooted. They howled. Perry Pleaser retreated to Ottawa and summoned Professor Wacko Kilowatt to his office. “Wacko, what am I paying you for? Tell me how to restore my popularity.”

“By doing something heroic,” Wacko said. “Like what?”

“What made Saint George such a hero?”

“He slayed a dragon.”

“Right.”

“But there aren’t any more dragons.”

“I just happen to know where one can be found.”

“And you want
me
to slay it?
Wacko
,
what if I got hurt
?”

“There will be no risk to your person.”

“In that case,” Perry Pleaser said, leaping onto his desktop, “lead me to him. I’ll pulverize him! Wait! Are you sure I can’t get hurt, Wacko?”

“Absolutely.”

“And am I really going to be a hero, Wacko?”

“Yes.”

“Then let’s not waste another minute. To arms, to arms! Lead me to that dragon!”

CHAPTER 9

acob Two-Two once asked his father why he belonged to a glee club. “Well,” his father said, “if I’m out of town, in a hotel, and you’re not there, nor Mummy nor Daniel nor Noah nor Emma nor Marfa, it helps me to sing. You ought to try it, too, Jacob Two-Two, if ever you’re feeling lonely and blue.”

The glee club that Jacob Two-Two’s father belonged to met once a month to gather around a piano and drink beer and sing the good old stuff: “My Darling Clementine;” “Down by the Old Mill Stream;” “A Bicycle Built for Two;” “Home on the Range.” Songs like that. Once every summer they also got
together at the cottage by the lake for the Annual Glee Club Big-Time Poker Game. This time out Jacob Two-Two’s father won everybody else’s money. In fact, he won $742 and went to bed very happy.

When Jacob Two-Two’s father awoke the next morning, however, the money was gone. That wasn’t very serious. But Jacob Two-Two was also gone. And that was very, very serious indeed.

Jacob Two-Two left a note. It read:

“Oh, my God,” Jacob Two-Two’s mother said. “What will we do?”

Marfa had already begun to cry. So had Emma. Daniel and Noah turned pale. And even as the family
stood there, grieving, the cottage filled with an incredible noise. It shook and shuddered. Something was happening outside. Everyone ran out to look.

“
Freeze
,
everybody
!” a voice called through a loudspeaker.

“
Hands up
!
We suffer from itchy trigger fingers
.
Har
,
har
,
har!
”

A helicopter was whirring overhead. A minisubmarine surfaced on the lake, its missile launcher pointed right at the cottage. There were tanks everywhere. The cottage was surrounded by soldiers carrying sub machine guns. “Is it safe now?” a trembly little voice asked.

“Yes, Mr. Prime Minister, it’s quite safe.”

So Perry Pleaser squirted forward. “In the name of the people of Canada, I demand that you surrender your dragon to me at once.”

“It’s not a dragon,” Jacob Two-Two’s mother said. “It’s a
Diplodocus
,” Jacob Two-Two’s father said. “His name is Dippy,” Marfa said.

“And he’s not here,” Emma said. “He ran away with Jacob Two-Two.”

The family was held prisoner and then a search was made to establish what Jacob Two-Two had taken
with him. The following items were discovered to be missing:

The army intelligence group pondered the list, scratching their heads. Finally one of them said, “Looks like the little fella was planning to set out on a trip.”

“Good thinking, Bailey, but where to?”

The intelligence officers studied the list again. “Possibly, just possibly, somewhere in Canada,” Bailey said.

“What makes you think that?”

“Well,” he said, “after you’ve been in intelligence for twenty years, you get to trust your hunches.”

Now the feared Bulldog Burke, chief of army intelligence, was brought in to question Jacob Two-Two’s father. “We’re going to start him right in on the infamous Smoked Meat Torture. Known as the Salt Beef Buster in England and the Pastrami Punch in the United States.”

The other officers turned pale, filled with pity. But it was too late. The squad car that had been dispatched earlier to one of Montreal’s finest delicatessens had already returned with the cruel instruments of torture.

It was, by this time, long past the lunch hour for poor Jacob Two-Two’s father. His stomach was rumbling as he was tied into a chair and set down before the kitchen table, where he was joined by Bulldog Burke and his staff. The goodies were brought in, all of them placed just out of reach of Jacob Two-Two’s father. A steaming platter of juicy, tender smoked meat, its wonderful aroma maddening to men, women, and children everywhere. Heaps of crisp French fried potatoes. Pickles. Hot dogs. Rye bread.
Everybody dug in, except for Jacob Two-Two’s father.

“Isn’t it delish?”

“The best I’ve ever eaten!”

“Have as much as you want. Stuff yourselves, men.”

Bulldog Burke watched as beads of sweat broke out on the forehead of Jacob Two-Two’s father. “Ready to answer our questions now?” he asked, shoving the fragrant platter closer.

“I was ready to answer your questions long ago. After all, Jacob is our son. We all want to find him.”

“A likely story. Read him the facts as we know them, Bailey.”

“According to our information, you smuggled this deadly dragon into the country out of Kenya. But we are assured by our esteemed colleague, Professor Kilowatt, that he stands two stories high and weighs ten tons. How did you sneak him into the country, man? Come clean.”

“I brought Dippy into this country in a cigar box.”

“In a cigar box?”

“Yes.”

“Take us for fools, do you?”

“I’m telling you the truth.”

Turning to the other officers, Bulldog Burke said,
“Tell the prime minister this is one tough nut we’re stuck with here. But, by George, we’ll break him yet, or my name isn’t Bulldog Burke. Now, who would like another helping of juicy, tender smoked meat?”

CHAPTER 10

win posters were banged onto post office walls all across the country. One, featuring a picture of Jacob Two-Two, read:

Then, at the bottom of the poster, in print so small that you needed a magnifying glass to read it:

It was signed:

The other poster, featuring a most unflattering drawing of Dippy, read:

Distinguishing characteristics:

He’s left-handed and there is a crescent-shaped mole under his right armpit. If in doubt, take his blood pressure. It should read normal.

CHAPTER 11

anada’s
MOST DANGEROUS DESPERADO AND VICIOUS, VILE DRAGON AT LARGE
had an absolutely wonderful time their first two weeks on the road. Galloping west, they kept to the wilderness, where they saw deer and moose and bears and beavers and hawks. They passed winding rivers and clear lakes and rushing mountain streams and waterfalls. Jacob Two-Two fished for trout and bass and sometimes for the fearsome northern pickerel. Nobody asked him to wash his hands before dinner or told him what time to go to bed or said that it wasn’t good for him to eat a chocolate bar for breakfast. He never had to say things
twice, because Dippy listened carefully to everything he said the first time.