In Too Deep (17 page)

As people sat and ate cake and sipped on punch, I stepped outside to get some fresh, crisp night air. I was looking up at the dark sky, contemplating life without Travis when a voice that I never expected to hear again called out my name.

“Hello, Randy.”

I turned around. “Natalie?” Natalie walked up to me slowly and gave me a half smile. “What are you doing here?”

“Some of Brian's other
associates
came by the house to pay their respects. They also knew your brother. Or at least knew of him. They told me about the funeral. I wanted to pay my respects.”

I took her hand. “Thank you for coming. I know this isn't easy for you.”

Natalie shrugged her shoulders. “It couldn't have been easy for you when you came.”

I nodded my head. “So how are you holding up?”

Natalie sighed and for a moment it seemed as though she was going to cry. But she didn't.

“Well, it's official—I am HIV positive. I got the results a few days ago.”

I clenched my jaws. “I'm sorry,” I said softly.

“To answer your question, I'm managing the best I can under the circumstances that I was forced into. I'd like to say that with time things will get better, but unfortunately for me they won't.”

“Don't lose hope,” I said, trying to lift her spirits.

“It's not that I've lost hope. I've just accepted the reality of my situation. I don't have Magic Johnson money. I can't afford the special medications to fight the disease like he can. All I can do is take what all of the normal people are taking. Sometimes I break down and cry when I think about everything. I was married to Brian for nineteen years and I never had a clue. I should have seen something, shouldn't I?”

“Don't put that burden on your shoulders, Natalie. Brian hid his secret from everyone.” Natalie didn't reply. A few seconds of silence passed before I asked, “How are your sons dealing with everything?”

Natalie sighed again, and this time tears fell slowly. “They are having a rough time. My oldest, Dominic, especially. He's your typical teenage jock: all sports, and only cheerleaders. He's very homophobic, and finding out that his father was gay is really tearing him apart emotionally. He's quit the basketball team because he doesn't want to deal with the stares and questions, and comments going on behind his back. I'm really worried about him. I don't want his life to be destroyed because of his father's secret. I try to talk to him about it, but he rejects my efforts and just shuts me and everyone else out.”

“What are his feelings about Brian's suicide?”

“Honestly, I think his father being gay is affecting him much more than the suicide. He hasn't said anything, but I have a feeling that he feels relief that he won't have to deal with his father.”

“Have you tried to take him to a psychiatrist? Maybe it would be easier for him to talk to a stranger.”

Natalie nodded. “I finally convinced him to see a doctor next week. I'm praying that the doctor will be able to get him to open up and bring out the anger that he's bottling up inside.”

“What about your youngest? How is he?”

“Brandon is handling things a little better. He's just as angry and feels just as betrayed, but his mind isn't as narrow. He doesn't seem to have the same type of homophobia that Dominic has. I think he's going to be okay in the long run. We'll see, I guess. All I can do is be there for support and hope for the best.”

“That really is all you can do. Ultimately, they'll both have to make their own decisions about how they want to deal with everything.”

“I know.”

“How did they take the news about the HIV?”

Natalie folded her arms across her chest. “I haven't told them yet.”

“You haven't?”

“No. This whole situation has been so traumatic for them that I just don't know how to break the news to them. I know that it's better for them to deal with everything all at once, but how do I do it? How do I tell my babies that I'm going to die?”

“Try not to think that way, Natalie. You don't know what may happen in the future. Remember—you have the virus, but you don't have AIDS.”

“I know. And I know that it may never become full-blown. But believe me, from where I'm standing having HIV is like being given a death sentence. I just don't know the date of my execution yet.”

“None of us know.”

Natalie gave another half smile. “No. I guess not. Anyway, enough about me and my misery—how are you holding up?”

“I'm hanging in there. It's a little hard knowing that he's gone and never coming back, but I know that he's in a better place.”

“And your family?”

“Well, my mom's handling it well. Better than I thought she would, actually. As far as my brother and father go—remember when we were talking about your sons having to make their own decisions?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, my father gave up on Travis a long time ago, so he's not here, and my brother, who gave up on Travis also, is at home battling with his own demons.”

“What do you mean?”

“My brother worked with Brian, Natalie.”

“What?”

“My brother's name is Abraham, but he goes by Abe.”

“Oh, my God! Abe is your brother? He's been to the house before. He and Brian used to golf frequently. He's not gay too is he?”

I shook my head.

“Are you two close?”

“We used to be,” I said evenly. I didn't say anything more.

Noticing my reluctance to speak on that further, Natalie took my hand and smiled. “I'm glad I came.”

“I am too.”

Natalie looked toward the hall's entrance where a few people were standing outside smoking cigarettes. “I take it Travis had a lot of friends?”

“Yeah. I had no idea he had this many. If there's one thing I can say about the gay community I've learned thus far, it's that they really do support one another. I think Travis is resting easier knowing that his friends would be there for him.”

“I'm glad for him. You know, I found out something interesting about Brian.”

“What's that?”

“My mother-in-law told me that when he was thirteen, she found him masturbating to gay porno magazines.”

“Really?”

“Really. She said she beat him until he bled and that after that she never had a problem with him doing that again. She thought he was going through a phase then. I guess no one realized his phase took him all the way through adulthood. It's funny . . . I want to hate him so bad for everything, but I just can't, because he took care of his family. I can never say that he wasn't there when he was needed. Family was truly number one for him, and because of that, I'll always love him.” Natalie paused and took a breath. “Randy, I want to apologize for the pain Brian has caused all of you. I wish I could bring your brother back. I wish I could erase everything he did.”

“No apologies necessary, Natalie. My family is going to be fine. Nothing has really changed for us, although Abe's now been forced to accept the fact that being gay doesn't mean you're any less of a person. I think he had this stereotype about them and their lifestyle. I think he only saw negativity. And you know, at times I did too.” I put out my hand. “If anything, I hope I can say that I've gotten a new friend.”

Natalie smiled. “Definitely,” she said, giving me a hug.

We held onto one another for a few seconds more, and when we let go, Natalie smiled. “I'm going to go inside.”

“I'll be in soon. I need to do something first.”

Natalie walked off, leaving me alone. I looked up to the black sky again and said my own private good-bye to my brother. It was now his turn to watch out for me.

T
he day I told Abe good-bye had been the final part of my three-step process of letting my old life go. I'd come up with this three-step plan the night I followed him and verified that he was cheating on me. We were at the beach, taking advantage of one of my good days, when I'd made the decision to play detective. Abe thought I had been asleep and hadn't noticed his cell phone vibrating, but I wasn't. My eyes were closed and I was enjoying the sounds of the beach's activity; the waves breaking and crashing on the sand, children screaming happily, seagulls talking to each other in the sky above. I was at peace, enjoying it all until that call came. I had my eyes open just a fraction when he grabbed his cell and checked the caller ID. At first I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that it was a call he didn't want. But when he took the phone with him on his “stroll” on the beach, I knew right then and there that my fear and suspicions about my husband were valid.

When he came back and told me that he had to go in to work, I struggled to mask my hurt. My nerve was hurting, but it wasn't as bad as I let on, and when Abe left for the office, I waited a few minutes before I hopped in my car. I cried as I drove down Highway 95. I'd been trying to deny what I knew was the truth for so long. All of the signs had been there: late and extra weekend hours, showers after those hours, disinterest in sex. I was never blind to any of it. I just chose to deal with it because I knew that my affliction had been a strain on both of us.

I went searching for the truth that particular night because the day at the beach was supposed to be my day. I wanted to enjoy it, pain or no pain. To know that he couldn't give me that was the ultimate offense. That was the last time I would allow him to disappoint me.

I stayed hidden where I couldn't be seen and watched Abe go into the building alone. A few minutes later, the very person he was supposed to be going into work for, Taki, pulled into the lot. It was humid as hell and there was no rain, yet she'd been wearing a trench coat. I didn't need to see anymore. I left after that and devised my plan.

Step one was for me to have my surgery.

I wanted my life to change and the only way for that to happen was to get rid of the one thing that had truly been a roadblock to happiness and a normal life. I wanted to stop taking the medication day in and day out. I was fed up with the drugged-out feeling that had become the norm for me. I wanted to eat, talk, smile, and laugh without a care in the world. I went home that night and weighed the pros and cons and then decided that the risks were worth it.

Step two took place before and after the surgery.

I had to truly come to grips with Abe's infidelity. Even though I'd accepted the truth, I still had to search within myself to know that his cheating had not been my fault. Initially I started to beat myself up emotionally with negative thoughts, thinking that had I never gotten the neuralgia, Abe would have never cheated. Had I been able to do all of the things any other woman could do, he would have never strayed.

But as my spirit and self-esteem became stronger I realized that I was wrong on those and many other accounts. I came to understand that Abe's unfaithfulness had more to do with him being a weak man, than it did my being sick. I wasn't to blame and I'd be damned if I, or anyone else, tried to make me feel that way. Now that I'd had the surgery and had seen Abe for what he was—a pathetic excuse for a man, the time had come to move on to step number three.

I had to say good-bye to Abe and walk away from my marriage.

“Abe, I'm leaving.”

Abe looked at me with confusion in his eyes. “Leaving? What do you mean?”

“I know all about you and Taki,” I said evenly. I was determined to stay calm and not let my anger get the best of me. I wanted to stay above the ignorance I could have unleashed.

“Me and Taki? What are you talking about?”

I put up my hand.

“Before you go any further, let me just say that I went to Taki's home to confront the bitch, but she wasn't there, so I ended up having a nice, long conversation with her husband, who was actually there packing his things. I'm sure you know by now that he's leaving her.” Abe opened his mouth to respond but I wouldn't let him. “I've had it with your disrespect for me and the vows we made. When I woke up after the surgery and I didn't feel pain, I felt like almost all of the weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Almost. But there was just one more thing weighing me down that I needed to get rid of. You know what, Abe? That one thing was you. Pain or no pain, I deserved a man who would have stood strong by my side and never strayed. The vows say through sickness and health. When my sickness came you deserted me, just like you did Travis.”

I paused to catch my breath. It felt great to release my pain and anger.

“Nakyia . . . let me explain . . .”

“I don't want any explanations, Abe.”

“Baby, please . . . believe me, it's over between her and me. I want to be with you, Nakyia. Don't leave me now. I need you. Travis's death—”

“Means absolutely nothing to you. Don't you dare expect me to feel pity for you.”

“But Nakyia . . . you're better. You can do—”

“I can do what?” I asked, cutting him off. “I can suck your dick without it hurting me?”

“Come on, Nakyia. Be fair to me.”

“Be fair?”

“Yes! Damn it, you weren't the only one hurting, you know. I may not have been in pain but I lost something too. I lost a partner. Everything changed after the neuralgia! You, me, us—nothing was the same anymore.”

“Abe, you were the only one who changed. I was in pain, but through it all I remained the same person.”

“Oh, come on,” Abe screamed. “You were not the same person and you know it! You became a distant, unaffectionate, depressing person. It wasn't easy being around you. It wasn't easy being with someone that you couldn't kiss, couldn't talk to, and couldn't smile with. You were not the Nakyia I married!”

“How can you be so damn unfair and selfish? Do you think I asked for the neuralgia? Do you think I wanted it? I was in pain every waking day. Do you think I didn't want to smile? Do you think that I didn't want to do every normal thing that I used to do? How dare you accuse me of changing! How dare you throw that in my face! Abe, you could have been on your deathbed and I would have never, never left your side!”

“Nakyia—”

“Nakyia, nothing!” I screamed, as tears streamed down my cheeks. I'd reached my emotional breaking point and I could no longer fight back the turmoil I was feeling inside. “Go and be with Taki! You two are now free to fuck each other all you want!”

I grabbed my bag and when he tried to prevent me from leaving, I kneed him in his balls. He's lucky that's all I did.

Although it was tough in the beginning, I learned that I could be on my own and love life more than I'd ever loved it. Abe and his companionship were gone but I had my pride and dignity intact. Abe lost out. With my nerve problem gone, some lucky man was going to get the best of me.