Hummingbird Heart (9 page)

The drive home was long and silent. It was still raining, a steady
tap-splatter-tap
against the windshield. The wipers squeaked and the one on the passenger side left a wide swath of window unwiped. I felt myself retreating further and further inside. Like one of those Russian dolls. Like a snail. I wished I could just curl up inside a shell and be left alone.

When we had pulled into the driveway, my mother turned off the engine but didn't get out of the car. Without turning to look at us, she spoke. “Listen….”

I froze, one hand on the door handle, not sure whether I wanted to hear what she had to say.

“I'm sorry I dragged you two out of there like that,” she said, her words coming out slow and careful, like she'd spent the drive planning exactly what she would say. “The thing is, I don't think Mark is someone that we want in our lives.”

I stared at my hands. My nails had a scattering of white marks across them, like tiny little scars. “Why?” My voice was a hoarse whisper. “What did he say?”

She shook her head. “As your mother, it is my job to make the decisions that I think are best for you—”

I cut her off, anger starting to build inside me like static electricity. I could feel the tiny hairs on my arms lifting. “Since when?” I said. “Since when do you base your decisions on what's best for us?”

“Dylan…”

“No, really. Because it seems to me that it's always all about you and what you want.” I would have said more, but beside me, Karma was starting to cry silently, tears welling up and spilling over. She wiped them away fiercely when she saw me looking, and turned to face the window.

Mom shook her head. “He's a selfish asshole. He always was.” She looked at me, and then looked away, blinking. Her eyes were wet. “Just do your best to forget about him, Dylan. Please.”

“She wouldn't even give you an explanation?” Toni asked. She scrunched her nose and wrinkled her forehead like this was the weirdest thing she'd ever heard.

It was Monday morning and we were standing in the school hallway. People were rushing past, voices raised, laughter ringing out, locker doors banging. I focused on Toni's round freckled face and wished I'd never told anyone that Mark was here. Then I wouldn't look like such an idiot. I wouldn't have to listen to all these questions. I didn't have any answers to give anyway. “No. She said I should forget about him.”

“Huh.” Toni was silent for a moment. “I bet he made a pass at her. You think?”

“Nah. He's married.”

“So? Didn't stop my dad,” Toni said bitterly.

Toni's dad had taken off after he got reacquainted with his high-school girlfriend at a twenty-year reunion. “I don't think so,” I said flatly. “Anyway, my mom never gets mad if someone makes a pass at her. She loves it when guys flirt with her.” I rolled my eyes. “She says it's a compliment.”

“Speaking of which…” Toni raised her eyebrows. “What's up with you and Jax?”

“Nothing.”

“Yeah? That's not how it looked at Jessica's.”

I shrugged. “Yeah. I don't know.”

“Mmm.” Toni glanced at her watch. “Look, I should go. I told Finn I'd meet him at lunch.” She shifted from one foot to the other. “You don't mind, do you?”

“I'm used to it,” I said, and instantly regretted it. The words had just slipped out.

“What does that mean?”

“Just that whenever Finn is around, I get dumped. Okay? That's all.”

Toni's eyes darkened. “That's not fair.”

“Whatever.” I knew it wasn't fair, but right now I didn't care. The anger inside me felt like a living thing, something I could barely control. It wasn't even Toni I was mad at, but that didn't matter either.

She looked annoyed. “You don't understand, Dylan. I mean, you've never even had a boyfriend.”

“Fuck you,” I said. As soon as I'd said it, my anger vanished. I wanted to snatch the words back. I didn't think I'd ever said that before, to anyone.

Her eyes widened and she flinched as if I had tried to hit her.

I couldn't think of anything else to say. I just stood there stupidly, like a bystander watching some other version of myself, some robot-clone gone berserk. Dylan Jarvis Version Two, maybe. DJ 2.0. My new alter ego.

Toni took off, half running down the hall. We'd never had a fight like this before. I waited to feel upset or angry, but all I felt was kind of hollow and detached.

I was still standing there, staring down the empty hall, when Jax walked up.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi,” I said.

“What're you up to?”

“Nothing.” I felt oddly confident. I could look right at him, no trouble. Maybe DJ 2.0 was still in charge.

“Wanna come for a bike ride?”

“A bike ride?”

“Motorbike.” He raised one eyebrow, daring me. “Come on. Just a quick spin.”

“I've got class.”

He raised one eyebrow.

My heart was beating fast. “Do you have an extra helmet?”

“Of course I do.” He laughed. “What are you, Safety Girl?”

“Just checking.”

“Don't worry,” Jax said, winking. “I always take precautions.”

I blushed. Was he talking about what I thought he was? I summoned DJ 2.0 back. Let her deal with this. “Okay,” I heard myself saying. “I'll come for a ride.”

I was terrified for the first few minutes, convinced we were going to crash any second, imagining my body lying under a twisted heap of smoking metal, legs torn and bleeding, neck snapped, spinal cord severed. But after a while, when nothing remotely like that had happened, I began to relax. My arms were wrapped around Jax's waist, and the engine was too loud for conversation.

To be this close to him, physically, our bodies actually touching, and yet not have to worry about talking or moving or even about making eye contact…it was perfect. I could feel my heart beating over the thrum of the motorbike's engine. The wind was forcing tears from my eyes and chasing them across my temples and into my hair.

I could have driven all day, but eventually Jax pulled the bike off the side of the road and onto a grassy verge. He shut off the engine and I let go of him, feeling suddenly awkward.

He twisted around to face me, grinning widely. “So? What did you think?”

“I loved it,” I said. “It was incredible. I didn't know…”

“Yeah. It's better than anything.” He winked. “Well, almost anything.”

And I, Dylan Jarvis—shy Dylan, uptight-about-sex Dylan, never-had-a-boyfriend Dylan—just laughed. I felt like I was high.

Jax took his helmet off and shook his hair back from his face. “So what did you do for the rest of the weekend? Anything interesting?”

To my surprise, I found myself spilling the whole story. It was like running downhill. I talked faster and faster and once I got started, I couldn't stop.

“Shit,” Jax said when I finally ran out of words. “That's wild. So your dad's this total mystery man. That's wild.”

I didn't see what was so wild about it, but I just shrugged. “I guess.”

“So why do you figure your mom won't tell you what's going on? Don't you want to know?”

I thought about it for a moment. Did I really want to know? “Yeah,” I said. “Even if he's…you know, a criminal or something…I want to know.”

“So, you gotta find out.”

I shook my head. “My mother won't tell me. When she makes up her mind about something…”

“Yeah, your mom sounds like a bitch. Why don't you just ask him yourself?”

Bitch
. The word startled me and I felt a flicker of loyalty toward my mother, but it was almost immediately wiped out by another wave of anger. What right did Mom have to keep information from me? She was always going on about how close we were. Right. I knew which of her boyfriends had given her an
STD
and I knew about the time she got busted for driving drunk, but I knew next to nothing about my own father. And she'd lied to me about sending those photographs. For eight
years
. I wondered what else she'd lied to me about.

I'd had enough. If my mother wouldn't tell me, maybe Mark would.

e
L
even

After school, I was supposed to take Karma to the Boys and Girls Club. Mom had signed her up for another group, and I figured I could drop her off and then, if I had enough nerve, go down to the Ocean Front Hotel and see if Mark was still there. Mom thought I was having dinner at Toni's place, so she wouldn't worry if I was late getting home.

“The last after-school club was okay because Scott was there,” Karma told me as we got on the bus. “But the woman running this one is really annoying.”

“How come?” My hands were sweating just thinking about my plan. I pressed them against my jeans and hoped I wouldn't lose my nerve.

Karma shrugged. “She just bugs me. She's pretends we're just playing games, but she's always trying to get us to talk about stuff. About our
feelings
.” She made it sound like a bad word.

“Did you tell Mom you don't want to go?”

“Duh. Course I did.” She slid into a back-row seat. “Last week I went downtown instead. That's why Amanda made you go with me today, you know. To make sure I got there.”

“You skipped your group?” I sat down beside her, not sure whether to be impressed or concerned. Even I knew that hanging out downtown was a shortcut to all kinds of trouble for a kid her age.

She nodded. “It's a waste of time. Anyway, I wanted to look at the bike repair stuff down at Green City Cycle.”

I laughed. “Of course you did.”

“What's so funny?”

“Nothing.” I pushed the button. “Your stop. You want me to meet you after or can you make your own way home?”

Karma didn't budge. “What are you going to do? Are you meeting Toni?”

“MYOB, kiddo.”

“Dylan…tell me.” The bus pulled to a stop, but Karma didn't budge. “Please?”

I watched a couple of passengers swipe bus passes. “If I tell you, will you get off the bus?”

“Sure.” She stood up.

An older man sat down across the aisle from us, and I lowered my voice, even though no one was listening. “I'm going to see if I can find Mark.”

Karma's eyes widened. “As in, your father?” She sat back down. “I'm totally coming with you.”

“Karma!”

She didn't budge. The bus driver pulled back into the flow of traffic, heading toward downtown. “Mom's going to kill me,” I said.

“Because of me skipping group or you seeing Mark?”

“Either. Both. Take your pick.”

Karma grinned. “I won't tell if you don't.”

“The Club will call her and you know it.” I just hoped Mark wouldn't do the same.

“Are you mad?” Karma sounded more curious than worried.

“You drive me crazy, you know that?”