It Must Have Been Love (7 page)

The doctor suggested giving it more time to happen naturally. He suggested checking out IVF, so we picked up some leaflets on it.

The doctor also said that we should relax about the whole thing, because that might be part of the problem. Easy for him to say relax; he’s not the one who’s been trying forever to have a baby. Now he’s got me wondering if it’s my fault I’m not getting pregnant, because sometimes I do get pretty worked up about it all.

We got back home to find a message from Mom on the answering machine. Jeffrey and Melissa are expecting baby number four. You’d think after the twins they would have had enough; I hope they know how lucky they are. I try so hard not to be jealous of them, but I can’t help it. Just one baby would make our life complete.

Chris says we should take a break and spend some time alone together. He’s taking me away over Easter so that we can relax! He’s so wonderful; I don’t know what I would do without him.

May

We have given it a lot of thought and we have decided to take time out for ourselves. When we went away for Easter we realized that our lives have totally revolved around me getting pregnant. It was so great to get away and relax.

While we relaxed, we talked about our options if I can’t get pregnant naturally. Apart from the IVF, we talked about surrogacy. Although we think that it’s up to a couple to make their own decision on surrogacy, for us it’s not what we want. For now, it’s just conceiving naturally or IVF, although we may change our minds later.

We’re still going to go through with the IVF treatment, but not just yet. I found a book written by a woman who’d been through IVF. She said that it’s so stressful and if you’re not prepared for that it could wreck your relationship. Chris and I agreed that our relationship is strong, but we’re going to have some fun together before and get mentally prepared for the IVF. We’ll know when the time is right.

In the meantime we won’t stop trying to conceive naturally, we’ll just get on with life at the same time.

2000

January

We went to our appointment at the fertility clinic today to discuss IVF. We are going to have three attempts at it, but they say that the success rate fails with each attempt. So let’s hope it will be first time lucky. They warned us about the dangers and the possible side effects, but we both agree that we should go ahead.

June

Next week is the beginning of our first IVF cycle of treatment. We are very excited and very nervous too. Fingers crossed.

August

The first attempt at IVF failed. There’s not much point going in to the details, as they can’t say for sure why it failed, it just did. We are now waiting for an appointment to discuss next step, but the leaflet recommended leaving it two or three months before trying again. Chris says give it a bit of time, and then if I decide to go through it all again he’s with me all the way.

2001

February

Valentine’s day, Chris bought me a bunch of red roses. We’ve decided to give IVF another go. We are just waiting for the appointment then it’s all systems go.

Mom phoned. Raymond and Sophie are on to baby number two. Mom says they are desperate for a girl. Chris and I wouldn’t care, boy or girl we’d be over the moon.

May

Second attempt IVF starts in two weeks’ time. Please, please let it work.

July

Second IVF failed. We were devastated. Chris wants to call it quits with any more treatments. We’ve decided to forget about it for the rest of this year, as it’s taken so much more out of us this time around.

The treatment itself is quite painful, but that’s nothing compared to the mental pain, which is much worse.

Maybe we should just accept that we are not meant to have a baby, but it’s so hard to do. We are good people and we’ve got a ton of love to share with a little one.

Someone even said to me the other day that we should just buy a puppy instead. I know they meant well, but buying a puppy is not the same as having a child.

This may be the last entry in this journal, depending on what we decide in the New Year.

2003

January

Well, it’s been a year and a half since our last IVF treatment, and it’s given us plenty of time to think.

We’ve been married eleven years this year, and we’ve been trying to have a baby for nine of those years.

We have both decided that we should have one last try with the IVF. If all goes well we should start the IVF cycle in April.

April

We are now beginning our third and final IVF cycle. Last chance to get it right.

June

TREATMENT FAILED. HEARTBROKEN.

August

We saw the doctor today and he told me that it was probably time to call it a day. The last blood tests showed that I’m almost certainly going to experience a premature menopause. I cried all of the way home, and then some. Chris didn’t say much at all.

Devastated. So that’s it, it’s all over.

Now that Angie had finished reading the journal she felt mentally exhausted. She had just relived those years as vividly as if she had actually been there once again. She remembered the pain every month when she knew for sure that she wasn’t pregnant. She remembered every appointment, test, and procedure. She remembered the heartache every time she heard about someone else getting pregnant. She even remembered writing the entry in June 2003, and how she’d only managed to write three words through the tears. Most of all, she remembered their final appointment at the hospital, and the heartbreak when they knew for sure that their dream was finally over.

Perhaps those years had paid a major contribution in the decline of their relationship. After all, at times their lives were forced to revolve around hospital appointments, and the act of expressing their love for each other soon became a mechanical necessity to achieve the ultimate goal. Spontaneity was a thing of the past, surpassed by fertility calendars, fertility drugs, and fertility clinic appointments. No wonder they’d drifted apart.

When they’d decided to start a family Angie had given up her job. It seemed the most sensible thing to do. They both wanted her to be a stay at home mother and they wanted to make their adjustments before the baby arrived. There would be no point in waiting for Angie to get pregnant and then have all of the stress involved in changing her career. Far better do it in plenty of time, so that when she did get pregnant she could work at her own pace and relax when she needed to.

Instead of going out to work, Angie became a regular writer for several women’s magazines. It was great because the hours were flexible, and when they had a family, she could fit her work around the baby. It seemed the perfect solution for everyone, only the baby didn’t come. Angie became more isolated and she soon lost touch with the outside world, except for the visits to the doctors and the hospital. Everyone else was doing their own thing and getting on with their lives, while she was permanently stuck in limbo.

Once their dream of having a family was officially over, Chris and Angie had tried to make the best of it. They frequently tried new things, traveled to new places, and told themselves how they couldn’t have done those things with small children in tow. They talked of saving hard until one day they could visit the pyramids of Egypt or sail down the Venetian canals in a gondola. After a year or so, Chris and Angie talked of getting a pet. They both loved animals, especially dogs. There were endless discussions on the pros and cons of getting a dog. They talked about a dog from a rescue shelter, which would welcome a kind loving home. They agreed that they’d wait until they moved somewhere better suited, somewhere more animal friendly. They talked and they talked and they talked, but even after they moved to the perfect ground floor apartment, neither seemed ready to commit.

The couple that was once so deeply in love was becoming more like strangers. Their passionate relationship had developed into a baby-making regime, and now it was virtually nonexistent. They never held hands any more, rarely embraced, and almost never passionately kissed. The spark of electricity that used to run through her body when Chris touched her was gone. Infertility had left Angie feeling cheated and bitter beyond recognition. On the surface she appeared hardened, but beneath the surface she was breaking down. She put on a brave face but she felt imperfect, and she secretly feared Chris might leave her for someone who could give him children.

Chris began to work even longer hours than before, and when he did get home he was so tired he just fell asleep on the sofa. Bit by bit their relationship began to erode until they rarely had a kind word for each other. They managed to put up a front for as long as they could, but they weren’t fooling anyone, least of all themselves. They both agreed that Chris should move out, and that they should try marriage counseling. Maybe an impartial third party could help them get back on track, maybe not, but it was worth a try.

Although Angie was pretty down to earth and not known for being superstitious, she was now convinced that some things just might happen for a reason. This no nonsense kind of woman found it all just too much to be coincidence. Chris’ accident, his memory loss, the songs, the photographs of their wedding and of Chris’ grandmother, and finally the journal, it couldn’t all just be happenstance. She was now sure that it was her job to put things right.

With the journal safely back inside the pretty memento box, Angie caught her reflection in the wardrobe mirror. Her eyes were red, her skin was blotchy, and her lips were bone dry. “You look a mess,” Angie scolded her reflection, and deciding that a warm shower would liven her up again, she hightailed it to the bathroom. The warm soapy citrus scented shower gel invigorated her, while the sumptuous bubbling rich creamy conditioning lather gently smoothed her skin. Fully refreshed, Angie stepped from the shower quickly wrapping a large fluffy towel around herself before she cooled down. Leaving wet footprints across the bathroom floor, she hurried to the warmth of the bedroom radiator.

Now dressed, refreshed, and ready for action, Angie needed to replenish her internal fuel supply. First though, she wanted to check up on Chris and reached for the telephone next to the bed. The ‘busy’ tone was not what she wanted to hear when she called the hospital. Each time she pressed redial she was greeted by the same tone, until on the umpteenth attempt, she finally heard the ringing tone and her impatience melted right away. It had seemed to take forever and Angie was worried that Louise might not be available to speak to her. Thankfully, when Angie finally got through on the very busy hospital line, Nurse Louise was still on duty, and when she came to the phone she was her usual cheerful self.

“Hi, Angie, they’ve done a few more tests on Christopher and the tests have come back all clear, everything seems fine. That’s good news isn’t it?”

“I suppose that depends on whether he still doesn’t remember me. Anyway, I was thinking of coming back in to see him. Would that be OK?”

“Yes, you come right in. I’ll still be here for a good while yet. I’m sure when you get here he’ll remember you, and if he doesn’t, then I’m sure it won’t be long before he does. I’ll see you soon, Angie, bye.”

Angie wished that she had the same eternal optimism as Louise, and although niggling doubts continued to creep into her head, she had already made up her mind not to surrender. She would take everything one step at a time. Hoping that Chris would now remember their life together, Angie also accepted that if his memory failed to return she would find a way to rebuild their relationship regardless. The blue LED digits on the alarm clock told Angie that if she wanted to catch the next bus she wouldn’t have time for a meal. Grabbing a banana from the fruit bowl and a chocolate bar from the fridge, Angie figured that now she’d get a sugar fix and a nutritional fix combined. Squeezing the food into her oversized bag, Angie was soon ready to go. Just as she was about to leave the telephone rang, and the caller id showed that it was her mother. Angie decided to let the answering machine take the call. Angie hadn’t told her parents about the accident yet, and now just wasn’t the time. There was no point in worrying her parents, especially as her father wasn’t too well of late. Doreen and Bill had been devastated when they had discovered that Chris had moved out, and they made no secret of the fact that they hoped reconciliation was on the cards. There was little point in them knowing that not only had Chris been involved in a car accident, but he had also failed to recognize their daughter. With any luck in a few hours time, Chris would remember Angie and she would then persuade him to give things another try. Who knows, when she got around to returning her mother’s call, Angie might actually have some good news to deliver for a change. Of course the first step would be to actually make it to the hospital and speak to her husband, so not for the first time today, Angie made a mad dash to catch the bus. Just making it in time, she boarded the half empty bus and quickly made her way to towards the back. Running out of empty spaces and avoiding the seat behind the canoodling teenagers, Angie settled herself into the seat in front of the daydreaming pensioner.