If the Shoe Fits (20 page)

“Where did they all come from?” whispered Jake, frantically holding his sporran down with one hand while he did his best to keep his rear end covered with the other.

The residents were mostly waving cheerily, though a few of them had called out to the three friends now and again.

“They obviously think we're a wedding party,” said Danny, rather pointlessly in Eleanor's opinion.

“Perhaps they do this for all the weddings,” suggested Jake.

“Maybe. It's all very nice of them, I'm sure, but I don't feel comfortable at all. I feel like I'm cheating them. It was bad enough that Mrs. Douglas thought I was about to get hitched, without all these people thinking it, too.”

“Look, let's just get to the registry office. The sooner we get hold of your father, the faster we can get out of here. Have you thought any more about what you're going to say?”

“I'm still in the ‘let's punch the bitch' frame of mind,” said Eleanor.

Danny snorted.

“You know,” said Muse thoughtfully, “As much as I'm loathe to admit it, that's not a bad idea.”

“Muse!” cried Eleanor, almost shocked into silence.

“Well, we should probably try to talk sense into your father first,” conceded the cat. “But a good punch as a back-up plan is not without merit.”

“See?” said Danny triumphantly. “I said that she knew what she was talking about! Ella, can we adopt her?”

“No!”

“Definitely not!”

“That's a very nice sentiment, dear,” said Muse gently. “But I'm afraid that even if Ella and Jake
liked
the idea, I still couldn't possibly live with you. We Fairy Godmothers tend to stick with the ladies.”

• • •

They made it to the registry office with plenty of time to spare; it was still some twenty minutes before Teddy was due to be shackled once again to the awful Christie. The three friends — and Muse — selected a group of trees to hide behind in order to properly ambush their intended targets.

“I'll go in first,” said Jake. “I'll grab Agatha and pull her to one side, while you two get hold of Teddy.”

“And what will I do?” asked Muse. “I've come all this way, I'd like to do something useful.”

“You can go with Jake,” said Danny, grinning. “If Agatha shows signs of getting away, you can practice some hissing or something. Maybe a few scratches here and there wouldn't go amiss either.”

“Well, I must admit that the idea has more than a little appeal to it,” said Muse, licking her lips. “Of course, usually a Fairy Godmother would never behave in such an uncouth manner, but exceptions can be made under such dire circumstances.”

“Hey!” grumbled Eleanor. “How come you've never said that to
me
?”

Muse pretended not to hear and twined herself around Danny's legs instead.

“Traitor,” muttered Eleanor, though she couldn't help but smile.

Jake put his finger to his lips and pointed towards the registry office. Christie and her father were walking briskly towards the entrance. Well, Christie was walking briskly at any rate; Teddy was a few paces behind and looking around him with something akin to bemusement.

“Come on, Edward, we'll be late, darling,” said Christie, in what Eleanor assumed to be her “sweet” tone.

“Now!” said Jake.

The three friends sprinted across the street just in time to intercept the surprised couple before they reached the door. Christie screeched indignantly as Jake grabbed her elbow and scooted her inside the registry office, while Teddy seemed to be unable to form any words at the sight of his only daughter appearing suddenly before him attired in full wedding finery.

“Ellie, sweetheart! What are you doing here?”

“I'll explain in a minute, Dad,” said Eleanor breathlessly. “Let's get you back to the car so that we can get you out of here.”

“Oh, but I'm getting married, darling, didn't you know? Christie came up with the idea last night.”

“Did she, now?”

“Yes, dear. She suggested that I would be far happier remarrying her than leaving things the way they are. She's got a point, too. I mean, what's the use of paying her all of that silly money when I don't get anything back? This way, I can forget the divorce, be looked after by a lovely, considerate woman, and probably spend less money into the bargain.”

“Lovely? Considerate?
Christie
? Dad, she's been plotting this for weeks!”

“Oh, surely not, Ellie. Why, she came out with it last night while we were having dinner. It was definitely a spur of the moment thing.”

“Dad, you do realize where you are, don't you?”

“Northern England, isn't it?” said Teddy, scratching his head. “It was dark when we got here, and you know I never take much notice of my surroundings when I am traveling.”

“Northern England?” snorted Danny, who had been itching to get into the conversation up until now. “Mr. Gibson, sorry if this sounds rude, but didn't you recognize the Scottish accents at all?”

“Oh, I didn't realize it was you, Danny boy. How
are
you? Got a nice girl yet?”

“Er, I am seeing someone, yes,” replied Danny shiftily, then proceeded to keep his mouth shut. Eleanor had tried telling her father about Jake and Danny, but the concept of two men having a relationship was a little too much for Teddy's rather conservative brain to absorb.

“Can we please get back to the point?” said Eleanor, glaring at Danny balefully.

“What was it you were saying, dear?” asked Teddy.

“You're in Scotland, Dad. Gretna Green, to be precise. Don't you think that's a little too much of a coincidence?”

“Are we really in Scotland? My word, I had no idea. I mean, there are Scottish people all over the place, aren't there? We had a lovely Scottish couple move in a few doors down just last month.”

“Dad, this is Scotland, take my word for it. Christie's been scamming you again.”

“Oh dear, that's wasn't very nice of her, was it? I do hope she doesn't keep doing things like this when we are married.”

“You're not getting married,” said Eleanor firmly. “That's why we're here. There's no way I'm letting that trollop get her hooks into you a second time.”

“Oh.”

Teddy sounded more than a little disappointed, and Eleanor wondered for perhaps two seconds if she was doing the right thing. Then she heard a muffled screaming sound coming from behind her.

“Take your hands off me, you
disgusting
man! I'll have you arrested for harassment! I'll take you to court! I'll sue you for every bloody penny that you have, and then some!”

“Dad? I'm taking you home.”

Danny and Eleanor frog-marched Teddy back to the car and settled him on the back seat, while Eleanor shoved the picnic hamper to the floor and clambered in beside her father. Danny climbed into the driver's seat and reached over to open the passenger door for Jake, who was now sprinting towards them at great speed. Seconds after Jake had scrambled into the car, Christie came around the bend screeching as if her life was in danger.

Teddy's mouth dropped at the sight of his ex-wife/thwarted bride being half-strangled by a lump of bristled fur.

“Ellie, is that your cat?” he asked faintly.

“Get her, Muse!” shouted Danny. “Give her one from me!”

Muse hissed and scratched for another full minute before Christie managed to remove herself. Muse immediately jumped to the floor and ran to the car, jumping onto Eleanor's lap with a triumphant leap.

“Drive!” cried Eleanor.

“I'm not sure that we should leave her stranded,” said Teddy worriedly.

“She'll be fine,” said Eleanor. “Trust me.”

They drove for a few minutes at a speed that was probably over the limit, but as soon as they left the Gretna Green signpost behind them, Danny slowed down.

“I was taken in again, wasn't I?” sighed Teddy sadly. “She just seemed so
genuine
.”

“She always does, Dad,” soothed Eleanor, patting his hand. “You're far too trusting, but that isn't your fault, so don't worry over it. I wouldn't have you any other way.”

“Ah, you're a good girl, Ellie.”

“I have a good father,” she said lightly, falling into their usual conversational habits.

They gave each other a good, long hug and settled back into their seats, allowing Muse to sit between them.

“Ellie?”

“Hmm?”

“Why are you wearing a wedding dress?”

“Crap! Jake! We're thieves!”

“Don't panic, we have Mrs. Douglas' address, we'll send her a check or something. I'd like to keep the kilts, anyway.”

Danny choked on a laugh, while Eleanor did her best not to roll her eyes.

• • •

Danny drove as close to the speed limit as was humanly possible and, despite three bathroom breaks and a pit stop at a drive-through hamburger shop, they reached Cardiff a little after eight o'clock that evening.

“There's no time to mess around now, dear,” said Muse, doing her best to speak without Teddy noticing. “You'll have to go to the ball as you are.”

“Oh God, I'd forgotten about that. It doesn't matter now anyway, because I can't go dressed like this.” whispered Eleanor.

But Muse gave her one of those haughty glares that Eleanor had come to recognize so well over the last few weeks, and promptly stopped her protests.

“Dad, we're going to a party.”

“Oh, that sounds nice, dear, but I'm really not in the mood for a party. Can't you just drop me home?”

“Nonsense, Mr. Gibson,” said Danny. “We're
all
going to the party. I think we deserve a little fun after the day we've had today.”

“
I'm
not going,” said Jake. “I refuse to be remembered as the guy who got fired at Gerry's leaving do.”

“If
I'm
going, we're all going,” said Eleanor. “And that includes Muse.”

“You're going to take your
cat
to this party?” asked Teddy, looking more and more bemused by the second.

“Dad, my friends are dressed in kilts, I'm wearing a wedding dress, and I have large portions of a hamburger stuck in my hair. I'm pretty sure the cat's presence isn't going to matter one way or another. Everyone will think I'm nuts anyway.”

“Sorry again for that sharp break I took earlier,” said Danny rather sheepishly, referring to the almost-crash that had occurred a few hours previously, which had resulted in Eleanor's current hair-do.

“I'm past caring what I look like now, I'm doomed,” said Eleanor philosophically. “Seriously, what else could possibly happen?”

• • •

Max Charming being nowhere to be found,
that's
what could happen. Eleanor had been at the party for almost an hour, and she had yet to set eyes on the object of her desire. She
had
, unfortunately, set eyes on an entirely different object altogether. She had spent the better part of twenty minutes studiously avoiding Derek Leeming. Derek's face had lit up as soon as he saw Eleanor enter the room and had been trying to get near her ever since. The first half hour had been spent filling in Jenni and Heather on the circumstances of Eleanor's current attire, so the office's resident lecher hadn't been able to get within five feet of her, but now that she had exchanged all of the gossip, her two friends had disappeared, leaving Eleanor to fend for herself.

“Eleanor, what a lovely dress,” said that sickly sweet voice. “You look beautiful, as always.”

Eleanor sipped at her drink and surreptitiously pulled the neckline as high as it would go, which wasn't much when all was said and done. Apparently, brides these days didn't have a chest bigger than a 34B.

“Do you fancy a dance?”

“Um, not right now Derek, my foot is still a bit tender, you know, not really up to it. You understand?”

“Oh, of course,” said Derek smoothly. “Why don't you sit down? Look, there's a table free just over there. I'll get you another drink, shall I?”

Eleanor allowed herself to be escorted to the table and smiled brightly at Derek as he helped her into her seat. She let him get away with it when his hand brushed her over-familiarly on the shoulder, and allowed him to take her empty glass. She planned to make a run for it as soon as his back was turned.

As soon as Derek disappeared among the crowd at the bar, Eleanor stood up. In her haste to get away, and not looking where she was going, she temporarily forgot that she was hampered by layers and layers of silk, and promptly slipped and landed on the floor, the dress falling over her head and revealing her bare legs and thonged bottom to everyone in the room.

“Why me?” she wailed, lifting the voluminous cloud of white material from her face. She was immediately faced with a pair of black shoes, and she needed no further information as to who they belonged to.

“
Now
you show up?” she said irritably.

Charming helped her to her feet and shoved her, none too gently, back onto her chair. Derek, walking towards them with two large glasses of wine, promptly went a shade paler and retreated hastily.

“Where the
hell
have you been?” said Max, barely suppressing what Eleanor assumed to be a healthy dose of rage. “And why in God's name are you wearing a wedding dress? Have you been keeping something from me? Is that why you stood me up last night?”

Before she had chance to reply, Jake and Danny appeared, with Danny holding a very agitated cat.

“Meeooww!”

“Don't have a go at Ella, it's not her fault!” said Danny.

“Yeah, leave my girl alone!” added Jake, apparently forgetting that he didn't want to get sacked.