It Must Have Been Love (6 page)

Angie hadn’t eaten since the two burnt slices of toast that were breakfast. Her stomach was rumbling with a combination of hunger and nervousness. Although she knew that she really should eat something, she just couldn’t face it. The lack of sustenance was giving her a heavy head, and a migraine lingered menacingly in the background. Angie decided to make herself a cup of tea, put her feet up for a while, and try to relax. Then she would call the hospital and try to have a word with Louise to get some advice on what to do next. Nurse Louise Brannagan had so far been a godsend to Angie. She had calmed and reassured Angie when she had become overwhelmed with the whole situation. Angie needed someone she could trust, and felt that Louise would tell her straight whether there was something to worry about or not.

Once in the bedroom, Angie rested the mug of tea on the bedside table. The clank of porcelain on the ceramic coaster made her jump. Plumping up the pillows into a high pile, she climbed onto the bed and clicked the switch on the small radio alarm clock to radio. The music blasted out and she quickly turned the volume dial down low. It was their favorite radio station, and usually they both liked to have their music loud, but right now Angie wasn’t in the mood for loud music. Her tense limbs and impending headache would not be eased by thundering beats, no matter how tuneful the melody. The smooth relaxing beat of the music was serving its purpose, soothing the stress away. After a while Angie could feel the tension ease throughout her body. A good half hour later the headache had passed and she could feel herself becoming drowsy. Just as her eyelids became so heavy that she had to fight to keep them open, the beat of a familiar song brought her instantly back to being wide-awake. It was the opening beat to ‘their song’. It was a song they had played at their wedding, and it was the song that always brought a tear to her eye. Soon the opening beats were followed by the words Angie knew by heart.

“Lay a whisper on my pillow,” the female sang. Within seconds, Angie was turning the volume up as far as it would go. She began to sing along just as she always did, only this time she didn’t have Chris to join in with the chorus. Memories of the 1990’s came flooding back. Chris had taken her to the movies to see the film that all her friends had been raving about. ‘Pretty Woman’ had everybody talking, especially about the fact that the central character was a call girl. The film may have been seen as somewhat controversial, but this tearjerker just had to be seen. Although Angie’s friends had convinced the couple to check out the movie, they didn’t give much away, and most certainly didn’t hint about how the film ended. Angie’s mother had asked them to check the movie out on her behalf. Doreen had raved about Richard Gere since she had drooled over him in ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’ eight years earlier. Doreen and Bill rarely went to the movies anymore. Bill preferred to ‘leave that sort of stuff to the young ones’, and more important, he liked the comfort of his own sofa. He promised Doreen that if the movie were any good, he would buy her the video when it came out and then she could watch it over and over again. So Doreen offered to pay for their movie tickets if Angie and Chris gave the movie the thumbs up.

When she saw Mr. Gere on the big screen, it wasn’t hard for Angie to see why her mother had found him so attractive. This charismatic character with the dreamy eyes and provocative smile was just the type of hero that many women would wish to come along and sweep them off their feet. In this movie he wasn’t just the hero, he was the extremely rich hero. However, Angie had her very own hero and he was the one holding her hand while they both sat glued to this captivating movie.

As the silver limousine took ‘Vivian’ back to where she came from, the song began.

“Lay a whisper on my pillow; leave the winter on the ground.” Vivian glanced out of the back window, as if in the faint hope that ‘Edward’ would come after her. Meanwhile, ‘Edward’ looked as though he was missing her already, and that he knew he’d made a huge mistake by letting her go. Angie resisted the strong urge to yell at the screen, ‘Go on Edward, go after her you idiot’. Chris squeezed Angie’s hand tightly and they both sniffed loudly, but neither of them took their eyes off the big screen. Angie’s body twitched as she struggled to hold the sob inside. Grateful that she had taken her friends’ advice and brought an extra large handkerchief, Angie pulled it from her pocket as discreetly as possible.

With the film drawing to an end, there was now a fierce battle going on to prevent Angie from blubbering like a baby. As ‘Edward’ rolled up to ‘Vivian’s’ apartment clutching a bunch of red roses, Angie’s battle was lost. Biting her lip in an attempt to keep the sniffling levels to a minimum she couldn’t contain it any longer. All of the emotions that had been building up inside Angie since the film began came spilling out in a tidal wave of tears. Rarely did she openly cry over a movie, but it was totally forgivable because this was the happy ending that Angie, Chris, and the rest of the cinema were seeking for ‘Vivian’.

To the sound of Roy Orbison, and with the final credits rolling, the film was over. The tears were now streaming down Angie’s face, and her handkerchief was soaking wet. As the lights went up Chris playfully teased her. “I guess this film should have come with a flood warning. Looks like you need a bucket to catch the tears, not a handkerchief.”

“Looks to me like your eyes are a little bit wet too,” Angie joked back.

“No way. It’s just going from darkness to light that did that. Those lights are so bright they’re making my eyes water, that’s all,” Chris fibbed as he rubbed his eyes, furiously attempting to destroy all evidence of tears.

“OK whatever you say. All I know is that was the best movie I’ve seen in ages, and I defy any woman or man not to shed a tear or two when they watch it.”

The two lovers giggled as they glanced around the cinema at the scores of white handkerchiefs wiping away rivers of tears from the females, while macho men sniffed loudly and followed Chris’ pattern of attempting to discreetly rub their eyes. No doubt they were blaming it on the bright lights too.

The small clock radio’s speaker vibrated, as the booming voice of the excitable male radio host began to ramble about the song that was coming next. The teeth-clenching sound brought Angie back to the here and now, where she found that her tear soaked satin top was now mottled shades of blue. The tears she had shed at that movie were a drop in the ocean compared with the tears she had shed today. The song she’d always associated with true love and a happy ending now held a totally different meaning. Angie had listened to the song a million times, but this time she’d really heard the lyrics. It was all about her and Chris, every word, every line. ‘Silence in the bedroom’; ‘must have been love but it’s over now’. It was them and their relationship. Once they had been so very much in love, now there was silence in the bedroom, and it was distinctly possible that their life together was over. It seemed like such a waste. A quick poke about in the bedside table produced nothing to wipe away the tears. After attempting and failing to use the sleeve of her blouse as a makeshift handkerchief, Angie knew that she needed something more fit for purpose. As she clambered off the bed, she spotted the decorative memento box on the tall chest of drawers. Angie felt compelled to fetch the box back to the bed and begin to delve into the treasure chest that formed her past, and that’s exactly what she did. The first thing that Angie spotted when she lifted the lid from the box was the red rose boutonniere that Chris had worn to their wedding. Twenty years hadn’t faded the color and it looked as vibrant as it did on their wedding day. Among the other sentimental souvenirs she’d collected over the decades, was the journal she’d kept of their failed quest to start a family.

When Angie had first bought the black velvety journal, it was for the purpose of keeping a record of their first baby’s life. From conception until the birth, she would keep a record of the event. Every detail, no matter how insignificant, would be written into the journal. Throughout their child’s life they would keep the journal updated. Every tooth, sitting, walking, talking, everything would be documented. When that child was grown, Angie would show him or her the record of their life, and they’d be left in no doubt that they were very much a planned and wanted baby.

Angie had first gotten the idea about keeping a journal from Chris. Since his mother had died when he was so young, all he learned about his early life came from his grandmother. She’d told him that his parents had waited a long time to become parents, but not much more than that. Since his father hadn’t stuck around to see him grow up, Chris had often wondered if his father had wanted him at all. Chris had told Angie of the doubts he had and he told her that when they had children, he’d make sure they knew exactly how much they were loved.

When she’d started the journal, Angie had no idea how much things would change. What started out as a diary of their first child’s life from conception onwards, soon turned into an account of a desperate and sad journey, which spanned several years. Opening up the journal Angie gulped anxiously, before settling down again to read over the year-by-year journey that had taken up a large chunk of her marriage.

1994

January

We have decided that we’ve saved long enough and waited long enough to start a family. I’ve given up my job at the advice center, so that should cut down on stress. We’ve changed our diets and we are now trying to eat all of the right things. Cutting down on the junk food might be hard at first, but a healthy baby will hopefully be our reward.

July

Still not pregnant. We saw the doctor today, but he says it can take up to eighteen months to conceive. He said I could try taking my temperature to check if I’m ovulating and help get the timing right. He told us to come back when we’ve been trying for a year. I hope it happens before then!

1995

January

We went to the see the doctor today. He’s sending a letter to the hospital so we can see a specialist. Then it’s just a matter of waiting for our first appointment at the fertility clinic. I’m a bit scared, but the doctor says they will start with basic tests at first. Apparently lots of women get pregnant even before their appointment arrives; hope I’m one of them.

April

It was our first appointment at the fertility clinic today. There wasn’t anything to worry about at all. They gave me an examination and took some blood from me. Chris had to be examined and provide a sample. A bit embarrassing, especially for Chris, but we managed to laugh about it later. Anyway, it’ll all be worth it if they can help us have a baby.

When we got home, Mom phoned to say Raymond and Sophie are expecting. I cried when I got off the phone. Chris was great and said it’ll be our turn soon. Hope he’s right.

July

Saw the doctor at the fertility clinic today. The results from both of us were all clear, so now we have to decide if we want to take the next step. They can give me a small operation called a laparoscopy. They’ll look around inside me to see if they can find any reasons why I’m not getting pregnant. The doctor said we needed to talk it over because there are small risks involved, but we both agreed there and then to go ahead. Anything that might help us have a baby is worth a try. Now we just have to wait for an appointment for the operation.

On the bus ride home there was a woman who kept on shouting at her two kids, and she was heavily pregnant, too. It’s just so unfair. Some people seem to just churn out kids, and we can’t even have one.

December

It’s three weeks till Christmas, and today I’m booked in for the laparoscopy. They said I’ll be asleep throughout, and when I wake up they’ll give me something for the pain. Half of me says I hope they don’t find anything wrong with me, but the other half says I hope they do. After all, if they find something, hopefully they can put it right. If they find nothing, then we still won’t know why I’m not getting pregnant!

A Week Later:

Last week I had the operation but I was so groggy, I didn’t catch half of what the surgeon said afterwards, apart from he found nothing major, whatever that means! We have to wait for an appointment to discuss the results and what happens next. Apparently they’re very busy and we might have to wait a couple of months for the appointment. Let’s hope we don’t need the appointment by then. I know what Chris and I both want for Christmas.

1996

March

It’s now two years and two months since we started trying for a baby. We had our appointment today and it was good news and bad news. The good news was that the surgeon found nothing major, but one of my tubes wasn’t perfect. The bad news is that because he found nothing major there’s not a lot they can do for us. I asked the doctor about giving me fertility drugs. I read in a magazine that loads of women are given them to boost their egg production. He said it’s not an option for me. First of all, he says there’s nothing wrong with my hormones so I should be producing eggs normally. Then he said that because of my damaged tube there would be a higher risk of an ectopic pregnancy. There’s no way they’d risk it and we wouldn’t either.