How to Get Famous (4 page)

SATURDAY 13TH MARCH

2.30 p.m.

My parents had gone out shopping so I
was just innocently watching TV when
Dad came back early.

He burst in on me like some crazed
policeman yelling, 'Now, what's going on in
here?' If he'd gone on to tell me to walk to
the door with my hands in the air, I
wouldn't have been very surprised. 'As
soon as our backs are turned,' he cried, 'we
find you stuck in here staring at that
screen – and on such a fine day too.'

I replied, with amazing politeness,
'Would you kindly let me finish watching
my programme in peace before you moan
at me? It's a mystery, you see, and I have
to find out—'

'No,' cried my dad, 'I want you outside in
the fresh air now.' Then he proceeded to
switch off the television. After which he
said I could do a job for him as well.

So I was bundled outside with
instructions to pick up a prescription for
him at the chemist. And it wasn't even
very warm anyway. Serve him right if I
caught pneumonia. And how is it better to
be out here, breathing in all the poisonous
fumes from the many cars and lorries
steaming past, than tucked up inside exercising
my brain cells trying to solve a
mystery on TV?

Sometimes, the injustices of life are just
too much for me.

3.35 p.m.

After picking up my dad's prescription I
couldn't return to that drab hell-hole I can
never again call home. So instead I cycled
about to try and cheer myself up.

I was having this great daydream in
which I was being interviewed by all the
presenters of
Blue Peter
, when
wham!
, my
bike skidded on something and I was
catapulted over the handlebars, landing
with a massive bump on the road. I sat up
very slowly as all the breath had been
knocked out of me.

Then I heard footsteps and this tiny, old
lady with bright red hair came pattering
towards me. 'Oh my dear,' she cried, 'are
you all right? Should I call a doctor?'

'No, I'm all right,' I gasped, 'just a bit
winded.' But I let her help me to my feet.
Then we discovered Dad's prescription
bottle had smashed to smithereens. I don't
know if it was the shock of seeing that, but
I started swaying about a bit and the old
lady insisted I rest awhile inside her
abode.

Well, I had nothing better to do and I'm
now reclining on her large sofa while she's
making me a cup of tea. Only I've just
reminded myself I'm not supposed to go
anywhere with strangers: ever. Still, she's
harmless all right. But then I suddenly
remembered this thriller I saw, where a
little old lady only pretended to be kind.
And after luring people into her house, she
spiked their tea with poison. I think she
stored all the dead bodies in her cellar.

So I could be trapped here with a nutcase,
who at this very moment is heaping
huge spoonfuls of poison into my cup.

What total rubbish! She's just being
helpful and nice. And I bet she'd never
switch the television set off in the middle
of a mystery. So actually, she can adopt me
if she wants.

She's coming back now with the biggest
mug of tea you've ever seen. Just to be on
the safe side, it's best if I sip it extremely
carefully as I'd hate this to be my last
diary entry and die an
unknown
– Ha ha.

4.25 p.m.

Hooray, I'm still alive – well, you could
look a bit pleased.

But guess what – this old lady, Mrs Kay,
has in fact got a big secret – which is even
better than her being the local poisoner.
For Mrs Kay – who said I must call her
Enid now (she and I have been getting on
dead well) – has got a famous niece: Alicia
Kay.

She played that tough policewoman in
The Bill
, and always looked as if she had
extremely bad indigestion. Then she
portrayed a mysterious millionairess in
that comedy which my dad only let me
watch once, for some obscure reason. She's
been in tons of other stuff too. You'll
definitely recognize her face.

Anyway, I spotted her in some of the
pictures adorning Mrs Kay's wall. And
soon she was telling me all about her
niece's life in the limelight.

This was fascinating, but then came
some incredible news. Alicia Kay got her
first acting break in a small theatre at
Little Bridlington (which is about five
miles from here), and as a thank you she's
going to put on her own production there.
In fact, one week today she will be
auditioning children to be in a new version
of the story,
The Secret Garden
.

And she's going to invite all her celebrity
chums along for the first night. Then Enid
said, 'So this could be a wonderful chance
for stars of the future to be discovered.'

Of course Enid didn't know she had a
star of the future lounging opposite her, or
perhaps she did, because she suddenly
asked me, 'Are you interested in acting at
all, Tobey?'

'Oh, highly interested,' I replied
promptly.

'And have you done much acting on
stage before?' she asked.

'Oh, I love acting,' I replied, cleverly
leading the conversation away from my
actual acting credits, which I've already
told you about. But I always felt I could be
a top actor if I had the right part, which
released all my talents.

And then there was Georgia. Wouldn't it
be great if she also got a role in
The Secret
Garden
? And right then I saw us both
acting our socks off, while the crowd
erupted into wild applause.

Enid then showed me the flyers for
The
Secret Garden
auditions. I read:

CALLING ALL YOUNG ACTORS

How would you like to appear in a play?
Well, here's your chance.

Leading star of stage and television, ALICIA KAY,
is putting on a new, highly original version of
the children's classic novel,
The Secret Garden
by Frances Hodgson Burnett.
The whole story will be told through the three main
characters: Mary, Dickon and Colin.
So if you are between 10 and 14 years old and
would like to play one of these parts come
along to:

A CASTING MORNING ON
SATURDAY MARCH 20TH.

We would like each person to perform a brief
improvisation (no longer than two minutes) inspired by
The Secret Garden.
You might want to act out a scene from the story,
or perform a monologue by the character you
wish to play.
BE AS IMAGINATIVE AS YOU LIKE.
Each young person attending must be accompanied
by an adult.

Well, I read this through twice. Then a
ripple of excitement rushed through me as
I knew then – this was it: MY BIG CHANCE. I
also realized it was no accident I'd skidded
off my bike in front of Enid Kay's house.
No, that was fate giving my life a huge
nudge (and about time too, I say).

I told Enid that whenever I have a spare
million pounds I'll send it to her as a
thank you for the part she's played in my
future career – and then sailed away on
my bike, feeling so happy and hopeful, the
flyer tucked firmly in my back pocket.

5.30 p.m.

I sped round to Georgia's house, just as
fast as my very shaky legs could take me.
Then I flung my bike down and rang her
doorbell with great energy. She opened
the door to see me smiling wildly at her.

'Georgia, I'm about to change your life.'

'Well, it could do with some changing. So
what's happened?'

'Let me inside and I might even tell you.'

We adjourned to a superbly decorated
matchbox, also known as her bedroom.
She was now looking at me in a very
concerned sort of way. 'Why are you walking
with a limp?'

'Oh, it's my new image, the Long John
Silver strut . . . no, if you really want to
know, I fell off my bike.'

'Oh no!' she cried. 'What happened?'

'Basically, I flew off it.'

'And have you seen a doctor? You seem
very hyper, even for you.'

'So will you be in a second. Look, forget
about my bike-riding stunts. You see, this
old lady called Enid saw me fall off my
bike and invited me into her house. And
she's only Alicia Kay's auntie . . . you know
the one who used to be in the
The Bill
and
looked permanently cross?'

'Yes, I remember her. Oh, wow!'

'But there's more. Now here is the big
news.'

And then I showed Georgia the flyer.
You know when they say someone was
open-mouthed with shock, well that
describes Georgia perfectly. An army of
flies could have moved into her mouth
right then and still had room for all their
relations.

Finally she spluttered, 'But why didn't
we know about this audition before?'

'Well, the location is over five miles
away.'

'Even so . . . we should have . . . ' she
began, and then she smiled. 'Still we know
now, thanks to you. Oh, Tobey, you're a
total legend.'

'That's true.'

'Oh, to act in
The Secret Garden
. . . ' she
gasped.

'Can you imagine us both prancing
about on that stage together?' I said. And
then we heard Georgia's mother put her
key in the lock.

Georgia sprang up. 'Is it all right if we
tell my mum?'

'Well, OK – but I think she's just a tiny
bit old to start auditioning.'
Georgia grinned and then we tore
downstairs.

'Mum,' said Georgia, 'Tobey's got something
to tell you.'

'What's that, love?' asked her mum.

'I think it's best if you take a deep
breath,' I said, 'just in case you should
collapse.'

Georgia's mum had this little smile on
her face; she often has when I'm talking.
She thinks I'm a bit of a lunatic.

But as I started telling her my news,
that smile just fell off her face. And when
she'd seen the flyer too, well then she
jumped to her feet. 'Now, this is splendid,
oh, what a chance for you both.' She
scampered off and returned a couple of
minutes later with this big old copy of
The
Secret Garden
. 'It was always one of my
favourite stories when I was a girl and I've
never let it out of my sight. But now,' she
turned to Georgia, 'it is yours.'

'Oh, Mum, thank you!' she cried.

'Now you've both got a wonderful
opportunity,' said her mum, 'but if you're
to succeed, do you know what you need to
do?'

'Bribe the judges?' I suggested.

'Work hard and then even harder. And
you must begin by studying the book.'

Then I thought she was expecting
Georgia and me to read it together. But
instead, I was – in the nicest possible way
– being chucked out.

'I think you'll read it better on your
own,' said Georgia's mum, 'and there's not
a moment to waste.'

I was a little bit hurt at being asked to
vacate the premises so speedily. But just
as I was leaving, Georgia did give me this
really dazzling smile as she said, 'This is
it, Tobey: our big chance.'

I just had one problem: I didn't actually
have a copy of
The Secret Garden
. And I
needed to know who was who urgently.
Would I want to be Colin or Dickon?

I slipped into the library and found one
copy of it. It had a dead embarrassing
cover. There was this girl with her hair
down to her legs looking all droopy, while
a robin chirped away merrily on her
shoulder.

I explained to the girl at the counter.
'I've got to read this book for research.
Can't say any more right now,' I added,
with a mysterious smile, 'but I'll have
this baby read before dawn breaks over
the horizon.' I could tell she was
impressed.

Then came the bit I was dreading –
going home. And my parents were in meltdown
because I'd been gone so long. I
pointed out that I had left them a message
on voicemail. This silenced them slightly
as they're still not exactly sure how to pick
up voicemail and are embarrassed about
that.

But then Dad demanded in a loud,
aggressive manner what I had done with
his prescription.

I replied, 'Please, Dad, will you be mad
with me in a quieter voice, as I've just had
an accident?' Then Mum noticed my now
rather cool limp and asked me anxiously
what had happened.

I filled them in on my lucky accident and
the auditions for
The Secret Garden
. And
do you know what my mum said? 'Well, it's
good to try these things, Tobey, but I
expect the standard will be very high.'

In other words, don't hope to get picked
as you haven't got a chance in a million.
Cheers, Mum!

Then Dad chimed in, 'I know these
companies are always looking for people to
help backstage.'

So that's how Dad sees me – with a mop
and bucket, cleaning up after everyone
else has gone. With such confident
parents, how can I go wrong?

Mum went on. 'Tobey, acting's not just
showing off, you know.'

'I don't ever show off,' I cried.