Hurting To Feel (Carpool Dolls) (17 page)

A
disorder? She scanned the possible causes that would make someone want to
control, hurt, and humiliate another person. She pinned a few reasons she could
believe caused Nathan to enjoy inflicting pain on her.

The
rest were heartbreaking. An early experience with loss, abuse, and frequent
exposure to relying on oneself for survival...

Her
head hurt for the child inside of Nathan and what he'd gone through to make him
need to harm others to feed his psych. She swallowed the lump in her throat.

She
came to the end of the page. Sexual gratification, control, and the need to
hurt someone either physically or emotionally created a high within the sadist.
A nirvana…

She
sat back in the chair and let her hands fall in her lap. He needed her.

Not
only her, but also what he could do to her. The beatings, the power trips–she
sank her head in her hands–the degrading.

She
rubbed her face. That explained why he went from cold to hot, and could slap
her as well as hold her through the night. But, how could she accept the side
of him that was quick to open his hand and slap her or hold her down and take
everything from her?

She
noticed another window open on the computer screen and clicked on it. She read,
'What is a masochist?'
Oh, frick. I can't take this.

Detached
from learning some people enjoyed pain and got off on someone who'd put them
into the position where they have no control, Addison quickly shut down any
idea that she was anything like these clinical cases they were talking about.
She'd bet her company that not one of the research subjects had the guts to
fight and succeed at proving Carpool Dolls was a legitimate business plan and
bring it to Forbes attention, or have the drive to succeed when everyone told
her to give up. She scoffed.

Masochist
seek acceptance. Commonly placed in a position of needing approval, whether
from an unemotional parent or lacking a father figure.

She
held her breath and scrolled down.

The
inability to differentiate between good touch and bad touch, the masochist
greedily accepts the pain as love they desperately need.
She covered her mouth with her hand. By the time she finished reading the page,
she could understand why she'd succumbed to Nathan.

Understand,
but not accept.

She
raised her gaze and found Nathan standing in the doorway. He stepped forward,
and she held up her hand.

She
stood. "Please don't…"

He
tilted his head and shoved his hands in his pockets. She blew out her cheeks
and let the air out. The article was wrong.

Nathan
did nothing to humiliate her. She'd humiliated herself.

"Addy."
His gaze softened. "Talk to me."

She
shook her head. "Not now. I'm going to make us dinner."

"We
need to discuss what's going on." His body stiffened. "I could make
you talk if you refuse."

She
dipped her chin. "Yes, you could. I'm asking you not to. Let me…soak in
all the information first."

He
nodded, and she sensed it took everything he had not to use his hand to get
what he wanted from her. "Later then."

She
walked past him. Each step more painful than the first. She needed the
distance, and she hated that she wanted to run back to him and throw herself at
his feet.

Chapter
Nineteen

Nathan
waited until seven o'clock to arrive at Carpool Dolls. He'd asked Addison to
trust him, but after three days of waiting to talk over what she'd learned on
the website, she still hadn't opened up to him.

She'd
fucked. She'd cowered. She'd lain broken on the bedroom floor after a
particular heavy altercation when he demanded she let him inside her head. But,
she'd remained closed off, despite her body willingly submitting.

"Mr.
Raffy." Lilly tapped his arm from the backseat. "Is this where
Addison lives?"

"Sh."
Joan pulled her daughter back and put her arm around her to keep her away from
Nathan.

He
peered in the rearview mirror. "She lives with me. This is where Addison
works, and where your mom will work soon."

Joan
caught his eye and turned to gaze out the window without saying a word. He'd
given her no choice. Addison wanted Joan to work for her and he damn well would
make sure Addison received what she wanted.

In
return for Joan's cooperation, he'd set her up in a low income apartment
building this afternoon with the threat that she was not to tell Addison about
what he'd done to get her to walk away from the camp.

"It's
time." He exited the car and opened the rear door.

Lilly,
obviously feeling better today, bounded out onto the sidewalk and peered up at
the building. Joan quickly grabbed her daughter's hand and followed him to the
front door. Not for the first time, he was reminded that he needed to talk to
Addison about having her doors locked while she was upstairs in the office
alone.

There
was no sense of having an opened business when clients never came to the
building, but called for a doll to meet at a preapproved pick up spot. Being an
office full of women put them at a risk for anyone to walk in off the street
and cause trouble. He took the elevator, holding the doors while the two ladies
followed him inside.

The
doors closed. He pushed the second floor button. "You will tell Addison
you're here to take her up on the job offer. When she asks where you are
staying, you'll tell her with friends until you get enough money for a deposit
on an apartment. When she insists on paying for your lodgings, you'll take the
money she gives you. Don't argue with her. Whatever she offers, indulge her,
and accept. Do you understand?"

"Yes,"
Joan said.

"Mommy,
what's indulge?" Lilly peered up at her mom.

Joan
squeezed her daughter's hand. "Shush, baby. Let's be quiet while we visit
your angel."

Angel.
Nathan warmed. Apparently, he wasn't the only person who believed Addison was
sent straight from heaven to make his life richer.

The
doors opened. He followed them out of the elevator and motioned toward the door
to the left. "Go ahead."

At
Addison's door, Lilly hesitated and glanced behind her. Her smile came quickly,
and he winked before he caught himself. He liked kids, and Lilly deserved a
roof over her head.

He
didn't fault Joan for raising her child on the street. At least they were
together, which was more than a lot of people who stayed in the encampments and
shelters had. Even living for years on his own, he understood the security that
came with the community of those surviving on the street. In their own way,
they formed a bond.

Not
a trusting bond, never that. When you were thankful for waking up at all and
found yourself stiff and achy from lying on the cold ground, comfort came from
a single look from someone who understood how death seemed easier than living.

"Joan!"
Addison's voice came from inside the office.

Unable
to resist, Nathan walked closer and stood in the doorway. He leaned his
shoulder against the frame and crossed his arms. The joy on Addison's face made
his trouble over convincing Joan to come worth it. In the end, he had to
threaten the woman, and he felt no remorse. He did it for Addison, and
eventually Joan would see he was right.

Addison's
smile meant everything to him, and he hadn't realized how much he missed that
part of her until right this minute. Knowing he'd been the one to put the
happiness back in her spirit made him feel good. She gave openly and honestly
where he wouldn't allow himself to go.

"Guess
what, Addison?" Lilly tugged on Addison's hand.

Addison
bent down and gave Lilly all her attention. He stepped forward and stopped
himself. He wanted that same open and genuine courtesy directed at him.

Addison's
smile fell away and her gaze slowly came to him in the doorway. Without taking
her eyes off him, she spoke quietly to Lilly. Then Addison walked to him.

"You
brought them to me?" She put her hand on his stomach and leaned into him.

He
shrugged. "They needed a ride."

"Thank
you," she whispered.

Her
pupils dilated and her cheeks flushed. His body hardened as her fingers curled
in his shirt. Attuned to her every need, he couldn't miss how she no longer hid
her desire from him.

"Take
care of them, and then call me when you're done. I'll swing by and pick you
up," he whispered, tracing the curve of her cheek with his finger.

She
trembled under his touch. "I'll hurry."

"Doll…"
He looked at the ceiling and found the strength to give her space. He could
wait. "Go take care of them."

Without
distracting her more, he turned and walked out. In his car, he had a
destination in mind. It'd been too long since he'd returned to Professor Frank.
He was overdue for a visit, and for the first time, he looked forward to
telling him about Addison.

Fifteen
minutes later, he arrived at the private entrance to the cottage behind University
of Portland where Professor Frank taught. He walked through the gate, down the
gravel path, and stopped at the door.

Francis
Peter Lawrence – Professor Frank

The
twelve inch by six-inch bronze-plated nameplate hung on the door since Nathan's
first visit, so many years ago. He ran his finger over the letters. With no family
or children of his own, Professor joked that the school would rip off the
nameplate and use it for a grave marker when he died at his desk. He warmed in
a way only his friend could put him at ease, because it was just like Professor
Frank to worry about having some monstrosity littering the earth after he was
gone.

Professor
left his mark on the world while teaching, including Nathan. He'd never forget
how much he owed his friend.

He
shook his head, leaving the thought of losing Professor someday. Dying was
never a topic they discussed, and he wondered why not. They'd shared everything
about their lives with one another, but never what happened after they succeeded
in living.

The
professor was the only person who knew everything about him. Even Donny, his
own brother, only identified with parts of him that he chose to show him.

With
his secrets well kept by Professor Frank, no one would find out about him. No
one needed to know the darkness that motivated him to hurt others. Until Addy,
no one had wanted to know.

He
knocked and let his arm fall to his side. Addy had begged, pleaded, and when
those failed, she'd teased her way into finding out more about his past. Ever
since he tried to help her learn why she'd submitted to him so easily, she'd
taken a one-thought approach to discovering what made him tick.

His
good deed backfired. All he'd wanted to do was show her that there was nothing
wrong with her. She needed the pain he could give her.

He
closed his eyes briefly against the direction of his thoughts.
Addy.

The
door opened. He stood straighter, because the last thing he wanted Professor to
do was worry about him.

"Nathan…"
Professor stepped back and motioned him inside.

In
his sixty's, Professor Frank kept himself fit by jogging five miles three times
a week and swore that one hundred sit-ups and one hundred pushups every morning
would keep him from falling over from a heart attack. Nathan thought it was the
women and extra-curricular activities that kept him in shape, but who was he to
argue.

"Busy?"
He stood in the foyer.

Professor
shook his head, and then ran a hand through his gray hair. "Not for
you."

Nathan
found himself pulled into a hug. Not a normal hug, but one he'd hated and
appreciated at the same time. Professor Frank engulfed him with both arms, and
held him. The pressure, the close contact, the show of affection was typical
for them.

Not
that Professor Frank gave his hugs to many people. In fact, he'd never seen the
Professor hug anyone but him.

Professor
Frank whispered in his ear," Talk."

Without
letting go, he said, "I fucked up."

Whether
he admitted his mistake to himself or Professor Frank, the words brought him no
relief.

Professor
Frank slapped him on the back. "Let's sit in the other room, and you can
tell me what happened."

Seated
in the wingback chair in front of the curtained window, Nathan leaned forward
and braced his elbows on his knees. "Met a woman—he broke his gaze and
looked at the floor—and told her about me. Some things. Enough."

Professor
crossed his legs and put his arm along the back of the couch. "Are you
regretting your decision?"

"No."
He shrugged. "Yeah. She's a good person."

The
professor said, "So are you."