How to Raise a Jewish Dog (16 page)

PROS:
More room than conventional cars. Normal driver’s license sufficient. Recent models equipped with DVD players for dog’s entertainment

CONS:
Somewhat expensive. Mileage probably not as good as conventional car’s. Capacity for dog’s furniture (sofa, bed, and so on)
limited

COST:
$$

RECOMMENDATION:
For short and medium-length trips, a good alternative to flying. What you pay for gas will be less than you save on airfare.
Dog feels safe; you feel like big shot, sitting up high in big muscular vehicle.

4. Drive Your Everyday Vehicle

AVAILABLE TO:
Any owner with car, van, truck, SUV

PROS:
No new vehicle needed. No new license required. No new driving, parking skills required

CONS:
Limited room for dog’s furniture, toys, home entertainment components, special mats, quilts, et cetera

COST:
$

RECOMMENDATION:
The most economical and least taxing option. Because who needs all that other aggravation?

Bear in mind that over longer car trips you may choose to stay in a motel overnight. Check in advance to find out which of
those along your route allow pets and which do not. Or, to assure your dog’s maximum comfort and sense of security, simply
park somewhere safe, lock the doors, and sleep with the dog in your car.

As everyone knows, air travel has lately become increasingly complicated and fraught with possible problems (lengthy checkins,
delays, canceled flights). Still, for most destinations, air travel remains the fastest and most efficient mode of conveyance.

Traveling with your dog by air may seem at first like a daunting prospect. But the airlines have vast experience transporting
pets. As long as you approach this task methodically and allow sufficient time to do what is required, you should have no
trouble.

To start, be aware that some airlines will allow you to bring your dog on board with you only if your dog is of the very smallest
size and can be held in your lap or in a small carrier. All other dogs, from medium-sized to large, must be flown as cargo,
in the luggage hold of the plane. These pets will need to fly in a carrier or “kennel” that conforms to specific structural
requirements (although almost all the carriers available at pet stores and large discount chains do). The kennel must be large
enough to enable your dog to turn around in it and must be equipped with a water dish.

Overfurnished dog carrier. Most airlines will remove everything except the water cup. Still, it’s worth a try. Look how much
dog likes it!

To assist you, we’ve created the Jewish Dog’s Air Travel Checklist. Photocopy the list, follow its steps, and—to you and your
dog—bon voyage!

The Jewish Dog’s Air Travel Checklist

• Two days before departure, check with airline about its requirements for traveling with dog.

• Airline will say dog needs a veterinarian’s health certificate not older than thirty days. You don’t have one (even though
you took dog to vet as recently as the day before) and cannot take the dog in for one in time.

• Cancel trip.

• Reschedule trip, make appointment with vet, get dog checkup. Ask vet if dog will need tranquilizer for flight. Vet will
prescribe and sell you two or three. Ask vet if you can take one of them, too. Vet will laugh and say, “No, they’re for dogs.”
Laugh along but be silently disappointed.

• Check your own stock of Valium, Xanax, et cetera. If you’re all out, borrow from friends.

• Buy dog carrier. Decide which to get by asking yourself, Which would I be most comfortable flying in? Then just give up
and buy most expensive.

• Twenty-four hours before departure, obsess over how to furnish kennel. Include fluffy towel, dog’s favorite toys, T-shirt
or sock with your scent. Consider small boom box with dog’s favorite music, dish of dog biscuits, laminated photographs of
you.

• Twelve hours before departure, scan Internet frantically for weather conditions at departure airport, arrival airport, airspace
in between. Phone airline and ask if there is any problem with the flight. Airline will say, “It’s too soon to know. The flight
doesn’t leave for twelve hours.”

• On day of flight, confirm that airline suggests you arrive ninety minutes before departure, but, because you are traveling
with dog, you should arrive two hours before departure. Leave home allowing sufficient time to deal with traffic, dog’s possible
need to pee on side of road, and anything else that could possibly delay your trip.

• Arrive at airport five hours before departure. Place dog in kennel by begging, pleading, wrestling, whatever it takes.

• Start to wheel luggage and kennel to terminal. Discover that you’ve accidentally put kennel wheels on wrong, with pivoting
wheels in rear and fixed wheels in front. Feel like idiot. Wheel kennel awkwardly entire way, dragging nonpivoting front wheels
every time you have to make slightest turn.

• At curbside check-in, accept skycap’s offer of help. Speak baby talk to dog to reassure her as you get boarding pass. When
ticket agent asks questions, get confused. Speak baby talk to agent as you show him driver’s license or passport. Hope he
doesn’t think you’re a terrorist.

• Follow skycap as he wheels luggage to X-ray machine. Experience sudden nausea as you wonder if security people are going
to X-ray dog. Be relieved when they say no.

• Follow skycap as he wheels (awkwardly) kennel into terminal. Start to panic as he takes you to unmanned counter and produces
walkie-talkie. Be relieved as skycap calls animal control officer to check dog in. Stop panicking and begin feeling anxious.
Why animal control officer?

• Greet animal control officer, who will inspect kennel. When officer asks, “Where is the water?” resume panicking. Run to
airport souvenir shop, pay $3.50 for bottled water, return, spill bottled water on self, dog, skycap, and animal control officer
as you pour it into absurdly shallow water dish in kennel.

• Be embarrassed when animal control officer asks, “What are these?” Answer, “Oh, just some cookies, a laminated picture of
me in case [dog’s name] gets anxious, and a small boom box with [dog’s name]’s favorite music.” Officer will tell you to remove
cookies and boom box. Do so, stuffing both into your carry-on bag.

• Attempt to give dog tranquilizer. As dog refuses, realize that giving dog pill involves more than just holding it out like
a candy. When animal control officer says, “People usually hide the pills in peanut butter,” run back to souvenir shop, wait
in line, buy soft candy bar or muffin, run back, embed pill in snack, feed to dog. Listen as animal control officer says,
“I don’t know how long your flight is, but if you’re not departing for five hours, I hope that pill lasts.”

• Debate giving dog second pill. Glare at skycap until he stops laughing. Break second pill in half with thumbnail, shatter
pill, watch as it sprays all over self, dog. Be pathetically grateful as animal control officer says, “Don’t worry. Your dog
will be fine,” and wheels dog off (awkwardly).

• Feel pang of fear, loss, as you watch dog go.

• Wonder why skycap is still standing there. Then realize why. Look in wallet for five-dollar tip. Find only ten-dollar bill.
Wonder, for a second, if you should ask him for five dollars change. Decide the hell with it and give him ten.

• Go through security. When carry-on is X-rayed, wonder if boom box will make you look like a terrorist. Decide that it does.
Wonder why nobody says anything and you’re waved on.

• Feel immense relief.

• Look at clock and say to self, Now what the hell am I going to do for four hours?

• Take Valium, Xanax, et cetera.

• Walk toward gate. En route, see people in bars drinking beer or cocktails at ten in the morning. Feel repulsed.

• Enter bar, get seat, drink beer or cocktails for two hours. Make it three hours.

• Finally make it to gate. Use bathroom “one last time.”

• Board plane, find seat. Immediately start listening for sound of dog’s crying or barking coming from underneath cabin. Hear
nothing.

• Relax. Pass out.

• Half an hour into flight, suddenly jerk awake. Listen for dog, hear nothing. Decline headphones for movie so you can spend
entire flight listening for dog, hearing nothing, and “reading” while looking up at in-flight entertainment every five minutes.
Watch but do not hear Adam Sandler in stupid movie for an hour and a half.

• Land. Go crazy waiting for people in front to file out of plane. Ask silently, How hard can it be to get your damn bag and
walk down the aisle?

• Go to baggage claim. Ask uniformed person where to meet dog. Nod and apologize as uniformed person says, “Sorry, ma’am,
I don’t know. I’m in the marines.”

• Find cargo delivery window. Rejoice as kennel is brought out with dog awake, perky, happy to see you. Remove dog from kennel
and peer, smell inside, fearing worst. Be relieved dog didn’t pee in kennel. Put leash on dog and walk outside terminal, looking
for and not finding grassy area. Allow dog to pee wherever she wants.

• Return to terminal, place dog back in kennel “just for now,” and wait for luggage. Or, if being met by someone, turn dog
on leash over to him.

• Assemble luggage, wheel bags and kennel (awkwardly) out terminal to car or cab.

• Realize that you will have to do all this all over again for return trip.

Sometimes, as on vacations or business trips, we find ourselves having to travel without our pets. Who will feed, walk, play
with, despair of, and apologize to the dog in our absence?

If you don’t have someone else in your household (such as a spouse or roommate), and don’t want to ask your neighbors, and
dislike the physical confinement and exposure to other dogs that comes with a kennel stay, consider finding a dog sitter.

Such a person usually moves into your home for the express purpose of living with and caring for your dog. That’s why, even
for just minding an ordinary dog, a sitter must be selected with great care. When it comes to minding a Jewish dog, with his
more elaborate emotional and psychological ties to his caregiver, a sitter must be uncompromisingly trustworthy and come with
impeccable credentials.

For this reason we’ve developed the Boca Raton Theological Seminary Comprehensive Multiphasic Biographical and Personality
Dog Sitter Intake Workup Profile Questionnaire. Feel free to photocopy it for each candidate you interview when searching
for a dog sitter. Instructions on how to “score” the B.R.T.S.C.M.B.P.D.S.I.W.P.Q. appear following the form itself.