I Need You (Learning to Let Go) (16 page)

Fresh tears started to stream down her face when she thought about Darrin. He had been there for her at every turn this summer. Guiding her. Helping her. Loving her. So it was inconceivable at this point that she would throw all that away for a man that had tossed her aside so quickly before. Sara was beyond ashamed of herself for her actions and for allowing her half-forgotten desires of being a weak plaything to resurface, and damage her relationship with Darrin.

Sara had no idea where their relationship was at this point, but it was entirely possible that Darrin was planning a way to get her out of his life as quickly as possible. Or that he couldn’t stand the sight of her right now, and needed to have some space. Whatever his reason for staying in his shop all afternoon and half the evening, Sara had hoped that he would come back inside of his own volition, so that they could talk about everything that had happened today, and quite possibly start to get past it. But Sara was well aware of Darrin’s lack of emotional range, and decided the best place to start would be with letting each of them have some time to think.

Well that time had just run out. The yard light had just started to flicker on, signaling that the sun had finally set. Sara trudged across the driveway, hands in her pockets. She was desperately trying to appear cool as a cucumber in case Darrin was watching her from the window in the office. There was no way that she needed to sob like a baby, asking for forgiveness. She needed to show him that she was sorry about what she had done. The best way to do that would be to keep a handle on her emotions, and try to reassure him with her determination to keep their relationship. If there was one left.
No
, Sara scolded herself. Positive thoughts only. They needed each other, and there was no reason why she couldn’t fix this. She didn’t want Chris. She didn’t. At least that is what the rational part of her brain was telling her.

The door to the office was locked, so Sara walked around to the side door on the west of the gargantuan shed. The door that led straight into Darrin’s ultra-secret “toy room.” The man had a fetish for collecting every new-fangled press, lathe and grinder that had been invented. He kept these more expensive tools in the back room away from would-be thieves. The room also held shelves and shelves of spare parts, bolts, wires, and other things that Sara had yet to identify. It would be the last place she would expect Darrin to be hiding out, but some days there were very few things about him that were expected. Like the way his lip trembled when he begged her to come home with him.

The side door was unlocked, but Sara still carefully opened the door, almost afraid of what she would find. Would he have destroyed whatever he could mangle with his hands in a rage, or be laying on the floor, passed out in a drunken stupor? Maybe he wouldn’t even be in here. Maybe he had taken off through the woods behind the farm to some unknown spot.

The whir of metal grinding against metal made her jump as the door slammed shut behind her. Darrin was leaning over the metal lathe, concentrating on a long metal cylinder that he had obviously recently made, based on the scraps of material laying all over the floor. Sara carefully stepped over the shards, keeping her hands over her ears to be ready when the noise started again. Instead of resuming his work, Darrin set the grinder down, pulling the thick leather gloves off his hands. He didn’t turn around to look at her, he just stared straight ahead at the wall.

Sara tried to keep her composure, nearly failing as she reached out a trembling hand to touch his bicep. The air left her lungs in a rush when Darrin flinched beneath her touch. Her carefully crafted control immediately dissipated when he pulled away. Tears started to dribble from her eyes, unbidden.

Neither one of them spoke, leaving the silence in the room to speak for them. Sara had to fight every instinct in her body to flee.

“Darrin, will you come inside and talk with me? Please?”

Darrin picked up his creation from the lathe, sliding it across the bench to a clean spot on the adjacent work bench. He turned around to open a drawer, grabbing a strange looking small tool that had what looked like a compass attached to a sliding set of pinchers. Resuming his work, he casually answered, “I will when I finish with this drive shaft.”

Sara’s determination kicked in again, making her fist her hands on her hips. “Fine, you work. I’ll talk. I have given you space all day, but I have a feeling that you are going to keep avoiding me if I let you.”

Darrin just huffed his answer, and turned his face enough to pin her with a venomous glare. “I wasn’t avoiding you, Sara. I was trying to figure out what the fuck to do with this.” He gestured between them with his hands. “I think best when I’m in the shop, and I just lost track of time.”

Sara took a tentative step forward, her hands sliding down from her hips to rest on the outside of her thighs. “And what did you decide?”

Darrin’s expression softened. “If you want him, I should let you go. I shouldn’t have forced you to come back here with me.”

“What makes you think I want him?”

Darrin’s jaw clenched as his teeth ground together. Once he had taken a deep breath, he answered, “Maybe because his tongue was crammed in your mouth, Sara.”

Sara clenched her eyes shut, trying to block the image that Darrin must have burned in his brain. Finally, she rubbed her fingers across her forehead, trying to ease the crease that she had created in her skin. “I don’t want him, Darrin. He was somebody from college that I had a one night stand with. He has a way of making me feel…submissive.” The word was hard for her to form, let alone say out loud. After a pause, she continued, “He has a different perspective on intimacy than most. It’s really hard to explain.”

Darrin leaned back against the counter, crossing his feet. “Try me.”

Sara leaned against the counter on the opposite side of the room, preparing herself to give up the most intimate details of her romantic encounter with Chris, and the night they had spent together. Darrin wasn’t going to understand; in fact, Sara was sure that he would kick her out if he knew how perverted she had been. But, she was backed into a corner, and it was best to lay it all out on the table now.

“He had a way of making me do things, by the sheer force of his will.” Darrin had started to utter something, but Sara held up her hand to stop him. “I don’t mean he forced me to do things I didn’t want to do, Darrin. He had this sense to know what I wanted in a sexual situation, and was able to get me out of my comfort zone.”

Darrin didn’t say a word, he just shrugged his shoulders and gave her a puzzled look. Sara turned, ready to bolt from the room, rather than tell him anymore. She made it two steps before she stopped herself, almost cutting her ankle of one of the pieces of steel on the floor.

“He tied me down to take away my control. He even shared me with someone else. It was consensual. But, he was gone before I woke up the next day. It isn’t something I care to share.”

“You shouldn’t be embarrassed of your past, Sara. It makes you the person you are now. I can honestly tell you that if you would have told me about this before, I would have done more than punch that fucker. Consensual or not, Sara, you deserve better than that.”

Sara turned around, ready to defend Chris, instead she saw the pain in Darrin’s eyes. Pain that she had put there. Pain she wanted to take away. Her anger contained again, she barely whispered, “You deserve better than me, Darrin.”

Darrin released a long gust of air, turning up the corner of his lip in a weak smile. “You deserve better than
me
.”

Sara released a rush of tears that she had been holding back as Darrin held his arms out for her. She practically jumped over the mess on the floor as she flung herself into his arms, wrapping her arms around his chest. She sobbed into his chest. “I’m so sorry, Darrin.”

Using his fingertips, he tipped her head up and tickled her lips with his. It wasn’t until he had stopped kissing her, and was gently rubbing her back that she realized that the sparks that she once felt against his lips had all but been extinguished. The fierce lust and pull that she had once felt for Chris was overwhelming her body right now, reminding her of how good it could be. The sex with Darrin was great, but it wasn’t the life-altering mega explosions that she felt when Chris took control of her body and her mind. When she submitted everything she had to him, and in turn, he gave it all back ten-fold.

It was an extremely painful realization; one that she had hoped she would never have to endure. They had been simply co-existing for the last two months. The sex had been great, and there was a familiarity between the two of them, but there was no emotional closeness, nothing to build a long-term relationship on. Continuing on this path was going to cause them both more pain, and Darrin didn’t deserve that.

He must have sensed the change in them both as well, as he tensed his shoulders, stiffening his hold on her. Sara’s shoulders started to shake as the sobs racked her body. Darrin soothed her, brushing his lips against her hair as he whispered, “You’re gonna be alright, Sara. Don’t cry.”

“I didn’t mean for this to happen, Darrin. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, Sara, just be glad that we had the last two months with each other. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.”

Sara fisted his shirt in one hand, slapping his chest with her other hand. “Damn it, Darrin. Why do you have to be so nice? You should hate me right now.”

Darrin grabbed her hands in his, gently pulling her off his shirt. He put both of her hands in one hand, brushing a tender kiss across her knuckles, before releasing her. “I could never hate you, Sara. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you my heart. I can’t think of anyone better to entrust it to, but I don’t know how.”

The tears fell unrestrained as she choked out, “You loved me in your own way, Darrin. Thank you for that.” Sara kissed her fingertips, then softly placed her fingers against Darrin’s lips. “It will only take me a few minutes to pack up my clothes and stuff. I can find a ride home.”

Darrin just nodded his head as a lone tear fell from his cheek. “Sara, I want you to promise me something. Promise me you won’t let him take away who you are.”

Sara could barely breathe as she tried to hold herself together enough to answer, “I promise, Darrin. I promise.”

Darrin swiped away the moisture from under his eye, wiping it on his jeans. “Go on, Sara. Get out of here before I change my mind and hog-tie you to the chair in the office.”

A pained laughed passed through her lips as she turned to leave. After she had the door open and was half way outside, she stole a quick glance back in Darrin’s direction. He had turned away, and was leaning against the wooden counter, with his shoulders slumped forward. Sara heard him mutter to himself as the door closed, “I’m better as a memory, kid.”

W
ith her purse slung over one arm, and two tote bags in her hands, Sara stood on Darrin’s front porch, waiting for her ride to pick her up. Her list of friends in town had dwindled down to next to nothing and her sister was two states away, in Sturgis. It was only a few miles to her trailer, but Sara was sure that Darrin would intervene if she tried to hoof it, especially this late at night. Plus, her car was in town at Bryn’s apartment. The few old girlfriends from town that she tried to call were either not answering or out of town. One phone number had even been disconnected.

The last name she found in her contact list that seemed plausible was Craig Leighton, the beefy bartender from the bar. He answered on the third ring, with a barely audible “Yup” that was muffled by some obnoxious music in the background. After stuttering that she needed a ride, but didn’t go into any further specifics than where she was, Craig just answered, “Sit tight. I’ll be right there.”

Lights flashed as a car pulled into the driveway. As soon as the car had turned around in the make-shift circle driveway, Sara could see out of the corner of her eye that Darrin had stepped out from the front door of the shop. He didn’t make any attempt to come closer to her, but instead held up his hand in a tight wave, as the corners of his lips turned up in a pained smile. Sara returned the gesture as she quickly climbed into the car. Fresh tears started again when she saw Darrin’s shoulders fall as he trudged towards the house.

Craig reached over the center console to grab Sara’s hands that she was tightly fisting in her lap. “Are you okay, Sara?”

Sniffling as she answered, “Not really. Thank you for coming to get me.”

Craig patted her hand before he moved it back to grip the steering wheel. “No problem. It wasn’t that busy tonight anyway. You wanna talk about it? Bartenders are good listeners.”

Sara half-snorted as she leaned back against the head rest, closing her eyes to block out the piercing light from the oncoming cars. Her eyes felt like they had been scrubbed with sandpaper, they were so dried out. “I just want to go home,” she whimpered.

“Ok, Sara. But will you call someone to stay with you tonight?”

“Sure, Craig,” she lied.