In Too Deep (12 page)

W
hen Paul walked through my door I wanted to wrap my arms around him, but I held back. We'd spoken on the phone a lot since the last time he'd put me in the hospital. As usual, he apologized for what he'd done, and expressed yet again how his lashing out had to do with his growing frustrations about wanting to come out of the closet, but not being able to.

“It would ruin my career, Travis. All of the hard work and time I put into it, would be gone the minute I revealed my sexual preference. The relationships with my contacts would suffer. I'd lose the respect of my peers. I just don't want to go through that. These people know me as a hardworking, diligent, and reliable man. If I come out, they'll stop seeing me in that light, and they won't trust me.

“But besides the people I work with, there's also the matter of my family . . . especially my boys. You don't know what it's like to have sons looking up to you. I'm their idol, their role model. If I came out it would devastate them and I just can't do that to them. I love them too much to cause them pain that way.”

I felt for Paul.

I really did.

But like I'd told Randy, I was ready to make my ultimatum because quite frankly, I'd had enough of the sad song. If he wanted to be unhappy, then he could be unhappy without me. But if he wanted to live a life without shackles, then he would have to choose to make his great reappearance to the world. With either decision there'd be crosses to bear and someone would get hurt, because as far as I'd experienced, happiness never came free of charge. Like I said, I felt for him and his dilemma. But I was tired of being his whipping boy. It was time to truly become his man or just become his memory.

After a few gentle kisses hello, we sat at my table where I had his favorite dish waiting—stewed chicken with rice and beans and salad on the side. He brought white Zinfandel. We ate over candlelight and music in near silence and when we were finished, we held hands and made small talk. I drank in his manly features, fearing for the first time a life without him. Was I truly prepared to deal with him choosing the closet and his coworkers and family over me? I'd invested so much into him.

My time.

My energy.

My love.

My blood.

Damn it, I know his decision wasn't an easy one to make, but wasn't I worth it?

I pulled my hand away from his.

“Paul, I need to say something.”

He smiled at me. “What's up, queen?”

I blushed. I loved when he called me that.

I took a deep breath and let it out. “I'm not going to beat around the bush. I need you to make a decision. Either me or the closet.”

Paul's smiled immediately disappeared. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I can't go on being your secret anymore. I'm tired of it. I want all of you, not a third. I don't want to be your part-time lover anymore. I want you to come out of the closet. If you can't, then I'm moving on.”

“Travis, we've discussed this already. I have a wife and sons who look up to me. I have my reputation as a man. Damn it, my job and life are stressful enough as it is. I'm tired of going over this with you again and again. You're supposed to help me escape my problems, not cause more.”

“I'm not trying to cause you more problems, Paul. I just want to be fair to myself and fair to you.”

“Fair to me? How the hell is you giving me an ultimatum being fair?”

“Don't think of it as an ultimatum. Think of it as me giving you a chance to be truly happy.”

Paul laughed. “That's really funny, Travis.”

“There's so much more that I could give you, Paul, if you'd just open that door and let the world know who you are.”

He stood from the table. “I know who the hell I am.”

I slammed my palm down on the tabletop. “Then be with me!”

“I'm tired of this shit, Travis. I don't need this.”

I shook my head. I had wanted to talk rationally about things, but at the rate we were going, things were going to get physical again. I didn't want to go to the hospital but I couldn't and wouldn't back down.

“Then what do you want to do, Paul? You want to leave? You want to give me up?”

“You're leaving me no choice.”

“Fine. Since it's that easy for you.”

“It's not easy. But neither is coming out.”

“Well, don't worry about that anymore. You've obviously made your damn decision.”

“Don't raise your voice at me, Travis.”

“Oh, don't worry Paul, I won't. Believe me, I don't want to go to the hospital again.”

“I wasn't threatening you.”

“You don't have to!”

I stood up with tears threatening to brim in my eyes. I clenched down on my jaws and fought them back down, determined to not break down and cry in front of him. I took a breath to compose myself as my hands were shaking out of fear and anger. “Paul, before we go down our familiar road again, why don't you just get your things and leave. As a matter of fact, let me get your coat for you.”

I walked away from the table and walked slowly to the closet. It was over. I'd given him a choice, he made it, and now it was over. I grabbed his coat and was taking it off of the hanger, when I noticed his wallet fall from his pocket to the floor. I picked it up and looked over my shoulder at Paul, who was swallowing down the rest of his wine. He hadn't seen anything. I looked at the wallet and then back at him, and then slid it into my pocket.

“Here,” I said, tossing his coat to him.

“Travis, why don't we talk about this?”

“There's nothing to talk about. You made your decision and now I'm making mine. Get out.” I walked to the door and opened it.

“Just like that?”

“Just like you made it,” I said.

“I pay for this apartment you have, you know?”

I sucked my teeth and pursed my lips. “Don't worry, I'll leave.”

“I'm not asking you to leave.”

“Well then, I'll get a job and pay the rent my damn self.”

“Can you just give me some time?”

“You've had enough, and now it's expired. Good-bye.”

“Your loss,” Paul said, walking past me.

I slammed the door shut and then dug in my pants pocket and removed the wallet. “We'll see who loses what,” I said opening it and eyeing a wad of twenty-dollar bills.

I pocketed all fifteen that were in there and was about to pocket the few gold and platinum credit cards he had also, when I paused and thought about what I was doing. When the wallet initially fell, I'd made up my mind that I was going to take whatever was in it and take myself on a very nice shopping spree. But as I looked at the cash and cards, I thought about how easily Paul had walked away from me, and realized for the first time that he never truly loved me. If he had, he would have never been able to let go of what we had—or at least what I thought we had.

With the light having finally broken through the black clouds, I decided right then and there that I didn't want anything else from him. I took the cards and went to my window and threw them out, and watched them fall twelve floors to the street below to be found. I'm sure someone could put them to good use.

I won't lie . . . I did keep the cash. I was done with him, but that was three hundred dollars!

I tore up the rest of the miscellaneous papers in the wallet and removed his license to rip up and throw away also. But before I did, I took a quick glance at it; I just wanted to see his face one last time. However, my quick glance turned into a very long, unbelieving, bewildered stare. I opened and closed my eyes, thinking that maybe I'd seen something wrong. But I hadn't.

M
y cell phone rang again, making it the third time in the past three hours it had done that. I looked at ID screen; just like the last time, Randy's number was there. He just wouldn't give up. I grabbed my phone and thought about answering it. I missed him badly. Maybe just one time I would speak to him.

Maybe.

But before I could answer it, the call ended. I put the phone down and went back to doing the reminiscing I was doing before the call. That's all I seemed to be doing lately.

Thinking about old times with Randy and Jalisa.

Thinking about the happiness they brought to me.

Thinking about the way they made me smile.

Thinking about the completion I felt when I was with them.

Thinking about the future that I envisioned.

I couldn't stop thinking about any of those things and more, and honestly, I didn't want to stop. I sighed and promised myself that the next time he called I would answer, because it was time to stop thinking. An hour later the phone rang again and I didn't hesitate.

“What do you want, Randy?” I said with attitude; I was ready to give us another chance, but I wasn't about to make it easy for him.

“Hi, Monique!”

“Jalisa?”

“Yup,” she answered back sweetly.

A smile immediately formed from my lips. “How are you, little lady?”

“Fine. I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” I said.

“How come you don't live here anymore? Did I do something wrong?”

I sighed. I'd been meaning to say good-bye to her, or at least try to explain things in a way she would understand, but because I didn't want to see Randy and because I couldn't bring myself to finalize anything, I'd never called. I wiped tears away from my eyes.

“Are you there, Monique?”

“I'm here, baby.”

“Are you crying?”

I smiled and nodded my head. She was so perceptive. “Yes I am.”

“Why? Did I do something?”

“No, no. Never, Jalisa. I'm crying because I'm happy. I've missed you so much.”

Jalisa giggled, melting my heart. “Are you coming back home?”

“I don't know. I have to talk to your father.”

“Daddy says you're mad at him. He says he did the wrong things. I told him to do the right thing like you and Daddy always told me to do.”

“Did he follow your advice?” I asked.

“I don't think so, because you're not here.”

“Is your daddy there?”

There was a pause and then Jalisa said, “Yup.”

“Can I speak to him?”

There was another pause, and this time I heard Jalisa whisper loudly, “She wants to speak to you.” Then she put the receiver back to her mouth. “Yup. Monique, are you coming over?”

“I don't know, baby.”

There was another pause as Jalisa consulted her adviser. “Can you come over?” she asked.

I smiled. Very clever.

“Let me talk to your father first.”

“Pleeeeease? Pretty pleeeeeeeeease!”

I smiled and wiped more tears away. How could I have said no to an angel like that?

“Okay, I'll come over.”

“Today?”

“Yup.”

“Yaaay! She's coming, Daddy. She's coming!”

I couldn't help but laugh. “Put your daddy on for me now, honey.”

“Okay. Bye. See you when you get here!”

I heard a muffling noise as Randy covered the phone with his palm. A few seconds later, he said, “Hey.”

Goose bumps rose at the sound of his voice. It felt good to hear it live and not on a message.

“That was low, using Jalisa like that.”

“I had no choice. I miss you.”

I couldn't lie. “I miss you too.”

“Did you get my messages?”

“All fifteen hundred of them.”

“So you know that nothing happened between Tina and me?”

“That's what you say.”

“It's the truth. I never asked for her to come over.”

“Randy, I really don't want to go into that again.”

“Jalisa wants to know what time you're coming over.”

“Tell Jalisa I will be there at seven o'clock.”

“She wants to know if you can make it eight?”

I smiled and wiped away a new wave of happy tears.

“Tell her eight o'clock will be fine.”

I hung up the phone and went upstairs to get ready. I also packed an overnight bag.

A
fter my bout with Taki I stopped at the flower shop on my way home and bought a bouquet of roses for Nakyia. I was feeling good. I'd saved my job and I'd shown Taki that she didn't have control over everything. I didn't mind that Brian now knew about my affair with her. He and I were in the same boat: we were men and we had needs. Besides, I had a feeling the “camaraderie” could help me out in the future. My meeting with him lasted for two hours. It took a half hour to go over my situation; the rest of the time was spent bullshitting about women and golf. We had a lot more in common than I realized. We both had a weakness for fine women, we both loved Escalades, and someday when we grew up, we wanted to be just like Tiger Woods. I also found out that he didn't really respect Taki.

“She's a nice piece of scenery to look at, and it's cheaper than having a man in her position.”

I pulled into the driveway, cut the engine and looked myself over in the mirror, checking for signs of Taki. Once I was satisfied that everything was cool, I grabbed the flowers and headed inside. Nakyia had been having a hard time with her neuralgia lately, and I wanted to try and do something to ease the stress from her mind. I wanted to take her out to eat, but I knew she wouldn't go for that. I figured a bouquet of long-stemmed red roses would help to bring a smile.

“Hey lady,” I said, closing the door behind me. Nakyia was sitting on the couch on her laptop.

She looked up after a spasm of pain passed. “Hey yourself, handsome. Are those for me?”

I walked over to her and handed her the roses. “For my queen.” I gave her a kiss on her forehead.

She put the laptop aside and got up from the couch, taking the roses into the kitchen. She came back a few seconds later and wrapped her arms around me and planted her lips on mine. I immediately pulled back.

“What are you doing? Are you trying to have another spasm of pain?”

“I've been having a good day,” she said with a smile. “I miss kissing you. Don't hold back.”

She pulled me back toward her and kissed me again, and I instantly became erect. If there was one thing that Nakyia never failed to do, it was excite me. I pulled her down to the floor and removed the T-shirt and shorts she was wearing. I paused for a moment to admire her body. She didn't go to the gym religiously like Taki did, but her body was no less spectacular. I traced her curves with my fingertips, making bumps rise from her skin. Nakyia moaned in a way I hadn't heard her in a long while. She began to touch herself as I caressed her breasts with my hands and tongue. I watched her performance and felt compelled to join her. After I removed my clothing, I did. We continued with our self-indulgence until Nakyia said, “Fuck me, Abraham.”

Taking advantage of her good day, I did as she requested, and fucked her on the floor. I savored the feel of her beneath me as we moved in time to a muted melody. After a few minutes, Nakyia climbed on top of me and began to ride. Looking down at me, she whispered breathlessly, “Thrust harder.”

I did.

“Push deeper!” she insisted.

I did.

“Fuck me faster!” she moaned.

I moved like the Tasmanian Devil on speed.

I followed her every command silently, and enjoyed the moment of uninhibited passion we shared. It had been too long since we had made love like that. I moaned along with her as goose bumps rose from my skin. We danced our dance until we both exploded, Nakyia first, and then me. When we were finished, we lay spent on the floor in each other's arms.

After a few minutes of satisfied silence, she said, “That was incredible.”

“You were incredible.”

“I want to make love like that all the time,” she said softly.

“I wish we could.”

“We'll be able to soon.”

“What do you mean?”

Nakyia lifted her head and stared at me. “I'm tired of having this nerve problem. I'm tired of the pain, tired taking the medicine. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not normal.”

“Baby, you are normal.”

“I don't feel like it, Abe. I can't do what the average person can do without having to suffer. I'm twenty-eight years old and I can't enjoy simple things like talking or eating. It's like I'm handicapped, only I don't have a sign.”

“Baby, I know it's not easy, but what can you do? You can't stop taking the medication.”

“Honey, I want to have the microvascular decompression procedure done.”

“I thought we'd ruled that out.”

“I know we discussed it, but I've been doing a lot of research on it. It's my only chance at having a normal life.”

“But, Nakyia, what about the risks? You could lose hearing in your ear, the right side of your face could be numb forever, or worse, you could have a stroke and die.”

“Honey, I know all about the risks and their probabilities, but that doesn't change my mind. I can't deal with this anymore. This nerve problem has disrupted my life in so many ways. Worst of all, it's disrupted us. I want to be able to make love like that all the time. But I want to be able to do it without wondering in the back of my head when the pain is going to hit me. I want to be able to go out with you again and not have to worry about how I look in public. I want you to not have to worry about holding back with me.”

“Are you sure about this? I mean, for all intentional purposes, this is brain surgery we're talking about.”

“I've already made my appointment and I have a plane ticket leaving for Pittsburgh, PA in three days to meet with the specialist to discuss when I can have the surgery done.”

I nodded my head. “I'll get my ticket tomorrow.”

Nakyia shook her head. “No. I want to go alone. Like they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

“True.”

She gave me a kiss and rose from the floor and grabbed her clothing. “You know, after the surgery, life is going to change dramatically. It'll be a time to be happy again.” She smiled and then headed upstairs.

I remained on the floor for a few minutes as I thought about the reality of her being without the disorder. My affair with Taki surfaced because of the neuralgia. Now, after experiencing some of the wildest and freakiest sex I'd ever had, would I be able to walk away from Taki and the convenience of having the one I loved at home and the one I fucked whenever I wanted? Although being with Taki was a risk and she did have feelings for me, I couldn't deny that I was hooked on what she was willing to give and do.

My train of thought was broken when Nakyia called out my name. She wanted seconds and I didn't mind obliging her at all. Today was certainly a good day. Maybe a lifetime of good days would be enough.