How to Defeat Harmful Habits (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (50 page)

– Set realistic guidelines and goals.

– Admit each time that you slip.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for
their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But
pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!”

(E
CCLESIASTES
4:9-10).

U—U
PHOLD
boundary lines that must be off limits.

– With the help of an accountability partner, make a list of times in your daily routine, places in your home, in the community, or on the Internet where you are tempted.

– With your accountability partner, establish ways of breaking routines and setting boundaries (like installing blocking or monitoring software on your computer or changing schedules) to avoid tempting situations.

– Establish a regular pattern of accountability by giving your accountability partner permission to ask you about your behavior and, where necessary, make further changes in your routine to avoid temptation.

“The prudent see danger and take refuge
,
but the simple keep going and suffer for it”

(P
ROVERBS
27:12).

R—R
ID
yourself, your home, and your work of all sexually addictive items.

– Throw away all pornography.

– Clear away all erotic paraphernalia.

– Discard addresses and calling cards of all sexual contacts.

“Wash and make yourselves clean. Take your evil deeds
out of my sight! Stop doing wrong, learn to do right!”

(I
SAIAH
1:16-17).

I—I
NCORPORATE
the power of Christ daily when temptation overwhelms you.

– “Lord, I’m relying on You to be my Redeemer.”

– “Lord, I’m depending on You to be my Deliverer.”

– “Lord, in my weakness I need Your strength.”

“‘My [Jesus’] grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect
in weakness.’ Therefore I [Paul] will boast all the more gladly
about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me”

(2 C
ORINTHIANS
12:9).

T—
TAKE
on positive habits of discipline, such as exercise, sports, regular sleep, and new hobbies.

– Make a to-do list of healthy activities you enjoy.

– Do one item from the list when you are tempted.

– Write a letter, call a friend, or help someone in need.

“He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but
whoever ignores correction leads others astray”

(P
ROVERBS
10:17).

Y—
YIELD
your mind to meditating on and memorizing Scripture.

– Read a chapter from the New Testament each day.

– Read Romans chapter 6 once a week.

– Read Colossians 3:1-5 each day and memorize Philippians 4:8-9.

“Get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and
humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you”

(J
AMES
1:21).

Jim—the Secret Struggle

When I asked Jim Cress (to whom this book is dedicated)—my friend and co-host on
Hope in the Night—
if he would share his story in this book, I felt doubly blessed when he said
yes
.

When I was four, an older boy in my neighborhood convinced me to perform a sexual act with him. To this day, I vividly remember my surroundings—the sounds, the smells, and the sight of several other boys watching my every move. I admired and trusted this older boy and sincerely believed,
Since he suggested it, this must be the right thing to do
.

From that point onward throughout early adolescence, my life was filled with sexual experimentation. As a young boy, I developed an insatiable desire to connect with neighborhood girls, often encouraging them to sneak away so we could kiss, sexually fondle each other, or even attempt what we thought was actually “sex.” During many a sleepover at friends’ homes, kissing and sexually touching the girls would be the grand finale of the night.

A healthy physical connection with another person was painfully absent in my home, which fueled my desperate search. Born fifth in a family of six children, my parents had little to give emotionally. Affection and affirmation were almost nonexistent as my parents grappled with the daily dramas of raising a family. I have no enjoyable memories of my father during those years—no recollection of his trying to build a relationship with me. Although our family attended church three times a week, my father never talked with me about sexuality, the Christian life, God, or anything else of substance.

Not only did my home life lack healthy forms of touch, but there were also times when my father would angrily whip me with a belt. And my undiagnosed ADHD—Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder—only compounded my ever-deepening feelings of loneliness, shame, rejection, and confusion.

When I was 12, an older boy began talking to me about masturbation. Prior to that, I had developed serious misgivings about it, having heard it could give me acne or cause me to go blind. My worldly-wise friend, however, quickly dismissed these myths and showed me how to masturbate, adding that if I wanted to really enhance the experience, I should look at racy pictures of women.

I carefully noted his instructions, even though the part about looking at pictures of women made no sense to me. Even so, a few weeks later, when I tried it for myself, I looked at a department store catalog. My friend knew what he was talking about—I was instantly hooked.

Thus began my secret habit, which, over time, developed into an addiction to pornography and masturbation. During those years I couldn’t find actual pornography, but my mom had several catalogs in the house—“poor man’s pornography”—which laid the foundation for an “arousal template.” Pictures of women in lingerie became my favorite type of visual stimulation.

Throughout my teen years I participated actively in church and was, in fact, growing spiritually. I earnestly believed that if I prayed enough, did church activities enough, and dated good Christians enough, I would finally win the war with lust. My plan did not work.

In my twenties, I sincerely believed that if I attended a Christian college and surrendered my life to full-time Christian ministry, I would find the solution to my problem. I was sincere, but sincerely wrong.

Still, I convinced myself that if I could just marry a beautiful Christian woman, I would certainly find the solution. My plan worked—until, as a newly married man, I found myself one night unable to get my way sexually. To my deep dismay, my old, dark habit came roaring back. Even as I was earning a master’s degree from seminary—actively involved in ministry—my secret struggle continued.

My wife’s discovery of my addiction seemed, at first, to be the worst thing that could have happened. As it turned out, it was one of the best. My secret had been exposed, and I was held accountable. Understandably, Jessica felt devastated. In fact, she and I experienced a several-year period of celibacy as each of us dealt with our emotional wounds. Although I didn’t enthusiastically embrace it at the time, I now see that this period afforded me valuable time to rid my brain and body of the toxic grip of a lifetime of sexual addiction.

Through years of individual, marital, and group counseling, I came to realize that sex was not my greatest need. I learned that sex addicts are highly likely to have experienced damage to their self-worth as children—trauma that damages their ability to bond with and trust others. I faced my issues of childhood abandonment and gained understanding of how my sexual fantasy was a futile attempt to escape the reality of my painful past. I forgave my “four-year-old self” for naïvely participating in my own sexual abuse. And I came to realize that no amount of sex could fill the hole in my heart—a spot reserved for God alone.

During my recovery, I also experienced a rich healing in my relationship with my father. Dad and I shared many tender moments and deep, honest conversations about life, our relationship with each other, and God. When my father died, we were at peace.

God continues to redeem the tragedies of my past, using my abuse, abandonment, and pain to give me empathy and compassion so I can offer help and hope to others. Today I minister as a licensed professional counselor, certified sex addiction therapist, and a national radio talk show cohost on two programs that allow me to help others who are trapped in the bondage of sexual addiction.

The search for sexual gratification is no longer my master—Jesus Christ is my Master. Through His grace, I have experienced the truth of Genesis 50:20: What others meant for harm to me, God meant for good.

Severing “soul ties” and strongholds begins with a strong sense of
powerlessness
.

“Like many other biblical principles,” according to Marnie, “this one involves a great paradox. It’s only through surrender that there can be salvation. Only through admitting defeat can victory be gained.”
³⁶

Sex addicts must seek God’s help and surrender their will and life to God. For Marnie, that didn’t come easily. Five months into therapy, Marnie still wasn’t sexually sober. Then all of a sudden she found herself at a watershed moment. Whose will would she obey—her own, or God’s? Would self or the Sovereign One be on the throne of her life?

Making the Choice

A 2:00 a.m. phone call to a friend in recovery jolted Marnie into finally making the decision that would determine the course of her life. Her friend told her, “Marnie, this is really pretty simple. Either you believe God’s in control and you submit to that—or you don’t. There aren’t any other choices.”
³⁷

The black-and-white words ultimately delivered Marnie from her gray world of compromise, rationalizations, and justifications. She got down on her knees and surrendered her will to God, and as a recovering sex addict,
it’s something she must do on a daily basis
.

When two people engage in a sexual relationship, a soul tie is established between them. Fantasizing about an illicit relationship with another person can also create an unholy bond with that person in your mind and heart. All sexual relationships outside of marriage need to be broken, even if they occurred in the past and are over. Begin by praying along these lines:

God, thank You for loving me in spite of my wrong choices. I confess each sexually immoral relationship as sin. Lord Jesus, through Your supernatural power, I ask You to break all unholy sexual bonds that exist between me and anyone else. I pray that the soul ties with (
names
) be broken. [Pray this sentence naming each person with whom you have been sexually and/or emotionally involved.] Lord Jesus, from this moment on, I will rely on Your power and live in Your strength.

“Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute
is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two
will become one flesh.’ But he who unites himself
with the Lord is one with him in spirit”

(1 C
ORINTHIANS
6:16-17).

Severing the Stronghold

When a series of sexually impure relationships occur, a sexual stronghold is formed. Until God demolishes the stronghold, you will continue in the sexually impure patterns of the past. Pray that the sexual stronghold be demolished.

Lord Jesus, I affirm that sex is not my master. Rather, You are my Master. Through the supernatural power of Christ, I pray that You destroy every stronghold—physical, mental, emotional, and sexual—in my life. Keep me from justifying impure thoughts. May I see sin as You see it and hate sin as You hate it. Lord, I give You control of my life.