Imminence (20 page)

I continued my careful breathing exercises and cautiously moved my feet. The panic seemed to abate and I noticed the pressure in my chest lessen. I got up slowly and tried to stay upright, although my feet seemed unwilling to obey me. Unwittingly I took a step forward. Another step and then another, and soon I was at the edge of the forest clearing. My great Seita stone stood where it always had, but this time Marie was standing on top of it. A large dark brown wolf lounged in the grass by the pool, watching the girl on the stone keenly. Marie was dancing on top of the stone with light steps and her dark curls and fey countenance made her seem like a fallen angel. The wind fluffed her hair and clothes. Her gaze was locked on the wolf lying on the ground and she seemed to beckon to the wolf with her dance, to seduce it and lure it away from the gates of paradise towards perdition. I realized Marie would not remain a child for much longer. She’d turn fifteen next month and although Tiamhaidh was being more than patient with her, how could anyone resist such a blatant invitation as the one Marie had just given? I glanced at Tiamhaidh and could have sworn he was drooling.

I coughed, embarrassed, for even though I didn’t want to break the spell I couldn’t just watch Marie’s game of seduction from the sidelines. Marie glanced at me and blushed a deep red. Tiamhaidh turned to me with affected calm and grunted. I shrugged innocently. “You were drooling.” Tiamhaidh’s eyes narrowed and he gave me a stern glare. I nodded my head and returned his look. He yelped and got up. “Follow me. I want to show you something.” “Don’t you think I saw quite enough already?” I thought, unable to stop myself from smiling. “Very funny, Sofia.” Tiamhaidh turned his back to me and I had to follow him. Marie skipped beside me with light steps and whenever she glanced at me she blushed and averted her eyes.

We continued deeper and deeper into the woods and if my calculations were correct we’d soon reach a road, as we’d walked at least two kilometers through the woods. I didn’t see any signs of a road yet, though. A huge thicket opened in front of us and suspicious noises were carried from it. I reached my mind towards the thicket and was surprised to encounter my brothers. There was also a hint of a young she-wolf and my first thought was that my brothers had found themselves mates. Tiamhaidh gave a demanding howl and Gavin and Daniel trotted out to join us. I was baffled. Where was the female I had definitely sensed in the vicinity? Daniel let himself shift to human again and embraced me as if I were spun glass.

“Sofia!” he said, surprised. “You seem much better already.”

“I still feel very weak but it’s true I’m much better than I used to be,” I lay my head on Daniel's shoulder for a moment and he enfolded me in a tight hug.

“Forgive me for causing you such grief. I promise this will pass, but you know how these things are. I’m not ready to let go of him yet,” I mumbled at his chest.

I couldn’t say Gunward’s name out loud and even saying the word ‘he’ made a lump form in my throat. I looked apologetically at my brother as a tear fell down my cheek. Gavin rubbed himself against my legs and I instinctively reached down to ruffle his fur and press my face for a moment into the shelter of his coat.

“It’s good that you came. There’s something I want to show you,” Daniel took my hand and pulled me towards the thicket.

“Wait,” I huffed, short of breath. “I’m not quite that well yet. I can walk but I can’t yet spring up running whenever I feel like it.”

Daniel threw me an apologetic glance and slowed down. Gavin bounced excitedly around us but Tiamhaidh stayed beside Marie even though his own enthusiasm was evident. Daniel led me right into the middle of the thicket, where a small clearing had been made. At the center of the clearing sat Clarissa, who met my eyes with confusion.

“Show her, Clarissa. I’ll help you. Let’s do it exactly like we did a moment ago. Just look at me and focus on the image of Gavin.”

Clarissa nodded timorously. I sat down on the ground and felt Tiam lower himself next to me. Marie sat down almost in Tiam’s arms and held her breath. Slowly Daniel began to shift from man to wolf. First legs, then body and head. Tail, fur, ears, and finally eyes. Identically, Clarissa also shifted into a wolf, but into one different from Daniel. Her coat was snowy white and her yellow lupine eyes retained a slight green tint. The moment her transformation was complete, she shifted back to human. I sucked in a disappointed breath. I could have watched Clarissa forever. What a beautiful wolf she was, and how talented! Clarissa looked at me apologetically.

I looked deep into her eyes and saw hurt as well as longing. I had neglected my family and allowed my selfish desires to sweep me away. It was time I picked myself up by the scruff of my neck and pulled myself together. Clarissa saw the emotions in my eyes and she could probably sense my mind, too, for she clung to me fiercely and allowed all the pain and worry she’d felt for me break out in tears. I squeezed her in my arms and whispered soothing words in her ears. How selfish had I really been? This young, vulnerable creature needed me and I had abandoned her.

“Hush. I’m not going anywhere anymore, love. Hush. I’m here.”

“Mommy,” Marie’s weepy voice sounded behind me.

I reached for her and pulled her into my embrace. We sat there on the ground weeping and the three males around us were highly embarrassed. Ears pulled back, they observed us and everything about their body language seemed to ask: “Who can ever understand females?” Eventually I clambered up and looked at my children. My beautiful daughters to whom I’d given birth and who were now able to share my heritage - Marie through Tiam and Clarissa as a shape shifter. I was immensely proud of them.

“It’s time for us to go back home,” I said. “I still have a lot to sort out, but I’m here now and you must tell me everything I’ve missed in the past weeks.”

Both girls smiled radiantly and launched into simultaneous chatter, recounting even the smallest things that had happened in the late summer. I let my mind fill with their voices and although I couldn’t make out half of what they were saying I felt warmth flood me, and after a long time I felt happy again. I gave Tiam a tender look and sent him a silent message of gratitude. This young hermit wolf had changed my life once and for all. It had won my daughter’s love and Gunward’s trust. Me, it had saved yet again from falling into the abyss of despair, and it had reminded me of the importance of continuing my life as a human, part of this wonderful family as well as part of the pack who had stayed with me of their own volition and thus also become part of my family. Even though I knew my yearning for Gunward would not abate easily, I at least had a reason to stay here and try to narrow down the gap I had opened between David and myself.

My body was weak, but my mind seemed to draw strength from some inexhaustible source and I felt relatively strong again. Marie and Tiamhaidh had done a brilliant job of taking on the leadership, but now it was time for Marie to step aside and enjoy being a teenager. She sat on Tiamhaidh’s laps as we discussed the arrangements Tiam had made while I’d been incapacitated. I felt like a small child, scolded by Tiam, and in a sudden flash I saw a picture of Tiam playing with two little boys and Marie sitting on the floor, holding a cute daughter. I plunged into the depths of Tiam’s eyes and their deep blue world. I allowed myself deeper and forgot myself within his black irises fringed by brown dots. Tiam stopped talking and grinned. He had also glimpsed the picture in my mind.

“Focus, Sofia,” he told me, but I noticed he couldn’t quite focus his thoughts either.

“Tiamhaidh,” I said and reached to touch his cheek.

Marie watched us, her eyes shining with such love that it illuminated us all. My throat felt tight and I knew the conversation was doomed. Swallowing tears of joy, I rose and fled the room.

Clarissa ran about the house, giggling and glancing flirtatiously over her shoulder. She vanished around the corner and a flustered Ciall came running after her.

“Ciall,” I reprimanded him.

Ciall stopped and looked at me with laughter in his chocolate brown eyes. He leant against his knees, short of breath and panting.

Ciall looked at me guiltily, knowing he couldn’t conceal his emotions from me. Clarissa was still such a young and inexperienced shape shifter that she wouldn’t know how to search Ciall’s mind for answers, but I knew exactly how deeply Ciall was in love with my daughter.

“If you wish to develop Clarissa’s senses, I can help.”

I fixed Clarissa with a stern look, quelling the objection on her tongue. Defeated, they retreated to the living room and I felt I was a nasty bitch indeed, more so than ever. What right did I have to come between their love? Clarissa didn’t belong to Adam yet and Ciall had every right to compete for her. But in my heart I knew no-one could compete with Adam. Ciall would be left with a wounded heart and a battered soul. I couldn’t let him suffer. That handsome young man with Italianate looks had won me over right from the start with his easygoing warmth.

Ciall wasn’t as tall as Adam, nor did he have that bad boy charm, but the sporty Ciall was perhaps the nicest and gentlest shape shifter I knew, and if Adam didn’t hurt him, Clarissa would. I knew that the moment Adam returned Clarissa would lose all control. I had experienced that with Gunward and I recognized the connection between their souls. Nothing would be able to break it. My job would be to teach Clarissa to control that connection and retain a will of her own with the strong-minded Adam. I had less than a year for this and I had decided nothing would get in my way this time. I wasn’t going to lose my daughter to Adam only to give him a beautiful, spineless spouse. Clarissa was capable of much more. I sighed, looking at the youngsters who were sitting as far from each other as possible. I would have to take the bull by the horns.

“Clarissa, I want you to focus all your strength on your mind. Ciall can try breaching your defenses and I’ll monitor you.”

“I want you to think of the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you and try to stop Ciall from finding out,” I looked apologetically at Clarissa.

“But I don’t know what to do!” Clarissa cried.

“You don’t have to. This is just an exercise and you’ll learn in no time. I’m sure your mind will help you,” I said, as convincingly as I could. I knew Clarissa could do this, if only she'd dare trust herself enough.

I looked at her and decided that her bikini top falling off in the pool last autumn was by no means her worst embarrassment, and nodded firmly. I knew she’d been horrified when her top had fallen off just as she’d been climbing out of the pool and the whole class had stood watching, but there were several more embarrassing occurrences I planned to save for later. I had no time to treat her with silken gloves. She had to be ready by the time Adam returned.

Ciall’s eyes were firmly fixed on Clarissa’s. Her mouth was pursed tight and her hands clutched the cushion. I felt merriment bubbling within me. This time it took as much as three and a half minutes before Ciall burst out laughing. Clarissa stared at her toes, cheeks flaming.

“When Adam comes back, do you think he’ll respect your modesty and treat you like the finest object of art? He’ll run roughshod through your mind whether you want it or not. He won’t court you; he’ll conquer you completely unless you can defend yourself. The easiest way to do that is to close your mind to others.”

“There must be other ways,” Clarissa pleaded.

“There are, but you won’t have the time to learn them well enough. Now be quiet and concentrate.”