In the Rearview (11 page)

You cut me down

With your lies

And your name calling

I cut me

With my blade

And my knife

I do it for different reasons

Than you do

But we are essentially

Doing the same thing

We both succeed

In hurting me

And we both can

Cut me to the core

You told a lie

You made me cry

Shame on me

For believing

Your slippery tongue

Your sharpened wit

Your razor-sharp cruelty

Set me up for pain

I should have

Seen it coming

And run the other way

But I didn't

Probably couldn't

I was captured

By the root of

All your evil

I plead

Silently

With my

Hopeful eyes

I beg

For you

To see

In me

What I

Try to hide

Please understand

Why I

Ask you

Without words

It's hard

For me

To speak

Sometimes

But I'm

Standing here

In front

Of you

Begging you

To save me

From what

I fear

Is coming

After me

I beg for you

To save

Me from me

I want to stop

I hope I will

But sitting here

With the blade so close

I'm not sure that I can

I hope that you can help me

I want you to be able to

But I'm not so sure you can

The rain falls

The clouds form

Every time

I do this to myself

But someday

The clouds will run

The sun will shine again

And I won't have to do what I do

Every time I feel the need

Someday the rain will

Go back where it came from

I start

To build

The confidence

That I need

To stop

This thing

I'm starting

To feel better

And with

Every day

That I feel

A little better

I think that

There is

A light

At the end of the tunnel

As I build

The confidence

That I need

The light I see

Gets brighter

Two steps forward and one step back: Still moving forward

Dear Diary,

Somehow I did it. I don't even know how.

But all of a sudden, it's been two months since I've cut myself. I didn't even realize the days were adding up until I noticed the scars were suddenly so faint. As odd as it sounds, that is something I take great pride in
. I haven't done it for any reason. I haven't done it to feel better. I haven't done it to feel in control. I haven't done it to release anything. I've been strong. I've hesitated before breaking down. I've learned to deal with my feelings in a much better way. I have done well without my crutch.

I have started to grow up.

I haven't done it alone though. I've had my supportive friends. There are still only a few who know, but the ones that do are the ones who have helped me to stop. I feel bad I rely so heavily on them sometimes. I call them when I need someone to talk to. I talk to them instead of doing it. But I think they understand. They know I'm not doing it to be annoying or ask too much of them. I am just trying to get over this. Put it behind me and move on.

So far so good.

And the longer I hold off, the easier it gets to refrain.

The longer I resist temptation, the stronger and better I feel.

In a world of darkness

You are my shining star

You are my hope

In this crazy world

You've helped me through bad times

And laughed with me through good

You stayed with me through thick and thin

And when times were dark and dim

And I was all alone

You were my ray of hope

And helped me along the way

There were hard times

And some good

But you were by my side

Through them all

It's good to have someone

To cry with

When you're sad

And someone

To yell with

When you're mad

You've always been there for me

And I just want to thank you

It's been a while since I've seen your face

Heard your voice

Been to your place

I miss our midnight talks

Our moonlight walks

Our comfy couches

Our empty purse pouches

I miss crying with you

And talking with you

But most of all I miss

Just being with you

Cast down your pride

Cast down your caution

Throw down your inhibitions

Throw down your fear

Cast down the risks

And open your heart to me

Cast her down

And pick me today

Turn around

And choose me

Look into my eyes

And love me instead

 

Dear Diary,

I know it won't always be easy, but why does it have to be so hard to resist sometimes?

I've had some increasingly bad moments lately, and the temptation has been horribly strong. I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes. I don't want to break my streak of refraining. But sometimes it feels like I will explode. I've had to take sleeping medication the last two nights, just to stop myself.

I don't want to replace one problem with another, but if I'm sleeping I can't cut.

The urges seem the worst at night. If I've had a bad day, the frustrations just seem to pile up by the time I'm alone in my room. Plus, as I lie in bed, after dinner, after homework, all I have is myself. I start thinking about it, and then I can't get the thought out of my head. The TV is usually a decent distraction, but not if the want hits too strong.

I know I'm doing what I can, and I'm proud of myself for that, but it isn't as easy as I'd hoped. Somehow, I thought once I stopped, every problem related to the cutting would just go away. I was stupid to think it would all disappear.

That's definitely not the case.

Everyone talks about hindsight, but I never truly believed in that saying. Until now. When I started this, I didn't know it would be a challenge to stop. How stupid I was. If I could go back and convince myself to do something else, to talk to someone instead, to just be smarter, I absolutely would. I'd smack that idea right out of my head. I just didn't realize at the time I was trading one issue for another.

But so far, I've been strong. I've held onto the thought of being able to say I've quit for good. That's an honestly happy idea. No faking this time.

My friends have helped too. Each day is a little bit better than the last.

It would just be nice if they were a little easier.

Temptation is evil

She's a beautiful beast

Drawing me ever nearer

Whispering in my ear

How much fun it would be

To just give in

How I would feel better after

That it's futile to resist

I push her away

And turn my back

But she never totally leaves

She lingers and waits

Trying to sneak in when I'm weak

Will she ever go away

Can I ever conquer her

Or will she tempt me

Forever

The sky falls above me

The ground crumbles below me

And I'm left standing alone

In the middle of nothingness

Without a friend

Without anything but my mistakes

They keep me company

They taunt me

They teach me not to repeat

What I can never undo

The light

It's there

I can see it

Far away

A pinprick

Of hope

It might be

A ways out

But it's there

Beckoning me on

Encouraging

My strength

Asking me

To keep trying

Reminding me

It's never

Completely dark

Worry

Doubt

Frustration

Confusion

These are the colors of my world

These are the friends I know

They hold my hand

They lead me on

They never let me go

I stopped

It's done

Completely finished

But never totally goes away

Even if I never fall again

I'll remember how it was

I have my mistakes

With me always

But I can use them to learn

To remind me how I overcame

What I've lost and given up

Doesn't have to be so bad

I must remember

How strong I am

And what I have gained

Because part of me

Is who I was before

 

“There are so many better things for me to be doing.”

Meagan was sitting in Sarah's basement. The two had been talking for hours. She had told Sarah a few weeks ago about her self-harm. She hadn't meant to, because generally she only discussed it with other cutters. They always understood. Outsiders often donned an instant tone of disgust or disapproval in their eyes, and despite their best efforts to hide their judgment under kind and supportive words, she could still see a shade of horror and bias she preferred not to be colored with.

Meagan could always tell what was underneath, what they felt inside. It was an ability she wouldn't mind losing, as it had often left her feeling hurt. She had no desire to be gazed down upon with false superiority. Everyone made mistakes, and everyone had secrets that would be disgusting to others. No one was perfect, and no one was above doing the wrong thing sometimes.

But despite all of the effort Meagan put into hiding her scars, Sarah had found out, and the accidental revelation of her secret was never fun. She hated telling anyone, even people she cared about and should probably be telling. But after it was done, she was happier. Sarah had been a good person to tell. Meagan had wondered several times since that first conversation, why she had kept it from Sarah for so long.

“I agree. You have so many strengths and talents you can rely on instead of cutting. You deserve a lot more credit than you tend to give yourself.”

Sarah had a kind heart Meagan cherished.

“Sometimes I have a hard time remembering that, but I'm working on it.” Meagan couldn't completely wipe the grimace from her face. It felt permanent. She was constantly full of self-doubt. She judged herself more than anyone else ever could, and she berated every incorrect move.

“Do you think it would be helpful to make a list?”

Meagan tried not to laugh, but a snicker slipped out.

“Wait. I know it sounds dumb, but hear me out.”

“I'm sorry.” Meagan shrugged an additional apology.

“I just think if you write down everything you can do instead of cutting into one long list, then you won't need to fall to those temptations. You'll always have another viable choice.” Sarah's excitement filled her voice.

“Would you help me? I'm not sure I could make a good enough one on my own.” Again Meagan doubted her abilities.

“Of course I'll help! What are friends for? We can do it right now!” Sarah's grin spread wide as she watched Meagan gather paper and a pen.

“Yeah? You wouldn't be bored?”

“No, absolutely not. And then when we finish, you can keep it with you all the time, so you're prepared whenever you feel weak.”

“You are such a good friend. I'm so sorry I didn't come clean to you sooner. I just didn't think you'd understand. Now I see how stupid that was.”

“I know. I get why you kept it from me. I bet most people don't understand. I'm just sorry I didn't see the signs earlier.”

Sarah frowned for a fraction of a second, and she wondered what Sarah was thinking about. Was she frowning about her own behavior or Meagan's?

With their apologies out of the way, the two started brainstorming a list of activities Meagan could rely on instead of sharp objects.

“I know you love to write, so I am going to put that right at the top.”

“That's perfect. Can you add
Hang out with friends
?”

“And
Watch a happy movie
.”

Meagan and Sarah took turns thinking of distraction tools to add to the list.

“Go on a walk.”

“This is perfect!”

When it was finished, Meagan read it over before folding it and slipping it into her pocket.

 

****

 

Write

Be with friends

Be with family

Watch a movie

Watch TV

Read

Listen to music

Go on a walk

Go on a bike ride

Play a game

Sew

Knit

Paint

Be creative

Go shopping

Call someone

Go to the park

Go swimming

Be happy

Hug someone

Smile

 

****

 

Meagan pulled the worn paper out of her pocket and reread it for the hundredth time. Sarah had helped her more than she knew. She'd opened and used the list almost every day.

Somehow it always brought comfort and calm to Meagan, knowing she had other options. She felt in control of the decisions she made, and she felt safer understanding there wasn't only one to make. Some of her struggle for control had been placed in healthier decisions, and that was a wonderful feeling.