Hummingbird Heart (12 page)

Mom looked out the window and drew in a sharp breath. “Is that your date?”

“He's not a
date
.” I watched Jax approach the house.

“Well, he's good-looking all right.” Mom's tone made it sound like a bad thing.

“What's your problem?” I asked.

“No problem.” She leaned forward, peering into the darkness outside. “Dylan! A motorbike? You didn't tell me he was picking you up on a motorbike.”

“Less fuel consumption than a car,” I said, lifting my chin and flipping my hair off my face. The thought of seeing Jax buoyed me up, made me feel tougher and harder, made me not care so much about everything. “You should get rid of that station wagon, you know. It's an environmental hazard. Time to join the twenty-first century, Mom.”

“Don't change the subject.” Mom glanced through the kitchen door into the living room, where Karma was curled on the couch with a book, and lowered her voice. “You know that's how Sheri was killed.”

“Sheri was drunk. She drove into a hydro pole. That doesn't mean motorbikes are inherently dangerous.”

“Drop the sarcasm, Dylan. And the attitude. Christ. The world does not revolve around you, you know. I know you're upset…”

“Try seriously pissed off, Mom. That'd be closer.”

“Is this still about the photographs?” She narrowed her eyes at me. “I don't expect you to see it this way, but I was doing you a favor.”

My heart started to race. “I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about Mark. I don't want to talk about you lying to me. Okay?” I stepped away from her. “I have to go.”

She opened her mouth like she was going to say something; then she stopped and sighed. “Okay. Go.” She caught my arm as I pushed past her, and gave me a hard look. “Jesus, baby. What's with all the face paint?”

“It's just eyeliner.” My cheeks felt hot. I didn't wear makeup often because it made me look like a kid playing dress-up. I wanted to look older, not younger. I wished I had time to go and check in a mirror, but I could hear Jax coming up the porch stairs, and I didn't want to leave him alone with my mom. “It's no big deal. Everyone wears eyeliner.”

She shook her head. “Just be careful. Please?”

“I always am.” I snapped my chewing gum, spat it into the garbage and walked down the stairs to the front door.

THI
r
T
een

“Where are we going?” The wind tore my words away. I leaned closer to Jax, so that my helmet was almost touching his. “Where are we going?” I yelled.

Jax shouted something back, but I couldn't make it out. It didn't matter anyway, I decided. I closed my eyes and felt the wind on my face as we flew down the road. Speed. There was nothing like this feeling. It erased my anxiety, drove all thoughts out of my mind. We could crash, I told myself, but I didn't care. Everyone had to die eventually, and there were worse ways to go.
Like leukemia
.

Jax took a corner fast, and I tried to keep my body aligned with his as he leaned the bike to one side. I hoped I was doing it right. He'd made a comment before about his ex-girlfriend being a bad passenger, and while I didn't quite know what that meant, I certainly didn't want to be one. He'd turned onto the curving road that circled the university campus, and I wondered again where we were going. Finally, he pulled to a stop and turned to look at me.

“Okay?”

I grinned, trying to look casual and carefree, and lifted my helmet off, shaking my hair loose. “Good.”

“My brother's in residence here. First year. Here, I'll take that. You can hop off.” He took my helmet. “He's having a few friends around for drinks. I said I'd stop by. Okay?”

“Yeah, great.” I'd never been in a university residence before. I could hardly wait to tell Toni. Assuming Toni was still speaking to me.

The room was small and neat, with a single bed along one wall, a desk and dresser on the other. Three girls and a guy were sitting on the bed; another guy was straddling a chair backward and a third was perched on the edge of the desk, holding a plastic Slurpee cup in two hands.

The guy on the bed stood up as we entered. He grinned widely. “Hey, you made it.” He punched Jax's shoulder lightly. “Yo, little bro.”

“Not so little,” one of the girls said. She laughed.

I waited for Jax to introduce me, but he didn't. I shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other and smoothed down my hair, which was all messy from the helmet and the wind.

Jax's brother handed us each a beer. “You'll have to excuse my rude little brother. He's never had any manners. I'm Jason. Jaxon and Jason.” He made a face. “Awful, huh? Our parents thought it was cute.”

“I'm Dylan.” I took the beer and couldn't help smiling.

“Shuffle over,” Jason ordered. The three girls groaned but moved down to the pillow end of the bed. They were all pretty in a casual, confident, unconcerned-about-appearances kind of way. Everyone introduced themselves, and I instantly forgot all their names. I often had trouble with names: I always got so worried about what I was going to say that I'd forget to even listen to the introduction.

I was about to perch cautiously on the other end of the bed, but Jax sat first and pulled me down so I was sitting on his lap. I felt my cheeks growing hot, but I didn't want to draw more attention to myself by objecting. I took a swig of beer and sat awkwardly on his legs, hoping I wasn't too heavy.

“So you go to school here?” I asked Jason. Duh. Obviously. Could I make myself look like any more of an idiot?

He just smiled though. He wasn't as good-looking as Jax—heavier, with glasses, a rounder, softer face and a goatee—but he had a nice smile. “Yeah. Computer science. I was here first actually. Jax and my parents followed me.”

The others were all talking and kidding around now. I knew I should join in, but I couldn't seem to do it. Twice I tried to speak, but no one heard me. Besides, I didn't really have anything to say. I didn't belong here. I felt prickly and antsy, like my skin was too tight. Jax's arm was heavy around my shoulders, and it was hard to sit still. I just wanted to get away.

“Is there a washroom around?” I asked.

One of the girls—Courtney, maybe—nodded. “Straight down the hall. Want me to show you?”

“No, I'll find it.”

Out in the hallway, I drew a deep breath. I felt like I might start crying. I just couldn't seem to do this sort of thing. What the hell was wrong with me? I walked down the hall, and around the corner; then I stopped and leaned against the wall. I needed to talk to Toni. I hesitated for a moment. What if she was still furious with me? I didn't think I could cope with that right now. But I couldn't stand having this awful tension between us. I sat down on the floor and pulled out my cell.

Toni picked up right away. “Dylan?”

“Hi, yeah, it's me.” I plunged forward. “Look, I'm so sorry about what I said. I mean, as soon as I said it I wished I hadn't.”

“It's okay. Me too. I shouldn't have said that about you being jealous either.”

I let out a long sigh. “I was such an idiot. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so glad you're not mad.”

“I hate fighting with you,” Toni said. “I mean, I really hate it.”

“Yeah.” We'd never really fought before, but this year, since the start of grade eleven, things had been all out of kilter. It was because of Finn, but it wasn't exactly his fault. It was like an ecosystem—introducing some new non-native plant or animal could throw everything else off balance and end up destroying a whole world. Like the rabbits in Australia: They'd been introduced as a nonnative animal and they'd overrun the country within a few years, eating all the grass the sheep needed and causing all kinds of problems. I pictured Finn and frowned. There was something rather rabbity about his mouth.

“What are you up to?” Toni asked.

“You won't believe this.”

“Tell me!”

“I'm at the university, at a party. With Jax.” It wasn't exactly a party, but Toni didn't need to know that.

“Shut up. You, at a party?”

“Yeah. His brother's in residence here.”

“Wow.” Toni was quiet for a moment. When she spoke again, it was with a hint of reservation. “I thought you told me this morning that nothing was going on with you and Jax.”

I nodded. It felt like a long time ago. “I know. I didn't think he was interested, but we went out together after lunch—I ended up skipping class.”

“You skipped? You? No way.”

“Way. I didn't exactly mean to.” I hesitated, wondering how much to say. “We just went for a ride on his motorbike.”

There was a pause. I could hear a second voice—a guy's voice—and Toni's muffled reply. Scratchy static. “Dylan? You still there?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Finn says…” She broke off. “Just be careful, okay? With Jax?”

“What do you mean?”

“Finn says he has a bit of a rep, that's all.”

“What kind of a rep?” I asked. My voice sounded stiff to my own ears, and I wasn't surprised that Toni backed down.

“Ah, you know. The usual.”

I didn't say anything.

Toni spoke again. “Sorry. Are you okay?”

I almost couldn't answer. “Not very,” I whispered. “Um, Toni? After school today? I went to see Mark. You know. My father.”

“Really? Shit. Does your mom know?”

“Not yet.”

“Wow. That's intense. So…how did it go?”

“I don't know.” The lump in my throat was back. “Not so good.”

“Look, let's hang out at lunch tomorrow, okay? And talk about it all then?”

“Tomorrow?”

“Is that okay? It's just, Finn is here. And you should probably get back to your party anyway, right?”

I swallowed painfully. “Don't tell Finn, okay? About Mark, I mean.”

Toni sounded offended. “As if I would.”

“No. I know. I'll talk to you tomorrow.” I disconnected and sat there for a minute. Then I walked slowly back down the hall to find Jax and the others.

Jax handed me another beer. “All right?”

I shook my head. “Fine, but I don't want another.”

“You sure? I already opened it.”

“Yeah. Sorry.” Everyone else seemed to think that getting drunk was fun, but the couple of times I had tried it, I'd just felt sick and giddy and spent the whole of the next day worrying about whether I'd said anything stupid. Even that party at Jessica's—I'd only had a few drinks and I'd felt lousy afterward.

“No problem.” He tipped the bottle up to his own lips and drank.

“So, Dylan,” Jason said. “Jax was telling us you just met your dad for the first time. That's pretty wild.”

There was a roaring in my ears and a feeling in my belly like the floor was dropping away beneath me. I turned to Jax. “You
told
them?”