In My Head (10 page)

After some time passes, I finally hear the woman talk. “Excuse me, can you tell me what time it is?”

I glance over at her and then back down at my phone in my hand. “It’s almost four o’clock.”

“Ugh, thank you.” Her obvious annoyed tone makes me look harder at her. She looks around the park, looking super paranoid. “I’m waiting for someone to meet me, but he said he wasn’t sure if he was going to be late or not. And that if he didn’t show ten minutes after the time we agreed on then I needed to leave.”

Confusion sweeps through me. Realization instantly follows. This is a drug deal I bet. “Oh, okay. Well, I hope he shows.” What am I thinking?
I hope he shows.
The best thing for this girl is if he doesn’t show. But then maybe meeting in a park is smart. Less cops hang out here and all that.

“Yeah, for my sake I hope he shows.” She moves her ahead looking in every direction. “So, are any of the kids out there yours?”

I turn my head in the direction of Kay’s excited squeals. “Yeah, that little girl over there in the hot pink outfit.”

A sad smile appears on this girl’s face. “She’s so cute.”

A surprised chuckle leaves me mouth. “Yeah, she is super cute. But you can’t let all of that fool you. She’s a handful most days.”

She stands up from her bench and moves over to sit next down next to me. “Hey, handsome. How are you?” She starts cooing at Kody, talking to him in the universal baby talk everyone seems to do around little kids. It’s also super annoying most days.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name. I’m Lyla.”

“I’m Sophie.” She continues cooing at Kody, who looks like he’s just eating this shit up.

“I should have a baby right now. Maybe I would be able to quit if I had a purpose.” By quit I assume she means quit using drugs. From the looks of her I think quitting would be in her best interest. Her brown hair holds no shine whatsoever, there are dark circles under her eyes, and she is as skinny as she could possibly be.

“Sometimes you need to make your own purpose. Find what you’re needed for in this life. Not leave it up to chance. You need to trust your heart.”

“Have you ever used?” She returns her attention to me, looking intently at me.

“No, I can honestly say I’ve never used.”

“Do you ever feel so trapped and weighed down by everything and nothing at the same time? Do you feel like you just want to break free of all the chains holding you back? When I get high it’s unlike anything else I’ve ever felt. The feeling of all your worries and cares just gone, if only for a short time.”

“Do you think it’s worth it, if it only works for a short amount of time?” But the more that she talks the more that I feel like she’s saying everything that I feel. Every thought I feel on repeat on a daily basis. And then I surprise myself. “What all do you do?”

She gives me a worried look. “Why?”

“I’m just wondering. Perverse curiosity.”

“Curiosity killed the cat, you know?”

Slowly blinking, I focus all of my attention on her. “I know. But I think this cat is far to weighed down to care.”

“I’ve snorted coke and shot up with heroin. I started by just smoking weed, but it turned out to be not enough to turn my brain off. Coming down is worse with the harder stuff, but if I can just keep up with it then I’m fine.”

“How much does this stuff cost?”

“It just depends on how much you want.” She glances around again, looking for her guy.

I turn my head to glance too, I kind of want to see this guy. “If I just wanted to sample it?”

“I think it’s twenty for just a small bag of coke. Oh, there he is now. Do you want some?”

I purse my lips. That’s the million-dollar question now isn’t it? Do I want to go down this road? Do I really want to jeopardize everything? I sit still for a second, contemplating my options. Finally shaking my head, she shrugs then grabs my phone out of my hands and adds her number into my phone.

“If you change your mind, you have my number. Just call me.” And with that she’s off to her dealer.

He’s about one-hundred yards away. And doesn’t look at all like how I imagined a drug dealer would look. This guy is one-hundred percent as nerdy as they come. But it’s always the quiet ones you have to worry about, right? He’s wearing a blue oxford shirt that’s tucked into khaki pants. His hair is cropped short on the sides but he has a mess of curls on the top that look seriously unkempt. Like he’s run his hands through it a million times already today.

And in just a few short minutes Sophie has her drugs and she’s on her way back to wherever she came from. I look down at Kody who is contentedly playing with his toys, banging them together and squealing in delight. Jesus, what the hell was I doing even considering this.

Even though I don’t feel remotely like myself, I honestly don’t think I could ever do drugs to make myself feel good for just a moment.

“BABE, WHAT’RE YOU
doing up there?” Ben yells up the stairs at me. When we came home from the park, I instantly found Kay something to do in her room. I’m trying to teach her how to clean up after herself. It isn’t going well, but it’s a work in progress. Then I came into our room thinking about taking a shower, to wash all of this guilt off of me.

“Going to the bathroom, I’ll be down in a minute.” I shut the door and walk into the bathroom and stand there for a moment before I flush the toilet. Making my story plausible.

Walking out of the bathroom and heading back downstairs, I try to keep my mind off of everything. Normally I would be vehemently against all drug use. But I can see its appeal.

There has to be something else I can do, something not so drastic to make me feel a little better. I have wine in the fridge, I’ve already eaten dinner so an evening glass of wine would work. Or maybe two glasses.

Making my way into the kitchen, I go straight to the wine glasses and then grab a bottle of wine. Pouring myself a generous glass. Hopefully this will help take the edge off.

“Hey, babe, come sit on the couch with me.” Ben is leaning kind of off to the side on the couch and he’s patting the spot in front of him. I walk over and grab one of the pillows and place it opposite from him against the arm. Laying back on the pillow, I put my feet in his lap. “I’m not sure I meant I wanted your feet on me.”

I laugh despite myself. “Then you should have been more specific.”

Shaking his head, he puts his arm over my legs and starts flipping through the channels. I close my eyes and enjoy the peace and quiet. Focusing on just sipping my wine, so don’t I just dump the entire contents down my throat.

“Hey, look at this. It’s Coach Carter. Isn’t that the movie we went to the movies and watched on one of our dates?”

Opening my eyes I glance over at the TV. Sure enough that is the movie. “Yeah, I don’t think we really watched a lot of it, though.”

He smirks at me and this look fills his eyes. A look that tells me he’s thinking about what we did in the back of that movie theater so many years ago. “We could try to watch it again?”

Snorting, I reply, “Ben Morris. I know you, you just want to try to repeat history.”

“Well, duh. My wife is hot, why wouldn’t I?” He starts to slide his hand up my legs, and takes my wine from me. Leaning forward he places it on the coffee table. When he leans back he lays down on his side next to me. His hands caressing as he comes closer to my face.

“What do you say? For old time’s sake?” He asks me in a low voice.

I just lean forward and kiss my husband.

IT’S BEEN A
couple weeks since I’ve seen Bronson. I’ve been avoiding that park like the plague. Embarrassed that I almost let him kiss me and even more embarrassed that I ran away from him. He’s probably happy he hasn’t seen me. But I miss the peace that the park brings me.

So I’m going back out there today. But I’m going early in the morning so I can hopefully get some walking done and I can get out of there before he shows up. I purposely stay away from the sitting area that has become our spot. Not giving in to the temptation to go there and sit down to wait.

Lord knows I would if given the chance. Why I didn’t find somewhere else to walk, I’ll never know.

I end up making my own trail and head back through a wooded area that has obviously never been walked through. I’m hoping I can discover a new spot for myself. And after walking about a mile I come to another opening. This one has a pond on one side and an old covered train bridge on the other.

Stepping out of the woods, I walk towards the pond first. Bodies of water fascinate me and I like looking into them to see what is swimming around. I glance around the clearing and notice all of the wild flowers.

Then I notice the bridge, gasping, I cover my mouth. The bridge is covered with brightly colored graffiti. Forgetting the pond, I head towards the bridge instead. My eyes darting over the paint, taking in all the designs covering it. The different colors, and the angry strokes that make up each piece.

I have to climb up a small hill to get to the bridge. I’m slightly out of breath when I reach the top. Walking forward to stand in the center of the bridge, I turn around to take everything in.

This bridge looks like it’s been out of working order for a very long time. Where the railroad ties would be, there is nothing but grass. There are vines that are growing up some of the posts, covering up some of the beautiful artwork.

I walk to the very center of the structure, out where there is no covering from the sun. I put my arms out at my sides and tip my head up towards the sky, soaking up as much sunshine as possible.

After standing there for a few minutes, I decide to lie down. The grass is surprisingly soft and it doesn’t take long for me to relax down into it. Arms out to the side, eyes closed, and nothing but peace and quiet. Exactly what I wanted.

And with this being away from the normal path, I really don’t think I have to worry about anyone finding me.

But that’s exactly what happens.

I’m going to have to demand he put a bell on, because out of nowhere I hear my name. I didn’t even hear him walk up. Apparently I was too far relaxed.

“How’d you find this place?” He throws a bag down onto the ground, but I don’t bother opening my eyes.

“Probably the same way you did.”

“You’ve been avoiding me.” Bronson doesn’t say it as a question, he just states it. Like it’s a fact. He’s not far from the truth.

“I had stuff going on. I came out here today because I needed time to myself. You know, quiet.”

“Oh, and I’m disturbing that aren’t I?” He has a slight attitude when he says that.

Peeking open one eye, I see that he sat down right next to my head, he’s just staring at me. He doesn’t look mad, which is good. But it’s not like it really matters. “Yes, actually you are.”

Nodding he doesn’t say anything just turns so that way he can lie down next to me. I just shake my head and close my eyes again, content in my plan to ignore him as long as he doesn’t talk we should be fine.

But, the thing is, I can’t ignore him. The heat radiating off him is nothing like what I feel from the sun. I open my eyes again, and try to get away with looking at him without getting caught. He has his arms folded up under his head, his chest level with my head.

It’s like he has a red X on his chest, right where my head would lay if I wanted to rest on him. He’s so close that I can smell his cologne, it’s scent enough to pull my body closer unconsciously. I scoot a tiny bit closer to him, hopefully stealthily. I seriously don’t want to be caught. That would be inherently more embarrassing than me throwing myself at him.

I hear him shift around though, and I feel the arm that’s closest to me stretch out above my head. I freeze, waiting for him to stop moving. Then take a deep breath. This is so fucking stupid. I don’t know why I let him affect me this way. I don’t know why I don’t get up and leave.

I must have gotten lost in my thoughts because I feel his hand touch the top of my head. He then urges me to come closer to him and pulls my head to his chest. I resist at first, even though this is exactly what I wanted. When he starts running his hands through my hair, I immediately relax.