Invisible Love Letter (13 page)

“Oh, yeah.” He kissed my neck and I giggled from his scruff. “You and I are definitely having a little one.” My smile faded.
Definitely
was a terrifying word. “A little girl. She’ll have your red hair and she’ll be the most beautiful thing.”

“I see you've thought this through.” I pulled away from his hold. There was a pinch in my chest. I was told by many doctors that pregnancies were out of the picture, but how could I crush his hope of us someday having a kid?

“Yep, Lyra Skye Carter.” He spoke her name as though he had spent months imagining it. “Lyra is a constellation and she’ll shine bright in the sky. And I know she’ll look just like you, and then I’ll have everything.”

Swallowing away the pain, I decided to play along. “With your eyes,” I joked.

“And she’ll be the only girl I’ll love more than you.” He pulled me into his arms. His lips kissed a soft trail down my neck.

“Come on, lover boy. We have to go to sound check.” I pushed on Weston’s chest. There were some things I wasn’t ready to talk about. I loved him unconditionally, but we hadn’t been together long enough to open up Pandora’s Box.

A
few weeks
later I’d found myself in bed by seven at night. My body had been drained from work, and I wanted nothing more than to sleep for an endless number of days. With no time to visit my doctor for blood work, I diagnosed myself with anemia. I had all the symptoms, according to Google.

My phone rang and the screen showed it was Weston calling. If it were anybody else, I would have declined the call. “Hi, baby.”

“Are you sleeping already?” he asked. I could hear Axel and Harry celebrating in the background.

“I'm just resting my eyes.”

“I have some exciting news. Elephant Room has officially signed on with Wright Management.”

I knew that the guys had been talking about hiring Paulie to be their manager. He promised them a boatload of crap that I hoped he'd deliver on. I wanted to share my doubts with Weston, but who was I to meddle in their business? “That's really great, Weston.”

“Do you know what's even better? I get to see you in two weeks.” I heard Axel call out for him. “Okay, babe, I have to go. I’ll talk to you soon.”

I was barely able to tell him I loved him before he hung up and sleep overtook my body.

I
’d thought
Weston and I would go back to the same routine we’d had before he left once the Summer Festival Tour ended. I’d assumed our world would fall back into place and I would spend every moment with him.

I was wrong.

Paulie had their schedules packed almost every night. While I was at work during the day, Weston and the guys were in the studio laying down tracks. When I came home from work, he was getting ready to do local gigs. It was like my boyfriend was gone all over again, except this time it was worse because the ghost of Weston haunted me every day. There was a strain building in our relationship and neither of us had the courage to speak up.

Weston repeatedly told me how much he loved me. He would take my hand and kiss my ring. I knew he was following his dream; I knew how hard it was to catch a break in this world. But I also knew how this was affecting our relationship. It didn't help that I had grown to despise Paulie. Never had I hated someone as much as I hated him. Even remembering our conversation made my blood boil.

I had missed Weston’s phone call because I was in a meeting, so I called his cell. It rang five times before he picked up.

“Hello?” I spoke into the phone when there was dead air on the other side.

“Yeah, what do you want?” Paulie said.

“I want to speak to Weston.”

He huffed. “He's kind of busy at the moment.”

Anger boiled inside of me. “I'm not asking permission to speak to my boyfriend. I'm telling you to give him his phone.”

“Sorry, doll, he's gonna have to call you later.” Paulie hung up the phone and I didn't get to speak to Weston until the following day because he was in the studio all night.

Leslie became my therapist, talking me off the ledge. I sat at home and contemplated whether this relationship was worth my anxiety and the uncertainty. I was new to this, but I thought it was safe to assume you were supposed to see each other. She told me I was insane for even thinking of leaving him and that Weston worshiped the ground I walked on. I wanted to believe everything she said; I wanted to believe that our love, the love I had so desperately try to avoid, would conquer all.

But things only got worse.

T
he Saturday before Labor Day
, my world flipped on its axis. I awoke early that morning and my room was spinning. Though I had slept for eight hours the previous night, my body was exhausted. Something had to give.

I kicked my comforter off and sat on my empty bed; Weston had worked late the previous night again. Instantly my stomach began to turn, and I darted towards the bathroom. After twenty minutes of dry heaving, I rested my face on the cold tile floor.

There was a soft tap on the door before Leslie pushed it ajar with an apologetic look on her face. She held a plastic pharmacy bag in her hand.

“What's that?” I muttered.

She walked in and sat on the edge of the tub. Her eyes were serious; her face stern with no frown lines. “My period came three weeks ago.”

Confused, I shook my head. “And?”

“And since we moved in together, we've been on the same cycle. I was extremely bitchy three weeks ago and you weren’t. You were tired, but your period never came. I think you're pregnant.”

“You know I can't get pregnant. I’m on birth control, and I have a lazy uterus that doesn't ovulate—”

“Yes, I know, but you were also sick and you were taking antibiotics which cut the effect of birth control. And though you may have a lazy uterus, it doesn't necessarily mean that it’s
impossible
to get pregnant.”

“I'm not pregnant. My period came …” I paused. I took birth control to keep my cycle monthly, so I was due…

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck,
fuck
.

My body flushed with an even worse heat. “I'm not pregnant. I
can't
be pregnant. I had a doctor tell me I could never get pregnant. I have ovarian failure!” My heart began to race; nausea crawled up my stomach.

“There is a high
probability
that you wouldn’t be able to conceive on your own—”

“He told me no, that I would never be able to get pregnant on my own! And I take birth control!” My hand rushed to my mouth to stop another round of heaving.

“Only one way to find out for sure.” Leslie opened her pharmacy bag and pulled out a pregnancy test.

“You just carry these around?” The cream walls in our tiny bathroom felt as if they were closing in.

“No,” she retorted. “When you began to get sick and tired I thought maybe. Then when my period came and yours didn't, I thought something was wrong.” I stood and ran cool water onto my hands and patted them behind my neck.

“See, another sign, looks like morning sickness.” Leslie gave me a kind look and pulled the bathroom door closed.

With a shaky hand, I peeled open the cardboard box, sat on the toilet and peed on the stick. My heart raced with each passing second. I couldn’t be pregnant. I’d paid thousands and thousands of dollars for a doctor to tell me I could never have kids. My grandmother died of ovarian cancer, my mother died of ovarian cancer, and my aunt, at the age of twenty-five, had a full hysterectomy because she feared she would also die from cancer. I had a doctor tell me that having a child would be nearly impossible.
Impossible.

After washing my hands, I looked down at the small screen on the plastic stick.

Pregnant
.

I was fucking pregnant.

Wrapping the pregnancy test around a tissue, I shoved it in the pocket of my pajamas and stalked towards the living room. Leslie was opening the door to Weston as I made my way in.
Well, wasn’t this fucking great?

“Hey, beautiful.” As he walked towards me, his scent overpowered my senses and I held my breath so I wouldn't puke. “I've been trying to call you all morning. Did you forget to charge your phone?” He leaned in to kiss me, but I turned my cheek. “You okay?” he questioned, his eyebrows furrowed as he looked me up and down.

No! I’m not okay!
“Yeah, I'm fine.”

“Can we talk?” He looked back at Leslie and then towards the couch.

“I'll be in my room.” Leslie's eyes lingered on me before she walked out of the room. I understood the question she was silently asking me. The pregnancy stick burned in my pocket. It was a reminder that I had to tell Weston. I wasn’t in this alone.

I sat on the couch and hugged my pillow over my stomach.
Could he tell?

“Paulie called me this morning.” By the tone of his voice I could tell he had good news. His voice was cheerful, his eyes were bright. Unlike me, who held terrible heart shattering news in my cotton pajama pocket. “North Records has given us a recording deal.”

My eyes widened. “Oh my goodness, Weston, that's phenomenal!” My arms wrapped around his neck. Hugging him tenderly, he pulled me back. I held hands with him, his fingers twirling around the ring he gave me. The sudden shift in his eyes told me there was also bad news. “They want us in London by the end of next week.”

“London?”
How the hell could I tell him I was pregnant when he was going to the other side of the world?

“Yeah, they want us in the studio as soon as possible.” He kissed my knuckles.

“That's great!” I put on my fakest smile.

“I want you to come with me.” He looked up at me with hooded eyes.

“Weston … I can't.” I shook my head. If I told him I was pregnant, it would ruin everything he had worked so hard to obtain. It would alter his life forever.

“Yes, you can. You can find a job there, you’re talented. I’ll take care of you until you find something, and if you don’t want to work, I’ll still provide for you. I just want you there with me.”

If you truly love someone, you’ll do everything in your power to make sure they never feel true pain.
If I told Weston I was pregnant, he would stay by my side. He would walk away from everything he’d ever dreamed of to be with me, so I went with my gut and lied to protect the ones I loved most.

Because that’s what I’d learned: if you truly love someone you’ll do everything you can so they never feel pain.

He would stay by my side and help me raise this baby. If he stayed and I lost the baby or something worse happened, he would resent me for the rest of his life. They say a woman becomes a mother the day she finds out she's pregnant. At that moment, I chose to put my child's life before anyone else, even Weston. I was about to break his heart, and mine, but I needed to protect the little creature growing inside me.

I pulled away from his hands and straightened in my seat. “I don't love you enough to go with you,” I spoke softly with a shaky voice.

Lie
.

That was the biggest lie I had ever told. I loved him enough to follow him to the moon. “I'm not going to be my mother and follow your dreams and leave mine behind.” My voice cracked at the sight of his face changing from happiness to sorrow. “Since you've been home, our relationship has been put on the back burner. My father made my mother his second choice.”

Lie
.

“I don't want to live in the shadow of my parents. I don't want to live with four men on a dingy tour bus. Since May, I've been at your side and I've supported you every which way possible, but I can't move halfway around the world for your dreams when I have my own to follow.”

“Emilia…” he pleaded. “We can make this work.”

“I love you, Weston. I just don't love you enough.” I swallowed back my tears. I needed to hold it together. “We need to be honest with ourselves. This hasn’t been working out for a while. This is a sign that it’s time to walk away. It’ll be a clean break. You’ll be in London and I’ll be here, and then we can both move on.”

Weston’s eyes scanned my body for a few quick beats before he finally spoke. “You can’t be serious.” He shook his head in disbelief. “You’re lying.”

“No, this is how I feel. I’ve felt this way for some time now.”

“Well, I guess now I know how you really feel.” He nodded his head slowly.

“Go and live your dreams.” I prayed for the tears not to fall as I spewed my lies. “One day you'll find someone who’ll want to tag along. You knew from the beginning I was skeptical about us.”

His hands rubbed his face. “I can’t believe you’re saying this.” He bowed his head. “I thought what we shared was different. I thought you and I had a future.”

“We don’t have anything. My love for you is broken. I can't ever love you the way you love me. So please, pack your things and go. Follow your dreams.” The words spewed from my mouth like poison.

Weston rose from the couch. Without one final glance, he turned and left my empty apartment. The door slammed behind him.

Leslie walked into the room. “What's the matter?” She brushed my hair back as I clutched the pillow and sobbed.

“He's going to London,” I cried. “He’s gone, we’re done. It’s over.”

She pulled me in for a hug and brushed my hair back. “And what about…?”

“I'm pregnant.” I sobbed louder.

“Why didn't you tell him?” Leslie sat back on the couch and I curled into a ball.

“Because I'm not keeping this baby.” I sniffled.

“You can't say that.”

“If I keep this child, I can't tell him. If I tell him, he won't get on that plane to London. He won't follow his dreams and neither will Axel, Harry, or Pete. If I tell him about this baby, he'll stick by my side, and every time he looks at me he'll resent that I destroyed his dream.” I hiccupped. “I can't follow him to London with the baby in my belly. I don't know where we would live. I don't know what kind of health insurance we would have. I can't just quit my job, the only form of income I have, to follow him. I can't, I won't be my mother.”

They say lightning never strikes twice.

They lied.