How to Get Famous (6 page)

SATURDAY MARCH 20TH

12.00 p.m.

Here is what the world has been waiting
for – my first exclusive report from
The
Secret Garden
auditions.

We were led backstage and then waited
in order for our two minutes in the spotlight.
Parents hovered beside the children
– some still and quiet, like bodyguards;
others fussing and whispering and being
generally annoying.

Georgia's mum was one of the silent
ones. She just told us to 'focus and have
fun'. To be honest, she didn't seem as if she
was enjoying herself hugely. Instead,
she looked like those athletes do just
before they're about to run a race: all tense
and expectant.

The first girl to go on stage from our
group was holding a candle and looked
very serious. Afterwards she ran
straight into her mum's arms. 'I was awful.
I couldn't remember anything,' she
mumbled.

'That's a lie,' muttered Georgia. 'I bet
she was brilliant.'

Meanwhile, the boy in front of Georgia
was swinging his arms around and moaning
about the amount of time all this was
taking. He told Georgia and me his name
was Ross Hope, as if we should have heard
of him already and be flinging our autograph
books at him. When it was his turn
he mooched forward, muttering something
unrepeatable under his breath.

'His manners are atrocious,' I said. 'I
expect the judges will be quite relieved to
see you after that water bison. So how are
you feeling?'

'I'm just trying to breathe,' she
squeaked.

'Hey, don't get nervous now,' I said.
'You've got to rock those judges' worlds . . . '
Then I added, 'Get famous, Georgia.'

She looked at me and smiled just as the
boy thumped off the stage and down
the steps again, shrugging his shoulders
as he went.

'Number thirty-one,' barked Moth-man.

Georgia gave both me and her mum a
little wave and started going up the steps.
Then her mum whispered to me, 'Georgia's
acting two scenes: one where she's Mary
getting off the boat just after her parents
have died and one where she discovers the
secret garden.'

'That sounds ace,' I said.
Of course we couldn't hear how Georgia
was getting on. But the time seemed to go
by really quickly. And before I knew it
Georgia was back again saying, 'I think it
went all right.' She then let out a great
sigh of relief before whispering to me, 'Get
famous, Tobey.'

'Yeah, it's time I did, isn't it?' I cried.
'Obscurity just doesn't suit me.'

Both Georgia and her mum were
grinning then, and so was I as I tore up
the steps. I raced onto the stage as if I
were being pursued by a pack of mad bulls
and managed to collide with a chair,
cunningly hidden in the shadows.

'There's no rush,' cried a voice I recognized
as belonging to Alicia Kay. I couldn't
actually see her though; there was just
this black void below me.

'Now make for the spotlight,' she
instructed. That was easy to locate; it was
the only bit of light on the stage. And
here's an odd thing: the moment I stepped
into it I felt myself relaxing. It seemed to
suck all the nerves out of me. Later
Georgia told me that a similar thing had
happened to her. She said the light felt
very friendly and I'd totally agree with
that.

I could make out Alicia Kay quite well
now. There was a man sitting next to her
who looked quite young. He called out: 'My
name is Giles Scott and I shall be directing
this play; and I'm sure you recognize our
sponsor, Alicia Kay. Now, Number thirtytwo,
you have a maximum of two minutes.
And would you begin please by announcing
who you wish to play?'

'Well, not Mary,' I said, with a merry
twinkle. 'No, I'm Colin. And this is a rap
poem about him and it doesn't all rhyme
. . . because it doesn't, but I hope you're
mad for
The Secret Garden
rap. First
though, I've got to do this.'

Then I removed my shirt and trousers to
reveal my pyjamas underneath, which I
thought was a very stunning start to my
performance. 'You see, Judges, I wanted to
dress just how Colin would have—'

'Number thirty-two, your two minutes
has in fact started,' interrupted Giles.

So I stopped nattering and hastily
plonked myself on the chair. 'Well pray you
listen, you.' I got a bit muddled here but I
quickly recovered myself. I picked up a
piece of paper which I'd screwed up earlier
– this was to act as my pretend microphone.
Then into it I said:

'You is listening to Colin, right, broth.
I could be so sad,
But instead, I'm bad, bad, BAD!' (And I
really yelled out that last bit.)
'Now I can't walk a step,
So I get your respect by SHOUTING,
And SCREAMING and YELLING.
That's how I big myself up,
And stop anyone dissing me.
I shout all the day and most of the night
too.'
(I threw in a really loud shriek here just
to add atmosphere.)
'Inside I is feeling so blue,
But what else can I do.
Then one night I met Mary,
And hey, is she lairy.
She's the one who changed my life.'
(I slowly got up from the chair here.)
'Took me to a place called
The Secret
Garden
.
And seeing it made my head go round,
For she had plucked magic out of the
ground.
And right from the start,
It was like a dart going through my
heart.
OK, it's not street,
But it got me moving to its beat,
And now I'm even shaking my butty.
It's an old, old story,
But still full of glory.
So give respec' to the secret garden,
And be cool to its vibe, broth.
I thank you.'

Then I stood there, panting furiously
and waiting for a reaction. There was just
this sudden, deep stillness all around me.
I tell you, it was positively eerie.

Finally I called into the deathly hush,
'By the way,
The Secret Garden
rap is all
my own work.' This was just in case they
were worried I'd nicked a real rap song,
because it sounded so professional.

Then I saw Alicia Kay shake her head –
just as if she'd been crying. She was
clearly highly touched by my rap poem,
which didn't surprise me. Those lines
about plucking magic out of the ground
had even caused a little tear to form in my
eyes as I wrote them.

Then Alicia Kay said, in this very shaky
voice, 'Put your clothes back on now,
Number thirty-two.'

'Oh, sorry, got so carried away I'd forgotten
I was still in my pyjamas.' I speedily
bunged my shirt and trousers back on.

'I think it's time for a very short break
now,' she sort of gulped. 'We'll let you know
when we can see the next person.' She
addressed this last remark to Moth-man,
as he loomed behind me. Then her voice
fell right away.

And the other judge's head was shaking
now. These theatrical types get so
emotional dead quickly. Still, I'd blown
them right away, hadn't I? And I think the
part of Colin could well be mine. In fact I'd
say it's practically in the bag.

12.55 p.m.

Guess what: my parents have turned up.
Yeah, it was a truly horrible surprise.
Georgia and I had watched another two
groups of hopefuls troop through to do
their auditions – I almost felt sorry for
anyone else trying out for Colin after my
super audition – and now we were in
the foyer having some sandwiches and
chocolate biscuits for lunch with all
the other waiting children and parents,
when in barged my mum and dad.

Dad immediately barked my name as if
I were some deserter from the army. Mum
was right behind him, looking furious.
Then they stormed over to me. No one
dared get in their way either.

I tried to calm things down. 'Oh, hi
there,' I said to them. 'Great you could
make it after all. So, did you have a nice
journey?' I know how old people always
love talking about their journeys.

But Dad just thundered, 'How dare you
come here when you were expressly told
not to?'

Georgia's mum was watching this openmouthed,
so was just about every other
parent and child in the foyer. Mum, realizing
the spectacle she and Dad were
making of themselves (and me), lowered
her voice to a whisper you could only hear
thirty miles away. She said to Georgia's
mum, 'I don't suppose Tobey told you he'd
been banned from coming here today?'

'No, no, he didn't,' said Georgia's mum.

'We guessed as much,' hissed my mum.
'Even though your daughter clearly told
my husband she had no idea where Tobey
was!' She also had a restraining hand on
my dad to stop him shouting again – or
bellowing at Georgia, who was blushing
badly as her mum glared at her – and
whispered, 'I think it's best we continue
this conversation on the way home, Tobey.'

I gaped at them. Did they really imagine
I was leaving now, when I was about to be
shortlisted for the role of Colin?

'I'm truly sorry for any inconvenience I
have caused you today,' I said. 'But I really
can't go with you right now – later would
be cool, though. But you see, I've just
finished my audition and I'm waiting—'

'Get in the car now,' snarled my dad.

'I'm very sorry, but I just can't,' I replied.
'If you'd care to avail yourselves of the
refreshments while you're waiting, the
biscuits here aren't bad . . . '

Dad gave this low, highly menacing
grunt and no doubt had more words of
wisdom to impart, but Georgia quite
suddenly burst out, 'The moment has come
for me to speak. You know how much this
audition means to Tobey, and he's really
worked hard too. Now he just wants to
hear if he's got through to the next round.
You must at least give him that chance.'
Then as my dad opened his mouth to
speak Georgia cried fiercely, 'No more.
End of.'

It was an electrifying moment. And
Georgia deserved the highest award for
bravery there is for saying all that – and
on my behalf too. But I thought, my
parents will go bonkers now. Only they
didn't, instead they both stood there
paralysed with shock.

Georgia's mum was absolutely furious
with her though. 'How dare you talk like
that! And especially after lying on the
phone to Tobey's father earlier. I've a good
mind to take you home too. You apologize
now.'

'I'm very sorry for speaking my mind,'
said Georgia. 'I know that isn't allowed.'
Before any adult could answer her, Mothman
appeared, saying that everyone
should gather in the theatre.

People immediately started leaving,
chattering nervously. I waited for my parents
to say I couldn't go with them – but
they didn't. Instead they followed the
crowd to the theatre, still looking very
cross though.

1.30 p.m.

Before the results were announced, Giles –
that's the man who was sitting with Alicia
Kay – started spouting about acting and
what they were looking for. And not one
single person was listening to him. They
all just wanted to know who'd got through
to the next round.

Finally he declared, 'Well, we've had a
fantastic morning watching you all, and
now we're going to invite a small group of
you to return for a second audition now. If
your name is called, will you please come
back up onto the stage? So read out the
names please, Alicia?'

'With pleasure,' she replied, smiling at
us through tinted glasses. I thought she
might be dressed all dramatically, in a
brilliant cloak or something. But she was
just wearing a pair of jeans and a pinkish
top. 'Now these names are in no particular
order – good luck to everyone.'

In the little silence that followed I
thought my heart was going to bounce out
of my chest. 'Just get on with it,'
whispered Georgia to me. And I heartily
agreed.

And then this girl who we'd seen holding
the candle was called. There were squeals
of joy from her mum and nan as she
skipped forward. A boy's name was
announced next. More yelps of joy and
hugs before he bounced on to the stage.
Three more children were called. 'They're
saving the best till last,' I whispered to
Georgia and then . . .

'Georgia Middleton.'

Her mum gave this gasp of joy. And even
my parents managed to look mildly
pleased. Georgia herself, though, was in
shock. She moved like someone in a
trance. But when she was up on that stage
she looked so natural and right, you
felt she belonged there. I cheered and
whistled as she took her place.

Georgia's and my dreams were coming
true. Now I just needed to hear my name
and toddle up on that stage beside her.
And Georgia actually mouthed at me, 'It's
going to be you next.' Only it wasn't. It was
Ross Hope, the boy who'd stood in front of
me and moaned all the time. I was so
astonished.

Then Alicia said, 'Now we have just one
name left to call.'

Here we go, I thought. This has got to be
me now. Instead, I heard . . .

'James . . .' and a red-haired boy charged up
on to that stage as if he'd just won the lottery,
while at the same time I felt myself starting to shrink
until I realized something.