How to Defeat Harmful Habits (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (51 page)
“Though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish
strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension
that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we
take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ”
(2 C
ORINTHIANS
10:3-5).
Debra Laaser refers to it as the million-dollar question asked by sexually betrayed wives: “Will I ever be able to trust my husband again?”
Rebuilding trust is a process, according to Debra, and countless women struggle more with the lies than with the sexual betrayal. Their mind-set goes something like this: If he’s lied about having affairs, what else has he lied about?
True healing and restored trust will occur between a husband and wife only when full disclosure takes place. The unfaithful spouse must “put all the cards on the table” so that both know precisely what they’re dealing with. “Knowing the whole truth is foundational to building a new life together because the new structure must be built on honesty and openness. And it doesn’t require
you
to uncover all the facts.”
38
Sex Talk LinesQ
UESTION:
“How can I stop calling sex talk lines, which give me an incredible high? Day after day, my mind feels intoxicated with sex.”
A
NSWER:
Everyone has a God-given need to feel significant, but phone sex with a stranger gives a false sense of significance. To be set free from this sexual addiction, you need to replace that which is false with that which is true.
• The truth is that you are so significant that Jesus not only died on the cross for you, but also designed a wonderful plan for your life.
• The truth is that phone sex will never give you lasting significance.
• The truth is that your significance comes by realizing you were created in the image of God.
You will feel no greater sense of significance than when you are being conformed to the character of Christ. Pray, “Thank You, God, for planning to conform me to the character of Christ.”
“Those God foreknew he also predestined to be
conformed to the likeness of his Son”
(R
OMANS
8:29).
Lustful FantasiesQ
UESTION:
“How can I control my lustful fantasies? I simply can’t stop fantasizing.”
A
NSWER:
God would never tell you to stop lusting without giving you the power to stop. Centuries ago, Martin Luther painted a graphic picture of this principle by quoting an even older proverb: “You can’t keep the birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from making a nest in your hair.” The starting point for victory is realizing that when a sexual thought flashes through your mind:
•
You must redirect
that sexual thought or replace it. You are the only one who controls how long you will entertain a thought—how long you will dwell on it.
•
Make a covenant
with your mind that you will not allow an immoral thought to reside there.
•
Make a commitment
with your eyes that you will not maintain a gaze that leads to an immoral thought. Follow Job’s example:
“I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl”
(J
OB
31:1).
Mentally Sexualizing OthersQ
UESTION:
“How can I stop mentally undressing every attractive woman I see?”
A
NSWER:
The moment you find yourself in the midst of sexual temptation, you must immediately…
•
Turn your eyes
away without delay. Say in your heart, “I refuse to dwell on that thought. I refuse to let my eyes lead me into sexual sin.”
•
Turn your mind
toward integrity. Declare out loud, “I’m determined to be a man of moral integrity.”
•
Turn in prayer
to God. “Lord, I’m committing myself to be pure in both my mind and my body. I’m turning away from impurity and turning to You for purity. I’m yielding my thoughts and desires to Your power to make me pure.” The Bible says,
“Everyone who confesses the name of the Lord
must turn away from wickedness”
(2 T
IMOTHY
2:19).
MasturbationQ
UESTION:
“I am not married, and I struggle with masturbation, a habit I developed as a teenager. I am a Christian, and the guilt is overwhelming. How can I overcome this sexual addiction?”
A
NSWER:
Masturbation is not mentioned in Scripture, but it is a perversion of what God intended just by the fact that it is self-focused and self-gratifying. God designed sex to bond a husband and wife together, to be mutually gratifying and other-focused. A biblical principle is applicable here: “‘Everything is permissible for me’—but not everything is beneficial. ‘Everything is permissible for me’—but I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Corinthians 6:12).
The implication is that anything that has mastery over you is sin because Christ should be your Master. A major step toward gaining mastery over guilt-producing habits is to take immediate control of your thoughts at the first urge.
•
Pray for God’s highest purpose
for your life. “Lord, I’ll do whatever it takes to be conformed to Your character” (see Romans 8:29).
•
Say to yourself
, “My body belongs to God. I will only do what is pleasing to Him” (see 2 Corinthians 5:9).
•
Distract yourself
from this compulsive desire by doing a positive physical activity such as cleaning a closet, sorting books on a shelf, engaging in exercise, or taking the traditional “cold shower.”
•
Do something positive:
sing a song, pray a prayer, phone a friend, write a letter, read the Word, or repeat this truth five times: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13
NKJV)
.
As a Christian, you have Christ living in you, empowering you to live a godly life.
“Thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin…
You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to
righteousness…Just as you used to offer the parts of your body
in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so
now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness”
(R
OMANS
6:17-19).
Teen Addicted to Internet PornQ
UESTION:
“My teenage son is addicted to pornography on the Internet—he refuses to stop accessing it no matter what I say. What can I do?”
A
NSWER:
While an Internet filter should certainly be installed, many Internet surfers eventually learn how to circumvent the system. Nevertheless, you need to communicate and maintain your convictions and boundaries about pornography.
• Tell your son that because you love him, you will do whatever it takes to help him become a young man of moral character.
• Remove the computer from his room and move it to an open family area. (If it’s already in an open location, then tell him someone must be in the room with him when he uses it.)
• No matter how much he says he needs a computer for school, accessing pornography was his choice. Therefore, he has chosen his own consequence.
• Explain why you are being so firm:
“Son, I love you and want you to have increased freedom. But I also know pornography has such a strong pull that many people become addicted to it. That is just one reason we are prohibiting you from accessing porn sites. There are other reasons:
– Pornography poisons your mind and, at the same time, pollutes our home.
– Pornography not only violates our values, but it also offends the heart of God—it debases the very human beings whom He made in His image.
“Because you’re having such difficulty with self-control, you’ve left us with no choice but to revoke all computer privileges when you are alone. After a month, we can talk about how you can regain our trust.”
Scripture addresses the seriousness of sin: “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away” (Matthew 5:29-30).
Pornography Affects the Marriage RelationshipQ
UESTION:
“Doesn’t pornography enhance a couple’s sex life?”
A
NSWER:
Pornography is addictive and often leads to abuse of others. Pornography debases sexuality and ridicules Christian values in favor of lust and immorality. God ordained human sexuality for intimacy in marriage and for procreation. To the contrary, pornography is designed simply to arouse indiscriminate sexual lust.
Pornography introduces perversion into your marriage and home life—a perversion that diverts from the true intent of something or turns something to a wrong end or use.
39
By attempting to enhance your sex life through pornography, you risk corrupting the beauty God intended for you to experience in your sexual union with your mate.
Pornography typically leads addicts to…
• Devalue their mates. Love turns to lust for the “ideal” sexual mate.
• Force their mates to perform perverted acts. The beauty of the sexual union turns to unnatural acts seen in pornographic materials.
• Commit adultery. Pornography encourages indiscriminate sex.
• Pass on the addiction to children, who then also become addicted. They are often used and abused.
Just as pornography is progressive, all sexual addiction, if not stopped, progresses into more blatant and risky behavior. What was once sexually stimulating becomes ineffective. More explicit acts are required to create the same level of sensual excitement previously experienced.
“‘You will bear the consequences of your lewdness
and your detestable practices,’ declares the L
ORD
”
(E
ZEKIEL
16:58).
Stop the rituals, stop the fantasies, says Dr. Mark Laaser.
Many sex addicts don’t realize they go through rituals before sexually acting out. Discerning those rituals is the first step toward exercising discipline over them. For example, a sex addict may be stimulated by something he or she sees on TV. Then he gets in the car, goes to an ATM machine to get money, and then winds up at a massage parlor. Healthy boundaries must be put in place to halt ritualistic behavior, and in this case, that would mean avoiding all sexually graphic material on television.
Fantasy is a symptom of the spiritual and emotional condition of sex addicts, distracting them from painful feelings.
40
Fantasy is also one of the greatest hurdles to cross over on the road to recovery because sex addicts have countless images and memories emblazoned in their minds. Victory can come through examining the
whys
behind the fantasies, addressing the painful feelings, and discussing them with a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor.
Many who have become addicted to pornography on the Internet promise themselves or others they will stop, only to keep coming back for more. Even finding ways to get around the Internet filters, blockers, and controls on their computers can become an exciting adventure. Realistically, aside from canceling or totally blocking Internet access, there are no 100 percent guarantees that can keep addicts from accessing sexually enticing materials. There are, however, creative ways to help addicts become free or gain control of their addictive behavior. Freedom begins with a commitment to the Lord to do whatever He wants you to do in order to be sexually pure. Based on that decisive commitment, the next step is to strategically plan for success. The following suggestions will help you follow through with your decision.
41
• Use a Christian Internet service provider (ISP) that filters the Internet at the server side and requires a password before you can change the controls. (Allow your wife or trusted friend to keep you accountable by password-protecting the filter!)
• In many cases, canceling all Internet access for a period of time is necessary to help break the cycle of sexual addiction.
• If you struggle with late-night Internet pornography, use a filter that blocks late-night access. Several Internet guardian programs allow the password holder to limit access to the Internet at certain hours.
• Be sure to find a guardian filter that is guaranteed to work with your Internet browser. Several Christian Internet filters do not block Internet access if someone uses the AOL browser.
• Find an ISP or an Internet filter that allows the password holder to access a protected file that tracks all Internet activity. This serves as a major reminder that all Internet activity will be monitored, and it prohibits the user from erasing the history of Internet sites that were visited.
• Monitoring software provides a helpful alternative to blocking software. Trusted friends are e-mailed all the sites you visit each month, with questionable sites flagged, enabling them to hold you accountable for the material you view on the Internet.
• Because e-mails that invite access to a porn site are so common, be sure your filter either sifts out pornographic e-mail or stops you from being linked to a pornographic site.
• Place your computer in a part of the house where there is heavy traffic and where the computer screen can be easily seen. Avoid places where computer use can be secretive or hidden.
“Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight
.
Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him
to whom we must give account”
(H
EBREWS
4:13).
Many who have known success in their struggles with temptation say, “I couldn’t have made it without someone holding me accountable. God knew that’s what I needed!”
But at times having an accountability partner isn’t effective. Why? Realize that many strugglers hope no one will ask them
specifically
how they are doing sexually. Asking specific questions is a key component of effective accountability. Strugglers need to know that they are going to be asked targeted questions. They also need to know they will have someone
trustworthy
to hold them accountable. The Bible says, “If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted” (Galatians 6:1).
A
CCOUNTABILITY
Q
UESTIONS
Since we last spoke:
1. Have you thought about someone in a lustful way?
2. Have you been exposed to pornography, whether intentionally or unintentionally? If so, what, and how many times?
3. Have you looked at anything else sexually stimulating such as magazines, movies, videos, TV, advertisements, Internet sites, even if by accident? How did you respond?
4. Have you listened to anything sexually arousing, such as radio/phone sex?
5. Have you “objectified” someone—that is, looked at a person as a sex object?
6. Did you flirt with someone or use sexual humor?
7. Have you contributed to the sexual temptation of someone else?
8. Have you attempted to attract the inappropriate attention of others? Have you used provocative behavior or any form of exhibitionism?
9. Have you used the fantasy stored in your memory to act out sexually?
10. Have you had any thoughts about having an affair? If so, with whom? Have you done anything to move toward acting on this affair?
11. Have you acted out sexually in any way? Does your mate know? Who else knows?
12. Have you just twisted the truth or lied to me?
“He who conceals his sins does not prosper
,
but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy”
(P
ROVERBS
28:13).
Note to Mentors:
Any of these questions can be traded out for other questions. During the first session together, ask those who want victory to select three or four questions most appropriate for their struggle:
• Ask, “Are there specific areas in which you know you need to be held accountable?”
• Then after several sessions, ask, “How is this accountability working for you?”
• “If our positions were reversed, what would you do differently if you were me?”
Remember, Christ is shaping and maturing both of you through this time of accountability, and you want the struggler to be set free!
“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”
(P
ROVERBS
27:17).
If you want a
full recovery
from your sexual addiction, then you must make a
full disclosure
of your sexual addiction. If you want the hope of
full healing
for your marriage, then you must make a
full disclosure
to your marriage partner.
You may try to fight taking this step, especially if you are thinking,
But God forgives and forgets!
While that is true of God, we are called to be accountable to others for our failures. Because of all the lies, deception, and cover-ups inherent in addictive behavior, disclosing the absolute truth is necessary for three reasons: (1) to become a person of integrity, (2) to learn to speak the truth, and (3) to seek to rebuild trust.
Invite God to teach you to be trustworthy with the truth:
“Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God
my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long”
(P
SALM
25:5).
Write a Full Disclosure
To ensure you say what needs to be said, write out your disclosure first.
• Pray for the courage to write an honest account of your history of sexual acting out. “God, I ask for Your moral courage to tell the complete truth.”
• Make a chronological time line from your earliest inappropriate sexual experiences to the present.
• Do not hide anything concerning how you have acted out your sexual addiction, with whom, how many times, and where. But do not share unnecessary details (such as the duration of each sex act) or any titillating descriptions.
Making the Disclosure
A
onetime
full disclosure to your spouse is necessary and nonnegotiable. (Ideally, the disclosure would take place in the presence of a counselor trained in addiction recovery—one who can mediate the disclosure.)
• First, share your sexual history with the counselor, who can make helpful suggestions.
• Then, when you and your spouse are prepared to meet together with the counselor, plan to arrive in separate vehicles, as it may be too difficult for your spouse to share a ride home following the session. Likewise, you could arrange for a place to stay for the night, in case your spouse needs time and space to be alone. Do not push your marriage partner for reconciliation or intimacy.
• When you begin sharing your disclosure, take full responsibility for all of your actions.
• Never disclose your addiction by eking out information little by little, bit by bit. Instead, no matter how difficult,
tell the truth and nothing but the truth!
The Word of God gives this crucial counsel:
“He who conceals his sins does not prosper
,
but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy”
(P
ROVERBS
28:13).
To speed up the recovery process, be specific when you write out your sexual history. Be thorough, honest, and prayerful. Ask God to bring to your mind every sexual encounter.
“I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity
.
I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the L
ORD
’”
(P
SALM
32:5).
•
Experience:
Make a list of all of your sexual experiences, beginning with your very first. How old were you, who was present, and what do you remember about that experience?
•
Lies:
Make a list of all the ways you have lied and been dishonest in your addiction.
•
Excuses:
Make a list of all the excuses you have made or used to justify your actions. (“I can’t help it.”)
•
Rationales:
Make a list of all the rationales you have made for your addiction. (“No one will ever know.”)
•
People hurt:
Make a list of all the people you have hurt, including loved ones you have “stolen” time from when you were acting out.