His Heart for the Trusting (16 page)

“He convinced
me to come back and I felt I had no choice.  It was either that or live on the
streets.”

“I had no
idea.”

“No one did.  I
felt too ashamed to tell anyone about it.”

“I'm so sorry
for what you had to go through.”

“Maybe Lillian
felt that kind of desperation.  People get stuck in situations sometimes and
don't know how to get out of them.  If you can't believe that she could make a
mistake and change, then you'll never believe that I have.”

“I know a thing
or two about mistakes, too, Sara.”

She took a step
forward then, swiping her cheeks with both hands.  “All the more reason you
should understand.  If I can change and you can, why can't Lillian?  Maybe
having Jonathan has changed her.”

He shook his
head.  “No matter what you say, you're not like Lillian.  You don't scheme and
lie.”

She dropped her
hands to her sides in defeat.  “Then you haven't been paying attention. 
Because when you look at Lillian's face and I see all that hate you have for
what she's doing, you might as well be looking at me.  The things I did to get
away from Dave weren't any better than what Lillian is doing.  That kind of
desperation forces you to do things you'd never do otherwise.  I knew the only
way to get away from Dave was to play his game.  So I did.  And none of the
things I did made me feel proud.  It only fueled the idea in peoples' minds
that I was a spiteful soon-to-be-ex-wife.”  

“Is that true?”

She staggered
before his eyes, clearly thrown by his questions, but quickly recovered.  “They
didn't know what went on behind closed doors.  It was the only way to get
away.  Dave had a way of tearing down my spirit.  Cornering me relentlessly.  I
blame myself as much as I blame him for it.  He wanted to destroy me so that I
had no confidence that I could make it without him.  And for a long time, I
actually believed him.  At the time, I didn't think I had anyone to turn to.”

Mitch was
infinitely glad Sara’s ex-husband was far away in another state where Mitch
couldn't unleash his anger on him and inflict bodily harm.

“Would you do
it again?”

“Things are
different now.  I'm different.  But given the same circumstances, yes, if I had
to,” she said quietly.

“Good,” he
said, taking another step closer to her, hoping to God she would run away. 

He wanted her
in his arms so he could comfort her.  But he'd let her make that move when she
was ready.  Right now, she looked so fragile, he was afraid she'd break if he
so much as touched her. 

“That still
doesn't make you like Lillian.  She had choices you didn't.  What you did makes
you a survivor.  You're not going to be a victim.  I admire you for that,
Sara.  I really do.  Because surviving just happens to be something I know a
lot about myself.  You can't keep hating yourself for doing what you had to do
to get away from an abusive man.”

“I can't help
but think that Lillian regrets giving up Jonathan.  I saw the way she looked at
him last night.”

A muscle in his
jaw jumped.  “He's my son, too.  She never even bothered to tell me about him. 
She was going to give him away without me even knowing he existed.  And when I
finally found out about him, I didn't abandon him.” 

He remembered
that desperate feeling the moment Corrine had told him Lillian left Jonathan
for him to raise.  How desperate he felt and the initial urge to run right back
to Baltimore to confront Lillian.

Sara stared at
him for a long moment, and he sighed.  Part of him wanted to know what thoughts
she kept behind the depths of her dark eyes.  There was suddenly such sadness
there, and he wanted to wipe it away.  He wanted to drag Sara into his arms and
wanted her to know that all the ugliness of her life in LA was too far away to
touch them now.  He needed her comfort, her gentle voice to soothe him, and her
tender hand to keep him steady.

But he kept his
distance.  Because he knew that those secrets she held tight to her were not
words he wanted to hear.

“If you can't
stand by me on this, Sara, then maybe it would be best if you didn’t come to
Baltimore with us.” 

He forced the
words passed the lump in his throat, wanting to snatch them back or have her
say that yes, she would stand by him.  When had he come to need her so?  He
hadn't needed anyone in such a long time.  Now when it mattered the most, he
didn't want to need anyone.  He wanted to stand up for his son like his parents
never seemed to do for him.  He wouldn't fail Jonathan that way.

Her bottom lip
trembled.  “If that's the way you feel.”

She turned and
walked back to the foreman's house.  His home.  He had the strangest feeling
that when he returned with Jonathan, Sara would already be gone.

* * *

Sara hadn't
expected the deluge of tears.  At least not as many of them.  But they came just
the same.

It was worse
somehow than the first time.  When she'd known her marriage to Dave was really
over, she'd begun the slow and painful process of ending things.  First step,
letting go of the relationship.  Second step, looking at her part in all of the
mistakes.  Third step, letting go of the blame. 

She wasn't sure
she'd quite come to terms with that one.  But in time, hopefully she would. 
Each step was as important as the one before and none could be skipped over. 
She kept moving forward until she was one step closer to having the courage to
actually leave him.

In the end,
there were no tears.  No gut-wrenching sobs that tore at her soul.  But as she
drove down the long road leading to her mother's home on the reservation, there
were tears.  Both for Jonathan, for Mitch, and for herself.

She'd fallen in
love with Mitch, despite knowing in advance that it was absolutely the last
thing she should do.  The heart listens to no one, her mother had once said. 
Hers certainly hadn't listened.  She'd walked in with eyes wide open this time
and given her heart even knowing she'd be hurt in the end.

This had been
her goal.  Coming home.  All the way home.  And she'd failed at that too.

The car rolled
to a stop in front of the house she'd grown up in, and fled from nearly ten
years ago.  It hadn't been her home in a long time.  The porch light was on and
it would be shut off at nine-o'clock on the nose, regardless of whether
everyone was home or not.  Conserve electricity.  Even in the absence of
daylight, Sara saw crisp white sheets clipped onto a long clothesline out
back.  Something her mother did each and every day.  Some things never change
here at home, or on the reservation.  It was just one more reason she couldn't
wait to leave when she was younger.

Maybe she
hadn't been fair.  Things had changed for all of them.  Her mother's jet-black
hair was streaked with age.  It was beautiful on her now, Sara realized.  She
thought of all the times she'd religiously colored and cut her own hair to keep
it looking more sophisticated.  And yet, her mother had worn the same hairstyle
and grown into a more beautiful and graceful woman because of it.  Sara had
somehow missed that lesson in life while she was here the first time.  Maybe
all young people did.

She jammed the
car into park in the driveway and turned the ignition key off.

She was home. 
But it wasn't home anymore.  Not really.  Home wasn't in LA and not here on the
reservation.  Where was it, she wondered as she pushed through the screen door
and caught her mother's bewildered expression?

Alice glanced
down at the suitcase Sara had hastily packed before leaving, just as she
plopped it down on the floor.

“Do you mind if
I stay here?” she asked, knowing full well her mother would never turn her
away. 

Alice immediately
opened her arms.  It was there that Sara let her well of tears run dry.

* * *

The house was
quiet.  Too quiet, Mitch thought as he rocked back and forth in the rocker in
Sara's room.  He hadn't gotten around to moving Jonathan's crib into his own
room.  Now he sat in the dark, staring at the rise and fall of his son's chest
as he slept peacefully.  Selfish as it was, he wished Jonathan would wake up. 
He didn't want to be alone.

Fear had
settled itself good and deep just beneath the surface of his composure, making
him unsettled.  It had been a long time since he'd felt so restless.  He
thought time had erased most of the scared little boy he'd been.  But he was
there still buried inside the man Mitch had become.  With Lillian’s threat,
he’d showed his face again.  And it terrified Mitch.

He wanted
Sara.  He needed...

In the still
darkness, Mitch chuckled wryly.  Yes, he needed Sara.  As much as he didn't
want to, he did. 

Oh, he knew
he'd get along just fine with Jonathan on his own.  Sara had seen to that.  But
this was something different.  He needed the woman, needed her quiet strength,
her tender touch, and the gentle sound of her voice to ease this burden of fear
threatening to consume him.

Lord, Mitch
could hear Sara’s voice in his mind, talking softly to him, the smoothness of
it echoing in the room and halls of this house.

It wasn't just
his house anymore.  A family lived here.  Jonathan and Sara had moved not only
into his house, but also into his life.  He couldn't imagine being without either
one of them.

His goals were
still firmly in place.  He'd have his own ranch one day.  Except now things had
taken on a new dimension.  His life wasn't just about him or what he wanted. 
It wasn't his life or his home.  It was their home.  And Mitch was so terribly
afraid he'd be left behind without either one of them.

Lillian wanted
Jonathan back.  And Sara had left.  Good God, the house seemed so empty without
Sara.  He dragged his hand across his face and rocked hard out of the chair to
a stand, leaving the rocking chair to swing back and forth in a reckless dance
in the wake of his force.

He stared down
at his son and felt emotion well up deep in his chest, squeezing it until he
couldn't breathe. 

What a
revelation to come to.  He'd spent most of his adult life believing he didn't
need anyone but himself.  Like Sara, he was a survivor.  Now after a few short
months, Sara had crept into his heart and he couldn't get her out.  More
importantly, he didn't want her out.

Jonathan
stirred and murmured in his sleep and a bittersweet smile tugged at the corners
of Mitch's mouth.  He loved this little boy.  His boy.  Lord Almighty he
couldn't lose his son.  He couldn't bear it.  He could only imagine what might
happen to him at the hands of Lillian. 

Deep down, he
knew it wasn't love for Jonathan that was driving Lillian.  He'd been blinded
by her lies before.  But now he knew better.  He had to fight.  He didn't know
any other way.  And if he had to do it alone, then so be it.  He wanted Sara,
but he'd stand on his own if he had to.  It's what he'd done his whole life.

# # #

Chapter Ten

Mitch had taken
the truck to the airport himself.  Beau had offered to drive him, but since
Mandy was due any day to have their baby, Mitch didn't feel right taking Beau from
home.  Beau needed to be with Mandy regardless of whether there was a string of
people at the Double T to help her along if she went into labor.

He parked the
car and unbelted Jonathan's car seat from the front of the truck.  It was going
to rain.  Even though the sun was still bright in the sky, Mitch could smell it
in the air.  A slight rumble of thunder rolled off in the distance where a puff
of clouds were brewing.  The plane would be in the air before the bad weather
reached them.

A hat sat
cock-eyed on Jonathan's head, protecting him from the wind.  He was kicking up
a storm in his car seat, jabbering and drooling like he always did.  His son
was such a happy baby.

It tore at
Mitch's heart.

With Jonathan
strapped inside, Mitch placed the car seat on the floor at his feet as he
talked to the ticket agent.

“I made a
reservation last night.  I was told I could pick up the tickets here.”

The woman
smiled, still looking at her computer screen instead of meeting Mitch's eyes. 
“Name?”

“Broader.  Mitchell.”

“To Baltimore
via Dallas/Fort Worth.”

“Yes, that's
right.”

The agent
glanced over at him for the first time.  “And the baby?”

“I have him in
the car seat.”

Behind the
ticket counter stood a standing oscillating fan whipping back and forth across
the ticket agents back.  With each sweep, a fluff of her hair lifted and fell
back into place as she stamped and enveloped two tickets.  She handed them to
Mitch.

“You can leave
your luggage here and just take your carryon bag.  They're loading now.”

Since it was
easier to hold the car seat and diaper bag without his luggage, Mitch agreed. 
“Thank you.”

The walk across
the tarmac was hot and sticky with humidity from the coming rain blanketing
them.  Down the runway another plane was taking off and the shadow of it as it
flew overhead swept across the ground, catching Jonathan's eyes.

Mitch smiled at
the hugeness and wonder he found in his son's eyes as Jonathan searched for the
source of the shadow and noise.

Searches,
discovery.  Father and son did both in different ways.  Jonathan searched for
and discovered new objects to learn and grow.  Mitch searched for answers and
discovered he didn't have them.

Mitch stepped
inside the plane and was immediately bathed in the coolness of the cabin.  He
handed the flight attendant his tickets. 

Polished and
pressed in her crisp powder blue blouse and navy skirt, the woman smiled as she
handed him his ticket stubs.  “You'll need to store the diaper bag in the
overhead compartment before lift-off.  But if you need anything, you can take
it back down after the seat-belt light goes off.”