It's a Guy Thing (5 page)

The feminine qualities include the ability to give love, nurturing and bring radiance to life, which attracts people into their bodies and their hearts. The more a woman does this, the more attractive she is to her man. Men are always attracted to radiant women. Radiance does not depend on specific physical features. Radiance is the beauty which shines from a woman’s happiness. It is the shine of her love.

Through nonjudgmental observation, we can discover how we limit our masculine strength of vision and our feminine strength of radiance. By venturing beyond our fears, doubts and uncertainties, men and women continue to grow sexually, emotionally and spiritually.

What Do Soap Operas and Sex Movies Have in Common?

Soap operas and romance novels are women’s pornography. Women disconnect from love when they lose themselves in the drama of emotions, just as men disconnect from love when they lose themselves in genital stimulation.

Many men complain about how difficult it is to communicate with a woman lost in her emotions. Many women
complain that their man is too mechanical during sex. Neither soap operas nor sex movies are about love; they are about emotional dramatization and genital stimulation.

Men complain that women don’t communicate very clearly. A man asks his partner, “What are you feeling?” and she can’t answer in three words or less. Men constantly complain that women can’t focus clearly because they are so emotionally dramatic.

Men want their women to be more like men; men mean what they say; their word is final. When a man shakes hands on something that’s that. It doesn’t matter if his emotions change. He carries through with the agreement—or knows that he has failed.

Men become frustrated when a woman is too emotional to communicate her intentions clearly, or when she changes her mind: “This is impossible! I want a woman I can communicate with! She drives me crazy! Why do they always say they will do one thing, then do something else!” He gets very frustrated. Meanwhile, she withdraws more and eventually closes down.

A woman wants to feel a connection with her partner. She wants him to understand and validate her emotions. She wants to be felt. She wants to be loved. She wants him to be sensitive to her feelings rather than be so rigid about what she said she would do.

Both men and women demand the other be more like themselves. The message is, “Unless you are more like me, I can’t love you. Unless you stick to your word (or are sensitive to my feelings), I get angry (or hurt).”

A man tends to be in his mind and focused. A woman tends to be in her emotions. In order to give love to one another they must meet in the common ground of the heart: love.

Perhaps it would be good for men to become as emotionally expressive as women. Perhaps it would be good for women to say what they mean and not change their minds. This would make relationships easier, but it’s unlikely to happen very soon. In the meantime, men and women could practice giving and receiving love without trying to make their partner more like themselves.

Why Does He Say I’m Too Emotional When He Seems So Rigid?

This question points to a very common source of conflict in relationships.

For example, you might make a beautiful meal for your man. You sit down to eat together and he seems very grateful. He feels loved by you. Then, out of the corner of his eye he sees a magazine. He picks it up, starts reading, and suddenly he’s totally focused on reading. You’ll be hurt by this if you interpret his actions in terms that don’t apply to men.

Instead, you must realize that he is probably not consciously turning away from you. He has become absorbed in a mode which is a liability of the masculine. He can’t help it. Your gift to him is to invite him out of his mode back into relationship with you, back into love.

Men who don’t get invited out of their focus become fascist, rigid and one-dimensional. Men who aren’t gifted with femininity become obsessively driven toward a goal. World destructive politics are based on this masculine dissociation.

On the other hand, when the feminine is not balanced by the masculine, it becomes addictive. Without masculine
self-discipline and direction, you become addicted to chocolate, coffee, relationships, all kinds of things. If you don’t have the masculine edge brought into your life, there is a tendency to flow along, losing yourself in whatever you are involved with. Excessive masculine energy leads to abuse of others and the world; excessive feminine energy leads to self abuse.

To men, I often suggest that they learn to enjoy a woman’s emotional fullness and embrace her in love regardless of her mood. The men say, “Embrace her emotions? She seems crazy!”

To women, I often suggest they treat their man as a weary warrior. I suggest that women learn to enjoy their man’s focus and direction because that’s how men are. But invite them out. Attract them into love. Fill their weary hearts with your energy. Your loving energy will loosen his rigid stance. His embrace will penetrate your emotions with love.

Why Can’t He Love Me When His Career Isn’t Going Well?

It is usually easier for a woman to love her man when her job isn’t going well than it is for a man to love his woman when his job isn’t working out. When your man is fully loving you, you can share love with him even though your career isn’t going well. You are capable of sharing love with your partner even while you work out the problems in your career because love is your priority.

But your man may not be fully capable of sharing love while his career isn’t going well since his quest for direction and freedom is most likely his priority. A woman might say
to her man, “Why can’t you love me? I love you. Can’t you be with me even though your project isn’t going well?” But he can’t be with her fully until he has aligned his life with his vision and begins to take care of business.

For the feminine, love is the priority. Since the feminine has the ability to shift energy, it is possible for you to love and still take care of other projects.

Within each man and woman, the masculine energy puts work before intimacy, whereas the feminine energy puts intimacy before work. Which part of yourself you choose to follow is up to you. Neither is wrong, and both masculine and feminine are worthy of respect, in both you and your partner.

Why Does He Like to Go Places Without Me?

Traditionally, most women have found their unique way of life in community, sharing with other women. The feminine connects with the flow of life. So, if the culture is healthy, women are naturally connected with who they are. They intuitively feel their place in the whole of the living world.

The masculine, however, disconnects from life to find its purpose. The masculine always tries to figure out a way to integrate into life. Men must find their purpose and bring it back home. It’s not something they find in the natural flow of life, or in their intimate relationships.

Most women, in a healthy culture, are already in the flow of love, already connected with what they love doing. Of course, very few cultures are healthy now, so most women, like most men, have lost connection with their essence. Women traditionally have opened to the earth, to all of
nature, to the birth of new life, and to life with others, in order to rediscover their essence.

Most women find their purpose
inside
of life and intimate relationship. Most men find their purpose
outside
of life and intimate relationship. For instance, American Indian men might dance in the sun for days, or go on a vision quest without food or water, to reconnect with their purpose. This isn’t exactly everyday life.

Most men go outside of life to experience their purpose. They leave their relationships behind, temporarily. Their struggle is to bring their discovered vision back into their life, and back into their intimate relationship. Women find their essential purpose in life, as a lover of life. Their idea of filling their body and heart with love rarely involves going out into no-man’s land, hoping to receive a vision before dying of exposure.

Men find their essence by way of the quest. For women, it is a matter of magnifying love in a relationship. The archetype for men is the search for the Holy Grail, risking their lives, surviving, discovering and returning. The archetype for women is falling in love, discovering the ways of love and giving love. Women struggle to love, overcoming their doubt of love and their resistance to love. For men it is a struggle of, “Why the hell exist? I have to find out.”

We each have masculine and feminine energy within ourselves. So each of us, man and woman alike, must find our ultimate purpose and overcome our doubt of love.

3
The Snap, Crackle and Pop of Sex

What Is Sexual Polarity?

How do we maintain love and passion in our intimate relationships for more than a few months? How do we regenerate love and desire for one another year after year?

Relationships are great at the beginning. Almost all new relationships are incredibly exciting and passionate. But over time something seems to happen. Things change.

There is a secret to maintaining the passion in emotional, sexual relationships. In moments of attraction and passion, there is an active principle called “sexual polarity.” One individual plays the strong masculine pole and one individual plays the strong feminine pole. This creates sexual polarity—an almost irresistible attraction between two people.

The principle of polarity is true in all emotional and sexual relationships, homosexual as well as heterosexual. In fact, we find polarity in all of nature. The masculine and feminine energies are like positive and negative electrical or magnetic qualities. If you have two magnets and put their north and south poles together, they attract each other. Opposite poles attract. But when you flip one magnet around and try to push the two north poles together, they repel. Like poles repel. This same principle of polarity also applies to intimate relationships.