Hummingbird Heart (23 page)

TW
en
TY-FIV
e

“Miniature World: The Greatest Little Show on Earth
,” I said, reading the sign aloud for Casey. She grabbed my hand, which took me by surprise. I wasn't really a kid-person. Mom said I'd always preferred the company of adults, even when I was little. I'd never been the babysitting type. I'd spent time with Karma, of course, but she'd been eight by the time she joined our family. So I wasn't too sure how to act with Casey.

Fortunately, Miniature World was open—I hadn't thought to check before we came. It was pretty much deserted though, the summer's tourists long gone. Mark had called Lisa on her cell phone. Apparently she was already downtown and would be able to join us.

It was lucky it was so empty, since Casey was practically shrieking with excitement by the time we got inside. Lisa arrived, still in her running clothes and with her hair wet from the rain, just as we were paying for our admission. She was a short fair woman, a little plump, with shoulder-length hair and an anxious smile. She kept patting my shoulder in a weird, almost compulsive manner. “So nice to finally meet you. I've heard so much about you.”

I raised my eyebrows. It seemed unlikely, given that Mark knew almost nothing about me.

She turned pink and patted my shoulder again. “We're very grateful.” She glanced at Casey. “You know. For…”

“No big thing,” I said quickly.

“Huge, for us.”

“Yeah, well. You know. Hopefully…”

“Hopefully.” Lisa nodded agreement. “We're all keeping our fingers crossed.” She actually crossed her fingers for real and held them up, smiling at me.

“You bet.” I crossed mine and held them up too, feeling like a complete dork.

She patted my shoulder again.

I moved away. Casey and Mark were already heading down the darkened hallway toward the exhibits. “Shall we?”

“Yes, yes. Sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“No, it's fine.” I practically sprinted down the hallway toward the others. “Casey! Wait up!”

We skipped past the miniature trains and the battle scenes and quickly found the room Casey wanted to see.

“World's largest dollhouses,” I whispered, bending down to Casey's level. She was just tall enough to see the displays without an adult lifting her up.

I thought she'd rush from one dollhouse to the next, but she took her time, carefully studying each one. She was wide-eyed and silent, staring at the tiny rooms and pointing wordlessly at one tiny piece of furniture after another. “Pretty cool, huh?” I said.

Casey nodded. “Pretty cool.”

It sounded funny coming from a little kid, and Lisa laughed. “That'll be her new phrase now, Dylan.”

I wondered if she had noticed how much I looked like Mark. It must have been pretty strange finding out that her husband had a teenage daughter. I straightened up and looked at her. “She's a cute kid.”

“She is.” Lisa looked like she was going to say something more, but she just cleared her throat and patted my shoulder again.

I forced a smile and turned back to Casey. “Let's go look at the next one. Okay? See, it's got a baby's room, just like your dollhouse does. A nursery, they used to call it. These are olden-days houses, aren't they?”

Casey nodded. “They have horsies outside.”

“Instead of cars. That's right.”

“And buggies. Horsies and buggies.” She looked up at me. “
I've
been on a horsey.”

“Have you? Wow.”

Casey nodded, her face serious. “A white horsey called Buddy.”

“That's great,” I said. For some reason, my chest was starting to feel all tight. It was too quiet in here, and too small. Narrow walkways and carpeted floors that absorbed sounds. Cavelike. I felt claustrophobic.

“Someday I'm going to have a horsey of mine own,” Casey told me.

I nodded. “That'd be nice. What would you call it?”

Casey shrugged. “
I
don't know.” Then she giggled. “
Silly
.”

“You'd call it Silly?”

More giggles. “No,
you're
silly.”

“I am? Why?”

Casey didn't answer. She stared at the house for a long minute. “It's got a chimney.”

I tried to focus, but my eyes were wet and everything was blurry. I blinked hard. “I have to go, Casey. I have to get home.”

“Okay.” She didn't look away from the house.

I stepped away from her. Mark and Lisa were standing behind us, just a few feet away, in an obvious attempt to give us space while still being able to hear every word. “I should get going,” I said. “I don't want to leave Karma on her own for too long.”

“Maybe we can get together again,” Lisa said. “We're here for a few more days.”

I stepped past them in the narrow aisle, not able to meet their eyes, barely able to see through the shimmery haze of my tears. “Maybe.”

TW
en
TY-SIX

Karma and I were watching
TV
when Mom got home late on Sunday morning. I looked up and hit the Mute button on the remote. “Hey. How was the concert?”

“Good. Great. Unbelievable.” Her smile faded when she looked at me. She gave me a hard-eyed stare. “Well. How was your weekend?”

I knew I looked terrible: I hadn't washed my hair, I had dark circles under my eyes and for some reason, my lips were all chapped. “Fine.”

On the television, a field was sprouting a forest of windmills. “What're you watching?” she asked.

“A show about greenhouse gas emissions. Um, alternative energy sources.” I switched the television off and passed the remote to Karma. “You want this? I have to make a couple of calls.”

“You're going to make calls now? I just got home.” Mom unzipped her jacket. “Aren't you going to tell me about your weekend?”

“Nothing to tell, really.”

Karma switched to a reality
TV
show and turned the volume back on. Wannabe models tripped down a runway in heels high enough to break their spindly ankles.

“How can you watch this?” Mom asked. “It's total crap. Encouraging girls to obsess about their appearance.” She shook her head. “Encouraging them to see other girls as competition. Life's hard enough without that.”

Karma scowled. “I like it. Anyway, it's just a show.”

“I'll be in my room,” I said.

“What's wrong?” Mom put her hand on my arm.

I pulled away. “Nothing. I just don't feel like talking.”

Karma tucked her feet beneath her and spoke without taking her eyes off the screen. “She broke up with her boyfriend.”

“Oh. Dylan…I'm so sorry.”

“I don't want to talk about it,” I said. I glared at Karma. “Mind your own business, okay?” Then I took off for my room before I started to cry.

Within about two minutes, Mom knocked. She pushed my door open a few inches. “Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

I was lying on my bed, pretending to read.

“Are you okay?”

I put my book down and rolled onto my side to face her. “I guess.”

“Oh baby.” Mom had that let–me-kiss-it-better tone in her voice. “I'm sorry. I guess you really liked him.”

It was too much. I burst into tears and ducked my head, hiding my face.

Mom sat down beside me and put her hand on my back. “Oh baby. Pickle.”

I was still angry with her, but at the same time I wanted to curl up and put my head on her lap like I used to when I was younger. “It's just…I don't think I liked him much anyway,” I whispered.

“You didn't? But…”

“I don't even know why I went out with him. It was all just stupid.”

She waited, rubbing my back lightly.

“Mom?” I caught my breath and shot her a fleeting sideways glance. “Do you think I'm, you know, normal?”

She snorted. “What's normal anyway?”

“Don't get all
new-age
on me. I mean
normal.
As in, like other people.”

“I wouldn't want you to be like anyone else. But I don't think there's anything wrong with you.” She frowned. “I mean, you're not…you're not hearing voices or anything like that?”

I shook my head impatiently and pulled away from her hand. I sat up. “No. Just, you know, with Jax. I never really wanted to…do anything.” My cheeks were on fire and I couldn't even look at her.

“Sex, you mean?”

“Mom! God.”

She laughed. “Lighten up, Pickle. Isn't it supposed to be parents who are uptight about discussing sex?”

She wasn't, that was for sure. I'd heard way too many details about her sex life.

“Maybe you just didn't like him enough. Or trust him enough or feel comfortable with him. Maybe he wasn't your type and you just weren't that attracted to him.”

“He's good-looking. Everyone thinks so.”

“So?”

“So maybe there's something wrong with me. That's all.”

“Are you attracted to girls? Is that it?”

I thought of Toni and how often I wished it could just be the two of us, like it used to be. Growing old and living together and rescuing dogs. Was that being attracted to someone? Even if I never thought about kissing her or anything like that? I loved Toni. And I was sort of jealous of Finn. But…

“Because if you were, that'd be fine. I'd be cool with that.”

“I'm not.” My voice was almost a wail. “I wish I was though.”

Mom's mouth twitched.

“Mom! If you laugh at me, I swear I'll never tell you anything again.”

“Baby, I'm not laughing. But not everyone is having sex at sixteen, no matter what they say. I wish I hadn't.” She was suddenly serious. “Well, I suppose I don't mean that, because I wouldn't have you, but you know what I mean.”

“Not really.” Mostly what I knew about her seemed to be lies.

Her eyes flicked away from mine for a brief moment. “If you don't want to have sex, then don't. Wait until you're ready. Believe me, it'll happen.”

I wiped my eyes on my sleeve. “You think so?”

“I know so.”

“Okay.” I picked at a hangnail on my thumb. “So anyway.”

“Change the subject?”

“Yeah. Please.”

Mom stood up. “So, Seattle was good.”

“Yeah?”

“The lead singer is a genius. He really is.” She grinned. “And Julia got his phone number.”

“Here we go.” I rolled my eyes.

Mom laughed. “I'll go and unpack. And get something to eat. I'm starving.”

“Mom?”

She paused, her hand on the door handle. “What?”

“Do you think we'll hear anything about the blood test this week?”

“No. Two weeks, they said.”

I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. “I sort of ran into Mark and Casey when I was out for a bike ride.”

She spun back around to face me. “You ran into
Mark
? And you're just going to mention that little fact now? As a…as an afterthought? Jesus Christ, Dylan.”

“It's no big deal.” I was glad she didn't know about my earlier visit with Toni.

“Yes, it is. He's…”

“My father.”

“Unfortunately, yes. That doesn't mean you have to sneak around behind my back—”

“Mom! I said I just ran into him, okay?” I hoped she wouldn't ask where I'd run into him. I didn't think telling her that I'd been hanging around his hotel would go over well.

“What did you talk about?” Her voice was strained.

“Nothing much. I don't really want to talk about him if you're going to be all psychotic about it.”

“I'm not being…So did you meet Casey? How was she?”

“I don't know. Cute kid, I guess.” My throat started to ache whenever I thought about her.

Mom's face closed tight and hard as a knot. “Remember what I said? It's not likely that you'll be a match.”