How It Is (7 page)

only one thing to do go back or at least only other thrash round where I lie and I
go on zigzag give me my due conformably to my complexion present formulation seeking
that which I have lost there where I have never been

dear figures when all fails a few figures to wind up with part one before Pim the
golden age the good moments the losses of species I was young I clung on on to the
species we’re talking of the species the human saying to myself brief movements no
sound two and two twice two and so on

sudden swerve therefore left it’s preferable forty-five degrees and two yards straight
line such is the force of habit then right right angle and straight ahead four yards
dear figures then left right angle and beeline four yards then right right angle so
on till Pim

thus north and south of the abandoned arrow effect of hope series of sawteeth or chevrons
sides two yards base three a little less this the base we’re talking of the base in
the old line of march which I thus revisit an instant between two vertices one yard
and a half a little less dear figures golden age so it ends part one before Pim my
travelling days vast stretch of time I was young all that all those words chevrons
golden vertices every word always as I hear it in me that was without quaqua on all
sides and murmur to the mud when the panting stops barely audible bits and scraps

semi-side left right leg right arm push pull flat on face curse God bless him beseech
him no sound with feet and hands scrabble in the mud what do I hope a tin lost where
I have never been a tin half-emptied thrown away ahead that’s all I hope

where I have never been but others perhaps long before not long before it’s one or
the other or it’s both a procession what comfort in adversity others what comfort

those dragging on in front those dragging on behind whose lot has been whose lot will
be what your lot is endless cortège of sacks burst in the interests of all

or a celestial tin miraculous sardines sent down by God at the news of my mishap wherewith
to spew him out another week

semi-side right left leg left arm push pull flat on the face mute imprecations scrabble
in the mud every half-yard eight times per chevron or three yards of headway clear
a little less the hand dips clawing for the take instead of the familiar slime an
arse two cries one mute end of part one before Pim that’s how it was before Pim

here then at last part two where I have still to say how it was as I hear it in me
that was without quaqua on all sides bits and scraps how it was with Pim vast stretch
of time murmur it in the mud to the mud when the panting stops how it was my life
we’re talking of my life in the dark the mud with Pim part two leaving only part three
and last that’s where I have my life where I had it where I’ll have it vast tracts
of time part three and last in the dark the mud my life murmur it bits and scraps

happy time in its way part two we’re talking of part two with Pim how it was good
moments good for me we’re talking of me for him too we’re talking of him too happy
too in his way I’ll know it later his way of happiness I’ll have it later I have not
yet had all

faint shrill cry then foretaste of this semi-castrate mutter I must bear how long
no more figures there’s another little difference compared to what precedes not the
slightest figure henceforth all measures vague yes vague impressions of length length
of space length of time vague impressions of brevity between the two and hence no
more reckoning save possibly algebraical yes I hear yes then no

smartly as from a block of ice or white-hot my hand recoils hangs a moment it’s vague
in mid air then slowly sinks again and settles firm and even with a touch of ownership
already on the miraculous flesh perpendicular to the crack the stump of the thumb
and thenar and hypo balls on the left cheek the four fingers on the other the right
hand therefore we are not yet head to foot

flat assuredly but slightly arched none the less modesty perhaps the innate kind it
can’t have been acquired and so a little
hog-backed
straddling the slit whence contact with the right cheek less pads than nails second
cry of fright assuredly but in which I seemed to catch orchestra-drowned a faint flageolet
of
pleasure
already fatuity on my part it’s possible

there’s a past perhaps this part will work in the past part two with Pim how it was
another little difference perhaps compared to what precedes but quick my nails a word
on them they will have their part to play

to be feared well well that in this part I may be not extinguished no that is not
said that is not yet in my composition no dimmed what is said is dimmed before I flare
up Pim gone even more lively if that is possible than before we met more what is the
word more lively there’s nothing better the man who has only to appear and no ears
no eyes for anyone else too strong as always yes to be feared my part now the utilityman’s

my part who but for me he would never Pim we’re talking of Pim never be but for me
anything but a dumb limp lump flat for ever in the mud but I’ll quicken him you wait
and see and how I can efface myself behind my creature when the fit takes me now my
nails

quick a supposition if this so-called mud were nothing more than all our shit yes
all if there are not billions of us at the moment and why not the moment there are
two there were yes billions of us crawling and shitting in their shit hugging like
a treasure in their arms the wherewithal to crawl and shit a little more now my nails

my nails well to mention only the hands not to mention that eastern sage they were
in a sorry state that extreme eastern sage who having clenched his fists from the
tenderest age it’s vague till the hour of his death it is not said at what age having
done that

the hour of his death at what age it is not said was enabled to see them at last a
little before his nails his death having pierced the palms through and through was
enabled to see them
emerging
at last on the other side and a little later having thus lived done this done that
clenched his fists all his life thus lived died at last saying to himself latest breath
that they’d grow on

the curtains parted part one I saw his friends come to visit him where squatting in
the deep shade of a tomb or a bo his fists clenched on his knees he lived thus

they broke for want of chalk or suchlike but not in concert so that some my nails
we’re talking of my nails some always long others presentable I saw him dreaming the
mud parted the light went on I saw him dreaming with the help of a friend or failing
that boon all alone of bending them back to the back of his hand for them to go through
the other way death forestalled him

Pim’s right buttock then first contact he must have heard them grate there’s a noble
past I could have dug them in if I had wished I longed claw dig deep furrows drink
the screams the blue the violent shade the turbaned head bowed over the fists the
circle of friends in their white dhotis without going that far

the cries tell me which end the head but I may be mistaken with the result all hangs
together that the hand slides right and there to be sure there’s the fork it’s as
I thought then back left just the same just to clinch it and there to be sure there’s
the arse again then oh without tarrying down in a hollow then guided by stump of thumb
on spine on up to the floating ribs that clinches it the anatomy I had no point in
insisting further his cries continue that clinches it this won’t work in the past
either I’ll never have a past never had

good a fellow-creature more or less but man woman girl or boy cries have neither certain
cries sex nor age I try to turn him over on his back no the right side still less
the left less still my strength is ebbing good good I’ll never know Pim but on his
belly

all that I say it as I hear it every word always and that having rummaged in the mud
between his legs I bring up finally what seems to me a testicle or two the anatomy
I had

as I hear it and murmur in the mud that I hoist myself if I may say so a little forward
to feel the skull it’s bald no delete the face it’s preferable mass of hairs all white
to the feel that clinches it he’s a little old man we’re two little old men something
wrong there

in the dark the mud my head against his my side glued to his my right arm round his
shoulders his cries have ceased we lie thus a good moment they are good moments

how long thus without motion or sound of any kind were it but of breath vast a vast
stretch of time under my arm now and then a deeper breath heaves him slowly up leaves
him at last and sets him slowly down others would say a sigh

thus our life in common we begin it thus I do not say it is not said as others at
the end of theirs clinging almost to each other I never saw any it seems never any
such but even beasts observe each other I saw some once it seems and they observing
each other let him understand who has a wish to I have none

almost clinging that’s too strong as always he can’t repel me it’s like my sack when
I had it still this providential flesh I’ll never let it go call that constancy if
you wish

when I had it still but I have it still it’s in my mouth no it’s not there any more
I don’t have it any more I am right I was right

vast stretch of time then for our beginnings a dizzy figure in the days of figures
the beginnings of our life in common and
question
what brings this long peace to a close at last and makes us better acquainted what
hitch

a little tune suddenly he sings a little tune suddenly like all that was not then
is I listen for a moment they are good moments it can only be he but I may be mistaken

my arm bends therefore my right it’s preferable which reduces from very obtuse to
very acute the angle between the humerus and the other the anatomy the geometry and
my right hand seeks his lips let us try and see this pretty movement more clearly
its conclusion at least

the hand approaches under the mud comes up at a venture the index encounters the mouth
it’s vague it’s well judged the thumb the cheek somewhere something wrong there dimple
malar the anatomy all astir lips hairs buccinators it’s as I thought he’s singing
that clinches it

I can’t make out the words the mud muffles or perhaps a foreign tongue perhaps he’s
singing a lied in the original perhaps a foreigner

an oriental my dream he has renounced I too will renounce I will have no more desires

he can speak then that’s the main thing he has the use without having really thought
about it I must have thought he hadn’t not having it personally and a little more
generally no doubt that only one way of being where I was namely my way song quite
out of the question I should have thought

awful moment in any case if there ever was one what vistas that closes the first phase
of our life in common and unlatches the second and for that matter last more fertile
in vicissitudes and peripeteias the best in my life perhaps best moment I mean it
is difficult to choose

a human voice there within an inch or two my dream perhaps even a human mind if I
have to learn Italian obviously it will be less amusing

but first some remarks very sparsim vast stretch of time some thirty perhaps in all
here are two or three we’ll see

oriented as he is he must have been following the same road as I before he dropped
there’s one

one day we’ll set off again together and I saw us the curtains parted an instant something
wrong there and I saw us darkly all this before the little tune oh long before helping
each other on dropping with one accord and lying biding in each other’s arms the time
to set off again

to play at him who exists or at least existed then I know I know so much the worse
there’s no harm in mentioning it no harm is done it does you good now and then they
are good moments what does it matter it does no harm to anyone there isn’t anyone

there then behind us already at last the first phase of our life in common leaving
only the second and last end of part two leaving only part three and last

problem of training and concurrently little by little solution and application of
same and concurrently moral plane bud and bloom of relations proper but first some
remarks two or three we’ll see

moving right my right foot encounters only the familiar mud with the result that while
the knee bends to its full extent at the same time it rises my foot we’re talking
of my foot and rubs down one can see the movement all along Pim’s straight stiff legs
it’s as I thought there’s one

my head same movement it encounters his it’s as I thought but I may be mistaken with
the result it draws back again and launches right the expected shock ensues that clinches
it I’m the taller

I resume my pose cleave to him closer he ends at my ankle two or three inches shorter
than me I put it down to seniority

now his arms Saint Andrew’s cross top V reduced aperture my left hand moves up the
left branch follows it into the sack his sack he holds his sack on the inside near
the mouth more daring than me my hand lingers a moment on his like cords his veins
withdraws and resumes its place on the left in the mud no more about this sack for
the moment

in the deeper silence succeeding Pim’s song finally vast stretch of time a distant
ticking I listen a good moment they are good moments

my right hand sets off along his right arm toils to the limit of its reach and beyond
tips with finger-tips a watch wristlet to the feel it’s as I thought it will have
its part to play yes I hear yes then no

better a big ordinary watch complete with heavy chain he holds it tight in his fist
my index worms through the clenched fingers and says a big ordinary watch complete
with heavy chain

I draw his arm towards me behind his back it jams ticking very greatly improved I
drink it for a moment

a few more movements put the arm back where I found it then towards me again the other
way overhead sinistro until it jams one can see the movement grasp the wrist with
my left hand and pull while bearing from behind with the right on the elbow or thereabouts
all that beyond my strength

without having had to raise my head from the mud no question I finally have the watch
to my ear the hand the fist it’s preferable I drink deep of the seconds delicious
moments and vistas

released at last the arm recoils sharp a little way then comes to rest it’s I again
must put it back where I found it way off on the right in the mud Pim is like that
he will be like that he stays whatever way he’s put but it doesn’t amount to much
on the whole a rock

from it to me now part three from way off out on the right in the mud to me abandoned
the distant ticking I derive no more profit from it none whatever no more pleasure
count no more the unforgiving seconds measure no more durations and frequencies take
my pulse no more ninety ninety-five

it keeps me company that’s all its ticking now and then but break it throw it away
let it run down and stop no something stops me it stops I shake my arm it starts no
more about this watch

no more than I by his own account or my imagination he had no name any more than I
so I gave him one the name Pim for more commodity more convenience it’s off again
in the past

it must have appealed to him it’s understandable finished by appealing to him he was
calling him by it himself in the end long before Pim Pim ad nauseam I Pim I always
say when a man’s name is Pim he hasn’t the right and all the things a man hadn’t the
right always said when his name was Pim and with that better from that time out livelier
chattier

when this has sunk in I let him know that I too Pim my name Pim there he has more
difficulty a moment of confusion
irritation
it’s understandable it’s a noble name then it calms down

me too great benefit too I have that impression great benefit especially at first
hard to say why less anonymous somehow or other less obscure

me too I feel it forsaking me soon there will be no one never been anyone of the noble
name of Pim yes I hear yes then no

the one I’m waiting for oh not that I believe in him I say it as I hear it he can
give me another it will be my first Bom he can call me Bom for more commodity that
would appeal to me m at the end and one syllable the rest indifferent