Hockey Is My Boyfriend: Part Three (33 page)

“We all are, little bro. But you can take it from me—failing is not the worst thing. Not trying and not knowing if you could have done it is way worse.”

Exactly. And that was why I was so bothered by seeing Kelly at Ben’s party, because I felt like I could have saved her from the trap. If I had tried my hardest, she would be with me where she belonged. And she’d be happy.

But who was I to judge? Maybe she was happy. I’d barely spoken to her and my impressions were only based on a few minutes together. Fuck, was I rationalizing again?

“I know it’s ridiculous since we’ve both moved on, but I feel like I want to do something. Is it too late for Kelly and me?”

Ray shook his head. “I don’t know. Why don’t you see her? You guys could at least talk.”

“She’s gone already. She’s spending Christmas with him.”

“Oh. Well, I don’t know then. You’re the one who knows her best.”

I thought long and hard about it. I guess what I really regretted was that we had broken up in a way that precluded us talking again. And I didn’t feel like I could call her up and talk, even if I could get the number from April.

Finally, I decided that I should send her a little peace offering. If we opened up our channels of communication, at least I’d have the reassurance of knowing that she could call me if she wanted. Since I was at home with all my music stuff, I recorded a mix tape with five songs on it. I burned a CD and wrapped it in Christmas paper with a note. And then I had to figure out a way to deliver it. When I saw April and Ben at New Year’s Eve, I cornered her for a private moment away from the karaoke screen.

“I have a Christmas present for Kelly. Could I get her address so I can mail it to her?”

April gave me a withering look. “I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to mail explosives to the United States.”

“C’mon. It’s not a bomb.”

“Well, anthrax is not allowed either.”

“It’s a mix tape. Now can I have her address?”

She still wasn’t buying this. “When you saw her at Ben’s party, I’m pretty sure you guys only spoke for five seconds. And hello, does the name Emily ring a bell? What is really going on here?”

“Weren’t you worried about Kelly when you saw her? She looks so artificial—and unhappy.”

Finally I seemed to have gotten through to April. She nodded. “That’s what I thought too. But Karen thought she looked great. And Kelly said she was fine, even when I probed her on the subject. She’s changed for sure, but is she unhappy?”

“Her parents have left the country, so now we’re the ones who know her best. I’m worried that she’s too isolated out there. So, all I want to do is let her know that she can still count on me—if she wants to talk, or anything.”

April snorted. “Like swoop in and rescue her from her million-dollar condo?”

“I can only do that if you give me the address.”

She thought this over. “Are you still going out with Emily? Who I like, by the way.”

I nodded. “I’m not trying to get back with Kelly. I feel guilty about the way things ended and now I—” I realized I was lying to myself. If I really wanted to change, I’d have to open myself up to the truth, regardless of how vulnerable it made me look. “No, that’s bullshit. I would take her back in a millisecond if she showed up. I am so fucked.”

I cared a lot about Emily, and maybe if Kelly had shown up glowing with happiness, none of this would have happened. But she hadn’t, and that set up a series of emotional dominos.

April gave me a look that was either sympathy or pity. “Bring me the present, I’ll mail it to Kelly. She forgot a scarf at my place anyway, and I’ll send her a Christmas gift too. I don’t know if she would want you to have her address or not, but I agree—she needs friends who have nothing to do with James.”

W
hen I left for school
, Jimmy was still fast asleep. I never woke him up, but I liked to look at him in bed. He had so much tension and worry these days, but when he slept, his face was relaxed. He reminded me of the guy I had first met at hockey camp—sweet and innocent.

However, innocent was the last word I’d use to describe him these days. Every time he got back from a road trip, he had some new ideas for us to try out. At first it was fun, but now I longed for the good old days when we had vanilla sex.

School was a nice distraction. We were putting together demo reels and beginning to talk about work placements after graduation in March. I was one of the top students—a first for me—so my prospects were very good. All I needed was a work visa, but the administration assured me that other foreign students had gotten them.

When I got home, Micha the concierge handed me a package.

“This came for you, Kelly,” he said.

“For me?” Jimmy got care packages from his mom all the time, but I never got anything. My parents were busy on their trip, and all I got was postcards.

The parcel was from April, and seeing her handwriting gave me a lift.

I got into the elevator with an elderly lady I’d seen before. I knew her because she and her little dog looked alike—right down to their curly white hair and matching coats. The neighbours always seemed to know who I was. Not by name of course, but as the girlfriend of the captain of the Blackhawks. We were by far the youngest couple in the building since it was an expensive one.

Today, the elderly lady and her dog both wore plaid coats.

I bent down and patted him. He trembled but then licked my hand. “You’re a cutie. Do you live here?” I wondered.

The woman nodded regally. “We bought before it was built. We were the second tenants to move in.”

“Wow, that’s great. I guess that’s why you got to keep your dog.”

She tilted her head at me. “I would never move into any building that wouldn’t take Cho-Cho. We are inseparable.”

“Oh, sorry. I thought there were no pets allowed here.”

“No, of course not. There are size restrictions. But one small to medium-sized pet per suite is allowable.”

My floor dinged, and I got out. “Bye,” I called out. She must have had a penthouse suite to be above us.

“Hey, I’m home.” Jimmy had had a morning skate, but it was too early for his pregame nap.

“Hi, baby.” He appeared and gave me a big hug. “I hate waking up and finding you gone.”

“But I like seeing you asleep,” I told him, ruffling his hair. “You look cute.”

I wandered into the kitchen. “Did you have lunch already?”

“Yeah, I ate with J.J. and Wheels.”

I got out some fruit and started slicing it up. “Hey, I’ve got some good news for you.”

“Really? What’s up?” He followed me into the kitchen, put his arm around my waist, and stole a piece of apple.

“The real estate agent was wrong. You can have pets here.”

“Oh.”

“So, if you wanted a dog, you could get one.”

Jimmy gave me a funny look. “I’ll think about it. Since you’re here, you could take care of him when I’m on the road.”

“Sure. It’s weird that Sandra said no pets. It seems like a selling feature.” I had met Jimmy’s real estate agent before, she liked to keep in touch with him. She probably thought he’d move to an even bigger place someday, like Ty. “I’ll let her know the truth next time I see her.”

He let out an exasperated sigh. “You don’t need to stick your nose into this. I’m sure Sandra already knows.”

Jimmy was being rude. What was his problem? Or was I proving once again that I didn’t have enough to do? “Chill, dude,” I said and went to take a shower. When I came out, he was waiting for me in the bedroom.

“Kelly, I have to tell you something.”

“What is it?”

“I lied about pets not being allowed. I’m really sorry.”

“That’s so weird, why would you do that?” He wouldn’t meet my eyes, and I had this funny sinking feeling. As far as I knew, Jimmy had never lied to me before. Why would he lie about something so small?

He squeezed his hands together. “I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want your old cat living here and making a mess. I don’t really like cats.”

“Oh, okay. Why didn’t you just tell me that?” I loved Gino, but I knew other people didn’t. April only grudgingly gave me permission for him to stay. Still, if he lied about something like this, what else had he lied about? My irritation was countered by how guilty he clearly felt.

“At that time I was worried that the slightest thing might make you change your mind and not come here.” He pulled me into his arms. “But now, things are so good between us—I can tell you anything. And you’re being so nice about this, you’re not getting mad or anything.”

He gave me a hopeful smile and then undid the ties on my robe. “And now you’re all squeaky-clean and naked—just the way I like you.”

“Isn’t it time for your pregame nap?”

“You know what I like to do before my nap….”

After we had sex—lovely regular sex—I ended up taking a nap too. When Jimmy got up to get ready, I went to the kitchen for more food. I hadn’t really eaten a proper lunch. I saw the parcel from April and finally opened it.

Inside was my scarf, a novel that April had mentioned, and at the bottom a CD and a letter. I felt a funny sensation when I recognized the angular black handwriting on the envelope.

“What’s in your package?” Jimmy asked as he came in the kitchen.

“Oh, nothing. I left a scarf at April’s when I was in Vancouver, and she mailed it back to me—with a book.” I stuffed everything back in and closed the box. I felt stupidly guilty, but I didn’t want to read a letter from Phil in front of Jimmy. He probably wouldn’t mind, but who knew what was inside.

I straightened Jimmy’s tie and kissed him goodbye.

“You look great. Have a good game. I’ll see you after.”

He nodded and left. I finished my bowl of cereal and then got the box out. The CD turned out to be a new mix tape. Back in the day, Phil was always giving me music he wanted me to hear. He pretty much shaped my musical tastes. Well, if he was sending a gift, the letter wasn’t going to be hate mail.

Dear Kelly,

After the way I treated you in the summer, I’m probably the last person you want to hear from. However, I really regret that day and how things ended between us. I know that you’ve got a new life going on, and I hope everything’s going well.

I just wanted to tell you that I still care very much about you and your happiness. If you ever need anything—support, money, or someone to listen to your problems—I am here for you.

Take care,

Phil

I ran my forefinger over the paper, tracing the lines as nostalgia drifted over me. I was happy here, but I missed parts of my old life in Vancouver. I wished for the unconditional support of my parents, friendships independent of my famous boyfriend, and my own space to clutter up with photos and junk. I couldn’t shake the feeling that everything in my life really belonged to Jimmy. I loaded the CD onto my laptop and my iPod, then lay down on the couch to listen.

To my surprise, it wasn’t his usual music recommendations. Instead it was Phil himself covering a few indie songs. His voice was low and familiar, and he had backed the tracks with guitar and keyboards. I already knew all the songs, except the last one. As I replayed it, I wondered who wrote it. The chorus spoke to me.

When the world brings her down

And life collects its toll.

I know she’ll get back up

Always reaching for her goal
.

I wondered if I should call Phil and thank him for the gift. While it seemed like the polite thing to do, Jimmy wouldn’t like it if he knew. And I was afraid of what other emotions a simple phone call might lead to.

I lay there, feeling a strange longing for Vancouver. But that was ridiculous. This gorgeous condo and our exciting lifestyle were a hundred times better than living in a small apartment and working a dead-end job. I didn’t do regret, and it was time to get ready to go to Jimmy’s game.

T
he guys were
out of town for a few days, so Cherie decided we needed a girl’s night. She rounded up Maddy, Anya, and me, and reserved a table at a trendy restaurant in Wicker Park.

“It’s a relief to go to a restaurant that doesn’t serve only grilled half-dinosaurs,” Cherie declared. “J.J. acts like a dinner salad is an affront to his masculinity.”

Anya laughed and flipped her long blonde hair back. She was a tall and gorgeous Swede, and her boyfriend was the back-up goalie. “Chicago food is great, but sometimes I long for an authentic
smörgåsbord
. When my brother visited last month, he brought me some delicious pickled herring.”

Maddy and Cherie’s faces showed their opinion of pickled herring. We ordered a bunch of different dishes to share, and Cherie took charge of the wine list. Then we settled in for a nice chat.

“I hate the end of the regular season,” declared Maddy. “Ian gets so rundown. He’s lost weight, and he’s all banged up.” It was true that defencemen often took a lot of hard hits, and Mac was on the slight side to begin with. Jimmy was also playing through a number of minor aches and pains.

“That circus trip sure took a lot out of the boys,” Cherie said. When the circus came to the United Center each year, the team had to go on the road for three long weeks.

I nodded in agreement. “Jimmy was so tired when he got back that night, that he went straight to sleep.”

Cherie laughed at me. “Oh my Lord, Kelly, you two are just adorable. You can’t keep your hands off each other.” Anya and Maddy started giggling too.

I blushed. “I didn’t mean to reveal that.”

Then Cherie wanted to dish. “I found out why Lily wasn’t at the game last week. She found out that Ryan’s been cheating on her.”

“Like a regular thing? Or a one night stand?” Maddy asked.

“A regular thing. Some girl right here in Chicago, he met her at a bar or something.”

Anya shook her head. “That’s terrible. How long have they been dating?”

“I think it’s going on two years.”

“So, did she go back to Toronto?” I asked.

The three of them looked at me blankly. “Why would she do that?”

“Because he cheated on her.”

“No, they’re still together. They had a big fight and then made up.”

I was surprised to hear this. “I don’t understand. If your boyfriend cheats on you, why would you put up with it? Wouldn’t you leave?” Why would such gorgeous, confident women put up with that crap?

Momentarily, Cherie’s face lost its animation and she looked sad and older. “They hold all the cards, honey.”

I realized they did. If you had kids, that made sense. But even if it were only the two of you, you were trapped in a strange city—with no close friends or family around, and no resources. My credit card, my tuition, my living expenses were all being paid by Jimmy. I didn’t even have enough money in my bank account to leave.

“It’s not that,” protested Anya. “Whatever happens is like a job hazard. You know they really love you—only you.”

“How did Lily find out anyway?” Maddy asked.

Cherie shrugged. “Only one of million clues. He comes home from a road trip, and he doesn’t want to have sex. Or he comes back, and he’s all over you like there’s no tomorrow—to prove that he’s got the energy.”

“The ever-popular naked photos forwarded to you. I don’t believe anything on the web though,” Anya added.

“Wow,” I said. “You make it sound like everyone is cheating.

Cherie was matter of fact. “Truth is, a number of the boys cheat. Who can blame them really? You got women throwing themselves at you, at home and on the road. A man would have to be made of iron to resist.”

I shook my head. “Jimmy’s not like that.”

Anya patted my hand. “I’m sure he’s not. But it’s important to be aware and protect yourself, from uh, consequences. There are certain clues that something’s wrong.”

This discussion was reminding me of something odd that happened. When Jimmy got back from his long road trip, he hadn’t wanted to have sex for a week. But that didn’t mean he had cheated on me. Everyone gets tired. Although one night I had tried so hard to get things going; I wore his favourite sexy nightie and cuddled up next to him. And he had only kissed me good night and turned his back, leaving me lying there all lonely and confused.

On the way home with Maddy, I raised the subject again.

“I don’t believe that all the guys cheat,” I said.

“No, I’m sure there are exceptions. But most women put up with it, because if you’re just a girlfriend, you don’t really get anything.”

“It’s not about money.” I always felt that Maddy and I were alike, and now she was taking the opposite tack on something so fundamental. “You can’t tell me that Mac would do that, I don’t believe it. He’s so nice and kinda shy.”

“Maybe not as shy as you think. I don’t think he has fooled around since I moved here. But there was a time when I was at school—I thought that something might have been going on. To be honest, I didn’t ask too many questions because I really didn’t want to know.” She shrugged, a line of sadness across her brow.

Poor Maddy. I reached across and squeezed her thigh.

I was amazed that everyone could accept cheating as the way things were. But of course, any women who didn’t accept it would be gone.

Because Jimmy was away, I had too much time to dwell on this subject. I carefully reassembled the events in my head. Jimmy came home from the long road trip, and instead of the hot reunion sex we usually had, he had told me he tweaked an old back injury and didn’t feel up to it. He had stayed aloof all that week, but on the weekend, he had been like a sex maniac, and we had sex in multiple places and in multiple ways. At the time I thought it was odd, but now I couldn’t stop worrying.

I was sure there was a reasonable explanation, but since he had already claimed it was only his back acting up, I couldn’t ask again without sounding paranoid. Then, I remembered from UMaine how to get the truth out of Jimmy. All it took was a lot of alcohol. But the biggest problem would be how to avoid getting totally blasted at the same time.

I finally got my chance after we spent the evening at Ty’s with a few other people. There was a three-day gap between games; otherwise, Jimmy wouldn’t have been drinking so much. The guys were playing some video game, and the loser had to drink shots. Jimmy was pretty good, but eventually he lost and once he started drinking he lost more.

“Kelly, you’re driving home right?” he called out to me.

“Sure.”

All I had had to drink that night was juice. This could be the night I got Jimmy really drunk. Maddy was chatting away about her last visit home, when I didn’t respond at all, she looked at me closely.

“Are you okay, Kelly?”

“Sorry, what? Yes, I’m fine.” I wasn’t fine. I was nervous and perversely excited. I was finally going to find out what really happened on the road trip. Maybe it was only his back acting up.

When I drove home, Jimmy was already pretty gone. I could tell by the fact that he wasn’t backseat driving. Ordinarily, he didn’t trust my driving at all, but now he was relaxing in the passenger side and bragging on how he had won the competition that night.

Once we got home, I didn’t have a real plan, so I challenged him to a drinking contest.

“What are you talking about, Kelly? You couldn’t outdrink a baby.”

He pulled off his coat and headed towards the bathroom.

“Wait! The winner gets—whatever they want in bed.”

He turned around and smiled lopsidedly at me. “Sounds like a bet I can’t lose. Whatever I want? Like anything?”

“Oh yeah, anything.” I tried to look seductive, but I was too nervous.

I went to the liquor cabinet and pulled out some tequila. I poured shots into six glasses and lined them up on the coffee table. I also uncapped a beer for him, because that’s what he was drinking at Ty’s.

“Okay, here are the rules. You have to say something you’ve done. If the other person hasn’t done it, they have to drink.” That seemed simple enough. “I’ll go first.”

Jimmy sat down on the couch beside. He was laughing because he knew what a lightweight I was.

“I’ve kissed a guy.” I said. “Have you?”

“That’s gross. But actually, on the cheek, sure. It’s a French-Canadian thing.” Jimmy drank some beer and motioned towards the shot glass nearest me.

“No, a real kiss. Like on the lips. And not someone you’re related to.” He wasn’t getting away that easy.

He laughed and drank his shot. He put his arm around me and pulled me towards him for a sloppy kiss. He patted me on the ass with his other hand. If he won, I knew where I’d be taking it later. “I’ve had sex with a woman, have you?”

“No.” I was hoping he might say kiss, because I actually had. I drank my shot, and it burned my throat on the way down.

“I’ve won a national collegiate hockey championship.” I said, “Have you?”

He frowned. It was one of the few championships he hadn't won, even though he had been to the Frozen Four. I knew it bugged him because he gave me a disgusted look before he drank his shot. He hiccupped and then kissed me again, this time running his hand over my breasts. I was getting turned on despite the circumstances.

Jimmy put a shot in front of me. “I’ve scored five goals in a game.” He smirked. He knew scoring was not my strength. One time in Pee Wee, I scored two goals, and in the third period Phil had just about killed himself trying to set me up for the hat trick. But I couldn’t seal the deal. I tipped back the shot.

Man, I was starting to feel it already. Luckily, Jimmy was too. He started talking in that blabbing way I remembered from UMaine. “Some nights everything goes in, it’s so sweet. But you have to hold back, for sportsmanship, y’know. Not in the NHL of course, it’s waaaay harder, but in minor hockey you can get teams that aren’t at your level.”

I felt dizzy. Jimmy kept talking. “When I was a kid, I used to think about maybe setting a record for the most goals ever in a game, but you don’t wanna kick a team when they’re down, and my parents would chew me out afterwards if they thought I was showboating.” He kept talking, but I wasn’t really listening because I could hardly concentrate.

I felt nauseous already, but I had to ask.

“Jimmy?”

He looked over at me, all blurry and goofy. “Kelly, have I told you how much I love you? ’Cause I love you a lot.”

Wow, that was sweet—and the truth. I suddenly felt guilty. Maybe I should leave this thing alone. Maddy did that, and she was happy.

Screw it. That was not me. I was frigging Nancy Drew, always trying to solve mysteries.

“Jimmy, what happened on the road trip? The long one?”

“Why are you asking me that?”

“I don’t know. It was a bunch of things.” I couldn’t explain my convoluted thought process now.

“Was it Wheels? He said he would keep his mouth shut.” Jimmy looked away from me and had another drink of beer. “I don’t wanna tell you.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’ll be mad. I don’t want you to get mad.”

“Why would I be mad?”

“’Cause it’s bad.”

“Tell me, Jimmy. Please.”

“Do you promise not to get mad?”

“Sure.” My fingers were crossed. Unlike Jimmy, I could lie when I was drunk.

He took a deep breath. “It was in Vancouver. We had a few days off between games. Wheels and I could go out and drink there, so we did. We went out to a few clubs. I was drinking, drinking a lot. I got pretty trashed, and I went back to our room to go to sleep.”

He peered at me anxiously. “Are you sure you not gonna get mad?”

“Sure, I’m sure.” I had a weird sense of anticipation as he spoke, like I was going to find out a big secret. My head hurt though and I also felt scared. And in Vancouver? That seemed so linked to me.

“I was half-asleep. But Wheels brought a girl back to our room. I guess she was pretty. Blonde.” He shrugged. “Y’know Kelly, I can hardly remember what happened. I was really out of it.”

I waited, hardly breathing. My head was spinning.

“We had a three-way. That’s what happened. No big deal.”

That was one way to look at it. The other would be that the bottom had fallen out of my relationship with Jimmy.

I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I was already queasy and now my imagination was pushing me over the top. Jimmy, Wheels and some girl going at it: oral, anal, double-teaming, guy-on-guy. I tried to shut off my mind, and I threw up into the toilet. Threw up until there wasn’t anything let to throw up. Then I had dry heaves.

I splashed water on my face and brushed my teeth. When I went back out to the living room, Jimmy was asleep on the couch. I covered him up with the throw, then realized what I had done. An automatic gesture of love—even when I wasn’t feeling it.

Sure I loved Jimmy—no, I
had
loved Jimmy. There were a million things I loved about him. I loved his hockey playing. I loved his dumb jokes and his goofy expressions. I loved his intensity and his insane competitiveness. I loved the way he tried to eat the dinners I made, I loved the quiet way he looked at me across a room. And I had never questioned that he loved me back, that he was a decent guy who would never betray me.

He was the one who was always pushing the agenda. He loved me first, he wanted to date seriously, and he wanted me to move in with him. I was the one who dragged my heels, but once I came here, I committed myself 100%. I had tried so hard to be the perfect girlfriend, and that’s why this felt like a double betrayal. Because I had acquiesced to all his demands: that I cook, that I dress up, that I act more mature. I had worked so hard to soothe him whenever he was anxious and worried. And I had done every kinky thing he wanted to do in bed, even when I wasn’t enjoying it. How could sex—something that was such a joy for us—become a trial? It was because everything was driven by Jimmy’s needs and never mine.

Sure, he had betrayed me, but I had betrayed myself by selling out so completely. Now I felt completely lost and alone. I was drained of energy, and I couldn’t even figure out what to do next.

Maybe I should go to bed. First, I got into the shower. Numbly, I let the water run down over me for ages. My head ached and my chest hurt from vomiting. Then I went to bed and fell asleep right away. I woke only once. I woke from a dream, a dream where Jimmy and I were back on the beach at Lake Carswell. He was younger and thinner, and he looked at me like I was a treasure—like I was the first woman he had ever seen. I looked into his eyes, and all I saw was innocence and desire. I leaned in and kissed him, our lips gentle and soft as feathery down. When I pulled away, that sweet boy dissolved into the lake and disappeared. I woke and my cheeks were wet with tears. I wiped them off and turned over and went back to sleep.