Hockey Is My Boyfriend: Part Three (31 page)

“
K
elly
, is that what you’re wearing tonight?”

Jimmy was doing up his tie. We were going to a charity function the Blackhawks were hosting.

I looked down at myself. I was wearing a white silk blouse and black dress pants. I thought I looked fine, but judging from his voice I didn’t.

“Um, yes,” I stammered.

“You can’t wear that—that’s what the wait staff will be wearing.”

“Oh, okay.” I went to my tiny corner of the closet and pulled out my yellow sundress and my black halter dress. “One of these?”

Jimmy frowned. “They’re both look like summer, and there’s snow outside. But the black one, I guess. If that’s all you have.” The only other dress I had was the one from the NHL Awards, and that was even more summery and revealing. I hurriedly got dressed, and even added the Tiffany necklace. I hoped that would make Jimmy happier. He seemed really tense lately, probably because they were in a losing skid.

I was brushing my hair in the bathroom when Jimmy poked his head in to say that it was time to go. Then he added, “Oh no, Kelly.”

“What’s wrong?”

“You have a big bruise across your back.” He ran a finger over the slightly tender area. “And on your upper arm too.”

“Yeah, some jerk crosschecked me last week.” I was on a beer hockey team called The Hockey Sox. In fact, I was missing a game tonight.

“You can’t go out like that. Put a jacket on.”

I looked at my back in the mirror and laughed. “Like hockey players have never seen a bruise before?”

“Not on their girlfriends. I wonder if you should even be playing. I thought it was non-contact.”

“It’s supposed to be. But stuff happens.”

I pulled out a black cardigan and he frowned at that too. “Don’t you have a nicer jacket?”

I showed him my jean jacket and a faded black one.

Jimmy shook his head. “I don’t understand you. You used to dress perfectly—like at the NHL Awards. But now, you never have the right outfit. Half your clothes look like student crap and the other half look like something a nun would wear.”

“Well, April helped find the dress I wore that night,” I explained. “I didn’t realize that tonight’s dinner was such a big deal.” Was Jimmy really upset about something else? I didn’t understand why my clothes were suddenly an issue.

“Kelly, as the captain, I have to make a good impression. And since I’m so young, there’s extra scrutiny. It doesn’t help if my girlfriend looks like she got dressed in the dark.”

“Jimmy!”

“I gave you a credit card, but you never go shopping. I thought women loved shopping. Why don’t you get Cherie or Danielle to help you? They always look great.”

I tried to swallow the anger that was building up in me. Maybe I wasn’t winning any best-dressed awards, but he was finding fault with everything I did tonight. “I don’t feel right using your money to get clothes,” I explained.

“Representing the team is like an investment.” He looked amazing in his suit, so he was keeping up his part of the bargain.

“Okay, fine. But it’s too late to go shopping now. Why don’t you go by yourself?”

Jimmy considered this for a moment and then to my surprise, he agreed. “Yeah, maybe that’s better. I’ll see you later.” He gave me an absentminded kiss and left.

Really? Clothes were more important than my being there? In truth, these events were all about Jimmy, and I spent most of the time smiling and not saying much. It was a relief not to go, although I had been looking forward to eating the dinner. I got changed into jeans and a top, then realized I could still make my hockey game tonight.

“Kelly? What are you doing here?” Toby, our team captain, was shocked to see me.

“My event got cancelled, so I thought I’d come anyway.”

“Well, great. Go get changed.” He flipped me the key to the dressing room.

It felt fantastic to get out on the ice and play. As always, hockey was my escape and the only time I didn’t have to think about stuff like how pissed off I was at my boyfriend. We won, and everyone was pretty happy. I felt like I had worked out all my anger as well.

Afterwards, we all went out for beer and pizza. It was nice to be out with people who had no idea who my big-deal boyfriend was and treated me normally. At the end of evening, Toby walked me to my car.

“Kelly, I have to talk to you about something.”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“Well, I was pretty happy when we got you on the team. You’re a really good player—especially for a girl. You’re the best girl player we’ve ever had.”

I smiled. “Hey, thanks.” It was a backhanded compliment, but it was the only compliment I’d had all day.

“But—you sure miss a lot of games. It’s a problem. I have to ask you, are you going to be able to come to more games for the rest of the season?”

I looked down at the toes of our boots in the snow-packed parking lot. “Well, I have Blackhawks season’s tickets. So whenever our games conflict with their games, I can’t go.”

Of course, it wasn’t just games; I also missed playing if there were social or team events that Jimmy wanted me to come to. Toby was right; I had missed about half our games.

“Season’s tickets? Nice work if you can get it. I thought you were a student.”

“I am. They’re uh, my boyfriend’s tickets.”

“Oh, I get it. Anyway, the thing is that Arlene, the girl who played tonight, has agreed to be a regular on our team. So, I was thinking that you could be our spare.”

“Spare?”

“Yeah, I’ll call you if we don’t have enough women players. Sounds like it would fit your schedule better. You see, it’s hard for me to find a female player whenever you cancel, and if we don’t have enough women we forfeit.”

“Couldn’t we just play with an extra player when I’m there?”

“I guess. That’s what we did tonight. But it’s really not fair to all the players who come regularly since they don’t get as much ice time.”

“Okay. Sorry.” I unlocked my car and got in.

Toby looked like he wanted to say something else but settled for waving as I pulled out.

Jimmy was still out when I got home. I threw my gear into the laundry room for a good cleaning, the kind I did at the end of the season. Who knew when I’d need it again? Arlene looked like the reliable type who wouldn’t ever miss a game. I showered and then went to sleep in the guest room. I did that sometimes when Jimmy was away or getting home late when I needed to get up early.

The next morning I was up and out to school first thing. After morning classes, I ate lunch with my friend, Renée.

“What did you get on the quiz?” she asked.

“Ten,” I said. It was out of ten. Seriously, after McGill, I found everything here so easy.

“Gah. You’re a freaking genius.” Renée was two years younger than me and obsessed with becoming a weather forecaster. I had no idea what her chances were, but she spent a lot of time practicing in front of the school’s green screen. She was cute and peppy. Her hair was dark with white-blonde streaks, but that was the only rebellious part of her.

I ate my sandwich, and Renée waved a carrot stick around and speculated on whether it was going to snow this afternoon. She discussed the weather like no other.

“What’s wrong with you today, Kelly? You’re so quiet.”

“Oh, a bunch of stuff. I have to go shopping.”

“You say that like most people would say they had to go to the dentist. Did you want me to go with you? I love shopping.”

“It’s okay, I already have a shopping expert lined up.” Cherie had been dying to take me shopping. I figured that her flashy style was exactly what Jimmy had in mind for his ideal captain’s girlfriend’s wardrobe. I was meeting her on the Magnificent Mile after school was done.

“So, what’s wrong? Not enough money?”

I had mentioned to Renée that my boyfriend played hockey, but she wasn’t enough of a fan to understand what that meant. I preferred it that way. It seemed like too much of my life was taken up with people who admired Jimmy. “No, I have enough money. I don’t mind shopping for some things, but not clothes.”

“You always look nice,” Renée said. She was sweet.

“Thank you. I also got kicked off my hockey team last night, so that’s bothering me.”

“Wow, what did you do? Injure someone?”

“Nothing that exciting. I wasn’t showing up enough.”

“Too bad. I know how much you love hockey.” All my broadcast projects were hockey-centric. It had become a bit of a joke around school.

Shopping with Cherie wasn’t as exhausting as I had feared. Since I was already feeling defeated, I agreed to everything she suggested. In fact, she seemed puzzled by my lack of fight, but used the opportunity to sign me up to model in the charity fashion show.

Afterwards, she didn’t want to go for dinner since she was meeting J.J., so I went out for a burger by myself. I didn’t think it was a big deal since Jimmy had practice today, and he usually had meetings before and after. Often he ate with the team at their facility.

“Where were you?” Jimmy demanded when I walked in.

“Shopping,” I said, holding up the bags. “As directed.”

“You didn’t go alone, did you?” he asked.

“Oh, fuck off,” I told him, and went directly to the bedroom to hang everything up. He followed me right into the walk-in closet.

“C’mon, Kelly. If you’re mad at me, we need to talk it out.”

“Mad at you? Why would I be mad? In the past 24 hours, you let me know I’m not attractive enough to go out with, I can’t shop for myself,
and
you caused me to get cut from my hockey team. Being your girlfriend is the worst thing on the planet.”

“Well, that’s not a very nice thing to say.” He scowled at me. “And how did I cause you to get cut?”

“I missed too many games, so they got someone else.”

“So that’s why your gear is all over the laundry room,” he said.

“Stop being so anal. So what if I leave my stuff out for a few hours? Nobody would care, except you. You’re Mr. Perfect, so everyone around you has to be perfect too. Well, guess what? I’m not perfect. You’ve pointed that out enough.”

There were more things I wanted to say—like why did you beg me to come out here? Because in all the time I’d been with him, he had never made me feel the way he did last night—like I wasn’t enough. I knew I wasn’t sophisticated and polished, but I never felt that he was ashamed to be seen with me. Didn’t being in love mean that you could overlook the other person’s flaws?

But there were lines you couldn’t cross unless you wanted to end things. And while I might feel like that tonight, I wasn’t a person who gave up this easily. I could change my clothes, I could wear more make-up, and I could become a captain’s girlfriend. Only—I didn’t want to do that right now. All I wanted to do was go to bed. I blew by him, washed my face, and brushed my teeth.

“Okay, let’s go to bed, and we can straighten this out,” Jimmy said. He put his hands on my shoulders as I stood in front of the bathroom vanity.

“No. I’m sleeping in the spare room tonight.”

“Please, Kelly.” Jimmy’s voice was pleading, and he was trying to look all puppy-dog cute.

“I said no. You can’t be horrible and expect everything to be okay. I need some time—away from you.”

“But I have a game tomorrow night. I need to relax and get a good night’s sleep.”

“Listen to yourself—me, me, me—the world needs to rotate around Planet Frechette. I don’t want to go to bed with you. No way.”

“What have I done? Other than pay for everything and ask you to go shopping, which is something most girls would love to do.”

“I knew it. You told me not to worry about the money and now you’re throwing it in my face.” I turned away, and softly muttered, “Why did I come here?”

But Jimmy heard me. “I thought it was because you wanted to. But maybe it was because you didn’t have a choice.”

“
H
old still
, Kelly.” Cherie was biting her lip as she applied false eyelashes on me. “There. Now look.”

I looked in the mirror. Well, I tried, anyway. It was like looking through black lace curtains. “I can’t see.”

“You’ll get used to it. Don’t you love the way I contoured your cheekbones? I’m a true
artiste
.” She twirled away from the makeup station she had set up in our master bathroom and started replacing things into her pink tackle box.

Through the black edges, I peered at my reflection. My face looked thinner, my eyes were larger and rimmed with black, my mouth was pink and full, and my skin was more tanned. I was also taller since my hair rose high above my head. In total, I looked like I had been through a photo-manipulation program and transformed into an anime character.

I sighed. “Thank you for the makeup lesson.” I guess I was pretty, in this polished way that I’d seen in Chicago. Vancouver was a pretty casual place, and the Windy City was a lot more sophisticated. The female television anchors and even sports reporters looked glossy and ultra-confident.

Cherie had been coaching me so I could do my own on-camera makeup for school, and I liked the polished look we had perfected. But tonight was different. I needed the full meal deal. There was a big sports dinner sponsored by the local television station, featuring players from the Hawks, Bulls, Cubs, White Sox and Bears. Jimmy needed a date. Cue Barbie’s half-Asian friend, Kelly. He wanted someone glamourous and grown-up? He was getting it, times ten.

“Is everything okay with you and the baby-captain?”

“Yeah,” I answered. We had made up after our big fight. Yet things weren’t quite back to normal. There was a chilly politeness to our time together, and even sex wasn’t breaking down that barrier. “Why do you ask?”

“Oh, J.J. said that Freeze was a little grumpy these days. And you’re not your perky self lately either—so I added two plus two.”

“No, things are fine. We’ve just had a few adjustments to living together.” I’d had roommates every since I left home, but I’d always paid my share and had a room of my own. Now I was very conscious that I was living in
his
place. Even when he was on the road, his presence loomed and I worried about keeping things neat and organized.

Cherie pursed her perfect lips. “At least he wants you to live with him. J.J. doesn’t mind me staying with him, but he draws the line at me moving my stuff in.” Maybe J.J. was worried that Cherie would have a truckload of clothing. I hadn’t seen her wear the same outfit twice.

She reached out to tuck in a stray hair that had escaped the hairspray assault. “You’re lucky, Kelly. Jimmy is so crazy about you. I can tell by the way he looks at you.”

He certainly had odd ways of showing it, I thought. Lately, I felt like all he did was criticize me. But I said only, “That’s nice.”

“You two are both babies. So young that every drama seems like a mountain, but you’ll work through all that.” She laughed.

I went to the closet and took out the dress that Cherie had also helped me buy. It was very fitted, almost like a cheongsam, but with a nude-coloured lining and red lace overlay. What I like about it was that it was covered up everywhere, even though it looked sheer. Cherie had called it an illusion neckline.

I slipped into it and Cherie zipped it up.

“You’re the luckiest girl in the world. Most of us would have to wear an army of shapewear for something this tight, but you could probably go commando.”

I was wearing a strapless bra and high-cut panties. Thanks to Jimmy’s lingerie fetish, my underwear wardrobe was expansive.

“It fits you like the proverbial glove,” she declared. “Now, one more thing before you go—we’ll do a lil’ walking lesson.”

“I think I’m good. I’ve been walking since I was ten months old.”

“Don’t worry, hun. I’m not going full pageant walk-and-turn. But I’ve noticed you kinda slink into the room. A beautiful woman has to walk into the room like she owns it.”

No
seemed inadequate to convey how I felt about this idea, but my face must have.

“How come you don’t get how pretty you are?”

“I know I look nice, it’s not a big deal.”

“Not how it seems to me. You never seem to notice when men pay attention to you. I’ve been flirting with men since the first time my momma brought me to the pediatrician, but you—” She shook her head. “It’s like you don’t want men staring at you!”

I shrugged. “I spent a lot of time being a tomboy. My looks are like an afterthought. I feel it’s wrong for things to happen to me because of the way I look.”

“You are livin’ in dreamland, baby. Appearances are important for everyone. When you date a pro athlete, they’ve got an image to maintain.”

I shook my head. “Jimmy’s not like that.” He thought I was beautiful, but that was part of our private love. He didn’t want a girlfriend who turned the head of every guy on the street. Or did he? Suddenly I recalled how happy he had been when guys noticed me at the NHL Awards. And now all the talk about my clothes. Maybe I was wrong. Everything in my life seemed to be quicksand, and I was stubbornly clinging to my former ideas.

Cherie laughed and hugged me. “Be honest, Kelly darling—does his appearance matter to you? Because when you guys are together, it looks like you want to lick him up with chocolate sauce on the side!”

I laughed. There was no doubt that I found Jimmy extremely attractive. I appreciated his sweet face and his muscular body. So it wasn’t like looking good was part of an anti-feminist agenda. “Okay, Cherie. Show me how to walk.”

An hour later, I was headed into a downtown hotel ballroom. I spotted Jimmy across the room with a few of the other Hawks. I walked over to him—no, I strode over—chest out, shoulders back, butt tucked in, and confidence oozing out of every step.

“Kelly?” Leo was the first one to actually notice me, but he wasn’t even sure it was me. Jimmy turned around, and his eyes went huge.

“Whoa, Kelly.” He was actually stunned for a moment. “You look—different.”

“More like a girlfriend, and less like a nun?”

He blushed, “Oh c’mon Kelly, you know I didn’t mean that.”

“Good, because if you did, I’ve already met three guys here who think I could be their girlfriend.” I motioned behind me. Cherie was right: when your walk said “look”—people did. Making my way across the ballroom had not been uneventful.

“Is there a sign-up list?” asked Ty.

Jimmy put a protective arm around me. “She’s with me.” He kissed my ear and whispered, “As always, the most beautiful woman in the room.”

That night, we were lying in bed and Jimmy cuddled up behind me.

“Sorry, Kelly, if I was mean to you before, about the nun stuff.”

I didn’t reply. What he had said didn’t hurt anymore. I wasn’t sure if tonight was about proving something to Jimmy or to myself. Sometimes I saw our life together as a challenge, and I wanted to show that I was up to the task. If that meant getting dressed up and walking with my glutes pulled in, so be it. But I felt a little lost. I used to be the hockey girl, and then the captain of my team. Now I was someone who was drifting, not really sure of exactly who she was. I was a student, a friend, a beer league hockey sub, but mainly I was Jimmy’s girlfriend.

His strong arm came over my shoulder, and he turned me to face him.

“You looked beautiful tonight, but you looked like a stranger. I like you even better now—without makeup. You’re so sweet and natural.”

"Then why do you keep bugging me to change?"

"Do I?" Jimmy closed his eyes briefly. "I’m sorry. There's so much pressure now. I know I've been acting like a total jerk. But living in a fishbowl, being under constant scrutiny—it makes me feel like I need to be perfect. No, I feel that we both need to be perfect."

He stopped talking and looked so agonized, that I put my arms around his neck and hugged him. He slowly loosened into my touch, then wrapped his arms tightly around me too. His grip felt like that of a boy who was desperately clinging to a stuffed toy.

“All my dreams have come true—everything I wanted when I was a kid. I'm an NHL captain and the team is winning. And of course, I have you.” He stroked my hair absentmindedly. “But I can’t relax. I feel like if I don't work hard enough, it'll all slip away. So I push myself. And I push you. I can’t seem to stop.”

He was triggering nostalgia in me too. Lying beside him in the perfect modern bedroom, I wished I were back in my tiny, cluttered room at home: snuggling my cat, doing homework, and playing hockey with boys. Before I knew anything about sex or love, when I only dreamed about playing for Team Canada.

Jimmy must have felt something in my body sag because he held me even closer.

“Kelly, I know I'm going through stuff, and I've taken some of it out on you. But don't give up on me—I love you so much. Hang in there, and everything will be fine. I love you. I need you."

I smiled up at him. That was exactly what I needed to hear. When we were alone together, things were perfect.