Hold Me Close (22 page)

“I wasn’t trying to upset you.”

“But you weren’t very thoughtful either. I’m leaving.”

“Are you okay to drive?”

“I’m fine.” She walked away from him, repeating that all the way to her car. Eli was not the first person to take that attitude with her, and she knew better than to let it get to her like this, but she couldn’t help it. It was easier to not have this conversation with people.

Her hands were still shaking when she got to her car. She started the engine, but just sat while her body calmed and she got her emotions in check.

She should’ve known. At the kiss, she should’ve known. Shane had been right. If the kiss was wrong, it wouldn’t work. She needed to follow her gut. Her brain engaged with too much noise. Her gut would tell her what felt right.

Shane packed his meager belongings into the boxes he never got around to throwing out when he’d moved in. Something to be said for laziness. It seemed silly to pack when he had nowhere to go yet, but he needed something to do. Dwelling on his conversation with Maggie wasn’t doing him a lick of good.

He did some apartment hunting but was too restless to even focus. What he wouldn’t give to have a TV right now. Shit, he’d settle for a couch to sit on. The apartment looked good, though, so Ryan shouldn’t have a problem finding a renter.

The cookie plate Janet gave him sat on his counter, and an idea struck. He could return the plate and maybe get invited in. She probably had a TV he could watch. So it was a little disingenuous, but he was desperate. His only other choice was the bar downstairs or his parents’ house. Or maybe Alyson might be home. He shot Alyson a quick text.

She answered:
Sure come on over.

That was a relief. Going to see Janet would probably give her the wrong idea, and he’d done enough of that for one night. He drove over to his sister’s apartment and, after circling the block, found a spot that would allow him to park without a permit. As he walked down the street to her building, he filled his lungs with fresh air. It was still cold, but the barest hint of spring was there.

He couldn’t wait. The winter had lasted much too long, and he loved summer. He rang Alyson’s bell, and she buzzed him up. She met him at the door with a worried expression.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Then why are you here? You never visit me.”

He took off his coat and hung it on a hook near the door. “I’m bored and I live in an apartment with no furniture and no TV.”

She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. “There’s more.”

He walked past her and patted her shoulder. “Maybe. But it’s nothing I want to talk about. Got any beer?”

She sighed. “In the fridge.”

When he came back to the living room, he took a spot on the recliner she had facing the TV.

“Did you have something special you wanted to watch, or can I pick?”

He slugged back some beer. He could’ve stayed at the bar and gotten drunk without worrying about driving home. All he wanted to do was forget the fiasco with Maggie. “Whatever you want.”

“Excellent. I have
The Bachelor: After the Final Rose
saved on my DVR. I’ve been waiting for this.”

He groaned. Getting drunk at O’Leary’s was looking better by the moment. Alyson curled up on the couch with a huge bowl of popcorn on her lap and glass of pop on the table. Shane moved to sit next to her to steal her popcorn. She absently handed him the bowl as the show opened with scenes of some sap handing out roses.

“You can’t possibly believe any of this is real, right?”

“Shhh.” She waved a hand at him.

He grunted and shoved more popcorn into his mouth. The show wasn’t as boring as he’d thought it would be. Some snippy remarks by one woman nearly led to a cat fight. That would’ve been worth watching. Instead they played a montage meant to show how in love the couple was. As if.

When the forty-three minutes rolled to an end, Shane reached for the remote. “I cannot sit through something like that again.”

Alyson shot him a look. “No sports.”

She sounded like Maggie. Damn. He was here trying to forget Maggie. He flipped through channels, but felt Alyson’s eyes on him. “Stop staring at me.”

“I’m trying to figure out what the deal is. You’re in my apartment when you could’ve gone to Mom and Dad’s. Or Maggie’s. Didn’t Dad tell me you lived next door to each other?”

“She’s not home.”

“Why here?”

“Because you’re my favorite sister.”

“Now I know you’re full of shit.”

He tossed the remote on her lap. “You choose something if it’ll keep you quiet.”

“Oh, now you’ve done it. No Callahan man has ever given up the remote without cause. Do I need to call Cara and Riley? You know you don’t stand a chance when we’re together.”

“Alyson. Shut. Up.”

“Okay, must be girl trouble. If it was work or something equally as boring, you’d never want to keep it from me. I didn’t know you were dating anyone.”

“I’m not.”

She pulled out her phone. “I’m texting Cara. She’ll have ideas.”

Shane snatched her phone and shoved it between the couch cushions.

“So Cara knows but you won’t tell me?”

“This isn’t a joke, Alyson. I came here to forget shit tonight.”

“Well, someone taught you wrong. You don’t forget with a bottle of beer and
The Bachelor
. You need shots for that.” She stood and went to her kitchen. She returned with a bottle of cheap whiskey and shot glasses.

She set the glasses and poured. “To forgetting.” She raised a glass and tossed the whiskey back.

Shane followed suit. After Alyson poured him two more shots, he felt better.

“Now are you gonna tell me?”

“I fucked up.”

She laughed. “You’re a guy. Guys always fuck up. Who with?”

“Maggie.”

“Ah, damn. What’d you do? Try to get in her pants?”

He chuckled. “Didn’t try. Succeeded, and it was her idea.”

“Yay!” She smiled and was about to clap, but then frowned. “That’s not what you want to forget, is it?”

“No. I want to forget shit I said tonight. It’s complicated. I lied to her, but it was for a good reason. I came clean tonight because I wanted to tell her we should give us a shot. Somewhere in the conversation, she twisted everything up and thought I was manipulating her.” He filled his glass again and downed the whiskey.

“Were you?”

“Hell, no. She didn’t believe anything I said.”

“Well, in her defense, you did just admit to being a liar. Why should she believe you?”

He knew he’d had too much to drink when his sister’s logic made sense.

“So where did it go wrong, other than the lying part?”

“I think I blurted out that I wanted us to be a goddamn couple and she was being difficult.”

Alyson reached for the bottle and poured him another shot. “You’re an idiot.”

“I know.” He drank. “Why’d you say that?”

“Because that was no declaration of love. You made a demand and called her names. More or less. Was that supposed to win her over?”

“No. That’s not how it was supposed to go. But she got so mad and she was yelling and accusing me of things and said she wouldn’t feel sorry for me.” He sagged against the couch.

“Why the hell would she feel sorry for you?”

“She shouldn’t, but she thought I wanted her to. ’Cause I feel guilty about her getting raped. And I should feel guilty. It was my job to keep her safe, and I fucked up then too.” His head lolled to the left, and his sister looked a little blurry. “Am I ever gonna get it right?”

“You’re drunk.”

He narrowed his eyes. “You’re not. How’d that happen?”

“A sister never shares her secrets.”

“Not cool.”

“You’ll get it right, Shane. She loves you.”

“But I want it all with her. Not just part of her. And she’s looking to give it all to some other guy.” He pointed at Alyson. “Eli. What kind of lame name is that?”

“Is he cute?”

“Hey! You’re supposed to be on my side.” He grabbed a handful of popcorn. “And I’m better looking anyway.”

“Modesty’s not a problem here.”

“Did I eat dinner?” He thought back through his night. His stomach sloshed the alcohol around. Pizza. He’d eaten pizza with Maggie. It felt like forever ago.

“Are you hungry? I can make you a sandwich. I think I have peanut butter and jelly.”

“I hate peanut butter.”

“You do?”

“You’re my sister. How come you don’t know that? Maggie knows it.”

“Maybe Maggie likes you more than I do. You crashed my party here, remember?”

“Lamest party I’ve ever been to.”

“You’re calling me lame? You’re the one who’s drunk at ten o’clock.”

“Good point.” He smiled at Alyson. He liked his sisters. Not when they were kids. They were just annoying then. But now that they were all grown. They were actual people he could relate to. “Hey, Aly?”

“What?”

“I don’t think I’m driving home tonight.”

“You’re definitely not going anywhere.” She stood and disappeared.

He tried to focus on the bottle to pour another glass, but his perception was off and he couldn’t grab it.

“You’ve had enough,” Alyson said when she came back. She tossed a pillow and blanket at him. “Sleep it off. I’ll wake you up before I go to work in the morning.”

“Thanks, Aly.”

When Shane woke the following morning, he had a horrible case of cottonmouth and a thumping headache. No, that wasn’t a headache, it was awful music. He pushed off the couch and looked across the room. Alyson was dancing in her kitchen to some crap that sounded like someone banging trash can lids.

She smiled sweetly at him and handed him a cup of coffee. “I tried to wake you up nicely, but you were dead. Looks like the music worked.”

He waved a hand at her. “Can you turn it off now?”

She turned the dial on the iPod and smirked as she sipped her coffee. She was already dressed for work in a skirt and blouse. Her hair was pulled back tightly. She looked a little like a librarian.

“Drink fast. I have to leave.”

“Sure. Get me drunk and then rush me out the door in the morning. I hope you don’t treat all your overnight guests like this.”

“You’re my brother, not a guest. If a guy offers me a screaming orgasm, I’d see no need to push him out the door. You just snore loud and take up my whole couch.”

“Thanks for that totally unnecessary imagery.” He gulped the last of his coffee, which was still too hot and burned his throat on the way down.

“Hey, before you leave . . .”

He rinsed his cup and faced Alyson.

“Give Maggie some time to think and calm down. Then go back and tell her how you really feel. Forget about the guilt and the lies and stick with the simple stuff.”

The problem with that was nothing was simple when it came to how he felt about Maggie.

CHAPTER 17

M
aggie couldn’t sleep for shit after her emotionally charged night. Men were stupid. She was beginning to think she’d be better off as a lesbian. Unfortunately, she really liked men. She had to work the lunch shift, but since her energy level was at antsy, she decided to spend her morning taking pictures before work.

Being behind the camera soothed her and took her mind to other places. The temperature was finally warming up, and it was already forty degrees at six in the morning. By the afternoon, it might even hit sixty. Spring was on its way. She pulled on a light jacket and wrapped a scarf around her neck before grabbing her camera bag. By the time she was ready to walk out the door, it was six ten. Being a creature of habit, Shane left every day at six-thirty.

If she moved fast, she wouldn’t have to worry about running into him. She opened her door, and as she locked up, the exterior door behind her opened. She turned to see Shane, wearing yesterday’s clothes.

Well, that hadn’t taken long. He propositioned her to
be a couple
and promptly went out to find someone else. Men.

“Morning, Mags.”

“Whatever.”

“Still pissed.”

“Beyond pissed.”

“Couldn’t be me. I haven’t seen you since the first time I made you mad.”

She pointed up and down his body. “Walk of shame really doesn’t look good on you.”

He glanced down at himself, paused, then looked up at her. “It’s not like that—”

She held up a hand. “Your business, Shane. I don’t want to hear the details.”

“Maggie.”

“See you later. I have things to do.” She opened the door and flew down the steps before he’d have the chance to hand her any more lies. The biggest problem was that she always wanted to believe Shane. Their relationship had been strong because of honesty.

With the weather finally breaking, there was only one place to go: the lake. Not too many people were out because of the cold, but a few hard-core runners slapped the pavement. Maggie sat on a stone wall and aimed her camera out to the water. She’d always loved Lake Michigan. Actually, she loved any water. While she was away, she missed her family, of course, but the city itself didn’t do much for her.

Lake Michigan, however, was something she’d longed for. From atop her cousin’s stone fence in Ireland, she could see the Shannon River far in the distance. A little sliver of water.

But it could never compare to this. The lake changed with the seasons. Hell, it was different daily, sometimes even hourly. Today it fit how she felt.

Dark blue, violent waves crashed against rocks. Sounds of early morning rush hour whooshed by behind her, but with a camera lens to her face, she tuned out everything in the moment.

For over an hour she sat, then stood, and snapped shot after shot. It was colder by the lake and she hadn’t dressed for it. Her cheeks were numb. Both sets. She jogged back to her car and sat with the engine running. Still a beautiful sight.

Her insides were knotted, and she couldn’t figure out how to loosen them. First Shane, then Eli, then Shane again. Men were idiots. Why the hell did she want one?

She closed her eyes and remembered the feeling of being held, skin on skin, and the memory brought back the reason. Maybe she was rushing it. Having sex with Shane taught her she could, but if she’d waited, she could’ve figured it out with another guy.

But the not knowing would’ve eaten away at her. She’d take a step back and reevaluate. She had a lot going on with starting new jobs and trying to build a career. Not seeing Shane every day would be a blessing and a disappointment. She loved living next door to him and hanging out all the time, but as long as she continued to spend all her time with him, no one else had a chance.

She drove back to O’Leary’s and changed for work. Just as she put on her apron, her phone buzzed with a text. Against her better judgment, she looked at the screen. It was from Eli.

 

 

Maggie snorted and rolled her eyes. No one knows how to respond to that conversation. Hell, she barely knew how to have that conversation. Then she sighed. The whole thing was difficult. And he was apologizing. Maybe he deserved another chance.

If for no other reason, she could get a good reading on their chemistry now that he knew her whole story.
I get off at 7. Meet me at work and we’ll have a drink.

As soon as she hit send, she began to think she would need a drink.

Maggie kept busy working her shift to forget all men. When she met with Eli tonight, she would put the brakes on whatever they had going. Maybe. She feared walking away from something that had potential simply because the timing was off. At seven o’clock, she began clearing her tables and closing out her orders.

No sign of Eli. Although he hadn’t responded to her text, she’d assumed he’d come. By seven fifteen she was ready to give up on him, and he strode through the door. Like he had the previous time they met, he scanned the entire bar, completely overlooking her. Why did it always take him so long to notice her? She waved to draw his attention.

As he walked over, she called to the bartender, “Hey, Jenna, can you get me a couple of beers? Put them on my tab.”

Jenna nodded.

Eli stood beside her. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“I’m glad you got my message and can forgive my attitude.”

“Well, I didn’t say that I forgive you. I simply invited you out for a beer.”

He touched her hand. “The invitation felt like forgiveness.”

Jenna handed Maggie the beers. Maggie took them and led the way to the back of the bar to find a table. They sat and Maggie took a drink. She had no idea what to say. She wasn’t even sure why she’d invited him here.

“So. About what you told me. I didn’t mean anything by what I said. I get it. I wasn’t trying to imply that what that guy did was okay. It was a lot to take in at once.”

“I know. And that’s part of why I offered to have a drink with you. I dumped a lot on you that you weren’t expecting.” She drank more beer. This was almost more uncomfortable than their last conversation.

“Where does this leave us?”

“I’m not sure. I have a lot going on in my life right now. I’m starting a new career. Working my way up from the bottom in a few ways. And I still have a lot of issues.”

“Are you breaking it off with me?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I think I’m ready for a relationship, but it has to go slow, and even then, I’m not sure. The truth is, I’m not sure of much in my life right now.” Another drink for courage and she lowered her voice. “The other part of why I wanted to meet you was to check our chemistry. I mean, if it’s not there, it would be silly to continue, right?”

He sat back in his chair and blew out a whistling breath. “You didn’t feel it? Even out in the alley the other day?”

She cringed. Was she being a bitch right now? She was just trying to be honest. “I thought so, but I’ve been distracted.” Mostly by Shane, if she was being totally honest, which was completely unfair to Eli. Eli hadn’t lied to her and tried to manipulate her.

Eli leaned forward again, this time scooting his chair closer to her. “Are you done being distracted?”

She smiled. “Yeah, I think so.” She sure damn hoped so.

He touched her hair, smoothing it back behind her ear, and then cupped the back of her neck. He drew her in and his lips closed over hers.

The kiss was gentle, nice even, but stirred nothing in her. Much to her dismay, her mind conjured yet more images of Shane. Damn it.

Eli’s tongue swept into her mouth and she almost gagged. Not a good response. He pulled away with a frown. “It’s not working.”

She shook her head, afraid any more words would just come out sounding mean.

“Damn. That’s too bad. I really like you.”

“I like you too.” She sighed and reached for her beer. “Maybe our timing is off. Another place, another time.”

He slid from his chair. “Maybe I’ll see you around.”

She nodded and watched him walk away. After chugging the rest of her beer, she cleared the table and climbed the stairs to her apartment. Once inside, she took a bottle of beer from her fridge and started drinking.

As much as Shane wanted to follow Alyson’s advice and leave Maggie alone, he needed his computer. Trying to hunt for an apartment on his phone was unbearable. He needed to find a place fast or he’d have to move into his parents’ house. He expected an e-mail from the department any day, which meant he had to be ready for his final interview.

Maggie had to work the day shift and she hadn’t been home when he checked earlier, so he’d packed the last of the things he wouldn’t need to access. At eight-thirty, he went to check again. Even if she got caught late or stayed to eat dinner before coming upstairs, she should be home by now.

He knocked on the door and heard some fumbling in the apartment.

“Who is it?”

“It’s me.”

“Me who?”

He sighed. He wasn’t in the mood for games. “Maggie, you can stay pissed for as long as you want. Just give me my computer, and I’ll leave you alone.”

The door swung open and Maggie stared at him with a goofy look on her face. “Shane. Why didn’t you just say it was you?”

“Who else would knock and assume you’d recognize his voice?”

She stepped back from the door.

“I need my computer.”

“Shit. I haven’t gotten a new one yet.”

“I don’t need to keep it. I need to use it to look for an apartment. You can use it until you’re ready for a new one.” He walked past her and noticed the empty beer bottles on the table. Did she have a guest? “Am I interrupting something?”

She laughed and stumbled back to the couch. “Just a pity party.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Almost. The upside to not drinking for five years is that you lose your tolerance. Only a few beers in and I’ll be good and drunk.” She picked up a bottle and drained it.

He hated seeing her like this. “What happened?”

She blew a raspberry. “Life. My sucky life.”

He sat beside her and waited.

“I met with Eli. Oh, wait. You don’t know the first part. Yesterday, I told him I’d been raped, and he pretty much discounted what I said. Like because Todd was my ex, it wasn’t really rape.”

Shane’s blood began to boil. “Fuck him.”

Maggie held up a wobbly hand. “That’s what I said. But then he texted me and apologized.”

Shane clamped his jaw shut. Maggie was too nice. How could she not see that a guy like Eli didn’t deserve her?

“So I had him come to the bar tonight for a drink. We talked. He said he felt bad.” She picked up an empty bottle and held it up to the light, then pushed off the couch. “Want one?”

He shook his head. Drinking when he felt like this wouldn’t be a smart move.

She staggered to the kitchen and brought back two bottles. He waited patiently for her to continue.

“So me and Eli, we talked. He wanted to keep going out, but I told him I wasn’t sure about our chemistry.”

Shane couldn’t hold back the snort. Maggie shoved his shoulder. No matter how fucked up things had gotten, this was how it was supposed to be between them.

“That was pretty much Eli’s reaction, but I was distracted when I was with him.”

“Distracted?”

She mumbled something, and Shane leaned closer. “I didn’t catch that.”

“I was distracted by you, okay? You gave me my first real orgasm in years and it was amazing. Every time Eli made a move, I thought about you.”

As it should be.
His chest puffed. Although he didn’t say the words, he let his smile speak for him.

“This isn’t funny. We had sex as an experiment just to see if I could. That’s it. It’s not supposed to mean anything else.” Her arms flailed as she spoke, and he took the bottle of beer from her.

“So what if it does?”

“It can’t. It was sex. Great sex.” She scooted closer to him. “In fact, I wouldn’t mind having more of that. But that’s all it’ll be.”

He held her hand. “Why?”

“So many reasons.” She waved her hand in front of his face, attempting to tick off her points. “We’re friends and I don’t want to complicate that. You tried to manipulate me. And you used good sex to do it.”

“No, I didn’t. Was I supposed to offer bad sex?”

“No, I mean yesterday. You started talking about being a couple.”

“That’s what I want.”

“No, you don’t. You just want to control me.”

“No one can control you. I know that.”