Intoxicated (32 page)

Instead, I was greeted by an empty kitchen.
The breakfast bar was covered with food, laid out buffet style, but
the siblings were nowhere to be seen. I set down my purse on the
table in the nook and followed their voices into the living room.
They were both seated on the sectional, staring at the Christmas
tree. A fire burned in the fireplace, the one and only time so far
I had seen that feature used.

“Hi guys,” I said hesitantly, my inflection
more of a question than a greeting, “what are you doing?”

“Hey, gorgeous,” Matthew drawled warmly, and
the butterflies in my stomach melted away.

Blake sprang up from the couch and engulfed
me in a hug. “It’s so beautiful,” she whispered. “Thank you so
much.”

“You’re welcome,” I said as she pulled away,
holding me at arm’s length. Tears glistened in her beautiful blue
eyes, and I swallowed down the lump forming in my throat. I yanked
her into another embrace. “Thank you for my office. It’s
perfect.”

She sniffled slightly before responding.
“You’re welcome, too. I’m glad you like it.”

“Of course I do. It’s a Blake Snyder
original. How many people get gifts like that for Christmas?”

“Only the people in this room,” Matthew
quipped. “Trust me, the novelty wears off after a couple of years.
You start to just wish for gift certificates or something
normal.”

Blake snorted and pulled away for real this
time. Her brother had risen from the couch to come stand by us, and
she slugged him playfully. Her composure had returned in
spades.

“And thank you, too,” I said, impulsively
giving Matthew a hug, “since I know for a fact you helped.”

“You’re welcome, sweetheart,” he whispered,
squeezing my shoulder. The contact sent a shiver down my spine.

“Well,” I said quickly, pulling back from him
before Blake could find our interaction inappropriate, “I’m going
to change into something warmer and then it looks like it’s time to
eat.”

I excused myself to my room where I threw on
a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and tried to calm myself down. I
reminded myself that I was the one who had instigated the touching,
and had done so without having ulterior motives. I was good with
hugging; friends did it all the time. Christmas was an especially
common time to embrace someone innocently. I had done nothing
wrong. And Matthew was just being himself, using his nicknames, and
nothing more had been meant by that, either.

Between Blake and Eric analyzing everything
that happened in regards to Matthew and me, it was easy to put
anything under the microscope and have it come out suspicious. Now
I was doing it myself.

Before I was gone long enough to require a
search party to come rescue me, I headed back down the stairs.
Blake and Matthew had already gone into the kitchen and I grabbed a
plate as well. With the breakfast I’d had at work I really wasn’t
all that hungry, but I didn’t want to insult Blake’s effort. She
had gone to a lot of work to put this together and I could choke
down a ham sandwich and some side dishes to show my
appreciation.

I deliberately took longer plating my food
than the others so that I could scope out the seating arrangements
without looking obvious. Thankfully, Matthew sat at one end of the
breakfast bar with Blake between us. I took my stool with relief,
not wanting to tempt fate again. Neither one of them seemed to
notice that anything was amiss. This further supported my theory
that I was making a mountain out of a molehill and I began to
relax.

“So,” Blake turned to me, “how did you
usually spend Christmas when you lived back home?”

I shrugged, poking at the macaroni salad on
my plate with my fork. “Well, ever since I started at the bank I’ve
had to work on Christmas Eve. So I never officially did anything.
After Gracie and I met, we would do our gift exchange then.
Sometimes Eric would come over later, or I’d go over to his place.
Christmas was always the big day. That’s when I would go over to my
dad’s and do the traditional holiday stuff. Being in Fort Wayne
hasn’t really changed any of that. Gracie’s coming over to my dad’s
tomorrow, but that’s no big deal.”

In a normal conversation I typically would
have asked her how she spent past Christmases but given the
circumstances I bit my tongue. She had expounded a little on the
Snyder Family Christmas during her breakdown the other night.
Anything my father would have ever provided would pale in
comparison, though I had the distinct feeling that she would have
traded places with me in a heartbeat.

“And Eric?” she asked.

I heard Matthew groan. I didn’t blame him.
Blake rarely passed up an opportunity to insert my boyfriend into
the conversation, especially when her brother was in the same room.
It was like she was wanted to make us both keenly aware of the fact
that I was taken, just in case either one of us forgot. The
attraction between us she had halfway nurtured in the beginning had
grown repulsive to her ever since the night I drove his Mustang. If
I didn’t know better, I would think she was one of Eric’s closest
allies. Though she at times played devil’s advocate she was only
doing so to protect her brother, possibly even me.

“Eric always comes to my father’s house on
Christmas. His parents are always gone, usually in Florida, at this
time of year. It’s been our thing for the past ten years.”

I stabbed at my food violently, my fork
jutting through the Styrofoam plate. I took a deep breath and
calmly set about extricating it before continuing.

“He asked me to drive down tonight and spend
the night at his place.”

“And?” Blake arched a perfectly groomed
eyebrow.

“I’m seriously thinking about it,” I
conceded.

Even though my mind was already made up and
had been for a couple hours, I had a difficult time saying that in
Matthew’s presence. For some reason, it seemed better to act like I
was on the fence about it. After we had enjoyed our festivities
here, I could pretend like I had just decided to go and excuse
myself gracefully. No need to let Eric’s shadow dampen two holidays
in a row.

I snuck a peek over at Matthew. His head was
bowed as he concentrated a little too closely on his plate. Even
though he pretended not to care, I knew he had heard every word and
committed it to memory. Blake's interrogation had served its
purpose, further driving a wedge between us and any burgeoning
flirtations. Noticing her success, Blake quieted and we finished
our meal in relative silence.

The somber mood continued as the three of us
cleaned up the kitchen. As I wiped up the counter I found myself
wishing that things would have gone differently. I wasn’t sure how
I could have redirected the conversation without lying outright,
but still. I had wanted to create a happy occasion for the two of
them and this was turning out to be anything but.

“Keep doing that and you’ll wear a hole in
the granite,” Matthew whispered as he walked behind me.

My hand froze and I released the sponge I had
been using. Now that he mentioned how hard I was scrubbing, I
realized how tense my body had become. I flexed my fingers and
continued at a much gentler clip.

With his sister’s head stuck in the
refrigerator as she placed the leftovers inside, he braved further
commentary. “I know she’s being a buzzkill, but it’s just her
nature.”

I considered his argument as I watched him
retreat to the pantry to dump the armload of disposable dinnerware
into the trash. He had a point. I imagined that if I had been
disowned by my family at Christmastime after growing accustomed to
presents such as vacations and Mercedes I would be a little callous
myself. Her lingering issues and my perfectionism weren’t meshing
well today. Sure, on the outside our little get together looked
worthy of a photo shoot, but I wanted the total package.

Speaking of packages, my stomach clenched
slightly as I thought about the imminent gift exchange looming
ahead. I had agonized over Matthew’s gift ever since he had
mentioned how much I would love the one he had chosen for me. He
hadn’t been too far off by suggesting that I would employ a
spreadsheet approach for my gift selection. I had racked my brain
contemplating ideas for what to get him, debating about hidden
meanings. After a few nights scrawling down thoughts and scribbling
the majority of them out, I had reluctantly made up my mind,
realizing that the big day was fast approaching and that he would
end up with nothing if I waited a second longer. I closed my eyes
and mouthed a silent prayer that he wouldn’t think my selection was
too cheesy. In reality, it tied in nicely with what I was getting
him for his birthday in mid-January. So if he hated it, I was
doubly screwed.

Putting on a brave front, I cleared my
throat. “I think it’s as good of a time as any to unwrap our gifts,
don’t you?”

Blake clasped her hands together and for a
moment she looked just like an eager child. I smiled at her
reaction; maybe I had written this day off a little too soon.
Things were definitely salvageable.

“Sounds good to me,” she proclaimed as she
headed into the living room, leaving Matthew and me to trail behind
her. Her excitement was contagious, and the trepidation I had
concerning the event in question began to dissipate.

Even though Blake and I had already swapped
rather extravagant presents, we had still bought each other a few
small items. What fun was a Christmas tree with no presents
underneath? With beauty products being my not-so-secret obsession,
she had chosen a makeup set for me that contained tons of
eyeshadows, blushes and lip glosses all contained in a purple train
case. I would have been content to run up to my room right then and
there to experiment, but instead pushed it aside and thanked her
profusely. I didn’t want to tally up the cost of the office
redecoration in my head; I would feel way too guilty. Even with
donating her labor, I was certain that the new furniture hadn’t
come cheap.

I had picked out a blue cashmere blend
sweater for her that coordinated perfectly both with her eyes and
her hair streak. I was no slouch; I knew that blue was her favorite
color for clothing, this tone especially. Her wardrobe was full of
it, and why not? When she wore it, her skin looked even more
porcelain like, her hair like spun gold, her eyes more striking. If
I had been blessed with her coloring, my entire closet would be
full of the shade.

“Thank you so much!” she gushed, yet again
embracing me.

All traces of her less than festive demeanor
had vanished. Once more she was all smiles, and I sat back, quite
impressed with myself. So far this had worked out perfectly.
Whatever Christmases Blake and Matthew had endured since the
incident had been forgotten, at least for the time being. I was
sure that this particular year would be remembered fondly, a new
beginning in their journey as a family of two.

Matthew opened his presents from Blake next:
a new iPod – predictably in blue – and a scrapbook that gave him
pause. As he flipped through the pages, he was visibly moved by the
contents. Blake sat next to him on the floor, beaming at him. I sat
across from them, feeling small and insignificant. It was as though
I was watching a movie in a foreign language and everyone else
could read the subtitles except for me. I had absolutely no idea
what was going on, but still had the unmistakable feeling that I
was intruding on something very personal.

“Wow,” he whispered as he carefully closed
the album, “I don’t know what to say.”

Blake smiled and leaned over to give him a
kiss on the cheek. “You don’t have to say anything. Just know that
you’re the best brother ever and that no matter what, I will always
love you.”

“I love you, too, sunshine,” he said softly,
reaching over and tousling her hair, “but now that candle I got you
seems really lame.”

Blake smoothed her silky tresses and laughed.
She quickly wiped away the moisture that had collected in her eyes
as she accepted the gift he extended her way. It was in fact a
candle, but as she pulled it from the packaging, a silver locket
had been fastened around the glass jar. She unclasped it and let it
slide down into her outstretched palm. Her fingers trembled as she
undid the hinge to see what, if anything, had been placed inside.
Never one to disappoint, Matthew looked on as she reacted
emotionally to the contents.

Her tears came in earnest as he took the
necklace from her, lifting her curls away from her shoulders to
fasten the present around her neck. With the clasp secured firmly,
he let her hair down so it pooled in glorious waves. He brushed her
tears away with both thumbs, then kissed her gently on the top of
her head.

A lump formed in my throat as I watched the
scene take place. I knew I had just witnessed something profound,
even if I couldn’t put a name to it. Another emotion bubbled in my
stomach which I surprisingly recognized as a twinge of jealousy.
The bond between them as brother and sister was so strong,
something that I as an only child would never get to experience. To
be so close to someone of the opposite sex, to be their biggest
supporter, their greatest protector without any fear of your
actions being misunderstood as romantic in nature was a feeling
that I would never have.

As much as I told myself that Matthew treated
me in the same regard, I second guessed everything he did. Every
touch, every snide comment, every glance in my direction I
over-analyzed until I was positive that he had instilled a deeper
meaning into it. As much as I had insisted to both Eric and Blake
that nothing was going on, in reality, I wanted to be the object of
his attention. I didn’t want him to treat me like a sister or even
a friend. I was the one who wanted something more.