House of Cards (8 page)

Chapter 13:

I’m ready for a breakdown

Avalynn’s POV

This feeling has become all too familiar to me. It’s been seven months, twenty-eight days, two hours, and forty seven minutes since my heart was shattered into my chest. I haven’t had interaction with Daxton since that day; I can’t face him. I’ve let him down, myself down, and Abby down, by not fighting for us. Everyone keeps telling me that’s what’s best for his health and eventually his memory will come back on its’ own. At that point, will he even choose us? He’s been with Krissi most of the time or so I’m told. People make it a point to keep me updated on his everyday dealings even when it pains me to hear it, and I’m glad. I would hate to run into the two of them without any knowledge of them being together.

I’ve become pretty useless to the world around me. I am working on it though, slowly but surely. I still don’t know how that girl can live with herself every day
knowing what she did to Daxton pre-accident and still pretending that everything is okay and they were together before the accident happened. Bullshit, they haven’t been together in years. I wonder if he even knows. A huge part of me wants to write him an anonymous letter or just go to him and let him know the truth, but I know it will confuse him and I don’t want his health to decline because of it. It really sucks knowing there isn’t a damn thing I can do without potentially hurting him, even though it’s hurting me, excruciatingly so, every god damn day.

I’m sitting here contemplating how to go about living without him in my life when she appears out of thin air. I don’t think much about it because it seems like I pay attention to nothing around me these days. I could probably get robbed blind and still be sitting here staring into space. Now
, just looking at her makes me want to scream, break shit, and slap her across the face, but I don’t do anything. Not a damn thing. I can’t even muster up enough energy to avert my eyes from her face, so I sit in silence and stare. My mother is dressed in the same outfit I’d seen her in on the day of the accident. Isn’t it weird the unimportant things that we remember?

She stands in front of me, extremely still. She appears to be cold and her sapphire eyes calculated. My insides twist and disdain fills my being. She almost looks translucent
, her pale skin so closely mirroring my own in tone. The resemblance between her, Abby, and I is uncanny. I’m just glad I don’t look like him. If I did, I’d never look in the mirror again. Finally, she speaks and it takes much longer than normal for her words to ascend from my ear drum and register into my brain.

“Push.” A one syllable world, filled with demand and intent.

I frown, causing my skin to feel as if it was cracking all the way across my face. My facial muscles have had little workout in the last couple of months. I look into her eyes searching.

“Push, Avalynn. Fight. You need me, so I’m here
, but you know deep down. Avalynn, you know.”

The more she spoke, the more confused I felt.

“What are you
talking about, Mom?” I question, unsure if I am going to like the answer.

“I know you want this to be the truth, but life isn’t so easy. Sometimes it just sucks the life out of us and there is nothing that we can do to change it. My girls are more impressive and beautiful than I could have ever imagined. The only one to thank for that is you, Avabug. I couldn’t save you
, I couldn’t even save myself, and for that I am truly sorry. But you can do this - you are strong enough, even with all of that self-doubt burdening your frail shoulders.”

I can feel the warmth of hot tears sliding down my cheeks. It has been such a long time since I’ve cried and I really have no idea why I am crying now. Or maybe I do; everything is coming together and my outlook on things are glum. I want to believe this to be the truth and deep down something breaks in me and I realize I have created a mirage inside of me masking the outcome I never wanted to be a part of. Right here, this is the end - the end of my delusions. The end of not dealing with what I should have long ago. I can feel every little unnerving emotion and I may just explode with the pent up pressure of everything I am; the negative energy that has held me captive for far too long. Here I sit, alone, rocking back and forth for God himself only knows how long. I am begging for just one lungful of the thick air that is surrounding me, suffocating me. Panic grips me and my breaths get fewer and far between. I’m clawing at my chest, attempting to rip out my rapidly beating heart and bury it in the backyard with the secrets I’ve been keeping. This is me admitting to myself that I am not strong enough to face the past that continuously stalks my whole life, laughing in my face, and daring me to be happy. My scars suddenly feel more defined. I look down to see raging, red lines not so delicately interwoven throughout the entirety of my body. It’s been a long time coming. I am hoping that this is not the end, but only the beginning for realization to strike me and better things to come from the ashes.

Time staggers by and I calm myself enough to make a phone call. I’m surprised at the voice on the other end, but anything is better than solitude and being alone right now is the farthest thing from my mind. My knight in dark shining armor arrives to save the day
, only he’s not my knight this time.

Tripp doesn’t even knock on the door, just opens it and rushes inside straight to me. He wraps me in his arms and I feel safe again. It’s nothing like Daxton
- I don’t think anyone will ever be able to compare, but it is comfort. I tried calling Faith, but Tripp picked up. Abby and Faith had gone out to get ice cream and she forgot her phone at her apartment where Tripp had been staying all week. The two of them tried to keep their relationship on a no-strings-attached type of level, but they were only fooling themselves. The two of them are so good for each other. I want that again.

“What’s going on, Ava?” He asks gently, sitting down on the floor next to me, his legs crossed at the ankles. He has to be the most positively laid back guy I know, even in such a crazy situation.

“She’s not real. I made her up
,” I whisper. He doesn’t know who or what I’m referring to, but I know and tears begin to steadily stream down again.

“I need help, Tripp.” Those words were all he needed to hear. He scooped me up into his arms and takes me to his truck. Happy memories of Daxton and I fill my brain and it helps for a short time. We arrive at the hospital and I am able to walk on my own inside. Tripp follows behind, his hand gripping my shoulder to keep me steady. At least I know that if I fall, someone would be there to catch me. I haven’t felt that way in a long while now. Tripp is the only one that can’t look me in the eye while talking
about Daxton. His loyalty for his friend goes above and beyond and I can appreciate that. I know that he is torn; he’s been friends with Daxton for many years and they are family now. Faith hasn’t come out and made him choose and I’m thankful for that at least. Tripp wouldn’t choose my friendship and I wouldn’t want him to. Daxton needs some real people in his life. Faith, on the other hand, wants to tear Daxton limb from limb and beat Krissi in the head with them.

Tripp walks in with me, but I refuse
let him go any farther than the front desk. I need to do this on my own.

“Please give Abby a hug for me and tell Faith, I’m sorry.” My voice quivers and I struggle to get control over it
, failing no matter how hard I try. I know that Faith will take care of Abby until I can get the help I need. I should have dealt with this forever ago, before it ate me from the inside out. Regardless of shoulda, coulda, woulda’s…now was the time. Tripp gives me an awkward one shoulder hug. I feel sorry for the guy, he truly looks like he is betraying everything he stands for by leaving me there. I can’t help him to understand why I need to do this; I can’t even fully understand exactly why I need to do this, I just know I do.

“Don’t worry about Abby. She’s safe with Faith. We will have a blast and give her tons of love and support. I know that I haven’t been super there for you and I am sorry for that. It has been hard to try and juggle both positions when I know that neither party is at fault for all the fucked up shit that keeps happening. I really hope that you’ll give Faith a call and let her know what’s going on when you get situated though
- for my sake and for yours. That woman will be on my ass about everything as soon as I walk in the door and she’s a baby pit-bull, that one.” Tripp laughs and gives me a heartwarming smile, making me feel better about the entire situation.

“
I’ll call her as soon as I can. And Tripp?” I question.

“Yeah?” he asks back.

“Thank you.” He nods his head and hurries out the door without looking back, almost as if he needs to leave before he changes his mind. He is a man of few words, but his heart of gold, that he thinks he keeps hidden from the world, always seems to shine bright in my eyes.

Tripp
, same day.

I don’t have the heart to tell her that I was only at Faith’s house to collect my things while Abby and
she were out. Faith knew it was over between us. Things were just getting too strenuous. I felt like a middle man. I needed to have my best friend’s back. As much as I love Faith, I can’t choose between the two. Daxton has been there for me as long as I can remember and I’ll always choose him. Bro’s before hoes and all that. Not that he’s even asked me to choose. He doesn’t have a fucking clue what’s going on still. Just like everyone else, I’m too selfish to tell him. I don’t want a spiral to be on my conscious.

When
I gave Ava a hug goodbye, I realized then and there, that I’ve never felt guiltier in my entire life. I will pass on the message to Faith, I would never lie about that. But I just didn’t have the heart to make her upset about our split when she had so much other stuff to worry about. I don’t know what compelled me to answer Faith’s phone. I think I picked it up out of habit. Sometimes I did that, just to feed my curiosity. Faith had lots of dudes after her. Mama didn’t raise no fool. I was all the time acting as if it never bothered me. But let’s be honest, it did and still does. I hate losing her. I really do. But what else can I do? Lead a double life? Go back and forth and never have Daxton and Faith interact. That’s not the way I want to do things. My girl has to be around my best friend, plain and simple. And I’m not sure if Faith would ever be able to as long as Krissi and Daxton were together. Hell, I could barely stomach the two of them together. I get that Faith has an alliance to Ava, I really do. But it’s not Daxton’s fault he can’t remember shit. Faith makes it seem at times that he is willingly choosing Krissi over Ava. That’s definitely not the case. It’s just unfortunate and shitty circumstances that led us all here. At this fucking dead end.

I
was so close to calling Daxton when I returned back to Faith’s place to collect the rest of my things. I felt like a dickhead for just leaving Ava to rot in a hospital. Damn, I fucking hate hospitals. But that’s where she wanted to be. I hope that everything comes out in the wash and she gets the help she needs. I cannot even believe that her Mother had never really came back. That it was all something Ava’s mind created. I still am not sure if I even believe that. Maybe Ava just wants to believe that?

All I know is, I’ve got to stop caring. I need to just worry about my buddy and how his life is. If the time ever comes when Daxton’s memory returns, and God damn I fucking hope that happens, then and only then will I make amends for the shit I said to Faith and to Ava. Faith won’t forgive me. I know that. I’m by no means a stupid man. She’s beautiful, she’s perfect to me. She’ll find someone. I give it a week tops. I’m just sorry that it’s not me. I just…can’t.

I leave a note for Faith and tell her everything that happened. I write I love you at the end and instantly regret doing it. I can’t keep leading her on. I do my best to scribble it out.

“Mother Fucker…” I yell at myself. I just wish things didn’t have to be this way.

I leave the note and my keys on the table. This is probably the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever done. But it’s necessary. Its right, I know it is. At least I hope it is.  I load my bags into my truck and head back to my apartment. Daxton has been staying over there anyway. At least I won’t have to be alone. It’s good to have my partner in crime back. Daxton is the only male family I have. All girls in my family and my Dad ran out on my Mom before I was born. Seems to be a living trend around these parts.

All I know is, what’s meant to be will be. I’m going to put my full faith into that. Oh, Faith. It’s going to be a long road ahead of me if every fucking thing I think reminds me of her. I’m pussy-whipped, it’s official. Time to go drown my sorrows in some beer.

***

Avalynn-Time elapses

Time goes by quickly. It would do me little good to go on about every session, but I am seeking a therapist now. I have been released from the hospital, but I go to outpatient two times a week. During that time, Faith watches Abby. It seems like more often than not, she has been taking care of her. I will admit I am getting better every day. I have finally gotten down to the root of my issues. I enjoy working with Dr. Robinson, she understands me more than I understand myself. She insists that I call her Kelly and we have become easy friends. She is one of the most easy-going people I’ve ever met - it makes things a lot more comfortable when we get into the more traumatic sessions.

According to
my self-discovery thus far, with the help of Kelly, I’ve determined that my mother was a product of the stress and change in my life. She was just a mirage of what I’ve wanted to be true since the incident occurred. I had never sought any kind of help after everything happened, instead jumping immediately into handling my business and getting custody of Abby. My mental health was at serious risk, but I was moving so fast that it couldn’t catch up. Things slowed down, which led to my untimely break down. I saw my mom, a figment of my imagination. She was never really there - my mind created her image, her back story. I wanted to believe that she was a hero after all. That she was strong and saved us all but unfortunately, that was never the case.

Her body had finally been found, buried deep in the woods behind our old house. A couple of weeks into therapy, a police officer brought me the news. The case had finally been solved
: my father murdered my mother then off’ed himself - just the way I originally thought.

One would think that the stress in my life couldn’t have possibly caused a break down seeing that it was all good, happy
, and normal stress; the stress of a new fiancé’, wedding plans, and finally becoming the strong woman that I envisioned. But it was the slowdown, the temporarily lapse in fighting, the moment that I was finally able to get comfortable that broke me down. The therapist continues to reassure me that all it will take is time. I need to be patient in my recovery. It’s hard to do considering that I’ve lost everything that’s lead me to this moment. With the exception of Abby, I have very little to look forward to from an outsider’s perspective. But, I am finally beginning to see things in a whole new light. I have my entire life ahead of me to look forward to.

A life that my
mother never got to have; her life being cut too short at the hands of someone that she had loved.

I wanted so badly to believe that she was back into my life for the better
, that she fought the monster and won, but life can never be so easy. This I am slowly, but surely, learning. The fight is well worth it. I am becoming a better person, a better friend, mother, and woman. I am putting the tragedy of my life behind me. I refuse to let my past hold me hostage. I put my mother to rest, finally - I visit her often after sessions and talk to her. Not the depiction I’d created in my mind, but the real her that I remember fondly. The real ‘her’ was not so bad, she was caught in the grasp of love and it refused to let her go. Just like Daxton’s refusal to let me go when I fought to let him in, kicking and screaming. There is a difference, though. Daxton is no monster, but then, my father wasn’t always one. Things change.

I’ve come to terms through my sessions that Daxton may never come back and I will eventually have to move on. I know, in the pit of my soul, that I’ll never fully move on from him. Anyone in comparison is a
let-down and it wouldn’t be fair for me to put anyone into that position. My main priority is to get better, healthier in mind and body. It’s been a task from the start, but I’m doing well in my own right. I am proud of myself for the first time.

I will get through this. It’d be nice to have Daxton by my side
but he’s not here and I have to deal with it. I’ve heard that he’s still seeing Krissi - they even live together. The thought, it kills me; it takes everything in me not to run to him and tell him everything, but I can’t. I love him enough to let him go. If he’s happy, then I am happy for him. I’ll be happy again someday. I can feel it on the horizon. The worst is almost over.