Hold On - Part Three (The Hold On Series Book 3) (4 page)

Detective Alexander Full jolts up suddenly and walks carefully over to the window. My whole body tenses as I watch him. I’m too frightened to ask what he’s doing.

“Someone’s coming,” he says. He waves his hand to me to get back. I don’t hesitate to do exactly what he asks. I scan the room, trying to find the best place to hide. I cower next to the bed trying to stay out of the light. I look toward the back door and wonder if I’ll be able to make a run for it if I have to. I wish now I had unlocked it so I could get out faster in an emergency.

Alex holds a small gun in his hand; he presses his back flat against the wall beside the window, before leaning over to look outside.

The tension in his body relaxes and he drops the gun to his side.

He might be relaxed, but I’m not. My eyes dart between him and the front door wondering who is coming.

Alex walks over to the door and opens it wide. Ethan steps inside and I whimper in response to seeing him. I’m overcome with such emotion that I feel like I’m going to cry.

Ethan scans the room looking for me. The corner I’m in is dark but he sees me and walks in my direction.

“Sarah, oh god, Sarah.”

He lifts me up and wraps his strong arms around my body.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I said those things.” He kisses my face and runs his hands over my hair and down my back.

I pull away. I’m not ready to let him back in so quickly. I want to, but I can’t. “You hurt me.” My voice is shaky. I’m still unsure of so many things and everything feels like it’s hurtling at me at once.

He lowers his gaze and I watch his shoulders slump as he sits down on the bed. He buries his face in his hands. “I know.” When he looks back up at me there is a hard resolve on his face. “I hated myself, but it was the only way I could protect you.”

I can’t let him get away with this apology so easily. “Why? Why couldn’t you tell me what was really going on?”

Alex walks over to us. “I’m going up to the road to keep watch. Once you are done here, we’ll track her position and go from there.”

Ethan nods. “Thanks Alex. For everything.”

Alex slaps Ethan on his back in a friendly gesture and leaves us alone. As soon as he walks outside, I sit down next to Ethan waiting to hear the answers about why he was so cruel. I need to hear something that makes sense.

“I found out about her the night I disappeared.”

I think back to the night he was gone. I never knew where he was and what he was doing. “You went to find the man who killed Winona?”

“No,” he says with clenched teeth. “I didn’t.”

“Where did you go?”

“I went to the police.”

I don’t expect him to say that. After everything that he and Lili said about not wanting to get the law involved, it surprises me that he did it anyway. “You were at the police station all night?”

“Yep.” He lifts his hand and runs it through his hair. “I knew something was off with Lili’s story but I wasn’t sure what it was. I wasn’t going to put you, to put us, in danger. I needed to find out what she was up to.”

“Us?” My bottom lip trembles. He still considers that there is an us.

“Of course. You and me. I told you I would fix this.”

He did. He asked me to trust him and for the most part I did. But then he told me he didn’t love me. I don’t have the words to ask him which one is truth and which one isn’t. I’m still unsure.

“That’s the night they put me in touch with Detective Full.”

“Alex,” I say.

Ethan nods. “He’s been trying to catch her for years.”

“He said he’s been tracking her for five months.”

He runs his tongue over his bottom lip. “Yep, things heated up after Winona died. Before that Lili was just a folder file. Now it’s more serious.”

“Winona? After the bad man killed her? The one you are supposed to be robbing right now?” I’m trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together before he tells me but I can’t make the leaps yet.

He laughs a slow hollow laugh. “Yep, that guy.”

“Why isn’t Alex arresting him instead?”

A wry smile curls on Ethan’s lips and he reaches over and holds my hand. His strong fingers interweave with mine. “That guy was Winona’s husband.” He brushes his fingers over the back of my skin. “He didn’t kill Winona, he loved her.”

I’m starting to see the bigger picture, but I need to say it aloud to make sure it makes sense. “So, if that guy didn’t kill Winona, and someone else did, you’re saying that Lili killed Winona.” I gulp, trying to moisten my fast drying throat. “You’re saying that Lili killed Winona,” I repeat.

He breathes a long slow breath. “Yep, that’s what I’m saying.”

“Oh my god!” I can feel the panic bubbling up inside me. “Oh my god, oh my god.”

“She knew the cops were on her tail, so she needed someone to throw the scent off.”

It’s too much to take in. I feel like I’m watching a movie where everything is happening to the actors on screen, rather than to me. It’s both surreal and frightening.

“That’s why she made up that story about wanting me to steal ten grand. If I was caught at the place then I’d become the prime suspect. She’d get away with it.” He shakes his head.

“But why would she want to kill Winona? I thought they were friends?”

“She never got over the fact that I chose Winona over her, even after Winona and I were no longer together. She’s good at holding grudges for a long time.”

“You left me alone with her. You let me stay in my apartment with her all night. She could have hurt me.” The realization that I was in more danger that I thought, begins to overwhelm me. If what he is saying is true, and Lili killed Winona, then she could easily do the same to me.

“Yes,” he says quietly. The words sound choked. “If I had have known then, I would never have put you in that position. I won’t make that mistake again, that’s why I wanted you out of the apartment and far away from her. I wasn’t sure you would come here, not after what I said.”

“I couldn’t stay away. I had to know.”

He lifts his hand and glides it down my cheek. “Know what?”

“I had to know if you really did use me. I had to know if you ever loved me at all and it was all about the sex.”

He sighs and drops my hand. “It was never about just sex. I don’t fuck people I don’t like.”

“I fell in love with you. You knew I was vulnerable.”

He swallows. “I know. But it was never about the sex.” He shifts on the bed and turns and faces me. “The sex was amazing, it was better than anyone else I’ve ever been with. But that’s because of how I felt about you. I told you that I can’t form a connection with just anyone. You were never just anyone to me.”

I grab a handful of sheet in one hand and twist it around my fingers. “Back at the apartment, you said you didn’t love me.” It’s not a question, although I want it to be one. I leave the words hanging in the air, wanting him desperately to tell me that he does.

“Nothing I said back there was true. I had to say that so Lili didn’t think you were a threat. If she thought I loved you like I loved Winona, then I have no idea what she’d do to you. I needed her to believe that you meant nothing to me. I would never put you in danger.”

I sigh. “You put me in danger the moment you stepped through my door.”

I’m coming to the conclusion that Ethan isn’t capable of giving me the type of love that I want from him. Every word that comes out of his mouth is full of excuses and explanations, and while it
sounds
right, it doesn’t
feel
right.

Once I thought that just being with him would be enough. I know now that it’s not. I can’t have half of somebody; I have to have them love me completely.

I think back to when Ethan told me he can’t have sex with someone unless they think about him and only him. He was so sure of himself when he said that. I realize that’s exactly how I feel too, except that I can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love me and only me. I need them to think of me completely.

I really wanted to be the girl who can separate her emotions from a physical relationship but I can’t. I wish I could be more like Lauren and have one night stands but it’s just not me. It’ll never be me. Even if the sex is as amazing as it is with Ethan, it won’t be enough.

“I can’t stay here,” I say. I search for where I left my phone and see it glint on the small table near the bed. “I’m going to call Lauren to pick me up.”

Ethan grabs for my hand. “No, Sarah. Please stay. Wait for me to come back. It’ll be over soon.”

I turn my head sharply to him. “Over? It’ll never be over. She’ll follow you wherever you go. I will never be safe.”

A flash of resentment crosses his face. “If we get a confession then she’ll go away for good. She’ll never get out.” I know he believes that. I wish it were true.

“She won’t confess. The best you’ll get is suspicion. Alex already said he’s been following her for five months. She hasn’t slipped up once, and you think she’s going to now?” I almost laugh it’s so pointless. “I looked her up in the police database, you know.”

He glances up at me with surprise. “You did?”

I nod. “Yes.” I walk over to my phone and pick it up, playing with it in my hand. “I convinced Lauren to break into her office at the newspaper and look Lili up to see if there was anything I could use to get rid of her.”

He raises an eyebrow. “I always knew you were resourceful.”

“But there was nothing. Nothing that would cause a judge to lock her away forever.”

I wonder if I should tell him that we looked him up too. I don’t need to. I can tell by the look on his face that he already knows we did.

He stands up and walks over to the front window and stares outside. “You already knew about my past.”

“I know.”

“So this is it,” he says. “You want to end this between us?” It’s a leap for him to come to that conclusion. It’s usually me that is irrational, not Ethan. Ethan is usually solid as a rock yet it’s like our roles have been switched.

“No,” I say truthfully. “I don’t want it to end. But if you don’t understand what I do want, then maybe it has to be that way.”

I’m unsure where this sudden burst of strength has come from. Strangely, I feel calm and surer of myself than I ever have. I walk over to him. “Can you give me what I want?” I ask.

“No.”

“No.” I repeat as I sigh deeply. He just admitted to me that he can’t give me what I want, so it is over after all.

“I can’t become the Danny substitute. You want the perfect relationship with a picket fence. I can’t give you that.”

“What? The Danny substitute? Are you insane?” I’m suddenly furious that he thinks I want him to be anything like Danny. I can’t hold in my anger. My chest heaves with frustration and I want to run and get out of here. Instead I walk over to the bed and hit the mattress as hard as I can. I continue to pound into the bed until tears threaten to run down my cheeks.

He flinches at my outburst but doesn’t stop me. “I’m not perfect, Sarah. Far from it. I can’t be the perfect boyfriend. All I can be is me.”

“You idiot. You complete idiot. I don’t want Danny. I haven’t wanted Danny in forever. I want you, only you. The way you are now, I don’t want to change you.”

He walks over and grabs my hands and brings them to his chest. He stares at me with a strange dark intensity. “Sarah, if I tell you I love you, are you going to believe me?”

“Yes. If you tell me right now, I’ll believe you.”

The tiny moment between us lasts forever as I wait for him to say the words. Just when I don’t think he’s going to, his lips part. A small bead of saliva links his top lip to his bottom. “I fucking love you, Sarah.”

I wanted Ethan to love me.

Now that he does, I’m pulling away.

His lips are soft as they touch mine. The gentleness of his kiss takes away my breath; I’m not used to it. He’s usually so urgent and primal, now he’s touching me with care and tenderness and I don’t know how to respond. It’s all come too late, the complications of the situation making everything swirl in my head like a murky puddle of darkness.

“What’s wrong?” he asks. “Isn’t this what you want?”

The moon is lighting up his face and I chew on the corner of my lip as I stare up at him above me. “I love you Ethan, and I want you to love me, but the words aren’t enough anymore. All I hear is words, but I need something more.”

“More than me wanting you?”

“Yes, more than that.”

He rolls off me and sits up on the bed. “Jesus Christ, Sarah. What do you want me to do? Get a fucking plane to skywrite my feelings? When will it be enough?”

He’s angry. I know he is, but so am I. “It will be enough when I feel it’s enough. Right now everything is so messed up; I don’t know what’s real anymore.” It’s not fair that he’s treating me this way.

Ethan moves closer to me and presses his forehead against mine. I watch his chest rise and fall as he struggles to control himself. “I’m sorry. I’ve fucked this all up. I’m not good at this relationship shit. It’s why things didn’t work out with Winona; she needed more from me than I was able to give.”

“I know,” I whisper. It’s the reason I’m slipping away too.

Alex appears at the door frame. “We have to go.”

Ethan locks eyes with me. The intensity of his stare is binding me to him. “Stay and wait for me. We’ll work this out. I know we can make it, I promise I’ll do whatever it takes.”

I used to think love was enough, now I know it’s only the beginning.

We need more time to grow together. We both got into this too quickly and I fell too fast. The demons from our past relationships still haunt both of us.

“Promise me, Sarah. Just stay here.”

“I’ll stay,” I say it even though I can’t be sure it’s the best choice for me right now.

Ethan is satisfied. He stands up and walks over to Alex before turning back to me one last time. I’m scared for him and I can feel the prickle of gooseflesh on my arm as he shuts the door as he leaves. I listen to their footsteps as they walk away from the building and I remember I’m alone again. The emptiness is not comforting.

I glance down at the floor and notice his brown bag. I move off the bed and walk over to it, zipping open the top. The small black handgun is inside.

I need to let him know that he’s forgotten it. I run over to the front door and throw it open, stepping onto the wooden porch but I can’t see either Ethan or Alex. They’ve gone and I don’t want to yell out for them and break the silence of the still night.

As I walk back inside, I stare at the brown bag wondering what I should do about it. I can’t put it out on the porch, but I don’t want the gun anywhere near me either. I wonder if locking it into one of the cabinet drawers in the kitchen would make me feel better.

That would mean I’d have to go over to it and touch the bag, and I don’t want to do that again. I keep my back to the wall as I maneuver around the room and back to the bed. If I close my eyes and can’t see it, perhaps I can pretend it’s not there.

I reach the bed and lie down on the mattress and shut my eyes tight. It doesn’t take a second before I realize that it’s pointless, I’m never going to be able to relax and sleep while the gun is in the same room as me.

I can’t see any solution where staying here is going to work, yet I promised Ethan I would wait until he got back. I made that promise before I knew I’d be sharing the room with a loaded weapon though.

As I bolt upright on the bed and stare at the bag again I decide I’ll have to leave. I can write a note to Ethan and tell him that I couldn’t stay. I’ll give him Lauren’s address and he can come and get me after all this is over. Is leaving the bag alone in a locked shack in the middle of nowhere, too irresponsible though?

I pick up my phone and tap in Lauren’s phone number. She told me I could call her anytime. This counts as anytime.

“What the hell is happening? I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“I’m fine,” I say, even though I’m not sure I’m the poster child for being fine right at this moment.

“Then what’s going on?”

I take a moment to try and work out where to begin. “Ethan was here, he told me he loved me.”

“So it’s just happy fucking ever after then?”

I smile even though she can’t see me. She always has the ability to make me feel better in any situation. “Not quite. He’s working with the police to catch Lili.”

“Well that’s good,” says Lauren. “I was wondering when he’d get some balls.”

“But that’s not it.” I glance over at the brown bag. “He’s not here right now, but he left his gun here, and I don’t want to be in the same room as it.” She knows my hatred of guns, an opinion that she doesn’t share.

I can almost see her roll her eyes. “Just leave it alone. It’s not going to go off if you don’t go near it.”

I frown. “I know. I just don’t like the idea of being so close to it.” I stare at the bag like I expect at any moment that the gun is going to miraculously jump out of it and point itself at me.

“You want me to come and get you?”

I’m torn between wanting that and wanting to keep the promise I made to Ethan about staying and waiting for him. “I’m not sure.”

I hear footsteps on the porch outside.

“Wait,” I say. “It might be Ethan coming back. I’ll check.” I place the phone down on the table beside the bed and walk over to the window. I can’t see anyone outside on the porch which is strange.

“Ethan?” I call.

There is no answer.

I’m about to go back to the phone when the handle from the back door begins to rattle. Someone is trying to get in.

“Who’s there?” I ask as I back away.

With one mighty thud the door slams inward and I can see the silhouette of a woman standing in the door frame. It takes a moment for the light to adjust so I can see her face clearly, but I already know who it is.

“Well if it isn’t my lucky day,” says Lili. “I find a little mouse to play with.”