Hockey Is My Boyfriend: Part Three (27 page)

P
hil

“
N
ice of you to show
, P.D.,” Hoff said sarcastically as I tore into the dressing room. He was in the middle of his game speech, and apparently I had interrupted the big motivational climax. Hoff was treating the championship game of our beer league like the Stanley fucking Cup. I had warned him I might be late, since things were nuts at work.

I pushed into my customary spot beside Kelly. She smiled at me but didn’t say a word. She appeared to be listening attentively to Hoff, but I knew she was miles away. She liked to get in her own zone before a big game.

Hoff continued, “I don’t have to tell you guys that the Ice Hogs have had our number all season. But the games have been close, and tonight it’s winner take all. We can beat these assholes.” Then he pulled out a fucking whiteboard and starting diagraming zone entries. I took off my shirt and pants and hung them up, and then noticed Kelly checking me out. She blushed when our eyes met and turned back towards Hoff.

Despite arriving late, I was all ready except for my skates by the time everyone started leaving for warm-ups. Hoff stayed and came over to talk to me.

“So, P.D., I need you to step it up this game.”

I shrugged. “I always play my best in big games.”

“Really? Because if that semi-final was your best game, then we are royally fucked.”

“What’s up your ass?” I finished tying my skates and stood up.

“Jesus, Davidson. You’ve been sucking lately. I traded our biggest scorer so you could be on this team and kiss up to Kelly, and you’re letting me down. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Hoff, you’re taking this way too seriously. It’s only beer league.”

“It’s the fucking final. Do you not care about winning?”

I did care about winning—but not winning hockey. I’d been increasingly unhappy about the way things were going with Kelly and that had been seeping into the other parts of my life. I was so busy at work that I hadn’t had the time to do quality stuff with her—like the outdoors stuff she loved. And when I did have free time, the asshole seemed to be taking her on all these exotic weekend trips. I had complained to Kelly that I wasn’t getting equal time, and she made some stupid excuse about not being free at the last minute.

This was the last game of the season, so we wouldn’t even have hockey together anymore. Hockey was when Kelly was happiest. We could talk after tonight’s game and work out a time to get away together. I’d wrangled the next weekend off, and we could maybe drive up to Tofino, do some camping, hiking, and try some surfing. That would be the perfect holiday for us.

“Don’t worry, I’m on it,” I told him. We left the room and locked it up.

As we got onto the ice, I noticed Kelly in the corner talking to someone through the door. I skated closer and took a good look.

No fucking way. She had invited the asshole to our game! As I skated around, I could hardly see through the rush of white-hot anger. It wasn’t enough that she saw him constantly—now he had to intrude on our limited time together. A fast-paced warm-up cleared my mind a little. I stopped behind the net to clear some pucks and watched them talking.

Kelly was smiling and laughing. She looked up at him and there was something in her expression—a sweetness. I knew that expression so well, but I’d never seen it directed at anyone else before. It felt like a body blow.

Finally, she remembered that she had a game and started warming up. I skated beside her, and she gave me a guilty look.

“How could you invite Frechette to the game? Hockey is our time together!”

She glared at me. Her mouth opened, but instead of a real explanation, she said only, “Ground rules, Phil. I’m not talking about him. Can we not do this right now? We’re supposed to be getting ready for the final.”

The buzzer sounded and she skated away, but I caught up at the bench. As we sat down, I looked up in the empty stands. The asshole was sitting with some big guy.

“Who’s the other guy? Door number three in the dating game?” I felt like I hardly knew Kelly anymore.

“It’s Tyler Ballanchuk.”

“Two NHL players are watching our championship game? That’s fucking ridiculous. Is there nothing this guy won’t do to kiss up to you?”

Kelly’s eyes narrowed, and her face flushed with anger. For a moment I thought she was going to whack me. Then she let out a huge breath and turned away from me. She answered without looking. “At least they’ll get to see how good I am. I guess you have more to be worried about though.”

“What are you talking about?”

She turned back and her voice was mocking. “You’ve been in a major slump lately. What, like, zero goals in the last four games? And I told Jimmy you were the top player on my team for years. Once he sees you, he’ll think our house team really sucked.”

I was angry before, but it was nothing to how I felt now. All I could do was throw myself into the game. Playing a hard physical game was the only way to work out all my rage. I scored a goal but felt no pleasure at all. Kelly and I barely spoke on the bench. On the ice, I set the pace, and she was constantly trailing.

“What’s wrong, Tanaka? Can’t keep up with the boys?”

She laughed at me and then, next shift out, took one of my rebounds and put it top shelf. Instead of a hug or fist-bump, I skated right by her and said nothing. To my satisfaction, I saw a hurt expression on her face.

“This is more like it,” Hoff told me on the bench. “Keep up this tempo, and they’re fucked.”

Despite our best efforts, the game stayed close. Between the second and third periods, Kelly went to talk to the asshole. Dave was yakking away, but I couldn’t keep my eyes off the two of them. She took off her helmet and smiled up at him. They weren’t going to kiss, were they?

Lately, I’d been forced to confront the possibility that she might actually choose him. If you’d asked me at the beginning of the summer, I would not have believed she could make a decision so stupid, but things seemed to be going that way. Her back was to me, but I saw him give her a goofy grin and touch her on the shoulder. What a fucktard.

Kelly skated back to the bench with a smirk.

I could not help myself and demanded, “What did that asshole say?”

Her smile faded. “He said to go high blocker or five-hole.” She glared at me. “If you can.”

The guy played NHL hockey and that was all he could suggest? Those were the weaknesses of every goalie in the universe. They must have been talking about something else.

But if she wanted five-hole, I’d give her five-hole. I scored and made a face at her. Kelly only laughed. We were pulling away with the game, and both Kelly and Hoff were getting excited about that. We won and had a quick celebration on the ice. I could see that the asshole was still in the stands, grinning like he’d directed the win himself. I felt no joy myself. What did one game matter if everything else was going down the tubes?

Everyone was pretty pumped in the dressing room. Hoff pulled beers out from his hockey bag. They were lukewarm but still good.

“The taste of victory,” Army, our goalie called out. We were all sitting around in various states of undress—except Kelly. She wasn’t drinking and was steadily getting dressed.

“What’s going on?” I asked her in a low voice.

She wouldn’t meet my eyes. “I have to go now.”

“We won the championship, and you’re not even partying with us? What kind of teammate does that?” I knew exactly where she was going, and she wasn’t getting out of here without at least feeling guilty.

“I know. I wish I could stay. I’m sorry.” Then she looked up at me, her eyes flashing. “You might want to ask yourself if we would have won without him.”

Was she talking about the lame advice he’d given us? That was ridiculous. I drank some more beer and watched as she shouldered her bag and walked towards the door.

“Kelly! Where you going?” Smitty called out.

“Sorry, guys. Gotta go.” She turned and smiled at the room. “Great game, everyone.”

“Okay, Kelly. Thanks for the strategic help,” Hoff called out.

“See you next season,” Mike said. “You’re playing with us in the fall, right?”

She nodded, but I could see the uncertainty in her eyes. When the door closed, the noise resumed.

Faroush, one of our d-men was nearby. “Did you guys see the guy she was talking to?”

Everyone shook their heads. I guess nobody else had noticed anything.

He continued. “It was weird. I thought he looked exactly like James Frechette—you know, the Chicago Blackhawks rookie centreman?”

“Yeah, didn’t he win the Calder?” Pete asked.

“No, he lost,” I said.

That was the weekend when things first started going south. I knew it wasn’t completely Kelly’s fault, because I’d been unable to control my anger at her messing up. While she said they didn’t have sex, I had no trouble imagining a thousand other things that could have happened and that had driven me crazy.

“Anyways, I said something to Kelly and she laughed it off. But then I saw the guy he was sitting with, and you know what?”

“No, what? Tell us,” Miller said with a laugh. Faroush was kind of a conspiracy theorist, so we sometimes encouraged him on his tangents.

“The other guy looked like Tyler Ballanchuk! So it must have been Frechette. I mean, what are the odds of two random guys looking exactly like two Blackhawks players?”

Miller snorted. “Probably the same as the odds that two NHL players would be watching our game. D’ya think they were scouting our team or something? Wow, I hope they saw my big assist.”

We all laughed at Faroush and changed the subject.

Hoff came over and sat beside me. “Stud! You had a huge game tonight!”

“Thanks, Hoff.”

“That’s the man I traded for.” He lowered his voice, “So, did Kelly leave early to set up the dungeon or get into a schoolgirl outfit?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I know she promised something big to get you playing like that. But she wouldn’t say what it was.” He laughed his dirty old man laugh.

“Don’t be an idiot,” I told him. There was no doubt I would have been a lot happier this summer if I’d actually been having sex with Kelly. But not having sex was nothing compared to wondering what she was doing with the asshole. This whole summer had been torture.

I started thinking about the last thing she had said to me.
“You might want to ask yourself if we would have won without him.”

What did that mean? I turned the phrase over in my mind. Then it hit me. I hadn’t been playing well lately, and Kelly had deliberately manipulated me into playing my best game in front of Frechette. Everything she’d said during the game had goaded me on to even greater heights. It was a plan worthy of Machiavelli.

It was also devious and cruel. Not qualities I’d ever associated with Kelly, but she’d probably do anything to win a hockey championship. I began to wonder if I really knew Kelly, and how much she had changed in our time apart.

I
was
all packed for my weekend with Jimmy. We were flying up to Kelowna with Tyler and his girlfriend. Once we got there we were staying at the big lakeside cabin of another teammate, Ian MacEwan. Much to Jimmy’s dismay, I hadn’t gone to any team events yet, and he wanted me to meet the people I’d hang out with if I moved there. He assured me that I’d love Maddy, Mac’s girlfriend.

I felt guilty. Today was the day I was supposed to make up my mind about the dating game. But Jimmy had surprised me by flying into town last night to see my game and then suggested this trip so I had agreed. Meeting some possible new friends could only help my decision, right? And I owed Jimmy for providing the extra motivation for last night’s win.

For therapy, I went for an early run. I was heading for the shower when there was a knock on the door.

Much to my surprise, Phil was there. Although he was a pretty casual guy, he never dropped by anymore. I wasn’t sure if this was because he was too busy or he didn’t want to run into Jimmy. Besides, I knew Phil was mad at me—for the game and for not coming out afterwards.

“Come in,” I said. “I’m kind of stinky, though. I just got back from my run.”

A half-smile appeared on his face. “Hey, you don’t have to tell me. I sit next to you at hockey.”

“That’s my gear,” I explained lamely. Of course, the smell on my gear came from me. “You want something to drink?”

“It’s okay. I’m on my way to work,” he said. He was dressed in business casual.

“Look, Kelly, I’ve been thinking.” Phil paused. My body tensed; his voice was so flat and serious. His hazel eyes were intense and searching. What was he thinking?

He continued, “I don’t really want to do this thing with you anymore. There’s a bunch of reasons. It’s important for my career that I focus on work right now, and we’re insanely busy.”

I blinked and waited for him to keep explaining. I wasn’t even sure what he was talking about; I only knew from his tone it was bad news.

“But mainly, it’s you, Kelly. You’re not the person you used to be, and I really don’t think I want to be with this person.”

“What? What’re you talking about?”

“This whole dating game shit. It’s cruel, and right from the beginning it was obvious that someone was going to get hurt. It’s like you think you’re better than normal people, and guys should let you walk all over them. The Kelly I knew was all about kindness. She spent half an hour looking for a raccoon she thought she’d injured with the car. Now you’d probably run right over it and not look back.”

I shook my head. Was this what he really thought of me? “That’s not true at all,” I protested.

“Whatever. You know, I thought this whole thing would last a couple of weeks. I figured you’d come to your senses, and we could pick up where we left off. I never thought you’d get your head turned by a guy who has money, but who had treated you like something disposable. Maybe it’s because he’s in the NHL. Hockey’s always turned your crank. Anyway, the longer it’s gone on, the more painful it’s been. So, I’m manning up. I don’t want to play anymore.”

“I’m so sorry. I think it’s taken me so long because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.”

He stood up and gave me another half-smile. There was an odd expression on his face. “But you have, Kelly. See you.”

He walked quietly out of the room, and I didn’t even hear the front door close. I walked numbly into the shower and turned it on, letting the water run all over me. How could I have been so stupid? I had been so miserable and angst-ridden that I hadn’t even noticed what I was doing to Phil, and to Jimmy as well. I had been mean and self-centered, and I deserved everything that Phil had dumped on me. I showered until the hot water ran out, then I got dressed in a daze.

When Jimmy came to pick me up, I was sitting on the couch—doing absolutely nothing.

He took one look at my face and grabbed me by the shoulders. “Kelly? What’s wrong?”

“Do you hate me? For taking so long to make up my mind?”

“Hate you? Of course not.” He pursed his lips. “I wish you would decide though.”

I leaned my head against his solid chest. “Phil came over this morning and told me what a horrible person I was to do this whole thing. He said I was cruel and he hated like people like that. He said he was through with all this shit.”

“Aww, Kelly, he’s an idiot. I always thought he was, but when I saw him play last night I was sure of it. He plays selfish.”

I shook my head. “He doesn’t always play that way. He was in a bad mood.”

“Hockey’s not like that. You need to put aside your personal issues when you get to the rink and play your best. He only passed to you once—I would have set you up every chance I got. It was a championship.”

“If it was a real championship, you would be taking all the shots. You’re a way better shooter than me.”

“Well, this is all hypothetical anyway. But, wait—” Jimmy held me at arms length and looked at me through narrowed eyes. “So, he dropped out?”

I nodded.

A huge smile broke across his face. “Then I win!”

Well, I guess he did. Again, I’d been too busy in my personal pity party to think about the bigger picture. After all this time, the decision wasn’t even made by me. Jimmy kissed me, really kissed me this time. He cradled my cheeks and kissed all over my face. I tried to relax into his touch.

“Wait. Does this bother you? The way things turned out?” I asked Jimmy. Was my being with him diminished by the way it happened?

He laughed. “Not one bit. We belong together, and I knew you’d get it eventually. The guy dropped out because he could see it coming. I’ve seen that happen a million times.”

I pondered that idea. It was certainly true that Phil had never lost at anything—sports, school, or relationships.

Jimmy pulled me into his lap and enveloped me in his strong arms. “I’ve known you were going to choose me since Toronto.”

“Really? That was a month ago.” I hadn’t known. I felt so guilty about what had happened, that I kept trying to find ways to make things up to Phil. Maybe I had been ignoring all the signals that I was drawn magnetically to Jimmy.

I was still worried though. First, if I hadn’t fooled around with Jimmy, would that have affected my decision? And secondly, deciding by default seemed like I wasn’t really in charge of the process—which was what I wanted in the first place.

Jimmy was already in planning mode. “This is fantastic, Kelly. Now we can do stuff together before the season starts. We can relax back home, and maybe have a few days away. When are you going to move to Chicago?”

I hadn’t thought about any of this logistical stuff. “I’ll have to give notice at work. Cheryl will need at least two weeks to replace me. And I promised to clear out my stuff from my parent’s place. April will have to find a new roommate. Oh, I guess I’ll have to ship stuff too.” I started to feel a little stressed and panicked about my to do list. This was going to be a huge change.

He noticed my panic attack and gave me a big squeeze. “Kelly, everything’s going to be fine. I can help you take care of stuff like shipping. If your rent is an issue, I can cover that too.” He pulled something out of his pocket. “I know you’ve been stressing over what you’re going to do once you’re in Chicago, and I found this broadcasting school that’s perfect. I asked one of the team media people for a recommendation.”

He handed me an envelope. I opened it, and there was a colourful brochure inside. The photos were completely lame, but the program seemed to be very hands-on and technical, which was exactly what I needed. They promised lots of industry contact too. “Oh, thanks a lot. This looks great.”

“The best part is that the class schedule is pretty light. You only go three days a week, and not even full days. So we’ll have lots of time together, and you won’t have to miss any games.”

I laughed and started to calm down a little. “That’s the main thing, right? Not missing any games.”

He stroked my hair. “I want you to be at all the games. I play better when you’re there.”

“But I’ve only been to a few of your games.” He wasn’t superstitious, but he certainly had some fixed ideas.

I finished reading through the brochure and looked at the attached letter. “Holy shit. The tuition is over $8000. There’s no way.”

“Kelly, I’ll loan you the money. You can pay me back when you get a job.”

“
If
I get a job. The best I could do in Canada was receptionist, and I didn’t even need a green card or whatever they’re called. I still haven’t paid my first set of student loans. Crap.”

“Let’s get one thing straight here. I understand you’re giving up your job to move in with me. When you move in, money is gonna be a fact of life. I make a lot of money, and I don’t want to have to argue with you every day. So, could you please accept the fact that money is something that I can contribute to the relationship?”

I laughed and ran my hand up his chest. “It’s not all that you can contribute.”

His eyes widened and his mouth opened slightly. “Kelly, you’ve been to Kelowna before, right?”

I nodded.

“Let’s skip this whole weekend deal.”

“What? You wanted me to meet all your friends, especially Maddy.”

He ran his hands up my waist until his thumbs rubbed against the sides of my breasts. “Things have changed. Now all I want is to be alone with my girl.”

“Oh. Okay.”

He kissed me, thrusting his tongue into my mouth. He cupped my ass and squeezed hard. “Oh God,” I gasped.

“Is April home?” he asked.

“Um, yeah.” Incredibly, she had slept through huge dramatic scenes with not one but two of the men in my life. And that was the kind of thing she lived for.

“Give me your suitcase. We’re going back to my place—for the rest of the weekend.”

I nodded, too confused with desire to say anything else.

He grabbed my hand, and we ran out the door.