How It Is (9 page)

the blue there was then the white dust impressions of more recent date pleasant unpleasant
and those finally unruffled by emotion things not easy

unbroken no paragraphs no commas not a second for
reflection
with the nail of the index until it falls and the worn back bleeding passim it was
near the end like yesterday vast stretch of time

but quick an example from among the simple from the early days or heroic then Pim
to speak until he vanishes end of part two leaving only three and last

with the nail then of the right index in great capitals two full lines the shorter
the communication the greater the capitals one has only to know a little beforehand
what one wants to say he feels the great ornate letter the snakes the imps God be
praised it won’t be long YOU PIM pause YOU PIM in the furrows here a difficulty has
he grasped no knowing

stab him simply in the arse that is to say speak and he will say anything what he
can whereas proof I need proof so stab him in a certain way signifying answer once
and for all which I do therefore what an improvement how I’ve improved

a special stroke indescribable a trick of the hand with the
gratifying
result one fine day vast stretch of time me Jim or Tim not Pim in any case not yet
the back is not yet uniformly sensitive but it will be cheers none the less done it
more or less rest

simply try again not yet say die a good deep P and the apposite stab and inevitable
one fine day should it mean his trying all the consonants in the Roman alphabet that
he will answer in the end it’s inevitable me Pim which he does in the end it was inevitable
me Pim clap athwart the arse opener between the thighs arm round his poor shoulders
done it rest

thus then no point in other examples he was a bad pupil I a bad master but fullness
of time the little we had to say it was nothing

I nothing only say this say that your life above YOUR LIFE pause my life ABOVE long
pause above IN THE in the LIGHT pause light his life above in the light almost an
octosyllable
come to think of it a coincidence

I then nothing about me my life what life never anything hardly ever he nothing either
unless driven never on his own but once launched not without pleasure the impression
or illusion no stopping him thump thump all his fat-headed meatus in the shit no holding
him thump thump

the proportion of invention vast assuredly vast proportion a thing you don’t know
the threat the bleeding arse the cracking nerves you invent but real or imaginary
no knowing it’s
impossible
it’s not said it doesn’t matter it does it did that’s superb a thing that matters

that life then said to have been his invented remembered a little of each no knowing
that thing above he gave it to me I made it mine what I fancied skies especially and
the paths he crept along how they changed with the sky and where you were going on
the Atlantic in the evening on the ocean going to the isles or coming back the mood
of the moment less important the creatures encountered hardly any always the same
I picked my fancy good moments nothing left

dear Pim come back from the living he got it from another that dog’s life to take
and to leave I’ll give it to another the voice said so the voice in me that was without
quaqua on all sides hard to believe here in the dark the mud that only one life above
from age to age eternally allowance made for preferences ah that’s it allowance made
for needs

mine what I need that’s it most need changing aspects that’s it ever changing aspects
of the never changing life according to the needs but the needs the needs surely for
ever here the same needs from age to age the same thirsts the voice says so

it said I murmur for us here one after another the same thirsts and life unchanging
here as above according to the unchanging needs hard to believe it depends on the
moment the mood of the moment the mood remains a little changeful you may say no sound
there is nothing to prevent you today I am perhaps not quite so sad as yesterday there
is nothing to stop you

the things I could no longer see little scenes part one in their stead Pim’s voice
Pim in the light blue of day and blue of night little scenes the curtains parted the
mud parted the light went on he saw for me that too may be said there is nothing against
it

silence more and more longer and longer silences vast tracts of time we at a loss
more and more he for answers I for questions sick of life in the light one question
how often no more figures no more time vast figure vast stretch of time on his life
in the dark the mud before me mainly curiosity was he still alive YOUR LIFE HERE BEFORE
ME utter confusion

God on God desperation utter confusion did he believe he believed then not couldn’t
any more his reasons both cases my God

I pricked him how I pricked him in the end long before purely curiosity was he still
alive thump thump in the mud vile tears of unbutcherable brother

if he heard a voice if only that if he had ever heard a voice voices if only I had
asked him that I couldn’t I hadn’t heard it yet the voice the voices no knowing surely
not

I won’t either in the end I won’t hear it any more never heard it it said so I murmur
so no voice only his only Pim’s not his either no more Pim never any Pim never any
voice hard to believe in the dark the mud no voice no image in the end long before

samples whatever comes remembered imagined no knowing life above life here God in
heaven yes or no if he loved me a little if Pim loved me a little yes or no if I loved
him a little in the dark the mud in spite of all a little affection find someone at
last someone find you at last live together glued together love each other a little
love a little without being loved be loved a little without loving answer that leave
it vague leave it dark

end of part two part one is ended leaving only part three and last they were good
moments there will be good moments less good it must be expected but first a little
frisk the last new
position
and effect on soul

I let go the sack let go Pim that’s the worst letting go the sack and away semi-side
left right leg right arm push pull right right don’t lose him round his head hairpin
turn right right straighten up across his arm along his side close in and halt my
head to his feet his to mine long rest growing anguish

suddenly back hugging the flesh west and north with my right hand I seize his skin
too big for him and pull myself forward last little frisk back to my place I should
never have left it I’ll never leave it again I grasp the sack it has not stirred Pim
has not stirred our hands touch long silence long rest vast stretch of time

YOUR LIFE ABOVE no more need of light two lines only and Pim to speak he turns his
head tears in the eyes my tears my eyes if I had any it was then I needed them not
now

his right cheek to the mud his mouth to my ear our narrow shoulders overlapping his
hairs in mine human breath shrill murmur if too loud finger in arse I’ll stir no more
from this place I’m still there

soon unbearable thump on skull long silence vast stretch of time soon unbearable opener
arse or capitals if he has lost the thread YOUR LIFE CUNT ABOVE CUNT HERE CUNT as
it comes bits and scraps all sorts not so many and to conclude happy end cut thrust
DO YOU LOVE ME no or nails armpit and little song to conclude happy end of part two
leaving only part three and last the day comes I come to the day Bom comes YOU BOM
me Bom ME BOM you Bom we Bom

he’s coming I’ll have a voice no voice in the world but mine a murmur had a life up
above down here I’ll see my things again a little blue in the mud a little white our
things little scenes skies especially and paths

and me see me catch a glimpse ten seconds fifteen seconds cowering quiet as a mouse
in my hole or night come at last less light a little less hastening towards the next
much better much safer that will be good good moments the good moments I’ll have had
up there down here nothing left but go to heaven

samples my life above Pim’s life we’re talking of Pim my life up there my wife stop
opener arse slow to start then no holding him thump on skull long silence

my wife above Pam Prim can’t remember can’t see her she shaved her mound never saw
that I talk like him I do we’re talking of me like him little blurts midget grammar
past that then plof down the hole

I talk like him Bom will talk like me only one kind of talk here one after another
the voice said so it talks like us the voice of us all quaqua on all sides then in
us when the panting stops bits and scraps that’s where we get it our old talk each
his own way each his needs the best he can it stops ours starts starts again no knowing

Pam Prim we made love every day then every third then the Saturday then just the odd
time to get rid of it tried to revive it through the arse too late she fell from the
window or jumped broken column

in the ward before she went every day all winter she forgave me everybody all mankind
she grew good God calling her home the blue mound strange idea not bad she must have
been dark on the deathbed it grew again

the flowers on the night-table she couldn’t turn her head I see the flowers I held
them at arm’s length before her eyes the things you see right hand left hand before
her eyes that was my visit and she forgiving marguerites from the latin pearl they
were all I could find

iron bed glossy white two foot wide all was white high off the ground vision of love
in it see others’ furniture and not the loved one how can one

sitting on the foot of the bed holding the vase bile-green flute the feet dangling
the flowers between the face through them that I forget what it was like except intact
white as chalk not a scratch or my eyes roved there were a score of them

outside the road going down lined with trees thousands all the same same species never
knew which miles of hill straight as a ribbon never saw that toil in winter to the
top the frozen slush the black boughs grey with hoar she at the end at the top dying
forgiving all white

the holly she had begged for the berries anything a little colour a little green so
much white the ivy anything tell her I couldn’t find find the words the places she
must have done it in summer July August find the words tell her the places where I
had looked left foot right foot one step forward two back

my life above what I did in my life above a little of everything tried everything
then gave up no worse always a hole a ruin always a crust never any good at anything
not made for that farrago too complicated crawl about in corners and sleep all I wanted
I got it nothing left but go to heaven

papa no idea building trade perhaps some branch or other fell off the scaffolding
on his arse no the scaffolding that fell and he with it landed on his arse dead burst
it must have been him or the uncle God knows

mamma none either column of jade bible invisible in the black hand only the edge red
gilt the black finger inside psalm one hundred and something oh God man his days as
grass flower of the field wind above in the clouds the face ivory pallor
muttering
lips all the lower it’s possible

never anyone never knew anyone always ran fled elsewhere some other place my life
above places paths nothing else brief places long paths the quickest way or a thousand
detours the safest way always at night less light a little less A to B B to C home
at last safe at last drop sleep

first sounds feet whispers clink of iron don’t look head in my arms face to the ground
macfarlane on top of all turn the head in the cover of the cloak make a chink open
the eyes close them quick close the chink wait for night

B to C C to D from hell to home hell to home to hell always at night Z to A divine
forgetting enough

did he think did we think just enough to speak enough to hear not even comma a mouth
an ear sly old pair glued together take away the rest put them in a jar there to end
if it has an end the monologue

dream then that at least certainly not me dream me Pim Bom to be me think pah

all alone Pim all alone before me his voice come back did he speak the way I do part
three the way I murmur in the mud what I hear in me when the panting stops bits and
scraps if only I had asked I couldn’t I didn’t know I didn’t speak not yet he wouldn’t
have known YES OR NO I don’t know I won’t know I didn’t ask I won’t be asked

my voice is going it will come back my first voice no voice above none there either
Pim’s life above never was never spoke to anyone never solo mute words no sound it’s
possible brief movements of the lower great confusion no knowing

if Bom never came if only that but then how end the hand dipping clawing for the tin
the arse instead of the familiar slime all imagination and all the rest this voice
its promises and solaces all imagination dear bud dear worm

all that always every word as I hear it in me that was without when the panting stops
and murmur it in the mud bits and scraps I say it once more every word always I’ll
say it no more and now what to end is there anything left before going on and ending
part two leaving only part three and last yes all alone there is left all alone alas

all alone and the witness bending over me name Kram bending over us father to son
to grandson yes or no and the scribe name Krim generations of scribes keeping the
record a little aloof sitting standing it’s not said yes or no samples extracts

brief movements of the lower face no sound or too faint

ten yards one hour forty minutes six yards per hour or better it’s clearer one palm
per minute I remembered my days an
hand-breadth
my life as nothing man a vapour

struggles to open tin long struggles couldn’t see of what change our lamps gives up
puts back tin and opener in sack very calm