Holding His Forever (2 page)

“
Y
ou’re benching me
?” I shout as Captain Thomas walks away from me.

I’ve got my feet in my boots and look around as all the guys around me move in a blur of red and yellow. I jump out of my turnout gear, knowing that I won’t be able to catch up with them now. If you can’t do it in under forty seconds, your ass is off the truck.

“Captain!” I shout over the sirens of the truck as the guys load up and take off.

He’s almost to his office when he turns to face me. He’s an older guy, bald on top with gray patches on either side. He’s still pretty damn fit though, and I’m willing to bet he could still hold his own on that truck. But he’s already put in his years of services and sits behind a desk now.

“What?” he says, looking into my eyes. He’s also one of the only guys as tall as me, at nearly six-three. “I said you’re off the truck.”

“Why?” I’m ten shades of pissed off, but deep down I know exactly why.

“You’ve skipped your last two meetings with the psychiatrist. You’ve been sleeping upstairs every night for four months, and to be honest, you look like total shit. You need some time off, Phoenix. I thought letting you work through it was going to get it done, but nothing has changed. I’m this close,” he takes a step towards me and holds his fingers a hair’s width apart right in front of my eyes, “to putting you on mandatory leave. Don’t give me a reason. Take the night off, go home, and get your shit together. You’ll meet with Doctor Birch in the morning, and if he gives you the all clear, then I might think about putting you back on my truck. But I swear to God, if he so much as hesitates when giving me the report, I’ll have your ass out of here for a month. You got me?”

“Yes, sir.”

It’s the only thing I can say. I have no ground to stand on. He’s right, and I know it, but I just haven’t been willing to accept it. I’ve let this all fall on my shoulders, and I haven’t been dealing with it since it happened.

Letting out a sigh, I watch as Captain Thomas goes into his office and slams the door. I know he’s not happy about having to do this to me. I’m his first lieutenant, and his next in command. He needs me with my head on, and I’m not doing all I should be for the remaining men here. What kind of example am I setting if this is how I go on living?

I go upstairs, grab my shit, and head home.

* * *

W
hen I get
to my apartment, I walk in and see it’s exactly how I left it four months ago. I can tell by the stack of mail and how clean it is that my dad’s been coming by and taking care of things for me. Feeling the guilt stir in the pit of my stomach, I call him.

“Hey, sunshine. You doing okay?”

“Yeah, Dad. Thanks for taking care of the place.”

“No problem. I put on clean sheets just yesterday. Figured you might be headed home soon.”

I can’t help but laugh darkly. He’s best friends with Captain Thomas, so I’m sure they’ve had a good bit to talk about when it comes to how I’m doing.

“Love you, Dad.”

“Love you too, my boy.”

I toss my phone on the counter and go to the shower, stripping down and letting the hot water scald me. I feel bone tired, but anxious at the same time. I want to sleep, but I don’t want the nightmares to take hold. After I’m finished, I go to my backpack and grab the bottle the shrink prescribed for me after the accident. He said I needed to go home, get some rest, and take these when I wasn’t on call. I hadn’t felt safe taking them in the firehouse, but this may be the only way I get some sleep tonight.

Popping one of them, I go to my bedroom and fall face first on the mattress.

I close my eyes, feeling the exhaustion taking me, but before I slip under I mumble, “I miss you, Mom.”

“
I
’m reluctantly putting
you back on the truck. But I’ve got my eyes on you, Phoenix. Dr. Birch said you’re making progress and that he’s comfortable with putting you back on full time.”

My meeting with the shrink went okay. I don’t like to sit down and talk about my feelings, but I’ve only ever wanted to do one job, and that’s being a firefighter. I’ll do anything to get back to that, including talking to a stranger about my grief. I’m still not one-hundred-percent inside, but I’ve got to have this, because otherwise, I’m nothing.

“Thank you, sir,” I say, trying not to push him too far. I want to stay on Captain’s good side, and the best way to do that is to shut my mouth.

“I’m giving Graham the night off, so you’re up. You think you can handle that?”

I nod, and he waves a hand at me, telling me to get out of his office.

When I get upstairs I talk to a few of the guys and read over Graham's report from the night before. I go over some new training steps with them, and we do a gear check. It takes the better part of the day and into the night to review it all. Then we get to work on pulling hoses and checking the trucks. There is always work to be done in a firehouse, and it’s exactly what I need. The distraction keeps my brain from going to dark places, and the routine makes me feel like I’m getting back to the old me.

“What about you, Phoenix?”

I look up at Gordon, one of the young guys. “Huh?”

“I said, you up for drinks on Friday? We’re going out after shift change to find some pussy. You in?”

I laugh and shake my head, going back to checking the rear engine.

“Come on, man. How long has it been since you got laid? You never talk about getting any.”

He and a few of the guys laugh, and I just keep working while I answer him.

“Two things, Gordon. First, a man doesn’t need to tell his friends that it happened to prove that it happened. And second, if a woman is willing to take her clothes off and let you fuck her, you’d do well to treat that with some respect. Because that woman is probably a saint.”

I look over at him and see his cheeks turn a little pink as the other guys give him shit. It’s been a long time since I had a woman, but that’s not anyone’s business. I think about holding a woman in my arms and making love, but it’s always followed by the “what ifs.” If I had someone, then I’d have something to lose, and with my job, so would they. If I was in love and had a family, what would happen if one day I didn’t come home? The pain of those thoughts is enough to have me pulling back from any woman who’s tried to do more than say hello to me. I know it’s a part of the job, and it’s a fear we all have. But at least this is one thing I can control.

W
hen the alarm sounds
, I’m in motion. I’ve been doing this so long I don’t even have to think. My body just goes. Everyone’s hauling ass out of bed, doing the same routine we’ve done hundreds of times. It’s just ingrained deep into us. Not until I’m on the back of the truck do I really start using my head, thinking about what we might be going into. The adrenalin pumps through me, racing through my body. It’s the only thing I seem to feel anymore. Almost like a small high that brings me to life for just a moment in time. A rush of something that isn’t laced with grief and death. That is, until I stop moving and remember where I’m heading. That lives depend on me. Not just the ones I’m racing to, but the ones following me into fire.

We haven’t had a call all day or night, and we already know this one is a live fire. This isn’t just a response, someone having smacked their car into someone else, or even someone having a heart attack. We are always first on scene, but this time we know. We’re going into danger. I smell the smoke before I see the fire lighting up the sky as we take the sharp turn around the corner.

“I smell gas,” I say into my headset. Arson. “Eyes open.” I scan the street as the fire truck comes to a stop in front of the old Laundromat that sits on the corner, only one other building connecting to it. I check if anything looks out of place, but the street is already starting to fill with people wanting to know what’s going on.

“We got rentals,” I bark into my mic, taking in the windows above the Laundromat as I drop from the truck. “Gordon and Nick, take the connecting building to the right.” I scan the windows of the Laundromat, thankful that it’s closed. “Rich, see if you can check the ground floor. It looks closed,” I order as I head for the door that leads to the rentals above.

“I’m guessing two apartments, Phoenix,” Mitch says into my ear.

“I’ll take the second door. You take the first,” I say in agreement as he follows me to the door leading up to the apartments upstairs. We don’t hesitate, knowing the ground door will be locked. We both kick in unison, and the door easily gives way as I follow the shattered wood in and up the stairs with Mitch hot on my ass. The smoke hits us hard. When I reach the top floor, I head for the second door. I hear Mitch bust into the first room. I look up and see a woman stumbling out of the apartment I was just about to enter.

Her blonde hair falls all around her, looking like a halo. The smoke eats up my vision of her, and for just a moment I think she’s an angel. The light on my helmet hits her face, and it’s as if her ice-blue eyes look right through me. It’s like a punch to my system, knocking the air out of my lungs, making me think I’ve finally lost it.

Then she’s falling.

I dive to catch her, making sure my body hits the hard floor and not hers. Turning quickly, I have us both back on my feet, with her cradled in my arms.

“There anyone else in there with you?” I yell as loud as I can through the mask. Her eyes flutter open, and her mouth barely moves, but I easily read the “no.”

The echoes of the word “clear” sound in my headset, letting me know the building has been searched. I carry the woman in my arms as I head down the stairs, and Mitch follows me.

“Got one. We’ll need an ambulance,” I bark out.

“One’s here,” someone shouts back, and I see it when I hit the bottom of the stairs. I keep running towards it, reluctant to hand her over to the EMT, who has his arms open for her. I don’t want to hand her over, but I do. Once she’s out of my arms, I rip off my mask and turn to Mitch.

“Fire’s out,” he informs me.

“Run a second search.” I turn back and look down at the blonde angel, whose eyes are wide open now. She’s staring right at me while the EMT tries to put a mask on her, but she keeps trying to push it away. Clear confusion is all over her face. She looks lost and confused, a feeling I know all too well.

I strip off my coat and part of my gear, dropping it between the ambulance and the fire truck. Her hand reaches out to me, like she thinks I’m leaving. I’m not sure I could, even if Mitch tried to pull me away. Something about her. She needs me. I tell myself that’s what’s happening, but a voice deeper inside me tells me that’s a lie. I need her.

“Ma’am, you need to put the mask on,” I hear the EMT tell her, but she keeps trying to push it away with her other hand, the other one still reaching for me. “I’m going with her,” I throw over my shoulder to Mitch.

“Sir,” he says. I turn and cut him off with a look.

“Take my shit.” I drop a few more things down onto my coat. I’m going. The building is clear, and the fire is out.

He just nods and does as he’s told. “You got this,” I tell him, because he does. He nods again and heads back to the truck. I turn and grab her hand.

“Put the mask on,” I say, leaning down next to her. Even through the smoke smell, I get the hint of peaches coming from her. Her skin looks as soft, and I can’t stop from moving my thumb on the hand that is holding hers. It’s as if I have to feel her to confirm what I was thinking.

Her full lips open just a little. “Don’t leave me,” she whispers before closing her eyes and passing out.

“Never.”