Hush (12 page)

Siva asking about
my
past?
Were we going to sing campfire songs and hold hands now?

Sloane, he did shove you into a wall and smother you with his lips.

“You really want to know?” I asked playing with the sand again. A light breeze lifted my multi-hued hair around my shoulders.

“I want to know everything about you,” he said softly, almost painfully.

“Well,” I said. “There’s not much to tell. My mom and dad met while they were in high school. My dad joined the military and they got married. I came nine months later,” I smiled. “They never had any more kids even though I begged for a sibling. My dad spoiled me but not in the way you’d think. He taught me how to fight off an attacker. Fat lot of good it did me,” I laughed. “My mom’s kind of an airhead. I worry about her. But… my life just wasn’t there. I had to leave. So, I did. She never understood my need to be a journalist or my desire to come to London. She… My mom wanted me to be just like her. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing because it’s not. But she wanted me to graduate high school, get married, and pop out kids. That’s not for me,” I said.

“You don’t want kids,” he said and he looked sad. That surprised me.

“I do want kids. But I wanted a career first.”

“Ah,” he said.

“I need to go see her. It’s been… too long. Far too long,” I said softly. “Siva, can I ask you a question?”

His muscles tightened and his jaw tensed.

“Yes.”

“Do you… Do you feel sick and breathless and the farthest thing from happy?” I let the sand fall through my fingers like the sand in an hour glass.

He gasped.
His lips parting and his white teeth shining in the sun.

Time passed and silence stretched on.

I thought he wasn’t going to answer.

“Yes.”

Chapter Eight

I didn’t know what to say. I was shocked to say the least.

“Do you-” I choked on my words. “Do you feel that way about
me?
” I squeaked. I hated how high my voice went.

He glared at me. “What do you think?”

I gulped.

“Have you ever felt that way before?” I asked. I hated how nervous I felt. I hated even more that his answer mattered.

“Thank the lord I haven’t. It’s not a particularly pleasant feeling,” he sighed.

Why did I feel so relieved that he hadn’t loved anyone before?

Sloane, he didn’t actually say he loved you.

I pouted at my conscious. I wished she would just shut up.

I was surprised when Siva’s fingers twined with mine. I stared at our joined hands, a jolt going through my body; I never wanted him to let me go.

He was stretched out on his side and I was sitting with my legs tucked under me.

“Sloane,” he said and tucked a
piece of my hair behind my ear
with his other hand. “You- you make me want to be a better man. You made me quit smoking-”

I gave him a look.

“Well, mostly,” he shrugged his shoulders and a smile almost lifted his lips. “I want to take care of you, Sloane. I’ve never felt like that before. Ever. It’s a strange feeling but… I don’t want it to go away either. When I saw-” his jaw clenched. “When that son of a bitch put his hands on you… I’ve never felt protective before. At least not since Saia killed herself. Saia’s death hardened me. I stopped feeling. Sloane, you make me feel again.”

He pressed his lips to mine and pushed me down on the towel. His body hovered over mine. My lips matched every movement of his. I thought my heart was going to beat right out of my chest. Despite the space between our bodies I was sure he could feel its patter. 

“You
. Drive. Me. Crazy.” He said in
between
breaths.

I wanted to say, “Back at you, bud,” but my brain was too fuzzy to formulate words.

I heard someone on the beach whistle at us and I blushed but Siva didn’t stop.

“Completely. Crazy.” He said.

My fingers tangled in his soft black hair. It was softer than I had imagined.

“Siva,” I breathed and I could feel his smile against my lips.

After another moment he finally released my lips but kept his hold on me.

“This is…
new
for me,” he said to me. I was trying not to drown in his violet eyes. They were so
purple
. I had never seen eyes like his. So, unique, just like everything about him. “I’m sort of a…” he looked at me, ashamed, “love
em
’ and leave
em
’ type.”

I looked down at our hands and bit my lip. My hair blew in the ocean breeze. “Are…” I found my voice after a time. He waited patiently. “Are you going to do that to me?” I asked looking back up into his swirling eyes.

He seemed startled by the question. “No,” he said. “Don’t you see what I’m trying to tell you? You… You’re different Sloane.
Different from other girls.
Better.” He sat up straight but didn’t let go of my hand. His hand was warm and solid in my grasp and it sent little zings all through my body. “It figures that the one girl that would make me feel this way would have loved my brother,” he laughed sardonically to himself.

“I did love Dev,” I said and swallowed. “But… Now I think that I didn’t love him the right way. He was more like my best friend not my… Well, you get the idea,” I said.

“Is what I feel… wrong?” he asked after a time. His purple eyes bore into my gold ones. I was falling, drowning, and I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t breathe.

“If what you feel is wrong then what I feel for you is doubly wrong.”

“Do two wrongs make a right?” he asked.

“No, not usually,” I said.

“Not usually,” he repeated. “Does that mean you’re willing to try?”

I
looked out at the vast ocean trying to calm my racing heart. “I think it does,” I breathed.

“Good,” he said. “Good,” he repeated.

But was it?

* * *

“Let’s go out for dinner,” said Siva suddenly. We had come back into the house, showered the sand off of our bodies, and were now reclining peacefully in the sunny yellow family room. Siva was sitting on the couch and I was lying with my head in his lap. Every little bit his fingers would gently massage my scalp. I soon found my lids growing heavy but his words roused me to wakefulness.

“Where?” I asked.

He thought for a moment. “There’s a really nice seafood restaurant near here. Right on the water,” he said.

“Sure,” I said. “That sounds great.” I paused. “Is this like…
a date?
” I asked, bracing myself for his answer in case it wasn’t the one I wanted to hear. I even squished my eyes shut and held my breath while I waited.

“Uh… yeah. I guess so. I’ve never actually gone a date before,” he said and the air gushed out of my lungs in a whoosh.

“Right,” I said, “love
em
’ and leave
em
’.”

Siva flinched. “I can change… for you. I will.”

I hoped he could. I really did. I didn’t want to lose Siva. He had become my friend.
My moody, arrogant, annoying, friend but a friend nonetheless.
I felt like I needed him in my life. Like I would be incomplete without him.

“When do you want to go eat?” I asked, grasping for a much needed change of subject.

“Now, I guess. I’m hungry,” he said.

“Sounds good,” I said sitting up and stretching my limbs. My joints creaked and popped like an old woman’s.

I had on a pair of fitted jeans and an ivory Greek style shirt with intricate bead work along the top. Siva was also in a pair of jeans.
Jeans that looked like they cost more than this house.
But man could he wear those jeans. They hung delectably off of his lean hips, just so. He looked better than a model. He had on a fitted lightweight lavender sweater, much like the green one he’d worn earlier and his feet were bare. Siva stood and slipped his black flip flops on. I grabbed a lightweight jacket that I had brought and tugged it on. The evening air had grown cool. I slipped a pair of flats on my feet and joined Siva at the door. He grabbed his car keys and we headed out.

* * *

“You know, when you said right on the water I didn’t know you meant literally
right on the water
,” I said as we trekked across the dock to the restaurant that hung over the ocean.

Siva’s deep laugh filled the evening air. “I didn’t know it needed clarification.”

I smiled at him. He was so handsome I thought my insides might burst. I couldn’t believe he was mine.

He’s not really yours Sloane. Don’t go picking out bridesmaids dresses just yet.
My conscious sneered at me.

I told her to kiss my butt.

He opened the door for me, his hand on the small of my back, as he guided me inside.

The hostess smiled kindly at us. “Two?” she asked.

“Yes,” said Siva and he fidgeted nervously.

“Now’s the time to run,” I said under my breath, half joking, half afraid he’d listen.

“I’m not going to run,” he said, his lips lifting slightly, making the scar stand out. But his eyes still shifted around uneasily like he was searching for an exit.

The hostess placed the menu’s down on a table and I sat. Siva cleared his throat and glared
at
the hostess. She shrank under his gaze. I didn’t blame her. That gaze was deadly when it was aimed at you.

“I’d prefer something more private. Maybe the rooftop deck?” he suggested but his tone brooked no argument.

Her eyes shifted to the floor and a red flush covered her skin in splotches. The poor girl looked ready to break out in hives.

“Uh… that isn’t open at this time,” she mumbled.

“I see,” he said and she flinched at his icy tone. “Will this make a difference?” he asked as he slid some cash into her hand.

“Uh… uh… certainly. Right this way, sir.” She grabbed up our menus. I stood and began to follow her.

She led us up a carpeted staircase. Everything in the restaurant was done in
red
and navy.
Very nautical.

It was cold and slightly windy when we reached the rooftop deck and I immediately understood why it wasn’t open. She motioned for Siva to pick a tab
le. No doubt she was afraid he’d
bite her head off if she picked the wrong one. He chose a table for two against the deck looking straight down at the ocean with an unbelievable view of the sunset. I gasped at the beauty of it. Siva pulled out the chair for me, cleared his throat nervously as I sat down, and I swore I saw a blush beginning to creep up his caramel colored neck.

He pushed my seat in and then sat down across from me tugging on his sweater. The hostess sat down our menus, went over the evening specials, and then turned on an outdoor heater. Bless her. I mouthed, “sorry”, at her as she left but she didn’t see. Siva did though. I swallowed.

Oh no.

“Sorry. For.
What?
”

Oh no, no, no, no, no. He was not about to go all moody, arrogant, jerk on me was he?

I bit my lip
and picked at my fingers
. I wished desperately that I had some food, or even a glass of water to distract me.

“What are you sorry for, Sloane?” he asked again in that deadly icy voice.

I straightened in my chair, bracing myself.

“For your ridiculous behavior. The place she seated us was perfectly alright,” I said.

“It was too loud and far from private,” he countered.

“You didn’t have to bite her head off,” I said.

“Are we arguing Sloane?”

“It’s what we do best,” I shrugged my shoulders. My mouth had gone dry and I found myself wishing for water again. “Although it’s probably a bad sign. We should probably just quit while we’re ahead,” I said and found my eyes
moistened with tears
.

Don’t leak, don’t leak,
don’t
leak. I repeated in my head as if the words themselves could form a dam.

“Arguing is a fact of life. Arguing shows passion. I think we’re both very passionate people Sloane. And by the way,” he said leaning across the table so that he was closer to me, he lowered his voice, “I’m not a quitter.” He sat back.

I bit my lip and I was still biting it nervously when the waiter showed up with two glasses of water. Siva ordered some fancy wine, that I couldn’t even begin to pronounce, and I told him to just go ahead and order my meal.

The waiter disappeared down the steps. I took a sip of my lemon ice water. The
,
this-is-awkward meter had reached its boiling point.

“Sloane, come on,” said Siva, that British accent making me want to melt.

Hold your ground girl. You can do it.

“Don’t be mad,” he said and his violet eyes got bigger. The waiter had lit a candle on the table and the reflection was doing wonderful things to his skin.

Sloane.
Scolded my conscious.

“Remember,” he said, “I’m new to this. Be patient with me. I- I’m trying Sloane, I really am. But you have to work with me. Please Sloane,” he said. Hurt clouded his violet eyes.

“Siva,” I said and snapped my jaw closed. “I… I’m sorry,” I finally said.

His face fell. “Why? Because you can’t do this?”

“I’m not sure I can,” I said and those treacherous tears threatened to leak out. Instead the tears flooded my eyes until my vision blurred. 

“Please,” he said and sounded like a lost little boy. “Please just
try
,” he said and his voice broke.

How quickly he had gone from moody and arrogant to pleading and lost. Everything was a roller coaster ride with Siva. A roller coaster I just couldn’t seem to get off.

“But I a
m trying Siva,” I said softly, m
y eyes taking in the pure white table cloth. The place screamed money at me and I felt sorely out of place.

He sat back in his seat. His hand rested on his knee which bounced up and down in nervous anticipation. “Try harder,” he growled.
The iciness returning and the little boy leaving.
I wished the little boy would stay m
ore often. I liked him better t
han this… this… I didn’t know what
this
was.

“I can only try so hard Siva. You know, a relationship isn’t a one way street,” I snapped.

He looked shocked at my tone. I was normally so even tempered.

“Okay,” he said and his small smile returned quirking at the corners. “I will no longer snap at the wait staff, deal?”