Holding On (48 page)

“
I didn’t want you to get
me anything for my birthday, Shame. I have everything I want,
really I do. This has been the best birthday I’ve ever had and I
mean that.” I’m laying down next to him and I have my hand propped
on my elbow so I can study him. In all these years of knowing and
loving Shame, never once have I tired of looking at him. His eyes
are dancing right now though. He’s excited about
something.

He bounds from the bed and it dips
before he exits completely. He leaves me with a good view though, I
stare at his ass in awe as he makes his way to his bag. He pulls
out two gift wrapped presents. Every birthday since I can remember,
Shame has always giving me something personal. He calls them
‘memory anchors’, I never understood the term until I was older and
in college, missing home.

Last year, even though I was with
Greyson he had given me a locket with a picture of me and him.
Greyson complained every time I put it on so I just left it in its
box in my jewelry case, taking it out only to look at it whenever I
felt lost and needed to remember better times. In that picture, he
had to have been about 20 I think, he was wearing his cut from the
Club, a pair of beat up black jeans, and his black motorcycle
boots. I was standing in our treehouse that he and Shame had built
for Sadey and me. His hands were extended up at the time because he
was trying to get me to jump, telling me ‘Jump Sweetheart, I will
catch you. Don’t be afraid, now jump Mace.’ I’m afraid he will
never really understand how precise those words related to our
relationship all of my life.

“
These are for you. We’ve
never been…together… like this before so I was kind of nervous to
choose just one, so I got both.” It’s fairly dark in here right now
but I can see his serious expression in the moonlight casting in
from the window.

He walks around to my side of the bed,
turning on the bed side lamp then hands me the wrapped gifts. I
tilt my head to the side as I examine the wrapping, hiding a smile.
He’s in such a good mood that I can’t help but rib him a
bit.

“
Did you wrap these
yourself, superhero?” I’m staring at the yards of scotch tape he
used on one of the gifts, okay that’s fine. Then I look to the
bigger gift and it looks like he just said the hell with it and
went straight for the thick long carpenter tape. I can’t hide a
smile.

“
If you don’t shut up and
open them Princess, I’m taking them away. If you must know then
yes, I did wrap them. Fuckin paper wouldn’t stick, it does now
though doesn’t it?”

“
Um, I’m going to need
some help.” I’m still grinning because seriously I don’t think I
could get this open without a knife.

“
Oh fucks sake woman, tear
the front. Jesus I thought women were good at presents, leave it to
me to find one that wants to argue even this!” He runs his hands
through his hair. My man is nervous for me to open.

“
Okay, don’t cry. I’m
going to open the big one first.” I start to tear it in the front
and I can feel his eyes on me, reading my expressions as he rests
his forearms on the bed and his knees on the floor beside me. I get
the wrapping off and look at it and then I lose my
breath.

Shame has framed a picture of the four
of us at the lake when we were young. I remember that summer
because Sadey came back from France after vacationing with her
parents and she was covered in freckles. Her light auburn hair had
nearly turned red while she was gone. It was the summer before our
sixth grade year, we were about 12. Shame and Hem were standing
behind us, the lake was our background.

Shame was behind Sadey and both his
hands were on her shoulders. She was looking at me and laughing, I
was looking at the camera. Hem was standing behind me but he had
his head bent and leaning into my shoulder. He was grinning and my
smile was so wide that my eyes were nearly closed. I was sun burnt
from being out all day in the heat and water.

Suddenly I remember who took the
picture. Mom had been yelling at all of us to get out of the water,
even the grown boys. She used to tell us that our skin would melt
if we didn’t add lotion every hour. She finally had yelled at Hem
and Shame long enough that they had come storming in the water
grabbing Sadey and I and pulling us out.

In remembrance of my mom and this
memory, I start to get emotional. I can’t take my eyes of the
photo. I wish Mom had been in the picture with us.

The picture is outlined in a white
border and along the edges they have all signed it. Sadey making
some smartass comment about her hair. Hem telling me he loved that
day because we were all together. Shame just wrote what I would
only expect Shame to write ‘I love your face, baby.’

I put the picture down in front of me
and as I turn around I climb into him. He’s holding me tight, he
can’t see my face. I start to sob a bit, losing control of
emotions. This soft man loves me, fiercely. It is all I’ve ever
wanted and I’m so glad we are here.

He uses a gentle whisper and says into
my ear, “Baby, it wasn’t meant to make you sad. Do you like
it?”

I pull myself from him so we are now
eye to eye. “Shame you love me and I couldn’t ask for anything more
than that. Thank you, I love it.” I kiss him briefly and get
situated again on the bed, legs crossed and pull for the other
gift.

“
No more tears, okay?
These aren’t meant to make you upset.”

“
I’m not upset, I’m not.”
I shake my head back and forth so he sees I’m alright, “Just
missing Mom, that’s all.”

I start to open the box, I already
know it is some type of jewelry. I’m a woman, we just know by the
shape of the box and its weight alone. I pull the box free from
paper and open it, removing the cotton and inside sits a silver
bracelet, the only charm is a small treehouse. Pulling out I move
it around my wrist and give it to Shame so he can clasp it shut for
me.

“
Shame, I don’t deser….”
Cutoff.

“
Shut up. Never say that
me again, ever. I love you and I’m the one in this that isn’t
worthy, Mace. I’ve done things in my life, most of it filled with
some form of regret. You give me your good, and it makes me good.
There isn’t anything you don’t deserve.” He leans in grabs my head,
pulling it to him and kissing my cheek, lingering there for a few
seconds. I’m still sitting on the bed cross legged and now leaving
towards him. I’m looking at my wrist, twisting the treehouse and
thinking how it is that I’m still not sure.

“
Shame, are you sure I’m
enough?” I say this weakly, I heard myself and now I sound
childlike but hearing him sigh I know I’ve probably pissed him off.
“Things are too good. Everywhere, things are right and I’ve never
had that. I’ve never felt the peace I feel and I am scared to just
not wait for this to blow up and then be gone. Like this is the
calm before the storm and soon our time is up, and it is just
over.”

“
Mace, look at me.” I
can’t though. I’m in study with the charm, flipping it front to
back in repeat motion. “Mace, fucking look at me.” He’s getting
angry and tears are coming down my face. My insecurities are going
to ruin this if I let them.

Finally I turn to look up at him, his
body is intense and stiff but when my eyes reach his I find only
gentle and soft. His eyes are brimmed and he is refusing to blink.
I lunge for him again and wrap my arms around his neck and just
whisper again and again that I love him.

“
Mace you don’t remember
what I came from, you were so damn young. You don’t know what is
was like for me as a kid, my parents weren’t nice or even decent
people. I was something for them to hurt and use, they were evil. I
was a kid and that was the only love I knew so I never expected
anything more. Until I met Hem and I had to learn from
him
how to love people
and what was even harder, to trust them. The years I spent in your
house, it was what brought life into me. No way can you ever
understand how I felt those years at home before knowing your
family. If I spend my life loving you it still would never come
close to repayment, Mace. You’re more than enough because you are
everything. Do you understand? You’re not even just enough.
You.Are.Everything.”

I stop sobbing long enough to point
humor at what he’s done in making me an emotional mess. “When we
have kids, you gonna make them cry on their birthday too? If you
are, can we make sure to invite Sadey so they can watch her kick
your ass?”

He smiles wide understanding the
conversation is over. He’s upset and I’m not going to witness him
relive those childhood scars, not now. Another time perhaps, when
he is willing to really share with me then I will listen. I know he
loves me and that I’m his everything but I’m unsure he trusts me
enough to look at him the same once the stories are told, in
detail.

“
Baby, my boys won’t cry
and we aren’t having any damn girls. Fuckin girls will kill me and
it won’t be quick. Jesus, they turn out like you then I may as well
drown myself. Nope. Its boy’s baby, we are going to have
all
boys.”

“
All? Shame, how many boys
you think we are going to have? I’m not a big fan of having a
litter. I know at times you act like a mountain man living in the
wild but I’m drawing the line at one
maybe
two.” Shit, all boys? Hell no.
It would be out of control, utter chaos.

He sighs, heavy, “My woman, my old
lady, we will have at the very least three. You can’t just have
one, and if you have two you may as well have three.” Holy shit.
Looking at him I realize now that he is dead friggin
serious.

“
They aren’t puppies,
Shame. Can you remember one thing before you go and try to keep me
all fluffy, fat, and reproducing?” I know I shouldn’t even go here
but after how serious my insecurities made things tonight, I feel
it is my duty now to break this tension… my bait like reflexes are
back – just for this cause.

“
This shit should be good,
what? What do you need me to remember before I start to fill you
with little versions of me?” Oh god, and that’s what they would be!
I pause to collect myself from a mild and miniature panic
attack.

Before I start this though, I make
myself comfortable on the bed. I uncross my legs because once I say
it, he won’t care if I need time to unfold. Suddenly as though he’s
thinking about what I’m going to say he rears his head back and
braces his hands on the bed, palms down. I swear if this man is
already onto me and knows I’m about to torment him and that means
all my cards are played and I’m screwed!

“
Well, I was just going to
ask you to remember one thing about all these babies you think we
are going to be having. Simple really honey, it’s all about the
math. If you’re considering and actually set on having three
children, well boys…”

“
Mace.” Low growl, not too
heavy.

“
And here you are my man,
already 34...”

“
Shut up, Mace.” Clipped
and short now.

“
And I have to carry them
for nine months each.”

“
Shut your mouth woman,
that’s a warning, you’re only gettin’ one.” He’s tense now, his
jaws his ticking as he grinds his teeth.

“
Then recovery time
between these baby boys, and including you being even more tired
helping me around the house and you are still aging as this time
goes by.”

“
Wench you’re about to
pis…” I cut him off, bringing my hand to his mouth and my eyes to
his.

“
Honey, are you even going
to be able to….”

AND it’s
done
, I’m on my back just as I knew I
would be. He has me pinned immediately and as far as he knows he
will win this by delivering me my ‘punishment’, but I accomplished
what I knew I would. He is not thinking of childhood anymore or my
tears or my insecurities. He’s thinking he’s going to teach me a
lesson and oh hell if I’m not looking forward to the education. My
man is hot.

Chapter
Nineteen
:

“
Later he had seen the things that he could
never think of and later still he had seen much worse.”

--Ernest Hemingway  

It’s been a month since my birthday,
everything is perfect. Sadey and Hem are happily married with baby
on the way in just 5 months. Shame and I are doing great as well.
Everything with the Club is progressing for Hem and this has Shame
and he both relaxed. I’m still working at the library. Shame has it
in his head that he wants me to take more time and spend working at
the Club. I don’t mind working there to help out or fill in, but
it’s not my life. I refuse to make it my life like Sadey does. Hem,
as I thought, won’t allow his little woman to work anywhere but
near him. Although she is happy there I am concerned that she’s
allowing Hem to just consume her completely. She’s well into her
second trimester now so she’s starting to tire. Apparently my
friend has a metabolism that never stops because she is all baby
bump. In her dramatic fashion, she’s already putting herself in
maternity clothes. God, she’s cute too.

She and Hem have decided that until
the house is finished she’s staying with me. Shame and I have spent
more time at the Club because of this. Pregnancy has made her even
more sexually hungry and Hem being Hem thinks that her carrying his
baby makes her downright irresistible.