Intoxicated (36 page)

“The traditional husband and wife roles
without the whole pesky marriage thing.”

Gracie flipped her stick straight hair over
her shoulder and hopped up to her feet, unable to stay in place for
too long. She paced back and forth along the length of the room,
her impractical stilettos sinking into the carpet. How she didn’t
lose her footing was beyond me. My devil’s advocate had serious
skills.

She was also practically reading my mind,
totally giving a voice to my subconscious. It was difficult not to
agree with that, still something burned in my gut that said I
should try harder. Eric was making a valiant attempt. He wasn’t
used to giving in. Nor was I. Maybe if we both worked our own
angles, we could meet somewhere in the middle at a mutually
agreeable conclusion.

“I thought that myself,” I mused, “that he
was putting the cart before the horse. A mortgage is a huge
commitment. Granted, marriage is bigger. But you would think we
would do that part first, just to get it out of the way. I wasn’t
about to bring it up last night, though. He looked like I had just
killed his puppy.”

“I bet he acted like he was eight, too.”

“Kind of,” I snorted.

“So, what’s your plan?” she asked,
absentmindedly picking up a picture frame from my old dresser.

“I don’t have one yet. With the lack of sleep
I got last night, you would think I would have written a ninety
page thesis on it by now, but I’m fresh out of ideas. If I turn him
down outright, he’ll never forgive me. I guess I’ll just keep
dropping hints and see if it gets me closer to what I want.”

“And what do you want?”

“To be honest, I want it all. I don’t want to
choose. And that’s not going to work because it’s not fair to
anyone involved. I want the boyfriend and the job and the friends.
I just can’t make the pieces all fit.”

“Then maybe you’re trying to put the pieces
from two different puzzles together.”

“You know, that’s pretty deep.”

“I have my moments of brilliance.”

I smiled despite myself. “I’ll think of
something. I always do. And why do today what you can put off until
tomorrow?”

“He’s not going to leave you alone until you
tell him yes or no,” Gracie contemplated, “just be prepared for
that.”

“I’m fully aware of this. He’ll probably pay
more attention to me than he has since I left. I told him I didn’t
want to discuss it now; I want to wait until after New Year’s rolls
around.”

Gracie nodded, putting down the picture frame
and staring into space thoughtfully. All of a sudden, her
expression changed and she whirled around to face me. “You
wouldn’t, would you?”

“I wouldn’t what?”

“Marry him. You know, just to get it over
with.”

My stomach clenched as I replayed our earlier
conversation and realized that’s exactly what I had said. I had
treated a sacred covenant as nothing more than a business deal. A
practical merging of households and incomes. That wasn’t exactly a
glowing report on the state of our relationship. When I had thought
about marriage as a little girl, I had imagined breathless
declarations of love. I wasn’t even sure that Eric allowed that
word into his vocabulary.

“Lauren?” she asked as I stood in
silence.

“You don’t know something, do you?”

She chuckled inwardly before answering. “The
guy can’t stand me. It’s not like he’s talking my ear off when
you’re not around. I haven’t seen him since Thanksgiving.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. She was right.
Eric wouldn’t tell Gracie what he had for breakfast, let alone
confide in her about something as major as a house hunt or a
proposal. Yet now that the thought had been planted in my brain I
couldn’t shake it. If I had associated buying a house together with
getting married so organically, couldn’t it be possible that Eric
had done the same thing?

“You look positively green, dearest,” she
declared, coming to sit beside me on the bed once more, “so let’s
talk about something else. How did you like your present from
Blake?”

“It was fabulous. And I know you were in on
it. You are so sneaky.”

Gracie’s face lit up at my mention of her
involvement. “She ran it past me when we were together on
Thanksgiving. When you and Eric were indisposed, she and I had a
mighty nice talk. If we lived closer to each other, we’d probably
hang out.”

Just how I had figured, my Indy best friend
and my Fort Wayne best friend were two of a kind. Maybe that’s why
the transition had been so seamless for me; I had a Gracie stand-in
at the ready.

“If you and Eric end up sealing the deal,
maybe I’ll take her up on her offer,” Gracie mused, referring to
the fictional lease Blake had proposed on Thanksgiving night. I
glared at her, a reminder that it was her idea to end that line of
thinking for now. “Oops, sorry.”

“I’m not going anywhere anytime soon,” I
stated more firmly than I felt. “I haven’t accepted his offer. Even
if I did five minutes from now, we haven’t begun to look. We
haven’t even discussed where we would look. The whole house-hunting
and purchasing thing would take a while.”

“The financing part would be a lock though,”
Gracie teased. “I know someone who could help you with that.”

I elbowed her with a giggle. “You know, the
idea of a mortgage shouldn’t be so scary for someone who works with
them all day long. But one with my name on it, that’s another
story.”

“One with only your name on it when you’re
not the one calling the shots,” she clarified.

I laid back on the mattress and ran my hands
through my hair with a sigh. “That’s exactly the problem. I’m glad
someone else gets it. If it were just me and I had decided to do
the homeownership thing, I’d be fine with it. I’d go find a house
in Fort Wayne and be happy.”

“You like it there that much?”

“Yeah. I’ve established a life there. My
job’s there, I have a couple of friends. I could lay down roots.
But with Eric, that’s never going to fly. Practically, Fort Wayne’s
just too far away for him. And Indy’s just too far away for me. I
get that. So the idea in a nutshell is the only alternative. He’s
going about it wrong, but it has its merits.”

“So why aren’t you happier? He’s finally
showing some initiative.”

“Not enough, though. He would keep his condo,
which tells me that he isn’t one hundred percent invested in this.
If we would break up, he could just smoothly continue on with life
as he knew it. I’d be saddled with a mortgage on our house in who
knows where, living between Indy and Fort Wayne for no good reason
at all.”

“Well, you know how I feel about it. And I’m
willing to bet that Blake will tell you the same thing. And don’t
get me started on that brother of hers.”

I groaned involuntarily.

“What? If you decide for whatever silly
reason to take Eric up on his ingenious plan, you know he’s not
going to allow you to still be friends with them. You’ve got to be
kidding me if you think he would willingly let you spend time with
the guy who almost kicked his ass.”

“It wasn’t like that.”

“But it could have been. Eric barely allows
you to spend time with me. As far as I know, I’m not competition
for your affection.”

I choked on my denial, realizing that my
efforts would be futile at best. The lump in my throat grew as
tears clouded my vision. Concerned, Gracie laid beside me.

“Now it’s my turn to ask what you aren’t
telling me.”

“Matthew told me he loved me,” I admitted,
wiping away moisture from my eyes.

“Really?” she asked breathlessly, her eyes
shining with the obvious desire for me to provide more detail.

“He didn’t say it. He wrote it down. In the
Christmas card he gave me. But it wasn’t just ‘Love, Matthew’ like
I could explain away with that just being how he signs things. He
wrote ‘I love you, too.’”

“Too?” She jumped on the qualifier like I
knew she would. “So you are holding out on me.”

“I said it. Once. It just slipped out. I was
at his place trying to convince him to come to Thanksgiving and it
just happened. I was telling him about how if he came, everyone
that I loved would be in the same room at the same time. That
included you and Blake, by the way.”

“So it could have been innocent. But you’re
not completely sure.”

“I was so embarrassed that it just popped out
like that. But it was the truth, in some form. I care about him so
much. And at the time, he rejected it so I thought I was in the
clear anyway.”

“He rejected you?”

“He pulled his whole self-loathing routine
that made me feel worse. But now, he’s put it back out there and I
don’t know what to do. I don’t know what it means. I don’t know
what I want it to mean.”

“Have you tried talking to him about it?”

I rolled over so that I was on my stomach.
The position made it easier for me to look at her. Her eyes were
wide, innocent even. Granted, that would have been the most logical
course of action, but I hadn’t been capable of rational thought at
the time. I shifted my eyes to the bedspread and she smacked her
forehead.

“I know,” I muttered, “I know.”

“Well, start from there.”

“I think he might have started to mention it
when he walked me out to the garage, but I cut him off.”

“Really?” This was said more like a statement
and less like a question. She huffed and shook her head.

“It was an accident. I promise I’ll try
harder next time.”

“You better.”

Gracie’s pep talk was cut short by a knock at
the door. We both sat up and smoothed down our hair, attempting not
to look too guilty about our latest installment of Lauren’s True
Confessions. Eric strode into my old bedroom like he owned the
place. The same surreal feeling washed over me that always occurred
on Christmas; there had been so many occasions during our lengthy
relationship where he had done the same thing. To him, this was as
much of a home as his parents’ house. I never would have guessed
ten years ago that we’d be in the same place, carrying out the same
actions as we did back then.

Of course Gracie hadn’t been in the picture
then. Or my own indecisiveness about where I wanted things to go.
Back then I only lived in the moment, enjoying the comfort that a
steady boyfriend brought. Today I was more focused on the future,
wondering where my current direction would lead me. To be honest, I
felt like someone had convinced me to shut my eyes, then proceeded
to spin me around. I had no idea which end was up, or where I was
headed.

Eric, on the other hand, looked more sure of
himself than ever. He was practically grinning from ear to ear.

“I figured you’d want to head out soon,” he
said, effectively ignoring Gracie.

“What time is it?” I asked. I’d left my cell
in my purse, so I had completely lost track.

“Getting late,” was his reply.

He extended his hand to help me up.
Reluctantly I took it, seeing his gesture for the possessiveness it
was. He was only demonstrative of his affection when it suited him.
Apparently, this was one of those times.

Gracie rolled her eyes as I rose to my feet.
She remained seated on the bed, her arms folded across her chest.
Her distaste for my boyfriend was obvious; there would be no doubt
whose side she would take if it came down to a battle for my
attention.

If. Again, I couldn’t be certain of Matthew’s
intentions. There were so many things that he kept hidden from me.
So many mysteries and contradictions that I couldn’t explain.

Eric’s desires were pretty well cut and
dried. I knew what to expect for the most part. Every now and then
he’d throw in a curveball, like he’d done with the buying a house
thing. But the story arc was relatively the same. I was his. It
radiated in the way he moved, in the way he spoke, in the way he
lived his life. For him, there were no doubts.

“So I guess this is goodbye?” Gracie said
finally, addressing only me.

I shrugged even as Eric gently pushed me
toward the door.

“Call me later,” her voice trailed behind us,
“and thanks for the perfume!”

“I will and you’re welcome,” I called back.
“Thanks for the calendar!”

Gifts had always been simple between Gracie
and me. Every Christmas since we had become friends, we had bought
each other the exact same gift. She always bought me one of those
page a day calendars. The subject matter varied; one year it was
puppies, another it was jokes, but it was always a calendar. I, in
turn, faithfully purchased her a bottle of her favorite perfume. It
was more like a running gag gift tradition than anything else. I
knew our tax brackets were considerably different and didn’t want
to create any awkward moments if I got her a present that I knew
she wouldn’t be able to reciprocate with like value. I couldn’t
care less if she got me anything at all, but I realized she was
sensitive about the subject.

My dad was still in the living room where
Eric had left him, his eyes focused on whatever basketball game was
airing. He rose from his recliner when I entered to give me a
hug.

“Leaving so soon?” he kidded, fully aware I
had stayed the majority of the day.

“Yeah, I’m about to turn into a pumpkin,” I
joked. “Besides, your surrogate daughter is around here
somewhere.”

“You know nothing compares to the real
thing.”

Eric looked at me pointedly from across the
room. I wondered if he had spent his quality guy time drumming up
my dad’s support for the homeownership plan. I wouldn’t put it past
him. Of course my dad would be on board with me living closer to
him if presented in the right way. If discussed in a manner that
didn’t let on how truly on the fence I was about it. I could
imagine Eric regaling my dad with tales of how we’d spend Sundays
here at least once or twice a month. Of course, those stories would
be lies, but they would sound good. Convincing.