Hold Me Close (24 page)

“But I think we can only be friends.”

He held her hand against his jaw. “Why?”

“Because I don’t think it’s worth the risk.”

He pulled her hand away but continued to hold it. “What if I can’t go back?”

The nerves turned to ice-cold fear. “What are you saying?”

“I’m sorry, Mags, but I don’t think I can go back to just being friends. I’ve loved you for a long time, and I’ve been patient. I’ve waited while you dated other guys, while you traveled around the world, while you put your life back together. I’m done waiting.”

He released her hand, and she felt like he was letting go of a lot more. She had no words. Her worst fear came crashing down on her. Shane shook his head and walked out the door.

CHAPTER 18

S
hane walked back to his apartment in a daze. He hadn’t planned to say that to Maggie. In fact, he didn’t have a plan at all when he went to her place. But seeing her, holding her hand, feeling her touch his face, made him realize he wanted more. What he’d said carried his truth. He’d thought he could go back to being friends with Maggie, had tried to prepare for that as an option, but it didn’t work.

He opened his refrigerator to grab a beer and remembered it was empty. He was moving out, which meant he had nothing. He stared at his door, willing Maggie to come to him. She was scared. So was he, but he knew they would work. Maybe with a little time, she would come to the same realization.

Staring at his empty apartment, he began to question every choice he’d made. He had no place to live, he almost ruined his chance to become a cop, and now the woman he loved most in the world had turned him away.

Fuck this. He grabbed some clean clothes and his keys and left. He couldn’t sit in this apartment surrounded by O’Learys and not reach out to Maggie again. He was done reaching out for her. It was time for him to get his life in order and go after what he wanted. Right now, all he wanted was a stiff drink, so he headed back to Alyson’s place.

The thought sent another message about his sad life. He needed more guy friends. Since leaving college, he hadn’t built many new friendships. He relied on his family and Maggie to fill that part of his life. It wasn’t normal. He hadn’t given it much thought before now, but he needed a drink and he didn’t have someone to call other than his little sister.

His life wasn’t just sad, it was pitiful.

For the next few days, Maggie threw herself into her work. She took on additional shifts at the bar, and during every free moment beyond that she walked the city, taking pictures. The freedom she felt as she captured images was almost swallowed by the deep pain burrowing in her chest.

Shane hadn’t made any attempt to contact her since he walked out of her apartment. She’d tried to accidentally bump into him as he left for work or came home, but he must’ve changed his schedule to avoid her. Ultimately, she felt lost. She made an appointment to see Dr. Janzen, because talking it through with someone who was objective usually worked for her.

Her family, especially Moira, couldn’t be objective. They all loved Shane. They would think his overprotective nature was normal, endearing even. Lying to protect her was a good thing in their eyes.

They all made her want to scream. And knowing that made her want to run away, because yelling never seemed to get her too far.

She waited outside Dr. Janzen’s office, unable to sit still. The restlessness had been an issue since her fight with Shane. Was it even classified as a fight? They hadn’t argued, but they definitely disagreed.

Dr. Janzen opened her door and greeted Maggie with a smile. Today she wore a black suit and a coral top. Maggie couldn’t remember ever seeing this blouse. She smiled. Even Dr. Janzen managed to change things.

Once they sat, Dr. Janzen asked, “How are you?”

“I think I screwed up.”

“Screwed up what?”

Maggie sat on the comfortably squishy couch and rambled, filling Dr. Janzen in on everything. The letter from Todd, sex with Shane, her disastrous conversation with Eli. When she was done, the restlessness disappeared.

Tears pricked the back of her eyes.

Dr. Janzen had said nothing until now. “Why do you think you’d lose Shane if you altered your relationship?”

“Because people screw things up all the time.”

“That would be true of any relationship. You’re not avoiding having a relationship, just having one with Shane. Why?”

“Shane sees me as fragile, someone he needs to take care of. I’m not. I need to be with someone who can see me as his equal. And Shane . . .” She needed to continue. She knew she needed to tell Dr. Janzen everything, but some things she’d never mentioned before. Giving them voice proved harder than expected.

As usual, Dr. Janzen didn’t move, didn’t speak. She simply sat and waited until Maggie knew what she wanted to say.

Maggie bit down on her now trembling lip. Her words were barely a whisper. “I’m afraid that when he sees all of me, he’ll realize he was wrong and leave.”

“I thought you said Shane knew everything.”

“Not about the locked doors and not . . .”

When she didn’t say anything for a minute, Dr. Janzen added, “Feeling the need to be behind a locked door is not a deal breaker for most people.”

“But it would reinforce the idea that I’m still broken, that he needs to protect me.” The sun shone brightly through the window, and if she didn’t know that it was barely fifty degrees outside, someone could convince her it was summer. She clasped her hands and focused there.

“Many men feel a strong urge to protect those they care about. Letting Shane know that you need the door locked probably won’t faze him. What else doesn’t he know about?”

Still looking out the window, Maggie said, “He doesn’t know how fucked up I am. The whole time we worked toward having sex, he kept telling me we were going to do things
his
way.”

“Did that make you uncomfortable?”

She huffed a sad laugh. “Just the opposite. It was a total turn-on. But then, he put me in charge. He was so worried about me freaking out that he wanted me in control.”

“He sounds thoughtful.”

“He is. Don’t you see? That’s what makes me fucked up.” She spun and faced her therapist. “I want a man to come to me and take charge. I want a guy to do things
his
way. How fucked up is that? I was raped and I fantasize about some guy taking my control away.”

Maggie buried her face in her hands. Confusion swirled through every ounce of her being. But she no longer wanted to cry. Minutes passed.

Finally, Dr. Janzen called her. “Maggie.”

Then she waited until Maggie’s gaze met hers.

“Having fantasies makes you normal. The fact that you want to explore your sexuality should be celebrated. What makes you think Shane would leave you because of this?”

“Because I’m a fraud. Don’t you see that? He will always think I’m weak, and in some ways, I am. I can’t go to sleep unless I check and then double-check my bedroom door to make sure it’s locked. And then I want a guy to be forceful in bed. I feel like a hypocrite.”

“Let’s put Shane out of this for a moment. Let’s assume you continue to date and you find someone you care about. You talk to him about your past, including the rape. Would you include him in your sexual fantasies?”

She didn’t even have to really think about it. “Probably.”

“Why do you assume this new man would be able to handle your feelings and fantasies better than Shane?”

Huh. Maggie slumped back against the cushions. “I guess it’s because Shane already thinks he knows everything about me. And this . . . this would ruin that image for him.”

“Are you saying his image of you is wrong?”

“Not wrong, but skewed. He always treats me like I’m special.”

By the time Maggie left Dr. Janzen’s office, she was wrung out. Although she hadn’t shed a tear, she felt like she’d run the gamut of emotions. And she still didn’t have any answers. There were things she could count on Dr. Janzen for. Giving her solutions to her problems was not one of them.

She had, however, given Maggie lots to think about.

Maggie needed to reevaluate her relationship with Shane and what she really wanted from it. And what was she willing to do for it.

This was it. Shane stood outside the police academy and stared at the sign: Chicago Police Education and Training Academy. If all went well today, he’d breeze through this interview and be placed in the next class of recruits. He was so nervous, he didn’t even tell anyone that he had his interview today.

If he blew it, he planned to forget he ever got this far. He wouldn’t be able to stand hearing everyone ask how it went. It was bad enough that his entire family kept asking him what had happened with Maggie. Alyson and her big mouth.

He shoved all of that aside and focused. This interview was the last hurdle he needed to clear to become a cop. Well, he had to make it out of the academy, but he knew he’d be successful given the chance.

After patting his pockets one last time to make sure he had his newly signed lease, he strode through the front door and checked in for his appointment. Detective Carroll sat in front of him, reading from a file.

“So you played football in college?”

That was not the kind of question Shane had expected. “Yeah.”

“What position?”

“Defensive end.”

“So what do you think about the Bears going into next year?”

Shane knew this had to be a trap. Carroll was looking for something, but Shane had no idea what as they chatted about football for the next ten minutes. Then it hit him.

“So why did you stop playing? You were on a scholarship, right?”

Shane leaned forward slightly. “No disrespect, Detective Carroll, but I’m sure it’s all right there in my file. I quit after blowing the whistle on teammates who were doping. My allegations proved true, but I couldn’t stay on the team after that. Everyone thought I had betrayed the team.”

“Do you regret your decision?”

“No. It was the right thing to do.”

“Do you always do the right thing?”

“I try, but I’m not perfect.”

“What if the right thing is against the law?”

Shit was getting real now. He thought of Maggie, and he knew to a certain degree there were times when he’d break the law. But he also knew he couldn’t admit it. “I’m a law-abiding citizen. I was taught to believe in the system. I know it’s not perfect, but it’s the best we’ve got.”

“Tell me about Todd McCann.”

How the hell did Carroll get there? Shane had never been officially charged. “He’s my friend Maggie’s ex-boyfriend.”

“You were brought in, but not charged, for beating him up.”

Shane’s jaw tightened. This hadn’t come up in any of his previous tests. He’d believed he was in the clear. “Yes.”

“Did you beat him up?”

“I plead the fifth.”

Detective Carroll finally cracked a smile. “I thought you wanted to be a cop, not a lawyer.”

“I do. So in this instance, keeping my mouth shut is in my best interest.”

“Did he break her heart, so you broke his nose?”

Anger filled Shane, but he fought not to react. Of course, Carroll would think he flew off the handle over something silly. He unclenched his jaw and answered, “No. He raped her.”

Carroll inhaled deeply, and took a moment before saying anything else. Shane continued to stare at the man. Shane had no regrets about that either. Todd deserved much worse than what Shane had doled out.

“Why didn’t you let the system handle that?”

“We did. But my temper got the better of me.”

“So you decided to play vigilante.”

“No. I went to speak to him to make sure he knew to stay away from my friend. He threw a punch and I defended myself, which is why no charges were formally filed.”

Carroll seemed satisfied and changed the subject again. He jumped around from topic to topic. Shane assumed the man wanted to trip him up.

When Shane left the academy every muscle in his body had tightened and felt like they would snap. He climbed into his truck, barely resisting the strong urge to kick in the side.

Carroll had left him with a handshake and no promise of employment, just like every other step in this god-awful process. Carroll gave nothing away. Shane had no way to gauge if he’d screwed up. He drove to his parents’ house, his temporary residence until he could move into his new apartment.

He parked down the street from the house, reluctant to go in. They would ask where he’d been and he’d attempt to lie. Then his mom would wheedle it out of him and try to make him feel better about the whole thing. No, he didn’t want someone to pat him on the back and tell him he’d done the best he could. He already knew that.