Interview With a Jewish Vampire (34 page)

“
You’re sure about that? Won’t he be frightened?”

“
Hey, we Lubuvatchers have seen
Twilight
. I assume you don’t sparkle.”

“
So, is that it? You all sorted out?” He turned away from us and waved to a friend who just walked in. “Hellooooo Dolly. Did you get on
The Today Show
? That’s Dolly Bernstein, the famous matchmaker. All the singles are going to old-fashioned Jewish matchmakers these days even if they’re not Orthodox. We work together sometimes. She makes the matches, I do the counseling.”

“
How about the human/vampire thing?” I asked him, trying to fit in a couple more questions before Regis walked in.

“
I don’t know anything about that,” Shmuley said dismissively. “Not my department. You don’t have to make a decision right away, do you? How long have you two been together?”

“
Just a few months,” I said.

“
Give it a year and come back to me. Young people today are so impulsive.”

“
We’re not young,” Sheldon said. “I’m a hundred years old and Rhoda’s forty-one.”

“
What’s the rush. You’re immortal and she’s peri-menopausal. Do you want to have children?”

“
We haven’t discussed it,” I said hastily. “I doubt it’s possible.”

“
Where there’s a will, etc.” Shmuley nodded sagely. “I don’t know about vampires but in vitro worked for a few of my clients.”

Shmuley decided we were finished when yet another admirer shrieked, “Shmuley, Shmuley, you must come over here and meet my cousin who works for the
Times
, he’s a fan of yours.” He got up, grabbed his coat and was about to leave when Sheldon grabbed his arm. “Wait, wait. What do I do about Goldie? How do I de-animate her?”

“
Rhoda has to do it.”

“
What?” I squealed. “That’s impossible!”

He turned to Sheldon. “Only a human woman can de-animate a female golem who is out of control. Didn’t you know that? She was only obeying you because she felt like it.”

“
How would I know that? My father made her, not me.” Sheldon sounded as panicked as I felt.

“
When a man makes a golem to be his servant he’s asking for trouble, golems are very possessive,” Shmuley said. “There is no free lunch.”

“
What do I do?” I was hysterical. “She’s huge, she might hurt me.”

“
Not if you know what to say. Check my website. Click on the ‘golem’ link. I’ve got a surefire golem de-animation script.”

He handed Sheldon the check, shook his hand and said, “Good luck. You’re going to need it.”

The de
-animation script on Shmuley’s website was daunting. It confirmed that the person doing the de-animating had to be the same sex as the golem; it listed the Hebrew letters you had to recite, none of which I could understand, although I had to memorize them; it revealed the secret name of God that had to be used as well. Worst, it said the de-animation had to be done at daybreak when the golem was at her weakest for some reason. That meant Sheldon couldn’t be there. I was on my own. Except for Charlene who had volunteered to back me up and recite the words with me. Bless her
goyishe
heart, she’d even agreed to learn a little Hebrew for a friend. As it turned out more than a little Hebrew was involved. Luckily Sheldon could coach us, even if he couldn’t be there to help.

At least he felt bad about it. “I’m so sorry I can’t be there, Rhoda, but Goldie could go nuts and decide to attack me while I sleep if she gets angry enough. I’ve seen her when she’s really mad. She could hold me hostage.”

“
How reassuring. I’ve just confronted killer drug dealers and now I have to go mano a mano with a killer golem.” I strolled over to the window and looked down at Second Avenue nostalgically, realizing that I might not see it again. I might not see Sheldon again for that matter.

“
Now you’re making me feel guilty,” Sheldon said, smiling. “But don’t worry. I’m used to it. I have total faith in you. Goldie is no match for my Rhoda.” He must have been in denial because she was twice my size.

The process was ridiculously complicated, involving the “combination technique.” I couldn’t just erase the first letter from Goldie’s forehead because she undoubtedly wouldn’t let me near her. My journalism background came in handy because I was used to interviewing experts in various esoteric disciplines and explaining their theories in plain language.

It seems that each limb of the golem has a corresponding letter mentioned in the Sefer Yetzirah, a book of Kabbalah, and to create a golem this letter has to be combined with every other letter of the Hebrew alphabet to form pairs. Then a more general permutation is done (again for each limb separately) for each letter of the Hebrew alphabet with every other letter into letter pairs. This second, basic method of combination is called the “221 gates.” Then each letter of the alphabet has to be combined with each vowel sound (apparently for each limb). That concludes the first stage, the formation of the golem's body. In the second stage you must combine each letter of the alphabet with each letter from the Tetragrammaton (YHVH), and pronounce each of the resulting letter pairs with every possible vowel sound. In this case the use of the Tetragrammaton, even though it is permutated, is the “activation word.”

As if the above wasn’t nonsensical enough, to destroy a golem you have to recite it all backwards, while circling the golem in a counterclockwise direction. The golem web pages noted that when done right, the process should be combined with meditative, paced breathing and pronunciation techniques. Some of these methods would have taken the Kabbalist thirty-six hours or more of uninterrupted meditation to complete!

I didn’t understand a word, but Sheldon, in his rabbinical wisdom, boiled it down to a formula I could memorize. He wrote a transliteration of the Hebrew for me and Charlene. I would recite the words while circling Goldie, while Charlene read from the written version and coached me when I stumbled. Charlene, who had studied Latin as part of her Catholic education was also good at memorizing esoteric languages.

This all took about a week, during which time Sheldon stayed at my apartment. After studying we got to make love for the rest of the night. It was heavenly. I definitely knew I could live with this man forever--that I wanted to live with him forever. I got so involved in my Hebrew studies that I almost forgot what I was studying for, but when I finally got it all down pat Sheldon reminded me that I actually had to confront Goldie.

At 5 a.m. on a cold February morning, Charlene and took a cab to Crown Heights. The sun was rising as we crossed the Brooklyn Bridge, which I would have found beautiful if I wasn’t so scared. When the cabbie dropped us off in front of Sheldon’s building, Charlene and I silently opened the outside door with the key we’d gotten from Sheldon, trudged into the vestibule, and up the three flights of stairs. When we got to his door I whispered to her, “Do you have the script ready? I hope I can remember my Hebrew alphabet…backwards. Actually I wouldn’t know the difference either way.”

“
Let’s get it over with, Rhoda. Open the goddamned door.” Charlene was nervous as well. Goldie wasn’t likely to spare her either if she went on a rampage before I could deactivate her.

When the door opened we both saw Goldie lying on the couch and snoring loudly. Who knew golems snored? One meaty arm was over her face and the other dropped to the floor. Her dress was hiked up, showing her huge thighs which looked like tree trunks, except smooth and gray. Her ratty underwear looked like it was left over from the Victorian era. She didn’t look scary until she opened one eye and stared at us, her mouth curling down in an angry frown. She hopped up faster than I thought possible for a creature of her bulk, and glared at us.

“
Is that Rhoda? Why are you here? Where’s Sheldon? Who’s this shiksa?” Did she have some kind of
shiksa
radar? How could she have known Charlene was a shiksa?

“
Goldie, I’m really sorry but I’m here to deactivate you. You wouldn’t let Sheldon do it so I have to. I promise Sheldon will reactivate you in a while, after we get married.” I had no idea why I was telling her the truth, but I couldn’t think of a story that would be the least bit convincing. We were so busy during the last week memorizing Hebrew that I forgot to come up with a cover story.

“
Are you some kind of meshuganah? Goldie asked, looking bewildered. “Do you think I’d let a little
pisher
like you deactivate me. I’m twice your size. I could smash you against this wall until your brains leaked from your skull.”

Goldie lurched towards me with her arms out, looking like the bride of Frankenstein. I wanted to start the deactivation process but there was no way I could walk around her while she was moving.

“
Charlene, get behind her and try to slow her down.”

Charlene obediently got behind Goldie but then stood there, looking bewildered. She obviously had no idea what to do.

“
Grab her under the arms,” I suggested.

“
This thing is three times my size, Rhoda. She’ll kill me.”

Goldie lumbered around towards Charlene and growled, “You bet I will,
shiksa
whore.”

At that point I grabbed Goldie’s arms from the back and tried to subdue her. I don’t know what I could have been thinking. She wheeled around again, picked me up with those huge arms if I were a squirming puppy, and carried me towards the window.

“
I’m going to drop you out this window and squish you like a bug,”

Frantic, I started yelling for help. If I made enough noise, someone was bound to hear me.

“
S
hhh,” she whispered to me. You don’t want to wake the vampires.”

“
Yes I do!” I yelled. “Maybe one of them will help me.”

“
Why would they?” It was Goldie’s turn to look bewildered. “You’re not even Jewish.”

“
Yes I am,” I insisted. “Look, I’m wearing a wig.”

Goldie was strong, but she was also slow. Golems weren’t known for agility. As she took one hand off me and grabbed my hair, trying to rip it off, I took the opportunity to elbow her in her iron gut, which knocked her off balance just enough so that I could get away from her. I scampered off and cowered in the corner, rubbing my head which was now missing a clump of hair, but at least I was temporarily out of her clutches.

“
Bravo, Rhoda,” Charlene cheered.

“
Now I’m going to strangle you,” she said, coming at me. “No one will hear you if you’re choking.”

“
If you did that Sheldon would never forgive you”

She looked at me, stunned. That had obviously never occurred to her.

“
He doesn’t care about you, you’re, you’re …” She was at a loss for words. “You’re just a
koorvah
,” she flung the word at me as if I would crumple when I heard it.

“
What’s a
koorvah
? I never heard that expression.”

Goldie had obviously lived with a rabbi long enough to know that answering a question superseded all other business.

“
Whore, prostitute, bad woman,” she said calmly as if she were instructing a class.

“
Sheldon and I are getting married, Goldie, and there’s not a thing you can do about it. Give up now and we’ll reanimate you—sometime in the future.”

At that Goldie came to an abrupt halt, put her head in her hands, and started wailing loudly. The sound was chilling. It didn’t sound human, but like an enormous wind-up toy winding down.

“
He can’t marry you, I won’t allow it.” she wailed. “Sheldon is my baby. My little
boytshick
. You can’t have him, you
nafka
.” She started lurching again in my direction almost drunkenly

“
I have no idea what a
nafka
is either, but I’m not one.”

“
You’re a piece of
schmutz
, that’s what you are,” Goldie shouted.

“
Rhoda, you have to get started,” I heard Charlene say behind me. “She’s not going gently into that good night.”

I quickly started walking towards the bedroom to confuse her, since it happened to be in a counterclockwise direction, and chanted what I’d memorized in a low voice. I figured chanting was more authentic because that’s how Hebrew prayers were recited.

“
Nooooo,” Goldie yowled, putting her hands over her ears, and turning her head away from me. “Not the Tetragrammaton, anything but the Tetragrammaton, that will kill me forever. You’ll turn me into dust. Stoppp, please stoppp.” She growled in a low voice, sounding like she was in excruciating pain.

I felt sorry for her but I didn’t stop, I knew I had to keep going or all would be lost. Goldie reeled around the room holding her head and screaming. Then her hand went to her forehead and she scraped wildly at the letters, removing the
Aleph
. As soon as it was gone, she keeled over like a felled oak.

“
Geez, Charlene. She committed suicide. I guess that was better than being turned to dust. Should we just leave her there?”