In My Head (28 page)

Ben gives me a strange look. “Okay, care to share what it is you want to do?”

“After I have this baby, I was wondering if you were okay with me getting another tattoo?” I glance at him out of the side of my eyes, trying to gauge his reaction. I’ve been kind of walking on egg shells around everyone because they have been doing the same. They’re afraid of any breakdown that may happen, and I do it just because I want everyone to stop hovering over me.

He laughs. “You don’t need my permission to get another tattoo. You know that. What are you thinking?”

I breathe in. This is what might make me choke up. “I want the word ‘remember’ on the top of my hand, like from my wrist to my thumb with a little compass before the letter r.”

My husband starts to nod. He reaches over to take my hand in his and gives me a small squeeze. “I think that’s a perfect idea.” Facing forward again, he puts his eyes back on the road.

Not that I need the tattoo to really move on from what’s happened, but it is a huge part of my everyday life. And I never want to forget what happened. I want the tattoo to be my anchor to this reality.

I just want to go back to when I was the me living in the present, not the me who wants to relive the past. The past is right where it should stay, behind me. I just want to live my life the way
I
want to live it. Without fear of wondering if what’s in my head is happening or just a memory.

My Dearest Ben,

I feel like needing to put down on paper what the past four months have been like. First, I need to say that I adore every inch of you. You staying by my side and helping me to cope with our new reality has made me love you even more. I didn’t think I could possibly love you anymore than I did.

I carry around a lot of guilt from this summer. I know you understand and that it didn’t really happen. But, in my head, it happened. It was very real to me. From the minute I found out I was pregnant until waking up in the hospital and finally learning the truth I thought this baby could possibly not be yours. I lived with the knowledge daily thinking I might have had to explain to you why our new baby had blue eyes, instead of green or brown.

For that, I am truly sorry and I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to let that go completely.

I still feel like I betrayed you.

I would never cheat on you, I know that. That’s not who I am. But, God, Ben for a long time I thought I was. It’s not that easy to let go of that. I felt like at any moment I was going to lose my entire family.

And in one instant my entire reality changed. I found out that all of my indiscretions have just been memories. I’m so grateful to you, for being so understanding in my need to talk to Silas. He’s been essential to helping me understand everything about Bronson. He’s shed a lot of light on what Bronson was really like. I feel like I no longer hold him on this pedestal. He took up so much of my head space that I don’t know how I functioned normally.

But Silas has really helped me. Meeting their parents has helped me too. It turns out that Bronson was really into drugs. He owed a lot of big time druggies a lot of money. And I just so happened to be in the car when they decided to track him down.

My parents tell me they’ll never forgive themselves for not telling me, but I get that they were trying to protect me from a lot. Especially with retribution since I was a loose end. But, with no memory I wasn’t a problem.

Bronson’s dad, who is an attorney, found out who caused the accident and put them behind bars for life. They won’t be seeing the outside of prison until they’re buried six feet under.

Every day is less of a struggle, every day I learn more about how strong of a person I am.

And I’m so happy to have you by my side.

I want to be a person that I’m proud to be. I want to be worthy of calling myself your wife. I want to be back to our normal. Your unwavering support in this is remarkable for what all
you’ve
had to learn to deal with.

I love you, always,

Lyla

A Note From the Author

Some of you may know that I’m adopted, by my grandparents. I grew up knowing that my biological brother was really my father. I spent my entire life, trying to live up to what expectations he had of me. I just wanted him to be proud of me, whether he was technically my dad or not.

In the past five years, I believe my kids have seen him a handful of times. And he lived two miles up the road for three of those years. I swear that it’s in his DNA to just be an asshole who doesn’t care about anything or anyone but himself.

I haven’t spoken to him in close to a year now. Every time I do speak to him I’m just setting myself up for disappointment. He never held his end of anything. I was always the one to reach out to him. I was always the one trying to make plans with him. Nothing was ever followed through.

He stopped answering my phone calls. So I sent him a message on Facebook and told him to keep himself out of my life, that I was beyond done.

And I don’t regret that for anything.

I don’t have time for people who don’t care about me. I don’t have the inclination to reach out to someone who so clearly doesn’t want anything to do with their own flesh and blood. I couldn’t imagine what my life would have been like if I was stuck with him as an actual father. I believe that he was never truly meant to be a father. But only to help others have more joy in their lives.

He brought my grandparents, his parents, a joy they had never experienced. My grandparents have always been my parents, they will never be just my grandparents. They are the people who took me when I was fourteen months old and took me into their lives and gave me the best possible life I could have.

I will always be grateful for them. They are still, to this day, my heroes and I love them with everything I am. They made me the person I am today.

I know hate is a strong word, but I can truly say that I hate my biological father. He is a pathological liar and nothing to me. I’m sad that I spent most of life wanting the love of a person that doesn’t know how to love anyone. Not even himself.

So that’s my life in a small nutshell. And part of why I wrote this book.

Thank you for giving this book a shot. I truly hope you loved the ride, and don’t hate me too much!!

Acknowledgments

I sometimes hate writing these, because I feel like I always forget someone. Lol!

First and foremost, Ryan. My husband. You put up with a lot of crap from me, and then I go and get lost in writing my next book. I ignore you, snap at you, make you fend for yourself, and entertain the kids. I LOVE YOU!

Alyne, you have listened to me whine and complain about this book. Letting me talk things through and talking me off a lot of ledges. Love you!

Missy! You are a Godsend of an Angel editor! LOL You have been extra flexible with me and pushing this back a million times. I appreciate you more than you’ll ever know!!!!

Crazy Bitch Squad, you all are crazy!!! Always a sounding board if I needed to talk something through or couldn’t figure out how to word something. And just complain about life in general! Love you guys!

Michelle, I love you! Your brutal honesty is amazing! Our conversations we have are nothing short of inappropriate 99% of the time, but I love it!

Susan, I can’t wait until you come back down for a visit, or we come up there! Boys included! Be ready! Lol! Love you!

Jill, thank you for everything you’ve done and will do for me! I appreciate it soooo much! <3

Betas, thank you so much for everything! Reading on such a short schedule! THANK YOU!

Finally, all of the readers and bloggers for taking a chance on this book. It means the world to me that you read this. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it!

About the Author

Ohio native. Loves Ohio State Buckeye football and Cleveland Indians baseball. Mother of two little boys. Wife. Romance author. Coffee and Dr. Pepper addict. Hair stylist in the real life.