Imminence (18 page)

“I can do better,” she muttered. “I have to do much better.”

She tried to concentrate her thoughts on the wolf. She created an image of it in her mind. Of its soft, snowy white fur. Its pointed ears, its muzzle and tail. She tried to direct all her thoughts to the wolf’s being and concentrated, preparing for the shift. Her eyes flashed dangerously and she felt a strange tickling in her face. She also felt an irresistible urge to drop on her knees and howl. Clarissa stared at her reflection in the mirror, but apart from the eyes there was no sign of change. She scoffed and let herself slump down and lay on the floor. She wrapped herself in her bathrobe and her self-pity. Why wasn’t she capable of anything more? No matter how she tried she could only change the color of her eyes.

Slowly her eyes filled with tears and fierce sobs racked her body. She heard Ciall knock quietly on the door but couldn’t bring herself to answer. The door was opened and closed swiftly. Nothing repelled men more effectively than a woman’s tears, and it evidently made no difference whether the man was actually human or not. Finally Clarissa had cried herself into exhaustion. She still felt weepy but no more tears fell down her cheek. She lay very still and listened. Voices carried to her room from downstairs like the hum of bees. She couldn’t make out the words but from time to time she distinguished the voices of her mother and father. Adam’s low, hoarse voice was clearly irritated. Clarissa tried to sharpen her hearing, but it was difficult. Try as she might, she couldn’t hear what the others were discussing. As if it were all that hard to guess, she thought.

Clarissa lay down in a state between sleep and wakefulness. She felt incapable of keeping her eyes open and her head felt heavy. She curled into a smaller bundle and wished her mother were with her. Mother would have wrapped her arms around her and rocked her like a small child. Mother never cared about the fact that she was sixteen, not six years of age. She had once promised she would never stop hugging Clarissa, never mind how old Clarissa might be. Clarissa sighed and whispered in a small, miserable voice, “Mother.”

At once an image of her mother filled her mind. She could sense her downstairs. She felt her on the couch, curled up under Father’s arm. She felt her staring ominously at Adam and what she was thinking, except that they couldn’t be Mother’s thoughts, since they were entirely unprintable. “Hush now, darling,” Mother soothed her. “Don’t be afraid. This is part of the change. You’ll be able to sense the thoughts and emotions of other shape shifters, sometimes even those of humans. We all can, but some of us are not as good at it and can merely sense feelings rather than share the minds of other shape shifters.” “But I’m not changing!” Clarissa stared angrily at herself in the mirror, frustrated, using her fingers to shape her eyes into slanted lupine eyes. “Take it easy and rest. We’ll talk later. I promise. Now is not the right time to let others know of this, because I need to buy us more time. You’ll need teaching. What is certain is that you are changing, and you’ll simply have to accept that.” Mom's voice soothed Clarissa's mind. “Is there no way to stop the change?” “No. Would you like to?” Clarissa sensed how surprised her mother was that she had even asked. “No, but I don’t know...” Clarissa thought uncertainly. “Everything will be all right. I promise. Rest now.” Mother's voice slowly faded from her mind.

Clarissa tried again to sense Mother in her mind, but she had somehow managed to shut her out and no matter how hard she tried to break through the barrier of her mind, she found it impossible. Eventually her eyes felt so heavy she had to close them for a moment.

“Just a few moments,” Clarissa murmured sleepily.

Clarissa woke up to someone shaking her roughly. Ciall was standing next to her and she tried to understand what he was saying. Finally she managed to sit up and open her eyes fully.

Now Clarissa understood what he was talking about. They were going north and they would have cheerfully gone off without saying a word to her. Clarissa jumped up and wrapped her bathrobe tighter around her. Ciall, however, didn’t move.

“Well, what are you waiting for now? Come on! Didn’t you just want me to hurry?”

“You can’t come out dressed only in a bathrobe and your hair disheveled,” Ciall snapped, his face flushed.

“Why ever not? Come on. You said yourself we needed to hurry!” Clarissa looked at Ciall in bafflement and gathered the hem of the bathrobe up so as not to trip on it on the stairs. Ciall still didn't move. Clarissa tossed her gorgeous long hair theatrically away from her face and took a few steps towards the door.

“If you come out like that, Adam will never leave. He won’t have it. You look incredible!” Ciall mumbled with embarrassment, trying to avoid Clarissa's eyes.

“Come on, now!” Clarissa cried, near desperation.

She would never make it past Ciall and soon she wouldn’t be able to see the other youngsters for a long time, if ever. Clarissa fixed Ciall with an implacable look and at last he stepped aside and let her run downstairs and outside. Ciall decided to follow her. He knew he would have no opportunity to fight Adam over Clarissa, but a small part of him wished Adam would not return to her after a year’s time.

Gunward stepped in front of David and looked him sternly in the eyes. His golden-brown eyes flashed ominously but David met them squarely.

“Farewell, David. Take care of Sofia and your daughters,” Gunward grunted and gave David a firm handshake. David gave him a searching look.

Gunward did not answer. He did not need to, for David knew himself to be right. Gunward would wait for as long as necessary and when David was old enough to not live for long, he would come to claim me. I looked sadly at both men. I knew David would find it very difficult to accept the implacable truth. I would eventually belong to Gunward again. Gunward, for his part, would have to accept the knowledge that I would share with another man all the years he and I remained separated. I sighed and averted my gaze from the men.

Tiamhaidh and my brothers would stay with me. Ciall and Mathanan had also expressed their wish to remain here. Gunward had handed the responsibility for my family’s safety over to Tiamhaidh, and Gunward and I would always be connected wherever he might be. This was something I hadn’t been able to tell David. I would always feel a subtle hint of Gunward in my mind. It would be very slight, like the brush of a butterfly’s wings on skin, but it could be strengthened if I so wished. Thus Gunward would suffer every moment I spent with David, as he shared my thoughts and feelings of David. I, for my part, would always feel Gunward’s anguish.

Could we live like this and would it be a life worth living? Would it be better if I simply accepted my fate right now? Tiamhaidh would take care of Marie and Clarissa, and Gavin and Daniel could train Clarissa for what was to come. She would still be very vulnerable and out of her depth with her new skills, but in time she would certainly learn and then she’d have to journey to the elders on Senja to learn more and to get to know her heritage. I sensed Gunward’s excitement as he shared my thoughts. However, that only strengthened my resolve. I was not one to give up easily. David was the only one in my family who would suffer from my departure, but I had loved him for too long to hurt him more than I absolutely had to. In short, I truly had no choice but to stay.

I looked for Clarissa and recoiled from the look Adam had fixed on her. I knew Adam was furious about Gunward’s decision. One year, that was what we had agreed upon. Gunward would take Adam to Senja where he‘d have to spend a whole year. Then, if Adam still was convinced he and Clarissa were meant to join together as a couple, he could return to Clarissa. By then Clarissa would have received a year’s worth of instruction from my brothers and she would be able to decide for herself whether or not she wanted Adam. We all knew also that Clarissa would be courted by dozens of shape shifter males around the world, and only the fear and respect Adam felt towards Gunward would hold him in check.

Rage had darkened his already black eyes and the lust shining from them frightened Clarissa. On the one hand Clarissa felt inexplicably drawn to Adam, but on the other hand his uncontrollable passion and ferocity were too much for my young daughter. I knew Clarissa was by no means a saint and she’d done some exploring with boys her own age, but those boys didn’t even come close to matching Adam. A mere kiss from him would change everything. Clarissa had already had a taste of what life with Adam would be like, but her feelings were still quite mixed. She believed she was in love with him; yet she wanted to run away from him. The emotions of a human girl and a shape shifter female were entwined and Clarissa wasn’t yet able to distinguish them. She needed time but time was exactly what Adam was unwilling to grant her.

Adam was already so firmly bonded to Clarissa that the mere knowledge that other males would court her was almost killing him. Only the ancient rules of behavior prevented him from baring his teeth and taking Clarissa without leave. The image of a captured beast flitted through my mind and when I looked at Adam I could see fetters on his wrists and ankles, and him struggling in them, mad with rage. I could only hope Gunward was really capable of holding him in check. I sighed and looked at the driveway.

Two black Jeeps were waiting for the males. Gunward had decided they would travel the whole way by car. It would only take a day and a night, and he’d be able to keep Adam close for the duration of the journey. Iain and Artair had already climbed on board one car and Raibeart and Pádraig were about to board the other when Marie suddenly broke free of Tiamhaidh’s embrace and rushed to them. She hugged them tightly and looked each of them deeply in the eyes.

“Farewell, brothers,” she whispered to them all.

“Farewell, sister,” the men replied.

Then she quickly turned around and ran back to Tiamhaidh, wiping her eyes. Tiamhaidh regarded the men steadily. “Farewell, brothers.” “Take care of her.” The men's thoughts also brushed Marie’s mind and she smiled at the men. Tiamhaidh nodded firmly and crushed Marie in a tighter embrace. I felt a dark fog threatening to shroud my thoughts. How would I cope without Gunward? I knew I’d be able to find him wherever he might be, but we’d have to be parted for dozens of years. My heart was shattered to pieces. “I will find you, love,” Gunward’s mind soothed mine. “I’ll never stop looking for you no matter how far you might be from me.” Tears fell down my face, leaving damp tracks. I forced myself to stand up straight by David’s side.

I wanted to grab Gunward and draw in his dark, sexy scent until I was dizzy. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hold tight. To bury my fingers in his long, dark hair and press my face against his neck. I heard his heartbeat and I knew he heard mine. Neither of us could give in to our desire, though, and we stood staring at each other. “Forever!” my soul cried and his answered steadfastly, “Forever!” I sensed that David wanted to break our eye contact and his pride alone stopped him from stepping between us. Finally Gunward turned and strode off towards the cars. An unbearable agony filled me and if David hadn’t taken a hold of me I’d have dropped on my knees. Gunward ordered Adam and Simon into the car and I could only watch as they started the engines and drove away.

I struggled in David’s grip but before I had even taken one step towards the cars, Tiamhaidh was beside me and he imprisoned me between his strong arms so tightly that I couldn't move.

My eyes foggy with tears, I saw there was only a dust cloud left behind the cars. My brothers regarded me with sadness. They understood my distress but couldn’t do a thing to make the numbness and emptiness inside me disappear. Clarissa held Ciall’s hand tightly and Mathanan seemed to have found something of great interest on the ground, for he held his eyes downcast and took care to not so much as glance at me. David stood beside me in shock. He looked at me with sadness and pain in his eyes. He didn’t want to be in the way of my happiness, but since I had made my choice, he wouldn’t settle for being the second choice. He wanted to be the only one for me, but I didn’t know if it was possible any longer.

My emotions were in complete turmoil. I didn’t regret my choice, but even now being separated from Gunward felt so insufferable that I found myself unwittingly strengthening my bond with him. Knowing that he was also suffering was a comfort to me. He, however, did not want to share me with David. He would wait for his time to come.

How despicable I felt. When had I sunk so low? I had always been completely faithful to my spouse, but now my behavior was dubious at best. I’d have to pull myself together and get on with my life. What life? Was life worth living without Gunward? A small voice whispered in my mind. I felt Tiamhaidh tighten his grip of me. He was evidently listening to my thoughts, but I was too tired to prevent him. Eventually Tiamhaidh made the decision for me. He lifted me up into his strong arms and carried me to our bedroom. I clung to him as if I was drowning and let him take the reins. David followed us in silence.