Identity Crisis (11 page)

“Right,” he smiles knowingly, as if he's heard this all before. “Plus, he's easy on the eyes, eh?”

“It's not that,” I protest. “Not for me.” My voice lowers to a whisper. “His music. It just says something to me. I can't explain it. That's why I wanted to meet . . .” My face crumples as I think again about Eva winning tickets, singing with him, Eva, who doesn't even—

I sniffle a little and try to blink back my tears by staring furiously ahead.

“Oh, sod it,” he says suddenly, whipping out his cell phone and wallet and pulling a business card out from inside. “What's your name, luv?”

I hesitate for a moment, not sure why he is asking.

He flashes me an impatient look. “Come on, no more blubbering. Quickly. Before I change my mind.”

“Annalise Bradley,” I reply, confused, as he types that into his phone.

“Right. Now, text that number on my card a day before the performance, and remind me. I'll have two tickets waiting for you at Will Call.”

And he hands me his business card, which should read “Fairy Godmother” but instead says simply, Colin Dirge, Manager, and a cell phone number.

“Really?” I whisper in disbelief. I'll be there, in the crowd, and maybe Viggo will bypass Eva and pick me to sing instead, you never know. “Thank you so much, Mr. Dirge—”

“Colin—” he says with an involuntary shudder. “Mr. Dirge is my father.”

But I can't call him that. “You don't know—this means so much.”

He smiles at me. “Well, I was fifteen once. Couldn't get backstage passes to meet Oasis, but my cousin was a roadie, snuck me in, eventually got me a job in the business. Good times. My parents thought I was throwing my life away. And here I am. Not like it's all sunshine and lollipops, mind you.”

He grins furiously and it hits me—here is a career not limited by my boobs. Forget math tests, and snotty girls, and well, high school. This, this is the real deal. Maybe I could do what he does someday, discover and promote musicians I love, hang with radio DJs, organize ticket giveaways, oversee worldwide tours. It's so obvious, so perfect, it's almost enough to force a slight curve to my lips.

“That's the spirit!” He pats me on the back, completely unaware he has just triggered a life-altering epiphany here at the mall. “Right now, off you go. Just remember. You tell no one, this never happened, understand? I can't go getting tickets for all your mates.”

I do. Sort of. I stare at the card, mesmerized, nodding my head and planning to text Maeve as soon as is humanly possible. She's never going to believe this.

He turns and heads back to the counter, ready to order another cone. “Fantastic stuff,” I hear him murmur as I pull out my phone, which has just pinged. “Best thing in the whole bloody States.”

I don't talk much to Eva or Tori the whole train ride back. When I get home, I hear voices. Loud ones, in the living room, coming from my mom. And soft, pleading ones from my dad.

“You didn't think to consult me first?” My mother sounds harsh, angry, wounded.

“Elise,” he says in a firm voice I've rarely heard my dad use. “You know I just couldn't take another day under that jackass.”

“That's what grownups do, John,” my mother snaps. “They suck it up. For their families.”

“What, I have to have the dignity sucked out of me? The life? Just take the abuse? Never take a stand for myself? So we can still afford fancy Key West vacations and your Botox injections?”

What are they talking about? What's going on? My mother does
Botox
? I walk into the room and hesitate by the door. The two of them are squared off in anger; neither one notices me standing there.

“You really think that's why I'm upset? You think I'm that shallow? We have responsibilities. Obligations. You don't just make impulsive decisions without talking it through. With your partner. This affects me, too.”

“I have thought about it. Did you ever think about the message I've been sending to Noelle? Did you ever think of that? That it's okay to be bossed around like that? She saw it firsthand, this summer.”

At the sound of my name, I kind of clear my throat. They both start, finally noticing me standing there. “What's going on?” I ask nervously.

My mother whirls and glares at me, as if I had something to do with it. “Your father just up and decided to quit his job, that's what. In this economy. Without so much as another offer.”

Gulp. Maybe I did have something to do with it.

I look at my dad to see if it's true, and he nods at me. His eyes locking with mine, as if to say, let's keep this just between us. “I gave notice. But don't worry, honey. We'll be fine. Your mother's paycheck will cover us until I find something else. We'll just cut back on a few of the extras, that's all.”

“Hmph,” my mother snorts as I scan her wrinkle-free forehead for frown lines.

Go Dad!
I want to shout, secretly proud that he'd finally stood up to his jerk boss. It couldn't have been easy for him. Why couldn't my mom see that?

“Well, if anyone cares about my opinion, I say Dad did the right thing.”

My mother turns to me, her perfectly glossed lips pursed, furiously containing herself. “Noelle, could you please go up to your room? Your dad and I need to continue this discussion. Privately.”

I escape upstairs and shut the door, not wanting to eavesdrop on the rest of their conversation. But it doesn't work. I can still hear the raised voices shouting below. It makes me twitchy when my parents fight, always nervous that one of them will just storm out, never to return. That happens, doesn't it? I mean, look at Annalise's parents. I know they split up, from the little she's said, although she hasn't told me exactly why. Was it money? One too many arguments? One wrong word that can never be taken back?

The phrase my dad had used downstairs is still ringing in my ears:
the message I've been sending to Noelle?

Me.

I know exactly what he meant. The message that you have to stick with people, even the ones who make you feel like garbage. Out of inertia. Or fear. But maybe that's not true. Because look at my dad. He did it. Quit. Just like that. I can't believe it really was because of me, because of what I had said. What do I know? I'm just a kid. Still, my dad's actions embolden me. If he can stand up to his bully boss like that, why shouldn't I stand up to Eva, who was supposed to be my friend but lately feels more like my frenemy?

A flicker of rebellion sparks inside me. I know exactly what I have to do. I click onto the account settings and carefully change the login and password; then I log into the e-mail account Eva set up that first day and do the same.

I set the password to: Mistaken_Identity.

Click. Now, my decision can't be vetoed ever again.

I finally have the nerve to check my messages, and sure enough, Annalise had replied to Eva's fake note of apology on behalf of Declan. I almost don't have the nerve to read it. The image of her, running sobbing through the mall, ticketless and abandoned, is still replaying on a loop in my mind. What if the apology didn't work, and she's going to start berating me for standing her up?

I sigh. I can't avoid this forever. I click on her message to open it. But to my surprise, Eva's words seem to have done the trick, because Annalise seems positively chipper.

KnuckLise99
: Dec, r u ok??? You won't believe what happened!!

DecOlan
: what? u won?

I know that can't be it. But what could have possibly changed her mood between now and then?

KnuckLise99
: no. the most amazing thing! but first what happened 2 u? what was the big emergency?

DecOlan
: sorry i had to bail. it's all on me. my parents meeting was canceled. they came back when i was leaving. close call.

KnuckLise99
: oh no!

I feel sick telling more lies, for stringing Annalise along, but what can I do? For now, I am trapped. If only there were a way Declan could just fade out gradually, avoiding heartache and betrayal. Move overseas. Or spend a year in juvie. Or even better, if only I could kill him off, like a minor character on a soap opera. Freak skiing accident in the Alps? Open elevator shaft? Killer bees? Annalise would be devastated, of course, but she'd move on eventually. But then, of course, the two of us would never get to speak again.

DecOlan
: what's your news?

KnuckLise99
: i didn't win . . .

KnuckLise99
: <>

DecOlan
: lol . . . on edge of seat.

KnuckLise99
: <>

DecOlan
: tell me, you big tease!

KnuckLise99
: i bumped into Colin Dirge!!! literally.

Colin Dirge? I rack my brain. All my studying pays off. Right. Band manager.

DecOlan
: yeah?! and?

KnuckLise99
: he's leaving me two tickets at Will Call! <>

DecOlan
: what? why?

KnuckLise99
: we got to talking about the Inner Beauty track u sent. they remixed it and i told him i liked the original better. i dunno. i must have impressed him.

DecOlan
: atta girl!

KnuckLise99
: so u see it's all thanks to you. so you are so coming with me.

DecOlan
: <> you know i can't.

KnuckLise99
: what are you, under house arrest?

KnuckLise99
: forever?

DecOlan
: not forever. don't be mad.

KnuckLise99
: <> then tell me why. u never did. you owe me.

This time, at least, I am ready. I'd been racking my brain since the start what might have gotten Declan in trouble, bad enough to be grounded, sympathetic enough not to freak her out. Then I realized, the answer was staring me in the face. Right from my own life history. It was hands down the worst thing I had ever done. I still had mounds of guilt over it, even though I was only nine when it happened and my mom has sworn she has forgiven me by now.

DecOlan
: got in a dumb fight w/my mom. shoved her. she fell. hurt her wrist. broke it. cast for six weeks.

KnuckLise99
: OMG. that's awful.

DecOlan
: i swear, it was a total accident. i feel sick over it. my punishment was loss of phone and to stay around the house until she gets the cast off.

I hold my breath, waiting for her to reply. Will she believe it? How will she react? Have I bought myself some more time? How much? I wait, hoping to see the signs that she is writing a reply. Nothing.

DecOlan
: do u hate me?

KnuckLise99
: no, it just reminds me. when i was eleven, i threw some stupid CD at my sister. scratched her cornea.

DecOlan
: ouch.

KnuckLise99
: she was fine. milked it for sympathy. made me feel wretched.

DecOlan
: did she forgive you?

KnuckLise99
: eventually.

DecOlan
: so you don't get along?

KnuckLise99
: we've just always been total opposites.

DecOlan
: how so?

KnuckLise99
: you know how i said high school isn't really all pep rallies and prom committee? for my sister, it was.

DecOlan
: gotcha.

KnuckLise99
: plus nothing ever bothers her. not even my dad—

She stops writing. The screen reads KnuckLise99 is replying. But the words take a long time to come.

KnuckLise99
: he left us for someone half his age. elena forgave him.

DecOlan
: but you didn't?

Again she doesn't write back immediately, and I wonder if I have asked too much. When she does reply, she changes the subject.

KnuckLise99
: look don't worry about the concert. i'll take Maeve. we'll hang once your mom is better. ok?

DecOlan
: i'll make it up to you.

KnuckLise99
: yeah right. what could possibly compare to a Knuckles concert?

DecOlan
: our first date.

And then I describe it for her, a hazy Hallmark card come to life: a sunset picnic down at the beach, with chocolate-covered strawberries and lobster rolls; the crash of the waves and the smell of the salt air; the wind in our hair and the sand between our toes. Lying back, pressing flat onto the woolen blanket, holding hands as the wily seagulls circle slowly. Dashing into the waiting ocean, letting them steal our unattended crumbs. The date is easy enough to describe. I've only pictured myself and Cooper on it about a million times before.

“I hope you're all ready,” Ms. Pinella says, with only a touch of a sadistic smile, as she passes the test papers out to the class. Blargh. From the moment I walked into the room, I knew this wouldn't end well. I am so not ready for this. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Eva, whispering to slander queen Amanda Gerard, then smirking at me.

My face starts to burn. I know what she's doing. Telling Amanda what happened yesterday at the ticket giveaway. How Annalise Bradley was a fool, waiting for some guy she met online who never showed. Or worse, pretending to have a boyfriend that didn't even exist and getting busted. I'd been such a complete lunatic, crying when he didn't show, hysterically running through the mall, although if I hadn't, I never would have crashed into Colin Dirge and scored tickets. After talking to Declan last night and clearing everything up, I felt so much better, I'd almost forgotten what was still waiting for me. This.