How to Raise a Jewish Dog (13 page)
Read How to Raise a Jewish Dog Online
Authors: Rabbis of Boca Raton Theological Seminary,Barbara Davilman
Tags: #HUM007000
Dog playing with owner’s slipper and ignoring high- quality dog toys. Typical.
Case History: Matilda
BY RABBI ALAN
The only time our training method actually ever failed was with Matilda. This dog was the most beautiful Afghan you had ever
seen. She was just breathtaking. Talk about “pampering”—people stopped this dog and her owner all the time to marvel at her
exquisiteness. We spent a total of six months with Matilda and her owner and were unable to change the dog’s behavior in the
slightest.
Quite concerned—not to mention puzzled and intrigued—we did something we’d never done before. We called in someone I’ll refer
to as “Gretchen.” Gretchen is a pet psychic. Now, we don’t normally employ such people, nor do we typically recommend it for
our clients. But we were all at our wits’ end. So Gretchen arrived and, in strict one-on-one isolation with the dog, had a
session with Matilda.
After an hour Gretchen brought us the bittersweet news that Matilda was impossible to train because
she had absolutely no thoughts
. She had no mental life because she didn’t need one. She was
that
beautiful. Matilda got all her physical and emotional requirements just by existing, by being herself. People gave her things
and praised her and indulged her and so on, all in the hope that Matilda would acknowledge them with the slightest wag of
her elegant tail. In this one rare case all we could do was to help Matilda’s owner come to terms with having a thought-free
dog by helping her to regard Matilda as a special-needs pet and to readjust her expectations accordingly. That, thank God,
worked, and now Matilda and her owner are living happily ever after in Sedona, Arizona.
So far we’ve talked about the “fun stuff.” Now let’s look at the necessities for owning any kind of dog, and whether or not
they’re appropriate for raising a Jewish dog.
Every dog needs a collar, and with the huge selection of materials, colors, and styles available for dogs of every possible
size, it is easy to find one that’s right for a dog being raised Jewish.
But why stop there? Even the most squat-necked pug is able to wear two or three or more collars at once. Collars are for more
than just attaching to leashes and holding licenses and rabies and identification tags. They’re jewelry for dogs! Think of
them as being like wrist bangles: if two is good, four is better.
In fact, who is to say that you can’t find, in a small size, a collar to wear on your wrist that matches your dog’s? Not us.
We say let’s have fun with collars!
Also called “slip collars,” these are metal link collars that you slip through a hole in itself like some kind of magic trick,
creating a slipknot that gently strangles the dog when it tries to pull away. While choke chains do superficially resemble
silver necklaces, they’re too frightening and mechanical for Jewish dogs to wear or for Jewish owners to figure out how to
work. Forget them.
Leashes, like collars, can be of leather or nylon. They don’t actually
have
to match the collar, but it would be nice. Also, they should reflect the season. No leather in the summer, and certainly
no patent leather after Labor Day.
A retractable lead is a dog leash on a spring-loaded reel. It plays out or winds back in, depending on where the dog is.
Unlike a conventional leash, therefore, this one can extend out to fifteen feet, at which point the dog can suddenly start
running around a tree or a person before the lead can retract. The result is that you get literally all tied up with the person
or the tree, plus you have a crazy dog attached and still running around.
In other words, this kind of lead offers the owner raising a Jewish dog many, many opportunities to be victimized by the dog.
So it’s perfect.
Long retractable leash entangling a stranger. Rabbi Monica pretends she’s really sorry.
Muzzles are masks of strapping or leash material formed into a kind of basket shape, to be fitted over the dog’s mouth to
prevent it from barking or biting.
A dog being raised Jewish should have no need of a muzzle. Such a dog will be too busy wondering whether its owner approves
of what it’s doing to bite anyone, and too busy consoling its owner for the owner’s failure if it starts barking. We can skip
this piece of equipment entirely.
A harness fits around the dog’s chest, and is often worn instead of a collar for holding the leash and the tags.
Otherwise, the harness is for the husky, who has to drag sleds across the North Pole, or some other kind of dog that has to
perform laborious physical work for a living. Does that sound like a dog being raised Jewish? Of course not.
These collars work by zapping the dog with a mild electric shock when she barks. They are often used by owners whose neighbors
complain about the dog’s “excessive” barking.
Please. A dog being raised Jewish does not bark excessively. It might
worry
excessively, but you’re not going to give the dog an electric shock for that.
This means of “training” the dog to stay within the boundaries of a certain piece of property consists of an electronic collar,
like the bark collar, that is tuned via radio frequencies, or something, to an array of sensors planted around the periphery
of the area. Whenever the dog threatens to cross the boundary, he is hit with an electric jolt. With certain breeds, they
can be very effective—yes, effective at turning the dog into a prisoner and your home into a prison. Don’t even talk to us
about these.
Collars are used to hold the dog license and rabies inoculations tags, as well as tags showing general information about the
dog’s name and home address. Such a dog tag, no matter how complete its information, is barely sufficient, the world being
what it is. When it comes to raising a Jewish dog, remember that it is always better to imagine the worst, and then panic,
and then realize you’re being silly, and then plan for the worst, than to do nothing or, indeed, anything else.
Therefore your dog should also have an electronic identification chip, which is usually implanted (in an outpatient procedure)
under the skin on her shoulder. It can be scanned by a special gun to reveal the dog’s name, address, and so forth. Think
about having two of them implanted, in case one malfunctions. And three, of course, is even better.
It’s also a good idea to equip the dog with another collar, of the LoJack variety, which emits a constant radio beacon, in
case the dog is kidnapped or runs away. Note that
both of these possibilities are extremely unlikely
for a dog being raised Jewish. The dog will feel guilty if it even thinks about running away, and it will barely be out of
your sight long enough to be kidnapped. But why take chances?
When you first acquire the dog, use either your home computer or one at a local copy center to create an attractive flyer
with the dog’s photograph, name, and address, with the caption “NOT MISSING
YET
.” Distribute these to every home and store in a two-mile radius and post them on as many utility poles and trees as you can.
Then you’ll be ready if the unthinkable happens. Just because it’s unthinkable doesn’t mean it’s unhappenable.
Every dog needs two bowls: one for food and one for water.
Of course, when you talk about raising a Jewish dog, the question naturally arises: Should the dog keep kosher? Such a dog
would need three bowls: one for dairy-based dishes, one for meat-based dishes, and one for water.
Frankly, we don’t believe in keeping kosher, for ourselves or our dogs. Observing kashrut (the kosher dietary laws) is almost
always a tenet of Orthodox Judaism, to which neither we nor our dogs subscribe.
“Not Missing Yet” sign informs neighbors that dog is not missing. Some trainers call this precaution unnecessary. We say:
It couldnt hurt.
On the other hand, Rabbi Monica has told us of a practice her mother used to observe, which we have come to refer to around
the Seminary as “Reform kashrut.” It involves using two sets of dishes and plates: One for normal, everyday use and one for
Chinese takeout, with all its pork and shrimp dishes. You can do this if you wish, but it, too, is not necessary.
A Jewish dog’s food bowl should be as big as possible, for reasons we discussed in chapter 5. But it wouldn’t kill you to
have two food bowls.
Commercial dog beds are in effect giant round pillows, usually covered with a removable, washable, decorative cover with a
soft top surface. Do you need one, when raising a Jewish dog?
Yes. But not for the reason you might expect.
Remember that the dog should sleep with you, in your bed. But, depending on many factors (how large the dog, how many dogs
you have, how large your bed, whether you share your bed with another person), there may be times when sleeping space is at
a premium. After ordering the dog to move over, or move down to the foot of the bed, you may find you still need more room
and order the dog to sleep on the dog bed.
What if she doesn’t obey?
In that case, say “All right, fine. You stay here.
I’ll
sleep on your bed.” Then get out of your bed and curl up on the dog bed until the dog, duly guilted, joins you. Then get
back into your bed.
“Guilting” the dog by pretending to agree to sleep in his bed. Because some dogs don’t respond well to guilting, you should
always buy a dog bed that’s comfortable enough for you to sleep on.
Once you have obtained all the standard items, and have pampered the dog in all six ways, you may discover that your current
living situation makes it difficult or impossible to manage all the gear and equipment you have acquired. What good does it
do the dog if you can’t transport, store, and organize all his, and your, stuff?
That’s why we see nothing wrong with moving from your current dwelling into a larger house or apartment, or getting a second
house or apartment, or a larger car, or a truck, for this purpose. As we note regarding Peremptory Pampering, you are entitled
to get anything
you
like in the service of pampering the dog.
A new home and/or car will not only make it easier to pamper the dog, but will improve your own life—one more reason why dogs
are wonderful.
The Jewish Dog’s Physical, Psychological, Mental, and Emotional Health
“
A
s long as you have your health, you have everything. And as long as your dog has his or her health, he or she has everything.”